The Hive of Asgard

Golden thought he could feel smoke coming from all the modern educational tools to which his body was attached. Had he been a cartoon character, his eyeballs would be accordioning in and out of their sockets.

Then suddenly the right hemisphere of his brain went into hyperdrive and his left hemisphere found itself immersed a cartoon world composed by the right hemisphere that seemed as real as rain. Every cartoon villain, from Tom the Cat to Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd, was running right for him. Fudd was carrying a rather nasty looking AK-47 rifle, and Yosemite Sam packed an Uzi.

Wiley Coyote was hawking Acme weapons out of a suitcase, but Golden seemed to remember that Consumer Reports had given Acme weapons a quite unfavorable safety rating.

Suddenly Jerry the Mouse grabbed Golden's golden arm and pulled him to safety inside a system of mouse tunnels that would have made the Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo proud.

Then he felt someone shaking his shoulder. "Wakey, wakey, Golden Arm."

He opened his eyes to behold the welcome sight of the multiracial Kayoko Lokisdottir. "Are you OK? You'd better wake up now."

Golden's heart was still beating at a frantic clip. He never realized the awesome power a kitty-cat's claws posed to a mouse. "Yeah, I'm OK," he said."

"Did it hurt?"

"Oh yeah.

"Herr Professor Imnotanazi, I will never skip another homework assignment," Golden said. I will never get another question wrong again, I swear. You'll see. I'm a changed man."

"A worthy ambition but the proof is, as they say, Mr. Odinsson, in the pudding.

"Now class I need you all to pay attention to this next, very important feature of the program. There is a national effort to decrease the number of women who drop out of the STEM pipeline."

Golden raised his hand.

"That's the science, technology, engineering and mathematics pipeline, for those of you unfamiliar with higher education," Imnotanazi said

Odinsson lowered his golden arm.

"To decrease the number of woman who willfully elect to drop of the STEM rat race, this program is has been modified for women. When a problem is posed for the class, you skirts, I mean broads, may answer the question yourselves, or, and here is the clincher, you also may answer for any male student of your choice. To send a message to male students who may have sexually harassed you or may have uttered a politically incorrect phrase within your earshot, or whose pupils may have dilated as they walked by you, all you need to do is punch in the wrong answer and then student's ID number which you will see on your console. Then that sexist pig (I'm just reading the written instructions they gave it, so hate the message, not the messenger) will be punished no matter what answer he types on the keyboard. This punishment is additive, so if three women enter the wrong answer for the male student, his punishment will be three times more severe than if only one woman sends the wrong answer to him.

"You skirts, I mean broads, I mean cunts, may also enter an answer for yourselves and will get rewarded or punished on the basis of your answer. So unless you're a masochist, only answer for yourself if you are pretty sure your answer is correct. Women are not required to answer for themselves, only to enter at least one answer, either for yourselves or for a male student of your own choosing."

"What about trannies?" Twinkletoes Jones asked from Row F.

Imnotanazi ignored his question and returned to the subject at hand. "Was that clear? OK, let's get started with a simple question. Is it possible that a diffeomorphic function could be a Reimannian inversion of a Leibnizian polyinversion in functor space?"

There ensued enough frantic clicking to rival a cricket serenade in June. Someone screamed, and Golden looked around to see the burning flesh of the lothario Fast Hymie aka "God's Gift" aka "Slick" Felson. Smoke poured from beneath Hymie Felson's brain collar. His eyes bugged out in the same way Golden's had a few minutes before. He took a quick peek under Felson's toga and watched in horror as Fast Hymie's ball cups crushed and liquified his family jewels, the contents of which then poured copiously onto the classroom floor.

Even Herr Professor Imnotanazi was so appalled that he withdrew his marshmallow from Fast Hymie's groin area. He mercifully pressed the red button and Tanakafied the often way-too-fast Fast Hymie Feldson. Viscera and bone and brain fragments once more rained down upon the class.

"Double-Ewww," remarked the twice-splattered Emmy Noether.

Imnotanazi picked up the intercom mike. "We need a cleanup on Aisle Six," he said. "No, actually make that that Aisles Six, Seven and Eight, and Rows C through F. Hell, bring every bucket and mop you can find and at least six Hazmat suits.

"Well, in light of the present janitorial emergency, I will dismiss you fifteen minutes early today, unless there are objections. Only one hand was raised, that of Francis Asspucker Jones. Imnotanazi ignored it.

"Well class, I wish you Happy Holly Days, Seasons Greetings, Good Yule, Merry Kwansa, Neurotogenic Hannuka, and a Wonderful Jihad, and whatever else I am allowed to say in this politically correct age of ours.

"Oh, and Odinsson, you simply must get together with Ms. Lokisdottir regularly and bone up' on Diff Transformations over the break, if you catch my drift,." Imnotnazi said with a wink.

He continued, "Oh how I wish I could be a twenty-year old twit flunking remedial Algebra I. I envy you, Mr. Odinsson. Keep eating those oysters even though it is, dare I say it, Christmas.

"Well ta-ta. Class dismissed. Go shuffle along then."

It took only a minute or two for Kayoko Lokisdottir to catch up with Golden Arm Odinsson as the students processed out of the lecture hall.

She snuck up behind him and wrapped her arm around Golden's multimillion-dollar right arm, feeling the hardness of his biceps. She pressed her left breast against said arm, and she could feel him gasp, all the way down to his groin, or groan, as Archie Bunker so aptly put it. She then traced a complex pattern on his tantalized abs, using the Vulcan mind-meld technique unleashed by the very hot Vulcan T'Pol in more than one episode of "Star Trek: Enterprise." Few people realized that the scripts for these episodes were written by actual Vulcans. You will learn nothing about aliens from the mainstream drive-by media. But the truth is out there, mainly in fanboycosplay3657's blog every Monday morning.

The Screaming Beavers' QB was now putty in Kayoko hand's. She batted her eyelashes at him. "Goldie honey, I have to go home from Christmas to see my family. They live in the Adirondacks year-round. You must have family to see too."

"Not really" , Golden said. "My dad is serving six months in county for coldcocking the Fightin' Seal Pups' mascot with a Louisville Slugger."

"I can understand why people didn't like that. And your mom?"

Tears came to Golden eyes. "She's serving twenty to life in some snakepit for the criminally insane."

"What for?"

"Sex Addiction and Felonious Nymphomania."

"Jeez Golden, I don't think that those are even crimes. If they are, slap the cuffs on me and bind me to the bars."

Golden's golden scepter rose at that thought.

His mind harked back to that fateful day upon Capitol Hill that his mother, Lolita Jezebel Delilah Odinsson, was sentenced to that cruel term.

THE SAGA OF GOLDEN'S MILF

"As you know, Mrs. Odinsson, we have reached the penalty phase of these hearings, which will determine the severity of your sentence. The sentence will be based on the clear and present danger that you present to society, the remorse you feel for performing the many thousands of lascivious acts you have been accused of performing, the details of which have already been presented in lurid detail to the jury over a hundred times.

As this is not Sweeps Week, we will not be presenting the graphic details of these degenerate acts at this time. I know that this will be disappointing to long-time viewers of these proceedings. Hell, it will disappoint me most of all," said the surprisingly loquacious Special Guest Judge John Thomas, whose brother has still had never spoken in his 24 years on the Supreme Court.

"But don't worry, there will be appeals, civil suits, Congressional hearings and many other venues," his Honor said. "We will hear much more about these nefarious events, and I for one do not intend to miss one microsecond in their recounting. Neither should you, our faithful viewers, who have helped to propel C-Span 4 into first place among all cable channels, news, pornographic or otherwise.

"But let us return to the grim matter before us. Mrs. Odinsson, you have testified that, just like the fun-loving, mouth-breathing villain Frank Booth in the iconic cinema classic Blue Velvet by David Lynch, (lovingly portrayed by the distinguished thespian Dennis Hopper), you will fuck anything that moves. Is that still the case?"

"Oh Ah would if Ah could, your Honor," the defendant said, lifting her chained wrists in supplication and giving her silky red hair a shake that resulted in its spilling over the over her oh-so-succulent breasts.

"Would you fuck me on a chair?"

"Ah would fuck you on a chair. Ah would fuck you anywhere. Ah would fuck you with your wife."

"That might fuck up my life."

"Would you fuck me on a plane?"

"Ah would fuck you on a plane. Ah would fuck you on a train."

"Would you boff a tyke?"

"Ah would not boff a tyke. Ah would not boff him on his trike."

"Would you hump an armadillo?"

"Ah would not hump an armadillo. That is not mah peccadillo."

"Would counsel please approach the bench?" Judge Thomas said.

Johnnie Cochran III, Harry T. "Night Court" Stone, and Saul Goodman did just that.

Judge Thomas leaned forward and said, "We seem to have a fucking problem here fellas, literally . No matter how much I badger her, she will not cop to any desire or intent to commit a felonious sexual act such as bestiality and pedophilia. As we all know, nymphomania, snake-swallowing, analingus, pussy-lapping, toe-sucking, cornholing, and most other forms of onanism and polymorphous perversity in general are, for all intents and purposes, no longer considered to be crimes, or at least are no longer enforced as such, praise be to God and my brother Clarence on the Court .

"As the delectable and delightful Mrs. Odinsson has not committed, and harbors no intent or desire to commit, any criminal act, I'm afraid that we have no choice but to release her back into the fucked-up cesspool that spawned her in the first place. Thus, we will have to release her on her own recognizance after completion of one week of intensive training that will enable her to carefully consider, identify, and experience every act of extreme moral turpitude that exists or could possibly exist, given the yoke of the laws of physics that cruelly dictate what physical acts are topologically possible, if perhaps morally despicable."

"Aw, jeez," Night Court's Judge, Harry Stone, said. "Do you see how hot and hungry that woman is? I can't run through the list of sexual perversities I want to perform with her in just one lousy week."

Johnnie Cochran III nodded his head in agreement with Judge John Thomas. " If the writ don't fit, you must acquit." he observed, tears filling his eyes.

"We could go mental," Saul Goodman said. "She really does pose a clear and present danger to herself and the community, especially if she talks to my wife. We could probably get an open-ended involuntary commitment over at the Emile Kraepelin Center for the Hopelessly Psychotic. They'll commit just about any one there , no questions asked. They need the scratch. They'll take her."

"Yeah, but that's all the way over in Silver Springs," Johnny Cochran III said. "That's a 50-minute commute for me. I've already been lying to my wife about working late four days a week. No way can I do Silver Springs. Plus she's really hot and really bad. I don't want to miss out on the visitations. Look, I'm exposed as much as you three guys are. I deserve a share of the nookie."

"How about we put her in the Krafft-Ebing Center for Intractable Paraphilia?" Judge Thomas said. "That's only ten minutes from here."

"Isn't that where we just put Lilith 'Cojones Sucker' Jones? People are starting to talk, you know."

"It'll be OK. This one's not like Jones. She's not going to talk, and if she does, it's going to be with her mouth full. No one will be able to understand a word she says. Besides, the staff at Krafft-Ebing are very discreet."

"Ok, Krafft-Ebing it is then."

"How long of a sentence should we give her?

"This one's going to last a long, long time," Judge Thomas observed. "What's the ETA on menopause for her?"

"Twenty-five years." Saul Goodman said, looking at his calculator.

"Ok, so we're looking at a commitment term of at least twenty years and a maximum of twenty-five. Are we all agreed?"

The legal eagles all nodded their felonious little heads and walked back to their seats.

Judge John Thomas' john thomas rose, as did the Judge himself a second later. He banged his gavel on the bench and announced, "We will take a one hour recess for lunch. Will the defendant please see me in my chambers.

Lolita Jezebel Delilah Odinsson rose from the defense table. "You mean po' lil' ol' me? Ah thought that was strickly fo' lawyers and otha' impohtent t figures, such a yo'self," she said, batting her eyes at the aptly named Judge John Thomas. She shook her long wavy crimson hair so that it spilled over her humongous aching breasts and down her glorious back almost to her waist.

"Don't believe everything you see on those court TV shows," Judge Thomas told the scarlet-haired vixen. "You'd be surprised what goes on behind those doors."

"You will find that Ah'm not an easy woman to surprise, Yo' Honor. Ah have been around the block once or twice my mahself. OK, maybe a thousand times. But Ah enjoyed evah' one o' them, yo' Honah. Evah' last one o' them."

"Will the bailiff please escort the defendant to my chambers."

Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon, on loan from Harry Anderson, Jr.'s night court rose, from his chair, all 6'9" of him. The glare of the light reflected off his bald head was blinding.

Bull seized the chain that bound Lolita Jezebel Delilah Odinsson's wrists to her ankles and hauled her into a vertical position.

"Oh mah, ahn't you the forceful brute!" the raised defendant said. "You can chain me to yo' bedposts any time honey. Any time at all."

Bull grabbed her chain and hauled her like a piece of carry-on luggage into the Judge's chambers and dropped her unceremoniously on the floor. She looked up at the dark figure of Judge John Thomas, admiring the tent in his robe.

"Well, if Ah am not mistaken, Judge Thomas, you are glad to see me. Here we are, alone at last, give or take one bald gorilla lurking in the corner, and he is free to jump in at any time whenever Ah summon him. How about unlocking me, big fella? Ah need to have mah hands free if Ah am to be properly sodomized."

Bull reluctantly removed her chains. He really liked it best when they were in irons and helpless. But just as she could be freed in a matter of seconds, she could be chained and trussed just as quickly.

His Honor stepped forward. "Well, lookie what we got here," Lolita Jezebel Delilah Odinsson exclaimed. "A damn ripcord!" She tugged on the release mechanism and the Judge's robe fell from his shoulders and collapsed on the floor.

"Ah always thought that you judges went commando under yo' robes, and mah-o-mah Ah was right. This is an unexpected pleasure, suh, an unexpected pleasure indeed." She raked her nails up and down Judge John Thomas' namesake, leaving thin traces of blood in their wake.

She licked her lips. "Oh, Ah do like the smell of spilled blood in taboo places. Ah am sorry, suh, I must taste you now." She knelt down and plunged her mouth over the Judge's massive member, her tongue carefully licking its scratched veins to capture every drop of spilled blood.

"You know, even our prison jumpsuits come equipped with rip cords," the Judge informed her. He yanked hers and pulled the orange prison garb clean off of Lolita Jezebel Delilah Odinsson's otherwise naked body.

Her breasts were firm and round, her stomach as lithe as any serpent's. Her red tresses flowed down her back, bouncing with every thrust of her mouth as she continued to fellate the Judge's not inconsiderable shaft.

He seized her head, feeling the soft flow of her silky hair through his fingers as he pumped harder and harder into her insatiable mouth, which sucked him with total abandon. The nymphomaniac Mrs. Odinsson raised her hands to cup his balls, squeezing and playing with them as she hoovered his AK-47, This was finally a motion that the Judge could never deny, no matter what the grounds.

Judge Thomas could only hope that his performance would stand up against his brother Clarence's protégé, a porn star going by the moniker Long Dong Silver.

She felt the rata-tat-tat as Judge John Thomas's weapon fired into her thirsty mouth, filling it with hot judicial jism. She licked her lips, not wanting to waste a single precious drop and held his organ in her mouth as it began to detumesce, licking his Honor's still somewhat solid gavel in hope of getting a rise and repeat performance out of him.

She heard a shuffling sound, as well as whispers and giggling that appeared to come from being the Judge's wall tapestry of Charlie Sheen riding the profusely tentacled Kraken from the myth of Perseus and Andromeda.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," she said, channeling her inner Billie Burke and Judy Garland. The legal staff involved in the case sheepishly emerged from behind tapestry. They were all wearing judicial robes.

"Pull 'em, gentlemen, " Lolita Odinsson said." They each yanked their ripcords , and their robes fell to the ground, allowing naked justice to proceed.

"Well yo' honors and esquires and especially bailiffs, Ah see that Ah have yo' rapt attention. Have y'all decided on what yo' going to do to me?

"In the long-term, yes," Judge Thomas said, "but what will transpire in the next few minutes and hours is anybody's guess."

"Well tell me about the long term then."

"We have decided to have you involuntarily committed as a patient in the Krafft-Ebing Center for Intractable Paraphilia, or KECIP"

"Ah do not like the sound of that involuntary part. However, Ah must admit that evah involuntary act in which Ah have participated was most delicious, most delicious indeed. That is why "Yo Honor" should feel free to chain me cruelly, and gangbang and sodomize me to yo' hearts content. Come to think about it, involuntary is A-OK with me.

"Well, it would be a very voluntary form of involuntary commitment for 20 or 25 years."

"How is that even possible , Yo' Honor?"

"Well, at KECIP, you would get your own room at the Presidential Suite level in the nation's finest hotels, complete with room service and free maid service, a top cable TV package, access to KECIP's extensive recreational facilities and programs, including trips to the top destinations and sporting events around the world.

"KECIP offers a breakfast bar each day from 5AM to 1PM, a salad bar features full meal entrees from noon to 11PM.

"You will also receive free medical and dental care, including but not limited to compulsory vaccination against all STDs as well as spermatozoa.

"You would be free to leave at any time, which is what makes it a voluntary commitment.

"But to get the government to pay for this, you need to be involuntarily committed. That's why we need your John Hancock on the dotted line."

"And the government recognizes the legitimacy of voluntary involuntary commitment?"