Surefoot 08: The Walking Wounded

"Thank you, Respected Commander. I regret my recollection was less than perfect during the time when I was on fire."

T'Varik raised an eyebrow, appearing not entirely sure if he was making a joke or not. "I am certain we can overlook it under the circumstances. Don't you agree, Captain?"

"This one time, yes."

Kit nodded. "What will happen to Friend Jonas? He did not mean to see harm come to me-"

"We know; you made that quite clear in your report. But this goes far beyond what his intentions were for you. You will have to trust in our judgement regarding Mr Ostrow."

*

Deck 1, Captain's Office, Two Days Later:

Jonas stood, trembling slightly in front of the three senior officers of the ship, Captain Hrelle in the centre, leaning against his desk, with Commander T'Varik on his right hand and Counselor Shall on his left, the former speaking first. "Mr Ostrow, reckless endangerment of one's own life is serious enough in itself. But you also put a crewmate's life in danger as well. I have read your statement about the incident; we are aware that you attempted to send Mr Kitirik away before you deliberately triggered a plasma flare. And we are aware that he will make a full recovery. But neither of these are relevant to the matter at hand. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Commander," the boy replied, unable to look at any of them. "I- I want it on the record that I fully accept my guilt in this, and I am prepared to face whatever punishment you decide for me without argument."

"Well, that's good to hear, Jonas, that will make things much easier. Commander?"

T'Varik stepped in again. "Your duty shift for the next four weeks has been revised; you will be assigned for shorter periods, under the constant supervision of Chief Grev, and this will allow you to attend the increased counseling sessions scheduled for you."

Jonas frowned, confused, looking to each of them. "Duty Shift?"

"Of course," Hrelle answered mildly. "You will also be fitted with a subcutaneous implant, which will monitor your location and biosigns at all times, and should you... accidentally leave your combadge somewhere, you will hear us anyway. Needless to say, you will not make any effort to remove or disable it. Once we feel it is no longer necessary, it will be extracted."

"As the Commander noted," Kami continued, "You'll have more Counseling, short daily ones with me, where I'll help you deal more effectively with your depression and anxiety. There will also be group sessions, with Alpha Squad, as well as a... select number onboard, who have also been where you are, who know better what you're feeling, and can guide you."

"I- I don't understand," he finally said, paling. "Why aren't you court-martialling me? Sending me to the stockade?"

"I believe I once informed you that you mean too much to this ship and crew to let you go so easily," T'Varik reminded him. "Recent events have not changed that opinion."

"But- But I nearly killed Kit!"

"And nearly killed yourself," Kami added soberly. "And you'll have to deal with both of those facts, for the rest of your life. But you can best deal with them here."

"This isn't the Dark Ages, Jonas," Hrelle answered. "You're not evil. You've just been listening to the wrong advice: that little voice in the back of your head, the one that's kept you up at night, telling you you're worthless, friendless, hopeless. The one that won't leave you alone.

The same voice that I have in the back of *my* head, telling me I'm a coward, a traitor... a monster... for what I went through, and that I'd be better off taking a point-blank phaser blast to the brain.

But those voices lie to us, Jonas. And a part of us knows it. We just have to find the strength to force them down again. I did. So will you."

Jonas' eyes widened, his disbelief plain. "I'm not- I'm not leaving?"

"No," Kami assured him. "But it won't be easy. You need to learn to open up, to be willing to help yourself. We can give you all the support and encouragement we can, and Dr Ling can deal with the neurological anomalies in the brain that cause depression and anxiety - but each of us has to deal with the Voices that can bring the symptoms back."

"We believe you can do this," T'Varik told him. "We believe in you. You may not trust in yourself right now, so just take our word that you can, and you will."

Jonas looked to each of them in turn again, nodding, his voice cracking. "T-Thank you. All of you..."

Hrelle stepped forward, seemingly regarding Jonas as if for the first time, before leaning in towards the young man's left ear, whispering, "I'm speaking now to that Voice in the back of Jonas' head, the one that's been lying to him, telling him he's weak and useless, telling him he's better off dead:

Pack your bags. Your days are numbered. You're not getting a hold on him any longer, because he has his family behind him now. He's kicking you out, and while he may hear you shouting from a distance from time to time, he won't be listening to you anymore.

So do yourself a favour, and fuck off..."

*

Deck 1, Briefing Room, Later:

Nearly all of the cadets and crew had assembled, leaving the room somewhat crowded, and prompting T'Varik to keep the meeting concise. "An issue has arisen of late which prompts me to address this to you personally: your mental and emotional well-being.

It is recognised that even in our more enlightened age, there may exist among certain individuals or cultures stigmas attached with regards to mental health issues. These stigmas may prevent people from coming forward to discuss problems which they or others might be experiencing.

The Captain, the Counselor and I want all of you to accept that you are in a safe environment here, safe to be open, to be honest, and to seek help when required. Silence, and fear, can be deadly, and no problem can be solved unless it is first acknowledged-"

"Come on, Commander, let's be honest." This came from Cadet Thykrill, the Andorian Security Specialist of Beta Squad, who was sitting at the front of the group. "We all know this 'issue' is about Jonas Ostrow and what he did to the Qarari."

Nearby, Alpha Squad sat together, Neraxis turning in her seat, looking angry. "Just sit there and stay quiet for once, Thykrill, you have no idea what the hell you're talking about."

The Andorian glared back, as T'Varik informed her, "What might have prompted this discussion is not relevant, Cadet."

Thykrill sneered now, her gaunt blue face darkened as she folded her arms across her chest and tilted her antennae downward from her mop of snow-white hair. "It seems quite relevant, Commander, since I doubt if we'd have to endure this interminable lecture of yours if not for the actions of some weakling coward."

Alpha Squad rose to their feet as one, Sasha and Rrori grabbing a furious Neraxis as the Bolian made a move towards Thykrill. "One more fucking word out of you and I'm gonna kick your bony blue ass back to Andor!"

Thykrill and several members of Beta Squad rose as well, Thykrill snarling, "Come and try it, you fat Bolian cow!"

Sasha pulled Neraxis back, though she was almost as angry. "You'd better shut her up, Giles! I mean it!"

Beside Thykrill, Beta Squad Leader Giles Arrington looked both angry and embarrassed. "That is way out of line, Atiaro! You've no right to say that!"

"Oh, of course you'll take your lover's side in this! So long as you have a warm wet place to put your piece-"

"ENOUGH!"

All attentions returned to T'Varik, her expression tight. "One more word from any of you, and you will be suspended from duty indefinitely. Sit down - no, not you, Cadet Thykrill. Remain standing. And at attention."

As the cadets complied, the Vulcan continued. "Cadet, if the health and well-being of your fellow crewmates is of no concern to you, you do not need to endure this interminable lecture of mine. You may return to your quarters... and pack your belongings, while I arrange for your expulsion from Starfleet Academy."

Thykrill's eyes widened in shock. "Expulsion? You- you can't do that! I have a right to my opinion- as a Federation citizen-"

"You do, and you retain that right. But onboard a Starfleet vessel, other rules apply, and your rights become secondary to those rules. Your words and attitude exhibit a gross disrespect for your crewmates. And as I believe I have already demonstrated with the disposition of former cadet Jared Miro, I am *acutely* intolerant of disrespect."

But then she spoke in a softer tone. "Atiaro, Andorians have historically shown little regard for those with mental illness. But I am aware that this has changed in recent years, thanks to a renowned statesman and philosopher on your world.

I remember a particular statement he once made: 'Those who have fought with Life, whose wounds cannot be seen, are no less deserving of our respect and regard than those who have fought with our enemies and carry their scars on their skin. And the only dishonour to be found is in our dismissal of them.'" She paused and asked, "Do you know who said that?"

Thykrill's face darkened, and she stared down at the floor.

Until T'Varik added, "I asked you a question, Cadet. Please enlighten the rest of the room as to the identity of this respected individual."

The Andorian swallowed. "Doctor... Shrevys Thykrill."

"Thykrill? Any relation?" she asked, clearly sounding as if she already knew the answer.

The girl nodded, almost shaking. "My... father, Commander."

"Yes, your father. You represent both your race and your family name in Starfleet. How do you believe he would react if he had heard what you just said about one of your fellow crewmates?"

"He- He- " Looking as if she wanted to crawl under her chair and hide, she turned towards Alpha Squad, not quite looking at them. "Please accept my... apologies for what I said about your - *our* crewmate. If the Commander will allow me the honour of remaining onboard, I swear you will not hear those shameful words from me again."

"I believe that will be an acceptable arrangement, Cadet. Sit down." As the Andorian gratefully complied, T'Varik proceeded. "Our recent adventures notwithstanding, this ship and this mission is considered quite ordinary. And yet, we share one trait with deep space explorers, inner system transports, frigates or border patrol vessels.

We are alone out here. And we must rely upon each other..."

*

Deck 1, Captain/Counselor's Quarters:

Hrelle leaned in over Kami's shoulder, feeling the tension radiate like heat from her as he peered at the PADD in her lap. "A three dimensional labyrinth?"

"Oh, far more complex than that: Jonas' brain." She pointed at one area. "Specifically, the damage caused by Aiken. He had some ability, but no training, and even less care about his victims. And if he wasn't dead from hyperzine abuse, I'd be opening his throat up right now."

He rested a hand on one of her shoulders. "Let it go, Beloved. Dr Ling repaired the damage?"

She nodded. "And the underlying natural imbalances that trigger episodes of anxiety and depression. The sort of thing that would have been detected and treated years ago if his mother hadn't raised him on the Frontier."

Now both of his hands moved to both of her shoulders, gently grappling with the knots of muscle that opposed him. "Not necessarily. There are more than a few right here in the heart of the Federation who have refused such treatments for their children, arguing that those same imbalances are what give us our individual personalities, and that eliminating them would just homogenise us all."

Kami grunted. "What crap. I'd rather have a cub who was boring than one who thought he was a worthless piece of shit. And yes, I know there are other factors involved, but... Oh Esek, I fucked up."

"Nonsense."

"No, it's true. I should have anticipated the scope of his problems, I should have convinced him to let T'Varik mind meld with him, I should have checked his personal log sooner, I should have gone to him directly rather than give him a warning-"

Hrelle stopped to take the PADD from her hand and set it aside, before coming around to kneel before her, adjusting the pleats of her civilian skirt before taking her hands in his own. "Sure, you should have done all those things. You should also examine all the personal logs of everyone onboard without their permission. And place monitor implants under everyone's skin. And cameras in their quarters. And have T'Varik force mind melds on everyone-"

"Alright, you made your point-"

"Not yet I haven't. Because you could do all those things and still someone can slip through, if they're that determined to do so. It's like you once told me: there are no Heisenberg Compensators in Psychology."

She frowned down at him. "I never said anything like that."

"No? Sounds like something you'd say."

"I don't even know what a Heisenberg Compensator is."

"It's an essential component of transporter technology. It works around the problems caused by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, allowing the transporter sensors to compensate for their inability to determine both the position and momentum of the target particles to the same degree of accuracy. This ensures the matter stream remains coherent during transport, and-"

He stopped as she tilted her head back and pretended to have fallen asleep. She even snored.

He continued regardless. "What I'm trying to tell you is that yours can never be an exact science, you can only do your best. And your best is pretty damn good."

But she continued to snore.

Until he put his head under her skirt.

Then she was purring...

*

Deck 2, Counselor's Office, Three Days Later:

Alpha Squad, minus Jonas but including former member Giles, sat with the expected mix of emotions on their faces and in their body language: anxiety, anger, confusion, concern, emotions Kami was prepared to deal with. "Jonas will be released and returned tonight. He has the implant to monitor his biosigns and location, but we're relying on you to keep an eye on him and not leave him unsupervised for too long."

She smiled. "This doesn't mean you have to stand over him while he's on the toilet. Just be available to him, encourage him to participate in group activities, to open up if he's ready, and maybe for you to tell him how you feel about what he's done."

Sitting opposite her, Neraxis, her arms folded across her ample chest and her blue face a darker shade of scowl, responded. "Oh yeah, I'll tell him, all right. I'll tell him what a selfish little asshole he is."

"You might want to phrase that better-"

"I don't think so," she threatened. "I think he's gonna get it full blast."

"It's understandable to feel that way, Neraxis. But you have to balance that with what will be helpful to Jonas."

"I don't give a shit! He didn't care about how his actions would affect us, you, his mother, the Captain or anyone else! Why should we care?"

"Because we *can*," Eydiir answered. "We have an objectivity that those under the influence of depression lack."

"It was never a question of his not caring, Friend Neraxis," Kit added, leaning forward, gripping the cane he was still using for support as he walked, a flash of discomfort crossing his features. "But his inability to look past his pain to find aid."

The Bolian looked around at them. "I can't believe you're all taking his side in this! He does this terrible, cowardly thing, and you're ready to forgive him?"

On her left side, Giles leaned in close. "Weren't you ready to kick Thykrill's bony blue ass back to Andor for saying something bad about him?"

"That's different! I'm his-" She stopped, looking at Kit again. "And *you*! He nearly killed you! And you're willing to forgive him?"

"Yes, Friend Neraxis."

"No! You can't do that!"

His expression and tone changed slightly, but in a way that somehow seemed to put everyone on edge. "Forgive me... but do not lecture me on how I treat my other friends."

"Counselor," Rrori began, sounding as if he was looking to defuse the growing tension in the room, "I am at an unaccustomed loss as to how to behave around Jonas on his return. I do not wish to say or do anything that might upset him or his recovery. Should we just treat him as if nothing has happened?"

"That's a good question, Rrori - and the answer to that is No. Not addressing what's troubling him has been part of the problem, what drove him to such desperate measures."

She looked at Neraxis again. "But you don't want to throw blame or guilt or anger at him, either. He has enough of that for himself already, I can promise you."

The Bolian scowled again. "Why are you targeting *me*?"

"Because you love him the most. You appointed yourself his Big Sister. And so you feel the most betrayed that he might want to take his own life - and the most guilt, that you never noticed the warning signs."

Neraxis started to retort, to argue - but it dissolved into a stream of dark blue-purple tears she couldn't halt, or wipe from her face quickly enough. She let Sasha put a comforting arm around her. "Fuck it! I should have known! I should have seen he was feeling this way!"

"You could not have, Friend Neraxis," Kit assured her, allowing her to compose herself once more. "It is an isolating, silencing disease, and not often are there warning signs, nor training to see those signs. No one in my family knew, or suspected, those times when I tried to take my own life, for instance."

The group went silent.

And somehow, even more so as Eydiir added, "Nor did mine."

Neraxis looked to the two of them in disbelief. "*You* guys? How? Why? I mean-"

Kit looked at Eydiir, who nodded in acquiescence for him to proceed. He did so, involuntarily clutching his wrists protectively. "I told you that I was born in a different gender to what I am now, Friend Neraxis. And that my homeworld's government treated people like me in re-education facilities, to teach us how wrong we were to feel different.

Given the option of submitting to their relentless propaganda and coercion and living a lie, or ending my pain... the latter seemed viable. That is, until Starfleet came to my world."

Eydiir set a hand on his arm. "I had an older brother, Straad. He was my world, my life. He taught me to fight, and to laugh, and I rode on his shoulders so I could touch the sky. I loved him so very much." Then her expression changed. "He caught a fever, a fever that would have been child's play to cure - had the Capellans not believed the sick should die.

Alone I tried to heal him... but my efforts were pitiful. He died, and they forgot about him because he dared to die a dishonourable death. But I did *not* forget, and I wanted to die, too, and tried, at my own hand, more than once. But obviously my efforts resulted in failure, since I am here, now - learning to fight to save the lives I can. No one will die now, if I can save them. Including myself."

Sasha stared at her friend as if for the first time. "I never knew. You always seemed so strong, so assured-"

"It can affect the strongest of us, at our most vulnerable moments," Kami told her sympathetically. "Even starship captains."

"What? My Dad, too?"

Kami nodded. "After his escape, but before he was reunited with you. He never wanted you to know how bad it had been for him... but he gave me permission tonight to talk about it, if I thought it would help. In fact, he, Kit and Eydiir meet occasionally to discuss their experiences and feelings... and Jonas will be joining them now.

Neraxis, you mustn't blame yourself. None of you must. Apart from everything else, it's a waste of time. What matters is what we can do to help Jonas now..."

*

Deck 2, Alpha Squad Quarters, Later:

Alpha Squad was silent as Kami entered, her arm around a hesitant Jonas. "I found this stray cub wandering the corridors whimpering outside of people's cabins. Anyone want to claim him?"