All Comments on 'The Death of Innocence Ch. 04'

So one is a dog and the other will be a pony girl. These are coming at a pace which suggests you already have it all written. I don't know if there is any use to us continuing to ask from more context, more explanation about this world. Will just repeat that it would be a stronger story with a fuller picture beyond the events happening directly to the girls.

I went back and read every chapter from chapter 1. Some of it makes no sense. Laura gets paraded through the streets naked and no one stops them? No police? And she just goes along with it? You added no context around why these two girls were "chosen" by Alexis. Is she just randomly cruel or is she settling an old "debt"? What is the background? Why would their parents just accept the money? No amount of money would persuade me to part with my children or sell them into that kind of cruelty. I'd kill the person and suffer the consequences before I'd allow that. Is there a story here? Why are these 2 girls being tortured like this for no reason? This has the potential to be a good (if a little twisted) story, but without background, it is just a random collection of examples of cruelty visited on 2 young girls by a sick, twisted, sadistic and perverted person who should be locked up.

You will have to excuse my lack of context, I have more experience with things such as role play (which inspired me to start writing) I've hit a wall lately with the writing, I started on part 5 but went nowhere. If it helps I could write up a piece not part of the actual story which explains the context.

I never tried too hard in the english classes in school, the type of writing they made us do was boring. This is the first story I've ever shared publicly. I appreciate the feedback. As I said, I am used to situations in which both people understand what is happening, and wrote it out more like a role play than an actual story.

On account of a lot of unanswered questions.

The city within which Laura exists is a metropolis like sprawling city, it essentially is a self contained world within the united states, It is owned almost completely by the Corporations headed by the woman Alexis. They rule the city like gods from on high in their sky scraper, The people who live within the city either do not know or do not care. Nobody ever steps in to prevent the treatment of Laura because if they were to step in they would be arrested, They know this because examples had been made out of others who interfered with Alexis's business. The police force itself is corrupt and runs off of Alexis's funds. I apologize again for not displaying this within the story itself, but I've never tried writing before.

I had honestly never thought so hard about the interaction with the family... I had always considered Alexis to simply pick girls at random, her dogs never lasted though, I have yet to consider why although most would have tried to get out one too many times and been shipped off to Alexis's various friends in high places. When the family found out Laura had been chosen, they objected and annoyed Alexis, and so she decided on settling it with them once and for all.

I'm guessing the dogs and ponies are euthanized at age 25? 30? Or, by the time they lose the elasticity of youth they're so far gone mentally there's an asylum where they're fed, watered and warehoused in cages until they succumb to pneumonia on their own?

You have no context, no environment - and really nothing but a snuff story. Maybe you could add that to your warnings in the frontispiece. I'll take your advice and let myself out.

So this is something that Alexis does regularly? Okay. But, yes you definitely need to write all of that context into the story; as it is, you are losing readers because you omitted it. Suggestion: read the submissions of His Pet 21, Titania123, or JennyB2492, get an idea of what I am recommending to you. These authors write stories that are rich in background and context so they build a world and a story in that world and don't leave the reader hanging wondering if this is a story or a collection of perverted scenarios. This is Literotica! You can make it as outlandish and raunchy as you want, as long as you weave it into a coherent story. Two more points: Please write the story to completion (no one likes to be left hanging) and try to turn the story in a direction that results in some sort of happy ending for Laura and Rebecca. Readers like a happy ending, especially when the story is about an innocent (like Laura and Rebecca). People don't comprehend pointless cruelty, it makes them feel badly, so it turns them off and they stop reading. I assume you want people to read what you've written, otherwise you wouldn't write.

I'm not trying to be negative...but I don't know if I'll continue to read this series or not. By chapter 4 we should already know more about why this is acceptable in public. What about the readers who don't read the comments...they would never know. I know there are plenty of stories that do not have sex in the first few chapters, so don't take this the wrong way (I happen to really like those stories), but this just seems cruel without a reason.

Just my opinion.

Why have identical twins broken up? Have Alexis change her mind and decide to turn biscuit (Laura) into a pony as well (maybe on suggestion by Rebecca, or after seeing them together). Biscuit can be a name for a dog or a pony. Then she would have a matched set of pony girls to pull her pony cart around town. She'd be the envy of all or her friends!

Honestly, a lot of the feedback was rather negative, or just unnecessary. Some of it was helpful. I am honestly unsure if it is worth continuing. To put it frankly, not every role player is a fantastic writer, even if they like to think they are.

Should I continue writing I may just start fresh, revise the whole story from chapter 1 up. I also understand my sadistic outlook is not for everyone, but there is no need to broadcast your distaste.

Like I said before...I wasn't trying to be negative...I was just being honest. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there. My opinion is don't give up. You can always edit what you have and maybe combine chapters while adding a little more of the backstory. This would give you longer chapters, answer some questions, and give a little reason to the craziness that is Alexis. But at the end of the day it is your story...do what YOU want with it. If you like it the way it is and you like the direction it is going...then keep at it.

Don't give up! Many, many writers have a rocky start! If you haven't much background putting things to paper, then it can be even more difficult. You do have story telling abilities and interesting ideas. If you didn't then no one would care enough to ask for more from you and the story. LOTS of stories are sent out into the world by hopeful authors only to be greeted by empty echoes and chirping crickets. You have captured our attention. :)

I had commented that I thought perhaps you had already completed the story by the fast rate chapters are coming out. If not, you could weave more detail into other chapters through dialogue, character thoughts or descriptions attached to current events. You could also write an independent chapter that could serve as a prologue/set up. Recently jennyb2492 did that for her Finding Home: Odyssey.

That vast majority of the comments I've seen aren't intended as negative. They are engaged readers asking for clarification/details. Use what they are saying as a guide to learn what helps readers appreciate and understand your story more.

Press on or tweak what you have...just don't quit. :)

This is short b/c it's from my phone... But please don't stop. Pause, maybe...I did that... Write a bit of background and include it in a revision or take the easy way out like I did and write a short story with the background...but take the good advice and toss the rest out the windows. If the anonymous comments get too awful, turn them off for a little while.... Apologies to anons who have good things to say. The second story I posted is turning out to be quite different than what I originally wrote, because I learned from the first story. You will too. I almost gave up...glad I didn't... Please keep going!

Some of us kinda like sadistic and raunchy.... Not gonna name names though... 😈

I think I am going to pause for awhile. Revise what I have, expand upon it. The reason the chapters came out fast is because I had those 4 completed, and had to resubmit them, so they all came out on the same day.I will perhaps release a revised version when I write up rebecca's tale. Which frankly, given the way my mind has been, I want to write about pony girls. Bored with puppies for now.

Going back to those boring English classes....who, what, when, where and often the most important WHY. Without some kind of 'why' the rest may be meaningless. Why can be a long, complicated world building or simply 'I'm a rich sadist fuck who can, so I do."

Best to you and we'll be waiting...

I agree with you. Ponies are much more interesting (and fun) than puppies. and I'm sure Alexis will be able to think of creative things she can do with them. Do some research Lots of stuff on Pony girls out there! Sir Jeff's Pony girls (http://sirjeff.mirrors.bdsm.cz/index.html) is a good website. There are also several good pony girl stories on Literotica! I hope you consider my suggestion for Biscuit. I also hope things get better for the girls (Biscuit and Rebecca). I see Jenyb2492 is reading your stuff. Her stories are great! Keep writing!

Okay so I took, a fairly large break. Worked some on a non erotic fiction based within a game universe. I spent a rather large chunk of time on sir jeffs website. As I usually do. I was drawn to one particular story, over and over again. The racing of Jayne I believe it was called.

Im thinking it is about time to Cull the Laura story for the time being and work on the pony story.

The general difference will be better context, as the story will pick up before Laura was kidnapped, explaining a bit about her Rebecca and the family history, the complexities of the universe they live in etc.

Not all of it shall be pronz, but then... the best erotic writing always has a lovely story.

I think you should continue with the layra story as there aren't many pup play stories and there are millions of pony play stories! This story is of extremely high quality and I would love to see it continued!