The Exhibitionist Ch. 01-08

"So what is it that you're trying to accomplish?" she asked. "You're beating yourself up about it and at the same time, you're saying you can't do it now."

"Silly, isn't it?" I asked. "So why is it bothering me?".

"Just because you can't," she said. "You still want to."

"I suppose," I said. "Have you ever thought about bondage?"

"I've done it," she said. "What about it?"

"Just curious about how it feels," I said.

"You have to experience it for yourself," she said, "but I enjoy it with Troy in control. So where are you going with this?"

"Nowhere, really, not yet anyway."

"Did something happen last night to get you all sexed up like this?" she asked.

"You might say that," I said.

"So are you going to tell me about it or just tease me?"

"Oh my god, Lexi," I said, "I was watching the site with Tim when I noticed he had a monster hard on. I stripped naked and jumped his bones and we both came hard. He still had a hard on so I took him to bed and fucked him silly for over an hour but he couldn't come again."

"That sounds like heaven to me," she said.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" I asked. "I got all the sex I could stand and I still felt like I failed him."

"Honey, you didn't fail him. He's just watched that shit for so long and jerked off to it so often that he can't come without it. Take your sex and let him worry about it."

"The problem is that I get so hot watching it that I'm wearing my toys and fingers out."

"Then stop watching them so much," she said. "Is there one that bothers you more than the others?"

"Not really," I said. "Maybe the lesbian bondage sight simply because the orgasms are almost tortuous and exhausting. Tim really blows his nuts on that one."

"I think there are two separate issues at work here, Cindy," she said.

"What the hell are you talking about" I asked.

"Before I answer that, be sure you really want to know because you may not agree with me and you might be sorry you asked."

"Oh for god's sake, Lexi," I said, "spit it out or stop chewing with your mouth open. You're not making any sense."

She got up and came around to sit next to me, taking my hands in hers. "Cindy, listen to me," she said. "There are things that I have accepted about myself that you haven't and may not be able to."

"You know," I said, "the more you talk the less sense you make."

"I'm trying to be delicate and careful about what I say and how say it," she said.

"Just spit it out before you get indigestion," I said. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

I wasn't at all sure I wanted to face the truth according to Lexi but she wasn't going to leave It lie and neither was I.

" Can you promise me you won't get mad at me?"

"I guess," I said. "I can always leave the room if I think you've lost your freaking mind."

"It's up to you, Cindy," she said. "It doesn't matter to me either way but if you see for yourself why you're bothered by the videos, other than the fact that they make you horny, you can either enjoy them more or refuse to watch certain ones."

"Okay, the truth is," I said, "that I'm not sure I can trust myself to know," I said.

"What? You can't trust yourself around me?" Since when?"

"Since we saw that fucking web site," I said. "Never mind. I just have to stop Looking at it and forget the whole freaking thing. It's just not worth it,"

She stood and came around the table to work her fingers into my shoulders.

"That's not the answer honey, and we both know it." she said,

"Let's try something," she said, as she continued her massage. "When you watch the video we both liked, what is it that bothers you the most about it?"

"Everything," I said.

"Now close your eyes and imagine that you are watching it. What is happening?"

"The guy is using a cane on her," I said. "She's crying and he isn't stopping. He just moves from one part of her body to another, leaving red streaks over her whole body."

"Keep watching," she said. "He's done with the cane, so what's he doing now?"

"He's fucking her from behind," I said. "God, he's hammering her."

"Is she coming?"

"Yes, but he still keeps fucking her. Now he's using that vibrator on her and she's screaming to make him stop because she can't control the orgasms."

"Are they intense?" she asked.

"Oh my god yes," I said. "She's crying and coming again."

"Okay, that's enough," she said. "Now let's try the lesbian one. What is the one thing that you notice about the scene?"

"The expressions on her face," I said. "The pain from the nipple clamps and clit clamps, the fear and pain from the cane and the crop."

"What else?" she asked.

"The orgasms. She's fucked everywhere and then she's restrained while that big black vibe makes her come and come and keep coming until she can't speak.

"Okay, take a few deep breaths and relax," she said. "I'll get us something to drink."

Chapter 6

"Okay," she said, after I'd had a few sips of the sports drink she brought me. "Tell me about the guy in the first video."

"He's big, probably a body builder, dark hair and he's wearing black exercise pants."

"What color are his eyes? She asked.

"Hell I don't know," I said. "I wasn't looking at his eyes."

"Was his cock hard?" she asked.

"Probably, I don't know," I said.

"Now describe the girl," she said.

"Young, beautiful, clean shaven with a swollen clit. Probably 38D or bigger, large aureola, very erect dark brown nipples."

Okay," she said, "now, let's think about the lesbian one. Describe one of the women."

"Well, the victim, I guess I'll call her, is young, maybe early to mid twenties with long dark hair that's in a ponytail. It's hard to describe her eyes because of the strain she's under. They're probably sky blue but right now they're almost black because of the passion of the situation. She's not very tall, maybe five-five or six, slender, with a nice hard ass and her tits are either a very full B or C but I couldn't tell you how big they are because of the bondage she's in. I can't tell from this particular pose, but I do know she either shaves or is waxed completely."

"Okay, now the other one," she said.

"Tall, dark hair tied back, brown eyes, slender, definitely a C cup with some of the longest nipples I've seen for a while. She's bare too, with a well defined, hard ass, and long legs."

"Okay, you can open your eyes now. Thinking back to the video itself, what is there about this video that would make you watch it again and again?"

"It's a powerful video," I said. "with some of the strongest, loudest orgasms I've ever watched or heard. God, that poor girl was twisting and shaking and vibrating like a harp string. I could almost feel every pain she felt, every stressful orgasmic delay, and every release."

" Now think back to when we saw that first video on our computer. What did you do after you got home?"

"I couldn't do anything that night because Tim was on his way home but the next day I spent nearly six hours watching it."

"Why?" she asked. "Was it the bondage or the nudity?"

"I think it was either directly or indirectly the bondage and the orgasms that could be brought on because the women couldn't get away from the toys or devices they used on them. I don't think I really want to be tied up that tight but I don't know. I think it might be awesome to be tied up and controlled but not in those kinds of bondage."

"Do you realize that you've answered all of your own questions?" she asked.

"How do you figure?" I asked.

"First of all, when you remembered the first video you barely noticed the man that was brutally abusing the girl, although you could define the abuse pretty well, and you gave me a pretty detailed description of the girl."

"So? What does that tell you, doctor?" I asked..

"Two separate issues are working on your mind. It's only normal that in watching the videos, certain memories of your younger years would be brought out and when you combine that with certain curiosities, your mind tries to sort them both out at the same time and it just can't."

"So how am I supposed to separate them," I asked.

"You don't necessarily have to separate them," she said, "but you need to identify them and accept them before you can work on controlling them."

"I'm listening," I said.

"When did you first realize that your curiosity about being with another woman was more than just a curiosity?"

"Why do you think it is?" I asked.

"Let me reword the question," she said. "When was the first time you realized that you wanted to make love to me?"

"Whoa," I said, "where did that come from? Something has been chewing pieces out of your brain," I said. "Just because we watch each other masturbate doesn't mean I'm bi or les."

"Listen to me, honey," she said. "When you answered those questions, the one thing I noticed is how many details you could talk about when it came to the women but you couldn't tell what color the man's eyes were. You had no problem at all describing a woman's pussy or her ass, or her tits in full detail. Honey, there is nothing to be ashamed of to be bi. I think I've always been bi, but I never realized how much until I started watching the videos."

"That's you," I said. "It doesn't mean that I am."

"It doesn't mean you're not into cock, honey, it just means that your curiosity has been getting stronger and whether you want to admit it or not, you have been wanting to make love to me for a while now."

"It's just fantasies," I said.

"No," she said, "they were fantasies, but not now, and that's what's really bothering you. You want to but you can't, and it's frustrating."

"I hope you're done psycho-analyzing me now," I said. "How much do I owe you?"

"Honey, please listen to me carefully, "she said. "It's all right. I've wanted you for over a year. That's why know what's going on in your mind. We both want it but we can't have what we want because we both respect our marriage vows. Think about it,"

"Okay," I said, "let's assume your right about my sexual orientation and the fact that I want you, which I'm not ready to face yet. That explains why I was fixating on certain videos, but you said that I had more than one demon to face. What were you talking about?"

"Exhibitionism and bondage," she said. "You feel frustrated here as well,because you don't know how to satisfy that need to expose yourself, and even though bondage fascinates you, that curiosity frightens you because you're not sure you're willing to submit to that much loss of control."

I didn't reply for a few minutes because she had me nailed. Why hadn't I been able to see it for myself?

"So how do I address those demons?" I asked. "I mean it's not like Tim is about to help me with any of them and actually might be really pissed if he finds out I'm exploring either one of them."

"What if you could explore them enough to find out just how far you want to go without anyone actually seeing you do it?" she asked. "What if you could bare it all with a lot of people watching?"

"I'd love to be able to do it if I didn't think Tim or the families would ever find out," I said. "I really can't explain it because I don't understand it myself. It's just something that gives me a thrill like nothing else I've ever experienced, a sort of a free feeling."

"Okay, then let's talk about the bondage. Do you want to learn more and explore the possibilities, or do you want to just forget it and decide that maybe being controlled isn't interesting to you after all?"

I closed my eyes and my mind began to wander. I told her I needed a potty break and headed for the bathroom where I could attempt to focus on the challenges at hand.

I was perfectly willing to go through with whatever she was planning for me, but I had Tim's feelings to consider too, and what if our families or friends found out? Was I ready to face that possibility?

And then there was the other. I was Bi and there was no sense in denying it but just how strong were those feelings? She was right when she said I'd been wanting her too. Oh god, there were times when I wanted to throw her to the floor and rip her clothes off.

When I went back, she'd poured us each some fresh coffee and put out breakfast bars.

"I'm not sure about the bondage issue," I said. I'll have to get back to you on that."

"Now for the biggie," she said, looking me right in the eyes. "I think you know that you're bi-sexual now but what are you going to do about it. You can't just pretend it isn't true."

"I've been denying it for all these years," I said, "why can't I continue to do so?"

"You can't deny it," she said. "You don't have to act on it, but you can't deny who and what you are. Why don't you open your mind to it and learn more about it.?"

"And I'm sure you're just the one to educate me," I said, sarcastically.

"Actually no, I'm not," she said, "but I can recommend some books and web sites"

I think that accepting being it being open about my desires calmed me some and let me be who I truly am for the first time in a long time. I'd faced the demons and taken control of them to some extent and being bi-sexual didn't have to be a stressful situation after all. I was bi-sexual and that was no longer a ghost that lingered just out of reach.

"Let's talk about the exhibitionism," I said. "I can handle that the easiest."

"You said you wanted to explore it," she said, "and thanks to the internet, there is way to do that without anyone knowing it."

"I'm sure there is," I said, "but if you think I'm going to pose naked on the internet,

you're crazy. It's one thing to expose myself in the car or something like that and a completely different thing to consider on the internet. I can control who my audience is to an extent in the first but not on the second. Don't you think there is more than a little possibility that one of our guys or a family member or one of our friends is going to see that?"

"Yes and no," she said. "Do you have any scars or blemishes I don't know about?"

"Maybe I should strip and you can examine me to see for yourself," I said, and immediately I knew it was the wrong thing to say.

"I wish," she said. "All I'm saying is that there are wigs and contacts and temporary tattoos, even temporary blemishes we can use to conceal your identity. You could pose nude, strip, dance, masturbate, or whatever and no one would ever know but you and I."

"I suppose," I said, becoming more and more excited at that possibility. "There are several amateur web sites that allow you to post and I even noticed that some of them have cash awards for the various categories but I could never win those with this body. It's worn out and saggy."

"Not for the mature categories," she said.

"Whatever," I said. "I just won't get my hopes up."

"So let's talk about the bondage," she said.

"If I decide to try it, I can do that same thing," I said, "but that would create a whole new problem."

"Why is that?" she asked.

"There is only one person in this whole wide world that I would submit to for that and I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said.

"It's just a photo or video shoot," she said. "It's not like I'm making love to you and you've already decided you could do nude shots or videos so either way, I'm going to get you naked."

"Yeah and up close and maybe a little too personal," I said.

"What's really bothering you?" she asked. "Is it me, because I can find someone else to do the camera work if it is."

I reached over and grabbed her arm. "No, honey, oh god no," I said. "You know better than that. It's me that I don't trust, and just thinking about the possibility for disaster scares the living hell out of me. No matter what I want, I can't jeopardize what I already have with Tim."

"Of course you can't and neither can I," she said. "So if we explore that side, we have to make sure we work together to keep that from happening."

"The other thing is that we can't do it in our homes because we can't conceal that identity."

"We could do it in one of our garages," she said. "It would be simple to change that with some props and tarps or something like that."

"Maybe," I said, "at least enough to see if it's what I want at all."

"Demon number two controlled," she said, "and I don't think either of us is ready to explore the third one, but we do need to discuss it because whether we want to explore it or not, it will always be an issue."

"I know now that I am at least bi," I said, "and to tell you the truth, Lexi, accepting it was not easy, and I felt such a feeling of relief when I did, but now, the threat to my marriage is even stronger and it frightens me."

"Why is that?" she asked. "You tell me of the pussy pounding sex you two have and how much you love it and him, Cindy, but you're afraid that making love to another woman will take all of that away. I don't get it."

"It won't be a problem for me," I said, "but if he finds out, he may bolt or worse."

"Cindy, listen to me, I won't lie to you and tell you that it couldn't happen, but do you really think he couldn't understand or forgive you? You know him better than I do, but I can't see that."

"Oh god, I just don't know, Lexi," I said. "I don't think he would, but I can't even think about it right now or I'll be too afraid to do any of it."

"Okay, change of subject," she said. "Let's get back to the exhibitionism. Are you sure you want to do it?"

"I get wet just thinking about it," I said. "the only thing about the internet though is that I can't get the rush of discovery I get from public exposure."

""In a way you can, but it's delayed," she said. "Most sites have a place for comments and feedback, and if things work out, we can look for places and situations where you can be naked and free outdoors in a controlled environment."

"So where do we go from here?" I asked, anxious to move on.

"One thing at a time," she said. "Let's think of what we want to do and how to go about it."

"We both have fairly new digital cameras and video recorders," I said.

"I've got a couple of tripods around here somewhere that we bought and never used," she said.

"We have to decide how to conceal the identity of the room we decide to shoot in." I said.

"Oh hell, that's simple," she said. "We can use the guest room. I'll just put the lamps in the closet and change the drapes and linens but we can get cheap ones at the Linen's outlet store or the dollar store. You won't recognize the place."

"What about the headboard?"

"Leave that up to me,"

"When do you want to do it?"

"I'm tied up with errands and appointments tomorrow," she said, "but I'm available Thursday if you want."

"I'll go to the costume shop tomorrow to get wigs and whatever else I can find to change my looks."

"Be sure you get something for me too," she said. "You don't get to have all the fun."

"I'll be sure to bring the cameras," I said. "Is there anything else we need?"

"Not this time," she said. "We'll keep it fairly simple the first time and if you like it and want to do it again we can decide what we need then."

"I can't believe you're doing this for me," I said.

"It's not just about you any more," she said. "I'm almost as excited about it as you are.."

I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek. "We'll have fun with it," I said.

"As long as it keeps the demons away, I'll be happy," she said. "Plan on being here early on Thursday though, so we have plenty of time to get everything set up and ready."

Chapter 7

An hour after I arrived at the costume store, I walked out with two wigs, contact lenses, temporary tattoos and very realizing looking scars along with two pamphlets on costuming. My second stop was at a small store that the clerk suggested for inexpensive costume jewelry including clip on nipple and clit rings. I was ready to be transformed into my alter ego.