All Comments on 'The Anniversary'

Some suggestions:

"torques in color"- I guess you mean 'turquoise'

"Looking at you laying naked on the bed, candles where lite" - 'Looking at you LYING naked on the bed, candles where LIT.'

"I want to the see how much you really wanted me to keep going." - 'I want to the see how much you really WANT me to keep going.'

That's just a few, I could go through the whole story with examples, but I won't, but thank you for writing a real loving wife story, not cheating sluts here.

Change the spelling and grammer and you have a good start. Get someone that is ok with editing and it helps too. Samsiewamsie

...and the use of second-person narrative, which rarely works. However, on balance, it was intense, had a definite sense of passion and desire, and indicated a couple very much in love. Whatever the other aspects of their marriage/relationship, they have a very real love for each other and it comes out strongly in this tale. Well done.

In the first place, "I" am man and and "YOU" will never see me lying naked on your bed. 2nd person is for instruction booklets; when are people going to learn that. If you must write in 2nd. person then put it in the form of a letter, but trying to draw the reader into the story by including him/her never, ever, never works!

In the second place, this has so many misspelled and misused words it's unbelievable. You must have Huedogg as an editor.

I see by your score, a lot of people have marked this up out of pity. Sorry, but I am not one of them. I hate lazy writers. You get 1 from me.

Well I appreciate all of the feedback from everyone. This is my first story that I've actually put out there somewhere. I love to know what you all think, feel, and see what all I need to improve on in my stories. I have noticed from a lot of comments that my grammar is my down fall but that's why I want comments so I can fix this problems for my new stories. Thank you all sooooo very much it really does mean a lot to me.

Nice to read a true loving husband and wife story. It should have its own section away from all the cheating loving wife story. All stories are good but loving wife section is confusing to a new reader on the site. Cheating or cuck stories are also good but most wouldn't think them to be loving wife stories.

This was more of a sex scene than a story. A story has a plot, character development, conflict, resolution, etc.. This was a perfectly fine description of sex between a husband and wife. It's fine, but rather boring.

As for the writing, please avoid the second person perspective. Referring to the reader as "you" works perfectly fine as long as you are writing this story for your husband. For the rest of us, it's off-putting, and drags us right out of the story.

There were some other small grammatical errors, but I've seen worse. Overall, the writing is good. It's the topic that is the biggest problem for me. Reading about a husband and wife having sex in their bed on their anniversary is like reading about a man getting on a train to go to work in the morning. Not every story needs to be about wild orgies, strap-on dildos, whips and chains, but it needs to be interesting in some way to hold the reader's attention.

yes, but. In the first paragraph were six substantial errors. A joke, perhaps would be explained in the next para. But no, it went on and on. I believe your voice-to-text programme needs a lot of work. There are so many homophonic errors, no way could a person make so many consistent errors. It takes a machine to do that much damage.

The six errors marked with * ..... Tonight was our *5th anniversary, I stepped out of the bathroom and stood in the *door way. Wearing nothing but *laced up boy shorts *torques in color, *lean against the door frame. Looking at you *laying naked on the bed, candles *where *lite. Your body glistened in the flickering light. Eight Total, Six Substantial errors in the opening paragraph.

This story can be resumed to: ""Baby I love you so much. You are the only one for me, and that will never change. You have my heart always and forever." ...Why it loose some interest? Because she is describing what happened to the person that was there with her and knew first hand what has happened...

Nice expression of love by a married couple on their anniversary.

but you almost lost me with

"candles where lite."

"Stopping just above your naval, I look back at you. I want to the see . . . "

was that suppose to be I went to the sea?

"You start to trust with your hips . . ."

and so many more, leading up to my favorite

"you smile are me"

huh?

who confuses second person for first person. SECOND PERSON you is distracting and annoying. YOU YOU YOU> is not "I looked at her with love and said, 'You are my one and only.'" Please save us all and learn the difference.

The author has, as requested in her biblio, received a bunch of excellent advice.

It was also in several comments, but not very explicit. Look at LIT's description of their categories. LW IS (despite one ANON's thanks) actually really about cheating sluts (AKA adventurous married women). ROMANCE would be the more appropriate category (unless Hubby was the guy hiding in the closet watching a 'real' man pleasure Sweetie!)

I was not there. You are talking to your lover not me. And unless your lover is a retard, then he already knows everything you are writing about which means you're the retard for harping on about something he already knows. Give second person a big miss if you want to put a story up here and not have it torn to pieces

As someone else pointed out these kind of stories would be better in the romance or erotic couplings section. LW is for "Married extra-marital fun: swinging, sharing & more." This story hardly fits.

People enjoy (or like to flame) the tension that the LW stories provide. I (personally) find these kind of loving stories boring.

As others have noted lots of mistakes in spelling and word usage.

But I never understood the category police,who get all upset because sonething in their opinion doesn't belong here or there,get all pissy.This is an online fiction site,and if something doesn't fit,isn't going to cause ISIS to take over the world,actually people in ISIS or fundamemtalist Christians seem equally obsessed with triviality.

A cute first attempt,and yes the grammar and form need work (grammar check in word or another program might help),an editor can help thete too.The other think.is this reads more like a letter describing sex than the sex itself,it needs more detail setting this up.For example,maybe it would start with 'i had had a rotten day at the office,and thought that even our anniversary would be made victim to the beast that was corporate stupidity....five steps inside the door,that was quickly dispelled,whether it was the champagne in the ice bucket,or my love wearing nothing but a satin ribbon saying 'yours forever',or the tight boy shorts made even sexier by the impossible heels she wore,didn't matter,whatever it was worked.My coat dropped off as my pants tightened,and soon I knew it would be takeoff time to our future.

But I never understood the category police,who get all upset because sonething in their opinion doesn't belong here or there,get all pissy.This is an online fiction site,and if something doesn't fit,isn't going to cause ISIS to take over the world,actually people in ISIS or fundamemtalist Christians seem equally obsessed with triviality.

A cute first attempt,and yes the grammar and form need work (grammar check in word or another program might help),an editor can help thete too.The other think.is this reads more like a letter describing sex than the sex itself,it needs more detail setting this up.For example,maybe it would start with 'i had had a rotten day at the office,and thought that even our anniversary would be made victim to the beast that was corporate stupidity....five steps inside the door,that was quickly dispelled,whether it was the champagne in the ice bucket,or my love wearing nothing but a satin ribbon saying 'yours forever',or the tight boy shorts made even sexier by the impossible heels she wore,didn't matter,whatever it was worked.My coat dropped off as my pants tightened,and soon I knew it would be takeoff time to our future.

Agree with previous comment, a loving wife behaving in a very loving way, of course it's in the loving wives category. Not bad effort.

Horse Hockey!!

A loving wife does not participate in "extra marital fun". Maybe a trollop or a worthless cunt, not a loving wife. Fiction or not.

Hot sex for the Fifth Anniversary they might burn the house down on number ten!! Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for submitting it.

Agree with most that grammar problems take a lot away from your story. Editors are available from the site. Loving Wives category is about cheating wives based on the site's own description. But I think this is OK.

isnt this a bad movie on LIFETIME channel

The description I posted is the description of stories that are supposed to be in the LW section as determined by Literotica. The term "Loving Wife" has NOTHING TO DO with Loving Wives or as someone else said they're just busy (usually) lovin someone else!

If you spent 5 minutes reading through the site and looking at the category DESCRIPTIONS you'd be aware of this instead of playing verbal horse hockey yourself.

The reason for the category police is simple. I've seen authors submit stories multiple times under different names and categories that have nothing to do with that category. A typical example is a story that is virtually M/M action and the only common element of the story with the LW section is there is a wife somewhere in the story. I don't come to Literotica to read M/M stories and seriously resent them being posted where they're not wanted.

If authors behave badly it's the reader's right to call them on it!

Whew !!

I need some water. I'm a little dehydrated after all that !! HA, ha...

AMerryMan

Nice to see loving wife/husband story.

Get help with spelling, right words & grammar.

Gave it 5 stars.

First of all, your foreign right? This many typos and grammatical mistakes has to mean you not a us native