Sunrise Sunset Ch. 05

When I walked into my house that evening, my heart was pounding and my head was swimming. I didn't know what to expect. Had Jenny lost control and told Ellen about me? I tried to play it cool when I walked into the kitchen. Ellen was just preparing dinner as usual. I poured my usual drink, and sat to look at the paper. But that's all I did; look at it. I couldn't focus enough to actually read.

Dinner went as usual and Ellen didn't say anything about Jennifer, but she seemed distant, quiet. Then she started to cry. Oh shit, did she know about me? "Mike, I'm really worried," she said. "Jenny was over here today and she and Keith are in big trouble."

"What kind of trouble?" I asked trying to stay calm but showing my concern.

"Jenny has been having an affair, and Keith found out about it. She's a mess and so is Keith. She's so upset. I can't understand why she did it, but apparently Keith's total involvement with his job made her so lonely and alienated that she's been seeing some married guy for the past four months or so. I can't understand it. It's just not like her. I'm so worried that she and Keith will divorce and how that will mess to the kids. She tells me that they've been through this before when Keith had some stupid fling about six or seven years ago. She's hoping that they can work through it again, and I've been praying and worrying all day. I love her so much. She's like a niece, sister, and daughter all rolled up into one. I'll die if something bad happens."

She began to weep, and I gathered her into my arms. "Jesus, Ellen, I don't know what to say," I replied feeling like a piece-of-shit hypocrite. "I really hope it can work out for them. I love her too."

For the next several days at work, I was like a caged animal. I waited for a call, but none came. I checked my e-mail account every few hours, nothing. On Friday, I finally sent a quick e-mail to her, "I've been frantic thinking about you. If you can, please let me know that you're ok. I pray that you're ok." I didn't even sign it. I wasn't sure how to anymore without shooting myself in the foot. I spent the weekend wondering.

Tuesday of the following week, was the first I heard from her. She e-mailed, "I'm doing better. It's pretty tense and awful. Keith has been sleeping on the sofa. The kids don't understand, but we're trying to get through it. We told them that dad had a bad cold and didn't want to give it to me. I doubt that they're that stupid, but they're smart enough to keep their distance. They can sense something, but we're trying to stay civil in front of them. Keith is at least talking to me, and we've agreed to go to marriage counseling. That much at least gives me hope. I wanted to do it six years ago, but Keith refused. I think that he's in favor now because the shoe's on the other foot. Don't worry about me. I'll keep you informed. Thank you for caring. You are so special. J"

The following week, I kept checking for messages. Again, by Friday I couldn't stand it, and sent her another message just saying that I was thinking of her and praying for the both of them. The following Wednesday, I got her response saying, "It's still pretty cold around here, but we do seem to be talking more and trying to communicate better. Sometimes Keith seems a bit open, and then he'll go into his cave for hours and hours. We've started seeing the counselor today. She seems pretty nice so far. We went together for the first meeting, and she has a pretty intense schedule outlined for us in the beginning. For the first few weeks, she wants to see us as a couple and also each individually once a week. We'll see how it goes after that. I'll talk to you when I can. Please don't worry. Stay well. Remember how special you are. J"

The lack of communication was tearing me up and frustrating me, but I knew I had to concede to her wishes. The fact that they were starting counseling and therapy was making me hopeful that things could be resolved. There were several more e-mails indicating that things were stable for the most part, but they sometimes they fell into arguments and accusations. Keith still wanted to know about the man she was seeing and what they did together, but the counselor repeatedly told him to redirect his thinking away from those details and focus on what they needed to do to reconnect. It was almost mid May when I picked up the ringing phone and heard Jenny's voice.

"Holy shit Jenny! It's so damned great to hear your voice," I said elatedly. "How are you doing? How is Keith doing? What's happening with you?"

"We're doing better, but I wouldn't say that we're 100%. Our counseling sessions are down to only one meeting per week as a couple because we've been able to start talking without yelling. The counselor has recommended that we take a trip together without the kids to try to reconnect as a couple. We're heading to Bermuda on a two week cruise. A couple of days over, we'll spend eight days on the island, and then a couple of days back. It works out well with the kids still being in school. They'll stay with my mom. I wanted to let you know because I didn't want you to worry if you didn't hear from me for a while."

"It sounds great," I said. "Please call me when you get back."

"Maybe I'll send you and Aunt Ellen a post card," she laughed.

She did call when she got back to tell me about the cruise. She sounded happier than I could have imagined. She told me that she and Keith had really been talking about a lot of things and starting to learn a lot about each other's feelings that seem to have gotten shuffled into the corner over the past 6-7 years. She said that she'd keep me informed, but that the next month or so would be a critical time. We did message each other a couple of times a week and talk on the phone now and then, but it was mostly just to reassure me that things were getting better. She always told me that she hoped Aunt Ellen and I were doing ok. During the past couple of months, she had been calling Ellen regularly and had gone to lunch with her a few times. Ellen relayed news to me about their progress even though I had heard much of the same from Jenny.

It wasn't till July 4th that I actually saw Jenny again. Her dad had an annual cook-out for the family. Jenny and Keith and the kids were there. They seemed to be a regular family. In fact, Keith and Jenny seemed happier than I could have imagined under the circumstances. I was thrilled for her. I hoped that it wasn't all a well-acted play. The afternoon had settled into evening when Jenny and Keith gathered us all and announced that they had some news that would probably not make us all very happy. My heart sank. I prayed that this wasn't going to be news that they were divorcing.

"Keith and I have decided to move back to Denver," she announced with what seemed to be a little bit of over-compensated enthusiasm. People were surprised and her mom exclaimed, "NO! Why do you have to go away again? Is Keith being transferred or is it another promotion? Are you just doing this for more money? Why do you have to go?"

"No, mom," she reassured. "In fact, Keith has gotten a different job at another company out there that used to do some business with the company he's with now. He's quitting the job here. It was requiring too much time away and too much of a work load. If anything, he's stepping back down the ladder for awhile, and it will be less pay. However, my old company has offered to hire me back, and with both of us working, we'll be more than fine. We've been talking about this for a while and we think it's best for both of us and the kids. We didn't want to say anything till Keith's job offer was officially tendered yesterday. He was out there for several days a couple of weeks ago doing interviews, but that was more of a formality. We won't be moving for another couple of months because Keith has to give notice, we have to make some trips to find a house, and we have to put ours up for sale. It's going to be pretty hectic, but we'd like to be moved and settled in time for the school year starting out there. "

There were more questions and well wishes and congratulations. I was able to catch up with Jenny alone after the general hubbub ended. "How come you didn't tell me about this?" I asked. "Are you sure about this?"

"We are certain about it," she answered. "Keith and I as well as our counselor feel like getting away from here would help to clear the slate for a new start."

"How about the old slate out there with Keith's past fling," I asked.

"I can handle that," she answered. "I had handled that years ago. Believe me, I didn't feel as much threatened by that situation as Keith seemed to be about this. As long as he was going to be out of town for days at a time, week after week, I don't think he would have ever felt comfortable leaving me here. I think I have him convinced that it's over and that there won't be an encore, but we both think this is best for us. Look, I can't say much right now, but I really want to see you and hash this all out. Please? Can we do that? You deserve that. It would mean a lot to me to really clear the air."

After the July 4th announcement, I decided at it would be better to let Jenny call me at her discretion rather than me trying to contact her. It sounded like they would be pretty busy for a while. She did send me a message one day that she and Keith were going out to Denver for week to do some house hunting. She called me when she got back to say they had found a few possibilities but were going out again the following week to take the kids to look at a few more. It was one morning in late August when she called and asked if I could find a little time to meet her to talk. We arranged to meet at the same place where we had that fateful morning in April. I decided to drive to a quiet place near a park not far away where it was shady and we could be more comfortable. Luckily, there was a break in the late summer heat and it was unusually dry and comfortable with the windows open in the car.

"We'll be leaving in just a few days," she said, "so I really wanted to have some time to talk. I needed to tell you that Keith and I are starting to feel like we are on pretty solid ground again. We've pretty much gotten a blessing from the counselor, but she gave us the name of somebody she knows in Denver so that we have someone to contact if we want. We gave her permission to send our records to that counselor, and we even stopped in on one of our house hunting trips to introduce ourselves to her."

There was a bit of a lull when I said, "Jennifer, I truly hope that you guys are going to make it and be even stronger. You have to know that all I have hoped and prayed during the past four months is that you'd stay together and come out fine."

She hugged me and said, "I know that Uncle Mike. I've wished the same for you and Aunt Ellen. I never ever wanted any of this to get back to you guys. You have to understand how much I love both of you, and that I'd never have forgiven myself if anything would have hurt you. She's my aunt, my sister, my second mother, my friend. I love her and I love you too Uncle Mike, in every sense of the word."

My eyes started to moisten. "I love you to Jenny. I love you every possible way, and I've always wished the best for you. I have to ask you something though. It's something I've thought about a lot, but I can't understand. You've always said how much you love Ellen and would die if she ended up hurt. I haven't been able to really understand how we could have had the relationship we did with you feeling that way."

She laughed and said, "I was wondering why you never asked me that. I wanted so much to talk to the counselor about it, but couldn't because I was afraid it would somehow get back to Keith. In my own sideways, convoluted, crazy way of thinking about it, I genuinely felt that I was protecting Aunt Ellen."

"Protecting her?" I questioned.

"That's right. When I first saw you in that restaurant back before Thanksgiving, I was probably just as shocked, maybe even more so, than you were to see me. It was just too hard to process. Then I started realizing that you were there because you really had committed to finding another woman to be with. I started thinking that you might end up with some woman who could be carrying whatever sort of disease; or maybe a gold-digger divorcee with kids looking to steal a new husband; or maybe some psycho like the one in that 'Fatal Attraction' movie that might try to harm either or both of you. I knew that if you were dead set on finding another woman, I was the safest one for you. As long as you were with me, Ellen was safe. I wasn't going to hurt you or her or try to break up your marriage. That's one of the reasons I was concerned about you seeing Kathy when I wasn't around. I felt like I could give you what you were looking for; you could give me what I needed; and I'd be sort of your guardian. I know that might not make sense to a lot of people, but it made sense to me."

It was my turn to laugh. "Strange as it may sound, I do understand. Maybe I even felt a bit like that about Keith. I always felt protective of you, and I think part of that was that I was protecting you from leaving Keith. I kept hoping that he would get his act together at work and you'd be back on track with him. It finally happened, but not without all the pain and suffering I hoped wouldn't happen. I thought that at some point we'd both realize that we only needed to be there for each other till things settled out."

"I suppose we were just a couple of dude-ranch horses," she sighed. "I did talk to the counselor about that."

"Ok, dude-ranch horses? You're going to have to explain that one to me too."

She smiled. "I had this friend in Denver, a co-worker, who was raised on her parents' ranch about an hour and a half outside of the city, up in the foothills. It wasn't some fancy big race horse type operation. They just bred and raised your good old basic horses, whatever kind they are, for general folks to ride. Some people bought them and boarded them there. Some came up for the weekend to ride. They even had a few rooms to rent, sort of a small bed and breakfast."

"Anyway," she continued, "these were pretty docile animals, but every now and then, one would bolt out of an open barn door. Sometimes, especially in the spring when they were out in the corral, one would raise their head like there was a scent on the breeze; the thawing ground, the greening prairie grass, something. He might start prancing in circles or run from fence to fence until, maybe he would just jump the fence and gallop out into the prairie; kicking up his hind legs, bucking, just acting nuts. The first time she saw this, she ran in a state of panic to get her dad. He just calmed her down, told her it was alright, and not to worry. Usually, in a few hours, the horse would come back and stand by the corral like he wanted to be let back in."

"Sometimes," she went on, "if the animal didn't come back after awhile, her dad would throw a saddle into a jeep along with some carrots or apples, and a bucket of oats, Then he and one of their hands would go out looking. She went with them a few times. One time, they had to come home and go back out the next morning, but they found him. They'd usually find the runaway a few miles away just contently grazing on some wild grass. Her dad would walk up slowly, speaking softly, holding the apple and the bucket of oats. He'd rub the horse's neck with his hand or his own head, and then after a while, would lead him back to the jeep, saddle him and ride him back to the barn. He'd usually just go right back to his stall for a wipe down and brushing."

"The point is," she sighed, "that they knew where they belonged, and didn't really want to run away. They had a home, and knew their place. They just needed a little time to run out in the prairie without a saddle and munch on some wild flowers. I think we were a little like; maybe you a little more than me. When I look back, I can see that I was feeling sorry for myself, and feeling trapped. I wanted, needed, some attention."

"Jenny," I said, "I can't help but understand what you're saying. I've thought a lot about all of this too. I've been so angry with myself for doing what I did, especially since it got you into such trouble, and I was standing back safe and warm letting you out in the cold. It flew in the face of me wanting to care for you and protect you. I do love you, Jenny, in all the right ways. All I can wish for is your happiness."

"I love you to Uncle Mike," she responded a little moist-eyed. "I always have, but now even more because of what I've gone through. I'd better be going. I promised Aunt Ellen that I'd have lunch with her to say good-bye. It isn't good-bye though. I want you guys to promise me that you'll come and visit. I'm hoping to get settled and do Christmas at our place this year. Please tell me you'll come. I'm trying to get my parents and Keith's parents to commit as well. We can show you all around. Maybe go skiing. Hey, maybe we can even go up to my friend's and see some of those horses."

I laughed, and we hugged. "Sounds like a plan," I told her. "Listen, I've deleted all of your pictures so we can forget this all ever happened."

"Oh, Uncle Mike," she said wiping her eyes. "I never want to forget any of it. I don't want you to either. It's a permanent part of who we are. It was stupid and selfish in many ways, I know. I regret the anguish and worry it caused, but I don't regret a second of our time together. It helped me to really know you. You're a truly caring person, and you were always sensitive to my needs. I got to try some really intimate things with you that I'd always wanted to, but was afraid to with Keith. I don't know how he would have responded to some of it. I'm not at all ashamed of what we did, but we have to understand deep down that they can never happen again. They will be our special secret for the rest of our lives. I really want you and Aunt Ellen to be closer so you'll never even think about doing anything like this with anybody else ever again. Promise me."

"I promise, Jenny. I hope you know that I feel the same way about you. I hope this somehow this works out for both of us, but it's going to be some heavy baggage."

"I know," she said. "We just have to accept it as a double sided coin. Hopefully more good than bad will come out of it. I guess in every marriage, there's a lot of good stuff and bad stuff that comes rolling down the road. You just have to keep plowing forward and hope there's more good stuff than bad stuff.'

I burst out laughing, and she seemed upset. Perhaps she thought I was being cynical. "Trust me, Jenny," I chuckled. "I'm not laughing at what you said. It's very insightful and so true. I'm laughing to myself because you are the second very wise woman in my life that has told me the same thing. You are as special as they come."

"I have to go or I'll be late," she said. "You guys better be out at Christmas to see me I'll hunt you down. I'm going to get Aunt Ellen to sign in blood." I kissed her hand, we smiled a special smile, and I took her back to her car at the mall. We held hands as I drove. One more hug, and then I watched as she got into her car and drove away.

Later, as Ellen and I were cleaning up after dinner that evening, she said, "I had lunch with Jennifer today. They're moving the day after tomorrow. I am really going to miss them. After all those years, she was back here where I could be with her, and now she's going away again. I can only pray that they all continue to do well. She's planning on having a Christmas gathering out there this year, and I told her we would come. I hope that's ok with you?"

"No problem," I said.

Then Ellen continued. "She really got me thinking today about us. I know I've been into a lot of stuff here lately and maybe I need to cut down on that a bit so we can spend more time together. That cruise she and Keith went on sounded like fun. I know we've already missed our 25th anniversary, but maybe we could do something for the 26th, like a second honeymoon."