All Comments on 'Strawberry - A Shanghai Girl in America Ch. 02'

I think he said faced, not faceless. Short for shitfaced.

Another nice little story. You write well.

No, he said "even if you're faceless." I was working to a variation on "shitfaced" that could be misconstrued. So happy you enjoyed it tho, Thx :)

Chloe, I rally like your stories! You make me love all of your characters. They are all so beautiful, smart and approachable. Thank you for sharing your stories with us! Steve

Thankyou Steve :) - so happy with that feedback! So excited! So good timing! So inside Strawberry's head right now. So grateful for nice comments. So fixated on using "So". LOL! Anyhow, for those looking for more action, so to speak, the last half of this story was more of a setup for the very next Strawberry story, the title of which is still undetermined, but it's an immediate followon from this.

the whole thing of her comparing alan to her old b/f would piss me off plus the longer she goes without telling him about petes betraying them at the party will piss him off more.

oohhh things get worse for Strawberry before they get better.... wait for the next one ....

...I largely enjoyed it.

The digression on her former boyfriend was understandable but the transition into it could have been improved: it's largely at the front of the story but at times seems to still interfere with Alan's narrative. Despite that, it completely informed us of Longwei's backstory and the differences between her Chinese and American boyfriends; in that, nice touch. I would recommend you title sections to alert readers it will deal with a certain character, so backstories and current storylines can remain clearly apart/separated. I would also caution about excessive political digressions, strictly because there's an "author" here on site that writes very offensive, racist, bigoted and grossly inaccurate political commentaries in every story that turn off readers around the 1st or 2nd paragraph. While 98% of what you said was true (many Filipinas being maids and American colleges having some truly vapid and useless degree offerings--along with American girls acting correspondingly airheaded educationally), let it be side commentaries only when absolutely necessary to illustrate the cultural differences between China's worldview and the U.S. one. I credit you for largely using it positively to support Strawberry's interpretation of America and in that, it was helpful.

I really love how you give a small dictionary of Chinese terms to finish the story. I got 95% of the things you put in Chinese right from the contexts you wrote, so you excelled there. Nice to provide that for those who may prove unable to negotiate that meaning. Even how she misunderstood the "faceless" comment was very obvious as to why she would and how her friends had to explain it to her, to correct her.

Really enjoyed how you center on Strawberry's feelings, thoughts and sensations she experiences. It really heightens the story and you craft a very authentic atmosphere. I love reading about her and how she thinks and what she feels. Few pull that off so well.

Be aware of the above pitfalls and try remedying them; otherwise, very solid, descriptive and well-crafted story about Strawberry. Looking forward to reading more. :) 4*

So many thanks, Comentarista82! So much gratitude for so helpful comments on the way that was written. Joking aside, that's so helpful and thx a million for the critique. Really appreciate the time you took to review and provide that feedback.

Ciao...... Chloe

Chloe, stick with using "So" please, it is such a neat addition to your remarkable ability to paint pictures with words.

L

So happy to oblige (at least with Strawberry). So much fun to write. So giggling when I write that. The next Strawberry story should be done before Christmas, altho it may not make it thru the submission process until afterwards. Working title, "Happiness, Your Name is Strawberry".

After that I have Chapter One of a new multi-part story on the go, "Chinese Takeout, Chapter 01 - Dim Sum Octopus". About a cute chinese girl who gets picked up by a biker. A love story in many parts.

Hayley is also making a comeback, I think with a new & additional Prologue chapter (long story...) And lastly, another stand-alone story, "The Temptation of Sammi Woo", about a chinese girl who discovers she likes pole dancing. So very exhibitionist of her, so excited, so fucked hard and loving it by the end of the story.

So many Christmas presents for you all :)

So many ciao's ....... Chloe

I like this and you right rather well. Good interjection of the chinese terms...really helps with the authenticity. And unexpected developments too. Focus on the sensuality and try to restrict the blunter terms so that they have the impact you want when you do use them. E57F. I am not American or in America (so you have global audience!) so am probably more sensitive to the blunter terms as I think they are more commonplace in the US. The glossary is good too.