All Comments on 'Sweet Revenge'

I loved this story.

Not only is the concept tasteless in the extreme after the Rutgers suicide incident, but the writing is terrible. A first-person story that suddenly tosses in a third person PoV scene? That's TERRIBLE structure. As for the dialog... the less said, the better. Seriously, say less.

A failure on all levels.

It's not confusing, but it kills the flow when the point-of-view keeps changing. I'm not anti-"filming my roommate" (although I see the point re: Rutgers) in this story, but it just doesn't jive. It's not very believable -- a video camera lens wouldn't fog up when you stick it in the shower?

...and represents the first time I've seen named responders tougher on an author than anons. makes me think that author needs to take this germ of an Idea and work it out better, with a backdrop plot and character development to have a complete story. Unless you just want to write stroke stories. In which case follow Bakeboss, he's the king of quick humiliation. Thanks for your efforts anyway.

Hey, I think you should add the word "bitch" some more, not quite enough for my liking. >.>

Simply awful

Just for your information, most virginal of dudes, women usually don't fist themselves if they're just trying to get off, there are better ways of handling the clit than pinching it, and if you're 'scrapping' a pussy, I imagine you as a mormon housewife cat-farmer armed with scissors and glue.

You have the makings of a good story here. Try reading it out loud to yourself, or have someone read it aloud to you. The dialogue tends to get disjointed, it doesn't flow naturally. This also applies to the action scenes. Be courageous and expand on the scenes you hint at.

She'll get the message

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... was all that swearing really necessary... pathetic

The swearing got to you.. You must be a christian. Pathetic.

Firstly, no - I do not believe in your invisible friend, or anybody else's. I actually believe in reading fiction that is vaguely believable, and this story just came across as part of the 'sling in a swear word for want of a plot' school of writing.

Do you have an internal dialogue that matches what these characters say, in their minds, apparently, to themselves? These girls came across as having difficulty stringing a sentence together coherently, let alone without using foul language, yet they are supposedly attending some sort of place of further education - yes, I realise this is fiction but the fantasy element is just too far fetched.

On the other hand, most of the spelling and punctuation seemed to be in the right place. Just a shame that my own internal dialogue wanted to read the story as though every character and the narrative were being shouted.

If this is your idea of erotic fiction then maybe you should stick to the three panel funnies...

Is this what you call an erotic story? If someone was to look up the definition of cringe this story would be there. If you are writing something... please for the sake of your few readers make it believable at the very least.

Sometimes you have to be devious with our friends and roommates to get the point across that what we love is something we want to share with each other.I would hope that you would continue this story.

what anonymous said. this shit is weird and so cringey. what’s up with all the curse words?

2011. Sounds about right. The fruition of "inclusive brainwashing" uh I mean "inclusive culture" begins to militarize uh I mean materialize.