All Comments on 'Surprise Arousal Ch. 01'

There is absolutely nothing here to want me to come back to read more. Don't be in such a hurry just to see something in print. Take your time. A first chapter should be a minimum of 2 pages but 3 or 4 is even better.

Put some conflict in it. Leave the reader wondering what's going to happen next so he wants to come back to the story. And, don't go too long between chapters. I always write the entire story first then submit them one day apart so the readers only have to wait a day. Even at that you lose a lot of readers between chapters 1 and 3.

EloquentWizard is man out of time (machine).

i can predict whats gonna happen, hes going to fantasize about her while fapping, and ,maybe when fucking his wife whenever he gets some. if ever. his desire for her will grow to the point where he would want to cheat, but being the loving husband he will resist the urges. the same thing will happen to the wife. unless it hasnt already happened. temptation comes and she breaks. he finds out, there is some conflict between the two spouses. he leaves her, he goes to fuck the girl in the elevator

Let's see where this is going...By the introduction, it's not very promising...2* for now

No loving wife,No sex, a cheating husband.Whats wrong here??

Highly ambiguous (good!) and it could go any where from here.

As others have noted, it seems as though you were in a rush to publish this first chapter. Because of that, you didn't really give us much of a story so far, and therefore little incentive to return for Chapter Two. So far, we know nothing about the narrator except that he's always horny, and we know nothing about his wife except that she's a busy neurosurgeon.

I think I know what happened here. You probably wrote eight pages in a Word document and assumed it would be a lengthy first chapter on Lit. You probably have your entire story written in your head, with fully-developed characters, but you assume the readers know your characters and story as well as you do.

Slow. Down.

Tell us who these people are and what makes them tick. Then tell us what happens to them in real time. Let the story unfold naturally. Write your entire story and only break it up into chapters if it's absolutely necessary. (In other words, if it's 30-40 pages in Word.)

That's my advice, and like your story it's free of charge. Congrats on your first submission. You've already contributed more than Kimmi.

Weelllllllllllllllllllll. Looks like we are in for a ride here folks. Frustrated hubby + HOT neighbor + neurosurgeon wife who gets "called away" in the early morning for "emergencies"? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Me thinks this plot will thicken. Fasten your seatbelts & get out the lube.

"erection cock" :)

Not good. No excuse for this badly written story, especially since there are editors available to any would be writer on this site. Take free advice given in this category with a grain of salt. Remember this category has too many readers with an agenda that take pride in bashing others.

good story and a good start, please add more

Its a good start. Next time post after at least one sex scene.

SJ, your obsession with Kimi is even worse than mine.

Lue

I felt like you didn't set the stage well enough. Who are these people? Surgeons have schedules. How long have they been married. What do they look like? Where are they living? Too many unanswered questions. Do a better job on the setup before you introduce some hanky panky.

Your story makes sense, so I like it. Since you ask for feedback: the wording seems a little stiff. Typical street language reads easier, as in " I'm Amanda" rather than " I am Amanda" ~ or " I'm Andre" rather than " I am Andre." If your mood is relaxed, your writing should be relaxed.

I think only the Butler can remain constantly formal. Yes, I know: there's no butler in this story . . . . yet.

I'm sure something happened after this part of the story; so I hope you'll tell us.

More, you started off nicely. Xoxoxoxox Annette

There were several errors that an editor might have corrected. The errors were distracting and made for a choppy narrative because the reader has to stop to try to figure out what should have been written. Gave you a 3. You have potential, but you need advice from an editor to eliminate the obvious errors and guide you to a more cogent story.

(minus the kimmi part.)

There's not much here to make us want to return.

Yes folks, I was in a hurry to submit this. I will form more of a story for the next chapter. I mainly wanted to get a feel for the field and get some critiques. Thank you for the comments. Appreciate the feedback. :)

So after you tell us your story I will tell you what I think of your story, and rate it accordingly. Deal? OK, I'm ready whenever you are. And thanks in advance, for the effort.

Don't be put off by comments critical of your great start. It did feel a bit slow to start and then interrupted just as the potential was building. I look forward to the next bit.

This might have been a good story, but author disappeared.