Stepping Out in Faith Ch. 05

"I know this is a lot to take in. I can explain," Andy's excitement dimmed a fraction as his nerves got the better of him. "If you'd like to listen."

Marcus sighed. How could he not listen now? Fuck.

"Actually, would the two of you mind looking after the booth for me for a little bit? This old man needs to find a restroom," Father Sullivan said with a smile and Marcus had a feeling that the older man's bladder was far from full.

But he didn't object as Father Sullivan wandered off into the crowd and Andy pulled him behind the table, guiding him into one of the two folding chairs.

"Um... what kind of booth is this?" Marcus finally got around to asking, glancing at the various pamphlets littering the table.

"Apparently Father Sullivan had been working with this inter-faith group on and off for a while. They want to bridge gaps between different faiths, and reach out to communities that typically shy away from religion," Andy explained as he organized the pamphlets.

"After I told him everything, he mentioned that the inter-faith group was setting up this booth. He hadn't planned on taking part in it this year, but he thought it might be a good idea, considering... well, you know," Andy said with a shrug.

"And don't worry. I doubt we're going to get people stopping by," Andy smiled wryly. "There haven't been any visitors all day."

Andy chuckled to himself, though he looked a little nervous. Marcus grudgingly admitted that it was kind of adorable.

"So... he's okay with you being gay?" Marcus asked, half afraid that Andy would deny that he's gay.

"Yeah, he is, surprisingly. I didn't think he would be, but..." Andy shrugged and smiled, taking the chair next to Marcus. As he gazed back at Marcus, Marcus could see a peace in Andy's doe eyes, a contentment that hadn't been there in the past. It was clear Andy had finally come to terms with himself and Marcus' heart soared at the realization.

Marcus glanced away first, not trusting how he was going to react.

"So you wanted to explain?" The words came out gruffer than Marcus had intended, but he wouldn't let himself feel bad for the sheepish look Andy shot him.

"Well, first of all. I want to apologize. I'm so, so sorry for the way I treated you that day when you showed up at the chapel. That was extremely rude of me, and offensive. I'm sorry," Andy looked right at Marcus as he said those words, the sincerity ringing true.

Marcus just nodded his acknowledgment, knowing that his voice wouldn't work properly if he tried to speak.

"I was a wreck that day. Couldn't go back into the chapel to face those people, knowing how I had treated you. I..." Andy's voice trailed off, his gaze dropping to his hands folded in his lap. "I thought about committing suicide."

"What?!" Marcus exclaimed a little too loudly, his heart suddenly panicked at the thought of losing Andy forever.

"Don't worry," Andy reassured him with a sad smile. "I'm obviously fine. But that day... I didn't think I'd be fine. I'd never thought about committing suicide before, even after all those years of denying who I was. Taking one's own life is forbidden according to the Catholic Church, you go straight to hell. So that had never been an option for me. But that day... hell sounded like a better place than where I had found myself."

Marcus ground his teeth together, caught up in anxiety over the pain Andy must have felt to consider such a drastic move.

"I was a mess when Father Sullivan found me. He's easy to talk to, and I apparently had reached my breaking point and didn't need much prompting. It took me a while, but it all eventually came out. I told him about our first night at the club, and the baseball game, then the youth night when I sang with Sophie," Andy reminisced.

"I told him about how gentle and kind you are, patient and caring when I had given you no reason to treat me so well. I told him about how confused and scared I was, how the only time I ever felt peace is when I'm with you. And when I'm not around you, it's like I'm walking along a cliff, terrified that one misstep will take me over the edge."

Marcus tried to swallow around the lump forming in his throat, but found that his mouth had gone dry. His hands were shaking as he clasped them tightly together.

"I told him how guilty I felt, how sinful I felt. And then I told him that while I felt terrible for indulging in what I had been taught were sinful acts, I actually felt worse about the way I treated you," Andy's voice was small, as if afraid to speak too loudly and burst the little bubble that had formed around them in the middle of the busy parade.

"And he agreed. He thought it was right for me to feel worse about how I treated you than for being gay. Because the most important commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself," Andy smiled.

"But he said that I can't love my neighbor as myself, if I don't first love myself. It sounds weird, I know," Andy shrugged. "But it makes a weird kind of sense. I guess I hadn't been loving myself, so I didn't know how to love others."

Marcus smiled at that. It made a lot of sense, not the weird kind but the normal logical kind.

"And then Father Sullivan gave me a lecture on theology that I thought I understood, but clearly I had no clue."

"What's that?" Marcus' voice was barely more than a whisper. He was afraid anything louder would ruin the moment and scare Andy off just when things were starting to become clear.

"That at the center of the Christian faith is the fact that we are all sinners," Andy continued with a smile. "But that we are all saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Anything and everything else besides that is secondary. There's a lot of variation in the Christian faith, Christians can believe a whole slew of things. But as long as they believe that central truth, they can believe whatever they want about all the rest of it."

He paused and looked at Marcus expectantly. Except Marcus wasn't sure how was he supposed to respond. So he looked away and cleared his throat.

"Sorry," Andy's smile was sheepish. "I miss looking at you."

Marcus was never one to blush easily, that was Doe eyes' trick. But he couldn't help the flush that spread across his cheeks at Andy's words. That lump in his throat grew.

"It took a lot of arguing and fighting, but Father Sullivan eventually convinced me that I wouldn't be committing heresy if I left the clergy. Actually," Andy gave a dry chuckle. "It was more like he helped me see that I had been using the priesthood as some sort of escape route. I was taking advantage of the vow of celibacy to avoid having to deal with who I am. He once told me that some people become priests to run away from something, and they end up doing more harm than good. I think I knew even back then that I was one of those people—but, I just never wanted to admit it."

A part of Marcus wanted to scream, I told you so! But Andy clearly had figured that part out himself.

"Anyways, Father Sullivan assured me that if I left, it wasn't as if I was conceding defeat or admitting that I'm not strong enough, or anything like that. Resigning from the priesthood isn't a sign of failure—that was a hard idea to accept. But to be honest, considering all the sneaking around I'd been doing, well, my vow was kind of a sham anyways—my life would have a lot more integrity if I was a layman.

Not everyone is called to be a priest; I've told people that dozens of times, I just never thought it applied to me. But Father Sullivan finally made me realized that if I found someone I love, well, marriage can be just as glorifying to God as being a minister of faith."

Andy was looking at him with those big doe eyes, hopeful and expectant. If Andy was trying to imply something with that last bit about love and marriage, Marcus wasn't going to bite; he forced himself not to read too much into those words. But there was no denying the sense of clarity in the way Andy spoke, as if he had arrived at a revelation and everything finally made sense.

"Seems like you've figured it all out," Marcus was frankly rather surprised at the complete 180 Andy had pulled. It didn't seem like that was possible in the span of three weeks.

Andy smiled with a hint of sadness, "Not entirely. But enough to know that this is the right decision. You know that sense of peace I told you about? The peace I'm supposed to find with God?"

Marcus nodded.

"I think I may have found it," Andy admitted. "I think I found it when I finally accepted who I am."

Marcus smiled, knowing how important that peace was to Andy; he was genuinely happy that Andy was happy. But he reminded himself that that didn't necessarily translate into anything more for them.

"So I'm not going to be a priest anymore. No more vow of celibacy. And I'm out, well, at least to Father Sullivan. I don't have many friends and I'm not sure I'm ready to come out to my family just yet, but I don't want to hide anymore. I found something that gives me peace, well, someone who gives me peace, and I want to be with him."

Marcus swallowed thickly, resisting the temptation to let his heart fall into Andy's outstretched hands. Marcus set his jaw, fighting against the need to pour out love on Andy.

"Marcus," said Andy. Despite Marcus' efforts otherwise, his heart swelled at the sound of his name on Andy's lips. "You're that person, and I want to be with you. Is that okay?"

Marcus felt like he had been punched in the stomach as all the air gushed out of his lungs. These were the words he'd wanted to hear for months now, words that he had been desperate to hear. So why did he feel so completely shattered?

"Fuck, Andy," Marcus managed to get out. He ran his hands through his hair, and stood up to pace around the confined space behind the table. He tried to get his brain to clear out all the jumbled thoughts running through his mind.

Marcus glanced down just in time to see the hopeful smile slip from Andy's face, replaced by embarrassment, hurt, and heartbreak. Marcus belatedly realized what his reaction looked like.

Marcus sighed with exasperation before kneeling in front of Andy and grasping the other man's hands in his own.

"No, Andy, that's not what I meant," Marcus tried to explain. "I meant... I mean... Fuck."

Marcus sighed again as the man he loved frowned down at him in confusion.

"Andy, you can't just dump all this on me and expect me to... it's just..." Marcus sighed heavily. "It's a lot."

Andy nodded, disappointment showing clearly in his big brown eyes. Marcus wished he could wipe that look away and replace it with happiness. But he'd been through hell the past several weeks and he wasn't sure he had any emotional capacity left to spare.

"I love you," Andy whispered. "If that matters."

Marcus' heart broke at the sweetness and hope that laced Andy's words. He loved Andy, too. There was no denying that truth. But there was so much baggage between the two of them; Marcus was scared they weren't strong enough to sort through it all. And if they didn't make it... well, Marcus didn't think he'd survive another break up with Andy.

Marcus raised a hand and ran his thumb along Andy's cheekbone, burying his fingers into Andy's thick brown hair. Did he dare risk his heart again with this man?

"Andy, Doe eyes, I—"

Marcus didn't get a chance to finish the thought before Andy leaned forward and stole a kiss.

After the initial surprise, Marcus couldn't stop the growl that emanated from his chest. He tightened his grip on Andy's hair and held the other man in place as Andy's lips caressed his own.

God, he had missed this. He had missed the feel of Andy's soft lips against his own, the feel of Andy's body in his arms, the clean woodsy smell of Andy that drove Marcus crazy. He could get drunk on Andy's kisses; they tasted better than any alcohol found on the face of the earth, Marcus was sure of it.

Unable to stop himself, Marcus took over the kiss, swiping his tongue across Andy's lips, demanding entry into Andy's mouth. He was rewarded with that little whimper of surrender as Andy opened for him, melting into Marcus' body.

Suddenly, a chorus of yelps and catcalls broke out from the other side of the booth's table. Marcus reluctantly pulled back to see what the ruckus was and wasn't surprised to find the kids from the Center grinning and giggling at them.

"Damn, Marcus!" exclaimed Ryan. "Some chaperone you are! Disappearing on us to go make out with some hot guy."

Marcus turned back to Andy and was greeted by a bright red flush. Marcus expected nothing less.

Marcus slowly extricated himself from Andy's arms. As much as he would have liked to continue kissing Andy, he knew that if they hoped to salvage whatever relationship that had been budding between them, it couldn't just be based on hot sex. Marcus knew they could do hot sex; the question was, could they do more than that?

"Dude! You're supposed to be chaperoning us so we don't get into trouble!" Nick said. "It looks like we should be chaperoning you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Marcus waved a dismissive hand at the kids. He turned back to Andy, "Look, um..."

"Hi kids!" Father Sullivan chose that very moment to return, shuffling through the kids and around the table. "Are you having fun?"

The kids broke out in variations of yeah, it's cools as Father Sullivan beamed at them.

"Andy, Marcus, thanks for looking after the table for me. Why don't you two take the kids around some more?" Father Sullivan shooed them out from behind the table.

Andy looked so hopeful with those big doe eyes that Marcus couldn't refuse.

"Yeah, sure," Marcus said.

"Have a great time!" Father Sullivan sent them off with a wave.

Marcus stuffed his hands into his pockets as Andy fell into step next to him. He didn't trust himself not to grab Andy's hand. That single kiss back there had reminded Marcus of how good it felt to touch Andy, and Marcus knew he wasn't strong enough to think things through clearly if he gave into the temptation.

Marcus could feel Andy staring, the heat of Andy's eyes as they gazed unabashedly at him. When Marcus turned to meet Andy's gaze, Andy smiled at him and Marcus' heart did a summersault.

Fuck.

"So, um, what are you going to do after you leave the church?" Marcus asked—anything to keep himself from grabbing Andy and assaulting him in the middle of the street.

Andy shrugged, "I'm not sure yet. I'll need to find a place to stay first, I guess."

Marcus bit his tongue before he could offer Andy a space in his bed.

"And then find a job," Andy continued. "I figured I could volunteer at the Center until then, at least. I was going to reach out to Kathleen on Monday."

Double fuck.

"Do you think it'll be okay if I help out there? Do you think the kids will be okay with it?" Andy asked.

A small smile spread across Marcus' face at the sincerity he heard in Andy's voice. Despite all the crap they had been through, Marcus had no doubt that Andy would always put those kids' best interests first. Marcus thought back to the magic Andy had worked with Sophie and was certain that the kids would fall madly in love with Andy just as quickly as Marcus had.

"I think you'll be a big hit."

"Yeah?" Andy asked, with an uncertain grimace.

"Yeah," Marcus said, his smile growing. He bumped his shoulder against Andy's, delighting in the chuckle it elicited from Andy.

Andy bumped him back, and suddenly everything seemed right with the world. Marcus had no idea what tomorrow would hold, but he felt at peace, as if everything that had been turned upside down in the past three weeks were suddenly right side up again. He had hope, and that was enough for him.

*****

"Stop fidgeting," said Marcus as he reached over to grasp Andy's hand. Andy looked down to see their fingers intertwined—the sight never failed to make his heart swell.

"I'm nervous," Andy responded, squeezing Marcus' hand. "I've never done this before."

"Oh, right, I keep forgetting."

Andy shot Marcus a good natured glare.

"Don't worry!" Marcus laughed. "She's going to love you."

"She hates me."

Marcus looked like he was going to dispute Andy's statement, but then stopped himself.

"She'll come around," Marcus said with a shrug, and then laughed as Andy punched him on the shoulder. "Ow, that hurt."

Andy rolled his eyes, but stopped himself mid-roll as he spotted Cheryl arriving at the restaurant. Andy was meeting Marcus' mother for the first time at their regular brunch dates, and he was so nervous his stomach was in knots. Marcus had told him how angry Cheryl had been when things were at their worst, and Andy was eager to repair his damaged reputation.

Cheryl wove her way through the tables with an icy look on her face. Andy gulped—Cheryl looked like she could eat him alive.

Andy stood as Cheryl approached the table and automatically pulled out her chair for her as he'd been taught to do since a child.

"Really, Andy?" Marcus asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Huh? What?"

Andy followed Marcus' gesture as waved his hand toward the direction of the chair.

"Tsk, don't pay any attention to my son," said Cheryl. "Apparently, he needs to learn some manners."

"Ugh, whatever," Marcus rolled his eyes, but didn't even bother getting out of his seat.

Andy smiled shyly as he sat back down.

"You're taller than I imagined," Cheryl gave Andy a once over.

Andy immediately felt a blush spread across his face at her comment.

"Um, I'm 5'11, ma'am."

"We're the same height, mother. What does it matter?" Marcus was glaring at his mom.

Cheryl glared right back at him.

"Marcus tells me you used to be a Catholic priest," Cheryl continued, ignoring her son.

Andy's blush deepened and he reached for his Bellini for some liquid strength before answering.

"Uh, yes, ma'am. Up until about 6 months ago."

"And what have you been doing since then?" Cheryl questioned Andy.

"I've been volunteering at the LGBT Center," Andy answered, smiling as he thought of the kids he worked with there. "We're actually discussing the possibility of me coming on as full-time staff, probably as youth director."

"He's started an a cappella group," added Marcus with a smile. "Nerd."

Andy glanced over to see Marcus with his chin propped up in his hand, elbow braced on the table. The sweet smile and admiring look in Marcus' eyes calmed Andy's nerves; it was a look Andy had come to appreciate and depend on over the past months, it was a look that settled any doubts Andy had and encouraged him to push forward in his journey.

Andy smiled back at Marcus, the two of them sharing a private moment, oblivious to the way Cheryl was examining them.

"Are you still attending church services or anything like that?" Cheryl interrupted them.

Andy turned his attention back to Cheryl before sighing.

"Not really," he admitted. "I haven't been going to the public masses, but I have kept in touch with my previous colleague at the parish. He's been generous enough to meet with me privately and do pseudo-masses together."

"He still does his Liturgy of Hours thing," added Marcus.

"What's that?" asked Cheryl.

"They're like daily prayers," explained Andy. "I've been doing them every day for pretty much my entire life. It's a hard habit to break."

Andy gave her a wry grin and a shrug.

"Well, don't break the habit if you don't have to," said Cheryl. "If it's important to you, you should cherish it. No point swinging from one extreme to the other, if you know what I mean."

Andy did know and he appreciated her affirmation of the practice of his faith. It had been one of the most challenging things about leaving the church so far—how much of his faith did he keep and what parts should he let go of? Father Sullivan—and even Kathleen from the Center—had been instrumental in helping him find a middle ground.