Surefoot 08: The Walking Wounded

Sasha smiled. "Yeah, he looks familiar. We should get him tagged."

Jonas held up his right hand, displaying the small dermal patch covering where the subcutaneous implant was placed. "Already taken care of."

"Yes," Kami agreed, smiling. "But bring him in tomorrow to get him neutered." As he reacted to that, she backed off. "I'm off duty now, but I'm always available if you need anything at all."

Rrori looked in her direction. "I could do with being tucked into bed tonight, Counselor."

She eyed him, sensing the good humour behind his words rather than a genuine attempt at flirtation, like he had done upon his arrival onboard. "I doubt if there's a shortage of volunteers for that, but if there is, I suggest you go tuck yourself. Good night."

As she left, the group looked to each other, or at the wall display, which offered the view from the bridge viewscreen.

"No, this isn't awkward in the least, is it?" Sasha joked, moving in to hug him. "Welcome back."

The others drew in as well, offering hugs or pats on the back... except for Neraxis and Kit. The Bolian stood in front of him, her feelings hidden - until she smacked the back of his head, before gripping him tightly. "Asshole."

Finally Jonas faced Kit, who hobbled closer on his cane, holding out his free arm. "Friend Jonas..."

But the boy shook his head in disbelief. "No... How can you even look at me?"

"It is not too difficult, you do not appear too unattractive for a mammal-"

"No!" the boy exclaimed, looking as if the stress of the past week had been building up, ready for this moment. "No, Kit! You can't! You can't just let me off the hook for what I did! You can't!"

Kit stared hard at him. "I'm not, Friend Jonas. For what you did, I will demand much of you in times to come. Much, I promise."

He drew closer, leaning on his cane fully now. "I will demand that you live. I will demand that you cherish the wonderful, blessed life you have now. I will demand that, should you forget this temporarily, that you will listen to your friends and believe them. I will demand that you pay attention to the Most Respected Counselor and use her wisdom. I will occasionally demand you use your spare replicator rations on honey-coated locusts for me.

I will also demand hugs - and do not think I forgotten you have left me bereft of one now-"

Jonas didn't leave him waiting.

Once the tension broke, Sasha looked around them. "Now what?"

Fortunately Rrori answered quickly. "Might I suggest cards?" He drew up to Jonas and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "At our last game of strip poker, our furless friend here left me naked - a delight for all of you of course, but a consternation for me.

And it occurred to me that when we arrive at Starbase 154 - if we ever do - and I visit their casino, I may meet a couple of women for whom my alluring good looks and impressive genitalia will not be sufficient-"

"Holy Hraxor, cork it already, we'll play!" Neraxis moved to set up the table as Eydiir went for the chairs.

"Sounds like fun," Sasha agreed, smiling. "But not strip poker, I'm terrible at cards and a lack of grooming means I'm starting to look a little Caitian below the waist. No offense, Rrori-" She turned at the door chime. "Enter."

Giles walked in, lugging a large crate of assorted bottles that clanked with each step. "Beware of Romulans bearing gifts." He set it down on an adjacent desk. "Here you go, compliments of the other squads: an assortment of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks."

Sasha stepped out of the way of the others setting up the table and chairs to kiss Giles. "Thanks, darling, that's nice of you to do this."

"I can't take the credit. It was Thykrill's idea."

Neraxis looked up suspiciously. "Hers?"

He nodded. "She went around collecting spare replicator rations, and made up the difference from her own savings."

Neraxis grunted. "Great, now I have to be nice to her. Thanks a freaking bunch."

"Or you can just thank her," Sasha suggested, looking to Giles. "Wanna join us?"

"Sure, just as soon as I go back for some snacks. Anyone have any requests?"

Kit was shuffling the deck as Neraxis helped herself to a Spican flame beer. "I am happy for most anything, Friend Giles - except roasted nuts. I have had enough of those recently."

Neraxis spat out the beer in her mouth. Kit chuckled to himself.

Jonas smiled. He didn't want to, didn't think he deserved it. But he did anyway.

*

Deck 1, Bridge:

T'Varik tapped the appropriate controls on the arm of the command chair upon which she sat. "First Officer to Captain Hrelle, please respond."

After a moment, the familiar grumbling Caitian voice filled the bridge. "What in the Seven Hells, T'Varik?"

"Is there a problem, Sir?"

Then Kami's voice joined in. "Ignore him, Commander, he was... busy."

The Vulcan took note of the snickering from members of Gamma Squad at their respective posts. "Forgive the interruption, Sir, but you did say you wanted to be informed when the autopilot on the Vulcan freighter was programmed and ready to be launched for Starbase 154."

"I did?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then I'm a fucking idiot."

The snickering on the bridge blossomed into laughter.

T'Varik remained formal, almost as a deliberate contrast. "Be that as it may, Sir, you *did* state-"

"Mother's Cubs... Thank you, Commander. Consider me informed. And out of contact for the next couple of hours. Same with the Counselor."

"As I suspected, Sir."

"Hrelle out."

The Vulcan allowed a few more seconds of laughter among the cadets before saying, "I believe that's quite enough." As everyone returned to their duties, she turned in her chair to the Ops Station behind her, where the Gamma Squad Leader, the Vulcan male Falok stood, wearing an enigmatic expression. "You remain amused by that exchange, Mr Falok?"

The young man reacted in his efforts to become more composed. T'Varik was aware of young Vulcans often relaxing their emotional control when away from their people and homeworld for lengthy periods of time, and she prefered to remind them of their obligations. "I have no amusement to display, Commander."

"No? Then perhaps it is condescension for your Captain? I recall your initial impression of your commanding officer was not positive."

He breathed in. "Permission to speak freely, Commander?"

She eyed him with a Vulcan measure of suspicion. "Granted."

"My initial impression of Captain Hrelle months ago had admittedly been less than complimentary. I saw him as indulgent to his stepdaughter and with a mercurial temperament and substandard intelligence.

My subsequent time on this vessel in his company has changed that impression consistently. He possesses an eclectic knowledge base, generates intense loyalty in both crew and cadets, and has been unfailingly generous with both time and advice, suggesting intriguing avenues of career progression I had not considered. I respect him tremendously.

So if you observed any emotion from me, it would be... satisfaction. Satisfaction that, given the adversity he has suffered in his life, he might have reclaimed some peace with his marriage to the Counselor. I believe he... deserves it."

T'Varik was prepared to admonish him for his admission of emotion.

Instead, she answered, "Agreed." and turned back in her chair.

*

Deck 2, Counselor's Office, Four Weeks Later:

"So, Jonas, tell me how you've been doing?" Kami shifted in her chair, smiling welcomingly at the cadet. "A month now. Aren't you pleased with your progress?"

"Yes, Counselor. Work and studies keep me busy. Chief Grev is a bit of a mother hen, which makes trips to the bathroom interesting." Jonas chuckled at his joke.

A little too forcefully, in Kami's estimation. "And Alpha Squad? And the other cadets?"

"We've had... some tense moments," he admitted hesitantly. "Not just in our group sessions. Sometimes when I'm around them it's like they're walking on eggshells, as my Mom used to say. I don't know why anyone would want to walk on eggshells. Have you heard that expression?"

"No. Let's talk about your mother. Have you written to her yet about what you did?"

Jonas swallowed. "It was... very difficult. I didn't want her blaming herself for anything. I tried to keep it as positive as I could."

That's One, she told herself. "And your sessions with Captain Hrelle and the other survivors. How are they?"

He blinked. "Not... what I thought they'd be. Sometimes we meet in the arboretum, tending the vegetable gardens. Sometimes he has us in the galley, cutting up actual food and cooking a meal for ourselves. It's very relaxed. And it's sort of comforting to hear how much alike he and Kit and Eydiir have felt. It makes me willing to speak about it, too."

That's Two, she told herself. "And there's been no recent anxiety attacks? Nothing to report? Good sleep?"

"No, everything has been fine." He smiled.

She set aside her PADD. That's Three... "Jonas, I'm recommending the current restrictions are extended for another four weeks."

His smile dropped. "Extended? B-But I said I was-"

"What you've said was shit. I usually give my patients one chance to talk shit to me. Sometimes two, if I'm feeling generous and talking to my husband. You've just given me three."

His face was reddening. "T-That's not- I mean-"

Kami raised one finger. "You said, or rather cleverly implied, that you wrote your mother about what you did; the message you ended up sending was as generic and as false as they come. And don't give me that smacked puppy dog look, young man, that I could dare think about reading your mail."

She raised a second finger to join the first. "Esek has filled me in on your progress in the Survivor Sessions - or rather, your lack of progress. You've listened to the others, yes, but you've barely touched on anything more than the surface feelings you've had."

Then there was the third finger. "And last night, your monitor recorded a period of heightened anxiety at 0135 Hours, along with some other interesting readings." She leaned back in her chair, arms folded across her chest. "I've been a Counselor longer than you've been alive, Jonas. I know all the tricks, and what I don't know, my senses tell the rest.

Now, I told you at the start of all this that we are all here to help you - but you also have to help yourself." She eyed him. "So, let's make some small progress today, shall we? So that maybe we can get you back on target? Tell me about last night. What were you doing that made you so anxious?"

He shifted, unable to meet her gaze, reddening more and more. "It- It wasn't anything, I swear-"

"One more denial and this ends, here and now." She modulated her tone, her apparent frustration and anger, knowing the best way to get a positive response from him. "Use the methods I taught you, to compartmentalise your embarrassment, as if you're really talking about someone else."

Jonas breathed in - and to her relief, he did appear to be doing as she suggested - before finally replying, "I couldn't sleep, and I knew I couldn't get up to go into the next room without alerting Rrori, so, I was... masturbating."

She nodded. "I know."

"You do?"

"Of course. Apart from all my qualifications, and the monitor readings I got from you, I'm the mother of a male cub your age." She smiled. "If the Federation Games had it as a sport he'd have won the Gold for Cait. But his arms would have been too tired to hold it up."

His chagrin was tinged with anger. "But if you already knew, why did you have to make me admit it?"

"Because of that very reason, Jonas. I respect your shyness regarding matters of sexuality, and while I don't expect you to walk into Engineering at the start of your shift and tell everyone about the amazing wank you had the night before, I *do* expect you to be open to me.

I'm a medical professional, and I promise that I will not condemn or criticise you in the slightest for doing something that I and nearly everyone else onboard does as well. I'm not here to embarrass you, Jonas." She relaxed her posture. "Why did it cause you such anxiety?"

He was gripping the arms of his chair, his lips pursing. "Because... I wasn't getting anywhere. I was panicking. Which probably made things worse."

"Yes," she agreed, more sympathetically. "In times of stress, your body goes out of phase. Sleep, appetite... and libido. It's perfectly natural."

He grimaced. "I had all these stupid thoughts beaming into my head, about how I would never function properly again and how I would die a virgin and no one would understand."

"The biosigns reported you *did* relax, though, eventually."

He looked at her now, a good sign. "Yes. Your calming techniques helped. I put aside the anxiety. I was relaxing." Now he smiled, though he still went russet again.

"What happened?"

"Well... I was almost there when, in the bunk below me, Neraxis let off a long, loud fart in her sleep."

Kami laughed.

Jonas joined her, eventually adding, "As you can imagine, it killed the mood for me. Then I started giggling to myself about how stupid it was, letting myself get worked up over it. And then Neraxis woke up and swore at me for making so much noise." He laughed some more, wiping his eyes and looking relieved. "I shouldn't find that funny."

"Yes, you should. In fact, laughing about it is a very healthy coping mechanism for stress. That's actually quite encouraging." She regarded him again. "Thank you for being honest with me, Jonas, and for trusting me.

Now tomorrow, when you meet with Esek and the others, the talk is all going to come from you. Because you can trust them as much as you trust me. Agreed?"

Jonas didn't look terribly convinced - but his affirmative response was genuine.

"Why do you seem so reluctant?"

He fidgeted. "Kit was the victim of his oppressive government. Eydiir lost her brother to a disease that could easily have been cured. And the Captain was tortured, enslaved, lost his wife, his crew. And me? I'm shy and insecure about being around people and what they think of me! That is a pathetic reason to want to die! How is that supposed to measure up as an excuse for suicide compared with their stories?"

"It isn't - because it isn't a competition. The Survivors will all tell you that the reasons don't matter, they all felt legitimate and reasonable to them at the time. But they really weren't. You're not meeting to compare the sizes of your misfortunes, but to offer support to each other in overcoming them. Remember: there are no Heisenberg Compensators in Psychology."

He blinked, impressed. "I never thought of it like that before. Did you come up with that?"

"Of course. Oh, and you'll write your mother, too."

His expression darkened again. "Why does she have to know now? It's over and done with."

Kami looked back. "But it's not, Jonas. It will never be over. There will always be this point in your life when you made a serious effort to end it. Even if you never have another self-destructive ideation again. You have to accept that."

"But why tell her now? Would you want your cub to tell you if he'd disappointed you like that?"

Kami stared at him hard before finally responding. "Jonas, I'll tell you what I would most definitely *not* want to hear: 'Dear Mrs Hrelle: it is with deep and profound regret that I must inform you of the untimely death of your son, who appears to have committed suicide. His reason for doing this remains undetermined at this time. His body is being shipped to you now for your preferred method of disposal'. I laid a husband to rest. I can't bear to think about doing the same for a child. No parent could."

He was crying now. But she continued, pressing home her point. "She will not be disappointed. She'll feel many emotions over this, just like you and everyone else who loves and cares for you has. She has a right to do so. But in the end, all she'll care about is that her child is still alive to tell her this himself..."

*

Excerpt - Personal Message From: Cadet Jonas Ostrow, USS Surefoot To: Helga Ostrow, Owner/Manager, Ostrow Salvage, Hyralin Sector Stardate: 34601.12

...and they took the implant out, which I guess is as good sign that they don't think I'm in any more immediate risk of harming myself. I didn't think I was... but I know I can't always trust my own judgement as to what's best.

I've opened up in the Survivor Sessions. Once I got past the fear that I'd be judged, it came easily. And, as Kami promised, I was met with support. They keep an eye on me still - not as a patient, but a crewmate. And a friend.

I can't begin to imagine how this is affecting you, Mom. I don't want you thinking that you did or didn't do something to get me this way. It was down to me. Remember what you once told me when I first started repairing things? 'The first step in fixing any machine is knowing something is wrong with it'. Well, I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn't go to anyone for help. I still feel angry, anxious, frustrated, annoyed - that's okay, I'm told, it doesn't make me a bad person. Just a person.

But sometimes, it still overwhelms me. Not necessarily the fears and the doubts about myself, but the guilt. The thought of how you and everyone here would have had to cope with me being gone. I can feel the panic rising in me now just thinking about it, thinking about the rest of my life and how I have to face it, knowing what I almost did.

But Kami taught me something. She taught me that I don't have to worry about the rest of my life, or the rest of the year, or the month, or even the rest of the day. Just the next sixty seconds. The minutes only come one at a time, like beads on a string or pulses along a transtator circuit. Just take this minute and do what needs to be done, whether it's work or an exam or this letter to you - or asking Rina Chaudri out on a holodeck date - and know that, if I can handle this minute, I can handle the next one. And the next.

I also have something called a Survival Kit. It's a collection of items put together by my friends and I that I can turn to if I need reminding of better things than the thoughts creeping back into my head. I've got inspirational quotes, spiritual and good luck symbols, bits of music on a player, videos of an ancient Terran trio of clowns called The Three Stooges that Neraxis likes - and I've even added some old videos from when you and I had gone to Ghadira and went river rafting. Remember?

But maybe the stuff that really gets to me are the pictures Captain Hrelle donated, pictures of the Malurian children I helped discover and rescue, now back with their families. And I know that if I had done anything about killing myself before then, they wouldn't be alive today.

And if Captain Hrelle and my friends had listened to *their* voices, I'd never have known them, and all the good that they've done since then would never have happened.

Whenever I heard the expression 'Sometimes the Universe Has Other Plans', I always took it to mean that bad things can come around the corner at you when you least expect it. But good things can come, too. But you'll never know it unless you're around to see it for yourself.

I'm... not better. Not yet. But I will get better. Knowing that, and believing that, is a victory in itself.

Love,

Jonas

THE ADVENTURES OF THE SUREFOOT WILL CONTINUE IN... RISING STAR