The Freedom of Slavery Ch. 02

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"I am so sorry masters, is Gobin ok, do you think we should try to sleep again..." To which she got an emphatic and sharp NO!!

None of her masters would have been up for round two if she started dreaming again. "She would make an excellent enemy destroyer, they would all be nothing but drooling idiots before they knew what hit them," Jahar commented dryly. "Excellent idea Jahar, except for the part where we would not only look like balzan for doing so, they would probably invent a new law just so we would be balzan," Kalba commented just as dryly.

"Enough you two, Helius, can you project a few dreams into her or should we have Ilan get the deep slumber?" Lezar asked. "At this point, BOTH!" Helius said, shuddering slightly.

Ilan got up to get the deep slumber, which was a pill that was safe for humans that knocked them out cold and prevented dreams, but it was better to be safe then sorry when Gobin had almost been driven insane by the strain of Alza's nightmare. With that in mind, Helius replayed the events of their evening activities, and then dove into Alza's mind to find her memories of the events, and the pleasures she had had.

"Alza, I need you to take this, and Lezar, Jahar and I will sleep with you. The others need to recover, so we will let them stay where they are," Ilan said, handing her a small white capsule and some water.

"Thank you Master Ilan, what is it?"

"It is a sleeping pill that was made for humans that will help you sleep without dreams, hopefully."

She swallowed the pill, which took only minutes to work, and they all moved into comfortable positions, hoping that take 2 would be more peaceful.

@@@

Of course, what her masters forgot, was that the deep slumber was so effective that she slept for the rest of the journey home.

"Brothers, I think we need to have another week off, and get an appointment with the tsarzan for some MAJOR shielding help," Ilan said, looking worriedly at Alza and Gobin, who, although Alza was no longer projecting anything, had still not fully recovered from the trauma of such a strong attack.

He had the same look Alza had after she had told them about what happened to her, and Helius knew he couldn't dive into either of their psyches without an empathic healer and a mental shielder to ground him. Gobin may have been good, but they all worried that no-one on their planet would be able to shield them so they could help Alza heal.

If the tsarzan could not do it, then they would need the help of the gods, which was risky as few mortals could contain the power of the gods to wield them on the mortal plane, and most became insane when they did. There were a few pure white cats, who had feather patterns instead of spots, stripes, or rosettes. These were the mortal instruments of the gods, meant to keep the two halves of the planet from going into outright war, but they were also tasked to shield, protect, and if necessary, heal the tsarzan from extreme dangers.

With so few walzan and tsarzan, (totaling only 8 walzan, 8 tsarzan, and 8 sarzan, or heirs) on the half of the planet full of 4 million Fedaelus, it was important to make sure they damn well stayed alive long enough for the heir to be old enough to take over.

A sarzan or tsarzan, which were pure white Siberian tigers, could be born to anyone, not just in the royal family. As soon as one was born, it was taken to the palace to be raised as the heir. Only the walzan were stronger, and the walzan were only half-mortal. The tsarzan had every mental ability and most physical abilities, they were the law, period.

Born with a strong sense of justice and fair treatment, they were competitive like the rest of the Fedaelus, but they made wars more about sport than about such petty goals as land or money. Of course, the gods and the walzan made damn sure of it too, for if the sarzan had the slightest bit of evil, one or the other would take them out. Another would be born, and that was that. At least that was what was told, for an evil tsarzan was almost an oxymoron.

"I am sure that the tsarzan will be able to shield us, after all, he is the most powerful male of the clan, and his sarzan is looking like she will be just as strong," Lezar said, trying to dispel the cloud of worry hanging in to room.

"We are about to land, so what is the plan?" Helius asked.

"I say Helius, Kalba and Lezar should take Gobin straight to the tsarzan, Jahar and I take Alza to the shield room, and we figure out how to help our carzan and ama," Ilan said.

"Then let's do it," Lezar agreed.

As soon as they landed, Jahar and Ilan took Alza to the shield room, which was a psychic bomb shelter meant to shield against or contain massive amounts of psychic energy. Helius and Kalba helped Gobin walk up to the compound while Lezar raced ahead to get them an audience with one of the few mortals whose power was almost god-like.

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ForonceForoncealmost 12 years ago
Not again!

The problem is, this story has been written already. And the first time around it was much better. You know what story I am talking about.

TheStarsAtNightTheStarsAtNightover 12 years ago

The story has a lot of potential, but I find it really confusing. First off, I would highly recommend finding an editor to help you sort through difficulties in spelling and grammar. Second, it feels as though there is a lot you have not considered when creating your characters, environment, and plot. I'm not trying to criticize in the way your favorite anonymous fan has done, but I think it would help your story to think things through, ask questions, and decide where you want to go with the story. So here are some things to think about if you rewrite/edit the piece:

~I still don't entirely understand why there are 6 males. I especially don't understand why they are different 'breeds' of cats and how (presumably) aggressive males are able to work together. (My understanding of large cats is that they stay together just enough to breed and find food and are otherwise fairly solitary, particularly the males, which seems contrary to your characters. Male lions will even eat the young of other male lions they have ousted.)

~Nancy/Alza is somewhat of a paradox. She's a little too calm in reacting to her situation, particularly given her past and that that she's prone to panic attacks. Considering she was suicidal in the past, has PTSD, and who knows what else, she's amazingly rational...especially when faced with lions and tigers. Even hyperventilating, locking muscles, and being unable to speak would be a far more realistic reaction to the situation she's in.

~Another problem: Nancy has no age. Quite frankly, I can't see her as being younger than 45. If we assume she was 20 when she began her relationship with Max, she managed to escape at 30. For argument's sake, let's say she had physical and psychological problems for five years before she managed to go to college for her psychologist's degree - a four year program plus another couple years for grad school - puts her at 41. A few years into her practice before the abduction, and voila: 45.

~Question - if Nancy is able to work as a psychologist to beaten and abused women, how has it not triggered her own panic attacks and PTSD? Just something to keep in mind.

~The way Gobin introduced Nancy/Alza to telepathy/empathy was awkward, and the 'comfort package' statement made no sense. More detail and a smoother transition would be helpful here.

~What does 'ama' mean? There were also, I think, a few other cat-planet words introduced that we never got the meaning to.

~Why are the 'tsarzans' considered mortals? Are the other cats immortal? Are the tsarzans some kind of gods-come-to-earth? Please explain.

That's all I've got for now. Keep writing!

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Well it was less painful than round one...

Perhaps because it was shorter. Shes still being stupid. Giving head to the kitty on day one will obviously end badly. And for the love of god stop using the word cream. Thats not hot, its weird. Once can be okay. Not every word.

Also youre switching tenses periodically. Would love for that to stop.

You introduced some unexpected stuff here. Theres still the iasue that the exact fucking species of cat developed on a different planet. And then turned humanoid. That makes no sense. The addition of mental powers, gods, pure white cats making me think of the dahli lama, all that, was a fortunate change.

MizTMizTover 12 years ago
Different

This is really different in a good way. I haven't read anything like it before. The world and natives you have created are very usual and interesting. I'm really looking forward to read chapter three which posted today along w/this chapter, so here I go!

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Wow

Love it, more please !!

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