The Humper Game Pt. 05 Ch. 09

"Maybe you should say more about these friends you mentioned, though."

"I've mentioned them before, last year. Jenny O'Malley and Sam Bruja. And Mom, you need to understand. Ellen and I aren't formally engaged, but honestly, at this point that's waiting on Ellen's meeting you and my meeting her family—and on getting a ring. But as of just a few months ago, it might have been either of them instead. They both know this, and Sam is solidly behind us. Jenny too, but not quite so solidly. So these are close and affectionate friends. Former girlfriends, if you like, but not looking to break up what we have now. We're hoping to have a day or so with them now, because if we don't, we probably won't be able to see them again until the wedding."

I had been thinking of adding something about my plan—or hope, anyway—to meet my aunts and uncles while I was there, but I decided that this should wait until we were home. I planned to corner Mom and tell her, but not to talk to Dad about it at all unless after the fact.

And I was very, very much encouraged by Mom's flat statement that they were looking forward to meeting Ellen. Mom wasn't the kind of person who would say something like that just to be pleasant. I was still a little worried that something, some problem, might arise with Dad, but this gave me room for hope.

Mom went on, "Phil—and Ellen, too—you need to realize that we're concerned for you, and it's because you're still so young. I might say, young and inexperienced, but that may be an assumption. You're college juniors, but you're still just out of high school. We've talked about it, a lot in fact. And when you're here, we really will want to sit down with you both and ask a lot of questions. But I want to say, now while Bob isn't here, that I'm sure that high school grew you up fast in more than academics. I'll be with him in kind of challenging you, but that's to make sure you really do know your own minds and hearts, and that you've thought about the difficulties you'll be facing. Bob is a little more inclined than I am to think he knows better—that you're just both too young for a lifelong decision.

"What I'm saying is this. Both of you, please be ready to listen and think. If you get your backs up and get stubborn, it won't help. If you truly have thought things through, and you're willing to listen to what we say, I'll be on your side, most likely. Ellen, Phil's dad is very apt to be stubborn, and Phil has unfortunately sometimes learned to be the same. I hope you both can be firm when you need to, without being stubborn.

"Ellen, if I knew you, it's very possible that I would be eager to see you as my daughter in law—depending on what you're like. And I have really thought about it myself, and I'm hoping that if Phil thinks you're a good choice to be his wife, then maybe you really are the kind of woman he needs.

"I haven't put that very well, but I hope you understand it. At any rate, I want very much to meet you."

There was a brief pause. "Mom, thank you. I think Ellen will have something to say in a minute, but I want to get in first. You're not the only ones with questions. I'm told, by Ellen and her brother both, that her parents are already concerned, first that I'm not Chinese—which isn't ever going to change!—but also that I'll never be rich enough or successful enough to take proper care of their daughter. Ellen already told me not to worry about getting a fancy, expensive engagement ring, because it couldn't possibly be fancy or expensive enough. On the other hand, I was privileged to hear her end of it when we called to tell them we were going to be living together. They were ready to explode, and she remained calm and respectful the whole time, without backing down an inch, and—I was wondering when she had taken a class on mind control.

"I'm worried about myself with Dad, for the reasons you were just saying, but however rude he may be to her, I'm sure she won't respond in kind. But you need to know, this is my future wife, and she needs to know that I'll stand up for her, and that has to start right away. I did get some practice in being courteous in the face of rudeness and even malice, over four years, but it will be harder with Dad. I hope to tell you more about some of that, when we're there. And I'll appreciate anything you can do to make this a non-issue. Really and truly."

After another pause, Ellen said, "Mrs. Morris, I think I understand what you meant. You owe your husband loyalty and support, and while that doesn't mean you won't contradict him, you can't let me, or Phil and me, drive a wedge between you. I truly hope it won't come to that, and I'll do everything I can to see that it doesn't. But there is a bottom line for me, and I've told Phil this. Um, no, you need a little background first. We had a serious misunderstanding a couple of months ago, and that's the exact word, but I was the one who didn't understand. And I was ready to walk out on Phil, totally, without listening to anything he would say.

"We straightened that out, but part of it is that I've promised him, I'm not letting him go unless he sends me away. He might do that by just plain refusing to be the kind of person he is, any longer, and there's an example in my past of that very thing. Or he might tell me in so many words to just go away. But in neither case would I go without making sure that I really understand that. And I will do everything in my power to be the kind of woman he needs. I'll give you more details about that, when we're there, but I hope I can convince you—at least—that I'm the right one for your son. And I'm glad that you love him enough to want to try to make sure of it."

We talked a while longer, and then said goodbye. When we had disconnected, I took a very deep breath and let it out. "Ellen, I'm really glad Dad wasn't in on that, because Mom would never have said some of those things if he had been. She wants you to be someone she can accept as a daughter in law, and that's way more than I hoped for." I went over and just held her for a couple of minutes.

We turned back to studying, and after a while Ellen said, "I'm not completely caught up, but there's nothing more I can't do later. We'll both lose tomorrow afternoon, and you'll lose tomorrow night. Are you where you can just come to bed?"

I considered for a moment, and said, "I think so. I have a paper due Friday, and a couple for next week, but I've started on them and I don't foresee problems. That's studying. But please, can we talk about tomorrow afternoon? What I have to say may kill your plans for bedtime—I mean trample on your feelings enough that you're totally out of the mood, or on mine until I am, I suppose—but we need to talk about it before then. Please?"

Ellen closed up her things and looked at me. "If we need to talk, then we'll talk, Phil. If you somehow trample on my feelings so I'm turned off at bedtime, I'll tell you so, and you'll have to decide what to do about that. But up front I'm going to say, please make love to me however I'm feeling about it when we finally get to bed. And then, as I say, it's your decision. So what do we need to decide about Pastor Mac?"

"I'm not sure how to say this so it doesn't say things I don't mean. Um. Ellen, we may not be acceptable to him no matter what, in various ways. The most likely one, I think—based on what Pastor Billings said—is that he may not be willing to perform weddings for nonbelievers. In one way, I think that's got to be a bad choice for a pastor to make, but what Pastor Billings said makes sense—if, in counseling, he wants to be able to focus so much on spiritual advice, appealing to the authority of scripture as the basis for what he advises and requires, he might not feel able to adapt that to, say, us. Well, I think he probably would have said so up front, yesterday morning. But there might be other reasons.

"But there may be things he insists on which would be acceptable to some people like us, but not to us, specifically. The one I'm sure we're in agreement about, I don't expect to be a problem. We want someone who sees public commitment to each other, all the stuff in the traditional vows, better or worse, sickness and health, rich or poor, love, honor, cherish, obey—all those things are the bedrock of the relationship. If he can't say that, he's the wrong man. Am I right that you're with me in that?"

"So far you haven't even tiptoed on my feelings, Phil. I think you know that much."

"There may be other things. If there's something either of us can't accept, we'll have to discuss it, but if we agree it's unacceptable or we can't agree, we'll have to look further.

"But saying that leads to a danger, namely that we go looking for someone who really won't demand anything serious of us. So my first point is just that we need to agree ahead of tomorrow afternoon, that we're not looking for someone to make us comfortable. We aren't shopping for the best deal." I stopped and waited.

Ellen hesitated. "I think I'm in full agreement with you there, except that you sound like you're heading somewhere you think I won't be willing to go. So there's probably something important I haven't thought of. Please tell me what I'm overlooking, Phil."

"It's what Pastor Billings said. He himself doesn't normally marry nonbelievers, so it's definitely an issue: if they're, um, currently sexually active, he insists they stop until they're married. He specifically said that, if he were to be marrying us he wasn't sure what he would do about this. But I want to go on record with you. If Pastor Mac is otherwise acceptable to us, and wants to insist on that, we'll discuss it with him. And he needs to know we'll find it very difficult—though I expect he would know that. But if he's a good choice in every other way, and we can't move him on that point in discussion, then we'll abide by that restriction, not go looking for someone else on that basis. It's a matter of integrity."

Ellen looked aghast, as though she were about to cry. I moved to hold her, and she said, "Please. Don't. Not yet. Phil, it's just that I don't see how I can stand it. You—." She stopped, took a breath as though she were going to speak, let it out, and then finally started again. "This is why I love you so much, Phil. Um. I fell in love with you because you were so gentle and caring, and you put me first, and then you insisted on checking with me before saying something you felt might—I don't know, hurt my reputation with your friends? Make you look good at my expense? Anyway, you cared for me. And in the short run, really good sex kind of cemented it.

"But over time, what really counted was something more. On matters of principle, you're always ready to be firm. Even when it means you get hurt. With Sam, before you were assigned as partners—you both told me. You apologized when you couldn't bear to touch her, and insisted on trying as much as you could. With Jenny, you waited for her to make up her mind, when the uncertainty was killing you. With me, when I couldn't make up my mind, when I didn't want to let you hold me because I would want to take you to bed, you said you not only wouldn't push me, you wouldn't let me change my mind unless I really had resolved the issues for myself.

"I don't see how I can last six months or whatever, probably more, without your making love to me. But if you weren't willing to say what you just did, how could I trust you when you promise all those things to me? You're right. If he says that, I may question his reasoning, with regard to us. But if he insists, I'll agree. If I can't stand being in bed with you without sex, on and on, I'll sleep on the couch. Or something. But we'll do what we have to."

She was crying a little. She moved over to me and let me hold her, and we just stood there for a couple of minutes. Then I told her, "You're wrong on one thing, Ellen. If anyone sleeps on the couch, it will be me. One way or another."

After a few moments more, she said, "Phil, I love you. I'm a little afraid, about that and a lot of other things. It's no fun, knowing little bits of the future but not all the things that link them up, or where things will end up—and I feel sure what I've seen is true, but I know that's just a feeling. But with you, anything. Being in your bed with no sex for six months, if that's what it takes. Not one thing you said stomps on my feelings in any way. It just reminds me of why I love you, and why I can trust you. But can we please go to bed now? Please?"

I held her just a minute more, gave her a pretty quick kiss, and turned to getting ready for bed. We got together the things we would need for the next day, for classes or for studying, then brushed our teeth and used the toilet. I got bread ingredients into the bread maker, grateful that I'd remembered that at the last minute. We kept our nightclothes where they would be handy if, say, someone knocked on our door late, but didn't bother putting them on when we got into bed.

We took our time making love, and even prolonged things enough that I went in twice. It felt to me like Ellen was feeling down, but she was eager and passionate. I was awed all over again that this wonderful woman loved me, enough to want to commit herself to me permanently, enough to commit herself to doing things the way I thought they needed to be done, even when it left her afraid of the future.

Between acts, so to speak, she reminded me of what I had told her about that night with Ellen and Deedee, about Deedee's wanting me to act out on her any fantasies I might have, even if it meant abusing her in various ways. "Phil, I'm trusting you to tell me if you come to want something like that, and to work out what we can do. I'm not saying what she said. I understand why that bothered you so much. But if it comes to that, don't hold it in because you feel ashamed to admit it. I've promised not to say no, but if you feel something is wrong I know you won't really ever ask for it. I still need to know about it." I didn't understand what made her bring that up then, and I didn't ask.

We went to sleep no later than our usual nominal bedtime, holding each other. If there were any interruptions during the night, I slept through them.

Tuesday morning we woke before the alarm, and we made love once more. I knew we were both wondering whether this would be the last time for six months and more. And then we had to hurry through shaving and dressing, so as not to be late for Elise and Kelly.

Kelly had waited for me, for some reason, Once we had started, she said, "Today's the day you're meeting with Pastor Mac, isn't it?"

"That's right."

"I know it doesn't necessarily mean a lot to you, but I've been praying for you and Ellen, every day. And I'll pray when I eat lunch, that your meeting will go well. And for God's will to be done in it all, whether that's the things you're hoping for or not."

"It does mean a lot to me. At worst, it won't hurt, and at best it may help us. If there really is someone to hear and answer, then that last part really is important, too. And no matter what, it means a lot that you care enough about us to be concerned about this." I took her arm for just a moment. "Thank you."

After a brief pause, she said, "I know what you and Pastor Billings talked about, when you asked him for advice. And I'm a little puzzled about one point. I guess I can sort of see why a pastor might ask, um, require a couple to not have sex before they were married. But he said something like, if he were counseling you two, as non-Christians, he wasn't sure what he would say about that. Why would that make a difference?"

I said, "Remember, he said it, not me. I'm having to speculate. But look. By almost anybody's understanding, some of the commands in the Bible are specifically for believers. Or for Israel, in the Old Testament. For God's people. That's not to say that they're bad rules for others to follow, of course. But consider circumcision, for example.

"Or, a little less obviously, consider the Sabbath. A ground for it is given at the time of creation, saying God set the seventh day apart because he rested on that day. And when the commandment is given in the Ten Commandments, in Exodus 20, that's the reason given. But in Deuteronomy 5, when Moses gave those commandments again, that one is given as a reminder that they had been slaves in Egypt, and that God had delivered them from that. In other words, the day of rest was to remind them of the end of that slavery, and of the one who had freed them.

"In Exodus 31, when that command is given again, it is again grounded in creation, but it is said to be specifically a sign between God and Israel, that God rested on the seventh day. And then, in Romans 14, Paul certainly seems to have meant that no specific day was holier than any other specific day. It's possible that he didn't have the Sabbath in mind, but I would judge that he did.

"So were gentiles, the goyim, bound by the commandment for the Sabbath? It's kind of up for grabs. Circumcision, and say the sabbath year and the jubilee, clearly seem intended for Israel, but no one in his right mind regards the commandments against murder and adultery as anything short of universally applicable.

"Then, in the New Testament, there are instructions such as turning the other cheek and loving enemies. Some read those as universal commands, but most would see these as specifically for Jesus' disciples. 'For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.' It's hard for me to read a universal command into that. I say that even if it's a good way to behave and live for everyone—and even though application to complex situations is a complicated mess—even for believers.

"So what category does sexual abstinence before marriage fit into? I don't know. If I do become a believer, is this an area where I'm going to really have to repent? From almost the beginning, I saw that my, um, enthusiastic enjoyment of opportunities that came to me was almost a training program for promiscuity even after marriage, and that this was a danger to me. I'm sorry, this really is a live issue for me!

"I don't know whether or not that's what Pastor Billings had in mind, and I don't know what Pastor Mac may say. Ellen and I have agreed, though, that if he—or some other pastor we go to in this—seems to us acceptable otherwise and demands this, we will absolutely not go shopping for someone with less stringent requirements. We're both kind of afraid of it, but if it comes to that we will do our best to live it out. Our last words on the subject were about who would be sleeping on the couch if it comes to that and sharing a bed is too difficult."

Kelly took my arm and held it for longer than we usually allowed ourselves, as we ran. "Phil, please, let me know, that or whatever else is hard, so I can pray. Thank you for being willing to tell me about it. You two mean more to me than I can tell you."

Very soon after that, Ellen and Elise slowed down to a walk, and we did too as we reached them. We didn't dawdle about starting to walk home, Ellen saying that we were still behind in studying and that we had a full day ahead. As we parted ways with Kelly, she said to Ellen, "I was saying to Phil that you two mean a lot to me, more than I think you can be aware of. And you're both models for me, more than you can know. I told him I'll be praying for your meeting this afternoon, but please tell me—I don't know how to say it. If there are things I would want to pray about for you if I knew them, don't hold back from telling me unless there's a reason."