All Comments on 'The Gift'

There was a lot of build-up to the sex, and the sex was OK, but then you rushed the ending. You set an interesting frame but didn't really get us connected to the characters, and their motivations or concerns. The dialogue wasn't very good, and it felt like you were skipping over a lot of description and framing that would have been relevant and useful. That said, I think there is some promise or potential in your writing and I would like to see you continue. Take more passes through your writing, sit on it longer before finishing and publishing. Ask yourself "where am I rushing through what could need more attention?" "Is this dialogue believable?" "Do these characters have unique styles or motivations or concerns that isn't reflected in their dialogue or behavior?" Etc.

like anon said it was good til you rushed the ending.i would have enjoyed a longer series where we see how they grow as a couple and change the world around them without the selective breeding since that is too nazi like for me.

Man, with the action you have here you could have written four to five chapters. I know it's your first story, and you're good at it, but slow down! I will follow you to see your progress.

I agree with the other comments about rushing the ending and how you did not fully develop the characters. One other thing to work on is your editing. For example, the dialog would be more readable and easier to follow had you followed standard conventions and break the dialog of each character into separate paragraphs. Joe says something in quotes such as:

"Really nice boobs," Joe exclaimed.

"Well thank you," Mary replied, "you have some very nice legs for a man."

"I always thought my legs were one of my best assets," Joe responded, blushing as he did so.

Anyway, you get the idea. So, slow down, develop the characters, perhaps make an outline of a story concept itemizing the way you could see the story going and what you would cover in each installment, and continue writing. Your first effort was pretty good.

The comments above are helpful about writing itself. I want to talk about some of the framing you used to build the story.

First, you state that the unnamed alien race has reached the ultimate in technology. Even being able to create new stars, planets and pass the event horizons of black holes with impunity? And obviously these aliens are able to tailor-make a new humanoid form. So-called "junk DNA" doesn't exist. That Kara'it was able to freeze him, invade his body, scan and evaluate all the millions of sperm for the two she wanted (there are, at this time, three identified types), then select and remove them for implantation within seconds makes me wonder why is she bothering with breeding with humans at all?

If she can do this, the mating itself is irrelevant. She could have walked up to him at the fence when they first met and had him there within moments.

The unnamed aliens are supposed to be totally benevolent. Obviously she has language and cultural skills implanted since she was able to rent a car, but it makes me wonder how did she do this without a DMV license or money? Was this created? Or did she simply change the memories of the rental car staff? Lying is not benevolent, nor is such manipulation. Then Kara'it casually dumps the car into a pond - stealing the vehicle that doesn't belong to her - and then proceeds to invent more lies when meeting Joe, to the point that a false police report is made. These actions contradict the initial outlay of your story, and hint that either she regards human morals as beneath her (making her amoral) or that their alien version of benevolence is not what we hold the term to mean.

The great ship she comes in is also not fully explained. Is she able to manipulate her own form on her own? The scanning, too: is that her ability or is she still connected to the ship and making use of that? If all these are her abilities, why come in a huge ship at all? But she has arrived in a huge ship, presumably for an unexplained reason. Is that in case she is discovered and needs to enforce her plan of genetic manipulation? (A starship to blow up pesky human resistance?)

I have no issue with the healing and anti-disease traits, but then you have the alien modifying for mental and emotional traits. There are some very dangerous humans out there and their views are unsavory to say the least. Breeding such traits out by artificial manipulation is not the way. Check out "Gattica" if you haven't seen it; superior body is trumped by superior character and heart.

I agree with Redlion75, the attitude on the eugenics is distasteful and again, contradicts the initial claim of benevolence. And, it makes the alien's plan to re-make humanity in the alien's image suspect. What was it about humans that made us worthwhile? Sheer numbers? Our humanoid form? The intentions of Kara'it harken more to "Village of the Damned." (For the record, the George Sanders version is superior.)

The desire to mate is less believable, too, with her plan to use that event to breed 'homo novus' humans. Is her kink to breed with those she sees as lesser? Presumably, too, Kara'it has a very long life if not effectively immortal. With such control of her body, aging is not a factor. What will that do to Joseph? Will the children inherit this trait, too? And if so, are the females given direct control of when they get pregnant? Longer lives, too, mean slower maturity rates.

And lastly, having Kara'it pick the name Mary? Obviously, with her superior abilities, she will probably not come up on mere human flags for such things as being literally, an illegal alien. She will simply alter their memories if anyone does take notice -- again a not so benevolent action, but in tune with the character's actions thus far.

But the choice of Mary as her "human" name? (Another lie? Deliberate manipulation for 'homo novus' to use for propaganda as their numbers grow?) so the main characters are Mary and Joseph, and the impregnation takes place on December 24: why bring religion, specifically Christianity, into it at all? Arthur C. Clarke said that any sufficiently advanced technology would appear as magic to a less advanced society. Is "Mary" Kara'it thus an angel working for God? Or is religion, too, their interference, since they have been to our world before? Or ... what? Is this even necessary to the story? Even if you don't mean to ridicule or disparage, some readers will take it that way, and they will ding you for it.

Okay, with all that said, writing itself is or can be real work. Actually completing a story is an accomplishment. The sentences need work, but they are readable, and that, too, is worth acknowledging. The issues with dialog mentioned by Anonymous are well taken. (Anon E. Mouse?)

This is your first submission here. Don't let the lower scores get to you -- keep at it. Finding a reader and/or an editor would be very helpful. It can take a while, believe me. The editors and readers don't get paid either, so it's their volunteer time! Writing alone is tough, because we make mistakes that others readily catch. I am very guilty of that myself. Oh, most assuredly guilty I am.

Whether you take the comments of myself and others and re-write or not is up to you. But don't get discouraged. Writing is a skill, and like any craft, it gets better the more you do it. Keep writing. Good luck!

finally a race of aliens with a way to fix all the stupid in this world...lol