All Comments on 'Tales of Me and My Wife Ch. 01'

THIS IS A WRITING CRITIQUE: to help the writer become a better writer. It is not a content or theme comment.

The story is ok. At least we are seeing a real loving wife here and that is a good start. But you need to either take a writing course or re-read your submission. Since you use "whilst" as opposed to "while" I assume you aren't American. In any event, by convention sperm is called "cum" not "come" in order to distinguish it from the verb.

Never imbed dialogue more than one sentence into a paragraph. Any more that and the reader just skips by it and your wonderful words are lost.

KNOCK OFF THE METAPHORS! Damn I hate when people mis-use them! METAPHOR: a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money)

You used this one: "her orgasms are to mine what a smooth trip of acid is to a hit of rock cocaine." Now, I don't know about the rest of the folks here, but I have no fucking idea what that means other than to tell us, the reader, that you, the author, is a drug user. Was that what you meant to say?

Keeping writing but may I make a suggeston? When you finish a story put it away for at least a week. Then take out and edit it. Then you can think about posting it, OK?

Regards,

C

John your story is just fine. That's not to say it's perfect but after all, if the Reviewers accepted it, who are we to lambast it. Forgive, Mr. Chagrin, John, he's on a roll determined to trash as many stories as possible. Such a shame. But I guess a guy who's written nothing since 8-05 he's maybe a little frustrated.

You were doing fine until you wrote "she lied in bed". What, pray tell, was the fabrication?

It's not bad for a stroke story. Keep writing, it's the best way to improve.

I have written a good many things. I just write for publication and PAY. Free sites are great but only as a place to learn and get feedback or a place for those who like to write but not professionally.

Since I don't write erotica (the last refuge of the literally challenged) why would I post it, rather than sell it?

You nothing about me or my bona fides. If you would like I could send you of to read some of my work but you would have to actually BUY soemthing and I doubt you would appreciate it.

And BTW, other than a disagreement with Danielle over the use of 'come', eveery point I made was valid. You evidenced that by attacking ME and not the critique.

So thanks for the endorsement, MR. Chickenshit Anonymous. :-)

Cheers,

C

'JohnT15':

I don't know what burr that other guy had up his ass in regards to 'Chagrined's' critique, but I thought it was an honest attempt to give a fleding writer some sound and astute advice. The author here would be wise to consider it.

Thanks for sharing. I love the detail level. But I believe this belongs under 'romance' and not 'loving wives'. However, since this is only chapter one, maybe your story will take some better turns. I anticipate all the sticky details of the next suppliment.

First off, I loved the story very nice detail and very good kink use.

I thought that the time before a period was the best time (ovulation) for a women to get pregnant. Am I wrong or is it fine if its only hours before it and not days? I know there is no "safe" time to have unprotected sex but I've always been fascinated with female anatomy.