The Humper Game Pt. 05 Ch. 09

She looked at me, and then back at him. "I can think of three, off hand, but—well, they don't bring reservations, but concerns.

"First, there's what he already mentioned. When he's hurt, or sometimes even when something good surprises him, something that's connected with hurts he has undergone, Phil's apt to kind of collapse under the stress, and it takes time and usually some help to put him back together. I just told you about his forgiving Sam, and he did. But for more than a week after that, he was withdrawn and, well, kind of in a fog. I saw some of this, and heard a lot more, and heard from others who were in his classes that his teachers spoke sharply to him about his work. And more happened later with Sam herself, that's too complicated to discuss now. It got better gradually, but I'm concerned. Much the same, when John Goodfriend gave him those books. A happy thing, except that it stirred up an old grief, and he withdrew into himself.

"Please understand, I hope we can work through things somehow so that this doesn't happen so easily, but if I'm the one who has to be there to put him back together from time to time, I'll count it a privilege.

"Second, a potential problem. He likes people, but in particular he likes women. He has promised faithfulness to me, and he will keep that promise. But I'm afraid that dealing with a small amount of temptation just from seeing so many women who attract him—and probably more since some will flirt with him and maybe seriously set out to seduce him—all of that is going to be a strain on him.

"And, honestly, the qualities that make me love him attract most women who get to know him at all, to the point where they fall in love with him. Or they're strongly attracted, anyway. At least, the kind of women he could be tempted by.

"And third, because he's so caring and giving, he sometimes hesitates to take charge when he really needs to. Not always! When he sees something as a matter of principle, he puts his foot down and stands firm. But sometimes this is a problem. I love it that he cares for me so much that he will put aside what he wants for me, but I need to know that he won't spoil me.

"I can't think of any others."

Pastor Mac looked steadily at us. I gave Ellen one more squeeze, and then sat back more in my own chair. After a bit, he made some notes, and then said, "Phil, your turn. Why do you want to marry Ellen?"

"I'm not sure of the best way to answer that, quite honestly. Part of it involves things at school, which we'll have to tell you about but which, as Ellen said, are really, really complicated to explain. Anyway, here goes.

"In school, for three years, we knew each other to say hello to, but really not much more. We did see each other interacting with others, so we had some knowledge, but we were tracked into different groups. Ellen' classes were generally a little bit more advanced and faster moving. And she was athletic in most every way, a standout in gymnastics in particular. She's a wonderful singer, too, though I didn't know that then, but I knew she had lots of talents I totally lack.

"Then, at a certain point, we were thrown together by lot as partners in a game, and Ellen had to decide what to do. And she decided to give me a chance to get to know her. Too much background required to say more now. But she let me catch her in this game, when she could easily have eluded me. And she continued to pursue that relationship thereafter. She called me Phil instead of Morris—and there, you only went by first names with pretty close friends, and only after you'd both agreed to. Much later, she told me that it was because she was falling in love with me and kind of giddy over it, and she hadn't meant to. But from my point of view, a young woman who was at least as beautiful as anyone I knew, who was elegant and intelligent and out of my league in every way there is, made herself my friend, and wanted me as a lover.

"As I got to know her better, I saw her generosity and kindness, her moral determination, things like that, all in action. She values truth the way I do, too. That's how I hurt her so badly she wouldn't even listen to me.

"Now, there was a point last summer—. Um. Before I say that, I have to say something else. You haven't asked about it yet, and again there are complications I'm leaving out, but it's definitely going to come up. We're living together, and we've been sexually involved for most of the past year. Now. Leaving out why for now as too complicated, though it's important, in June something happened that frightened Ellen. She wanted me, but she was afraid. She was afraid at first that if she even let me hold her to comfort her, it would wind up with us in bed, and that if that happened she would just push her worries away without dealing with them. Ellen, is that a fair summary?"

"Yes. I don't think I could have done it that well, without going on for half an hour giving details."

"OK. I promised her that not only would I not ask her to make love to me, I wouldn't make love to her until she had settled her doubts, even if that meant forever. And she hadn't done that until after she had moved in here, sometime in the week before I did. But her doubts, questions, fears, those were all a reflection of her honesty and love of the truth. This case is something we'll have to tell you about in detail, for other reasons as well, but I can't just leave it out now, because part of what I love about her is this. She had something she desperately wanted, and had reason to question whether it was right for her to take it, and it was tearing her apart. But she insisted on setting it aside, hard as that was on both of us, until she could get things straight. I'm sorry that's all so abstract. It wasn't abstract, as it happened, let me tell you.

"Now, I need to confess here, that in many ways, what I've said applies to one other woman pretty much equally. Sam was mostly in my classes, and we had three years of her harassing me at every opportunity, but after she changed she's kind of in the same category Ellen is. If they were both here, I would have trouble choosing between them. Ellen is here, Sam is heading in other directions, and Sam is cheering us on. And will continue to do so. So that's a non-issue, but it needs to be mentioned.

"And did I say, Ellen loves me? Really, really deeply?"

I sat and waited as Pastor Mac made a lot more notes of some kind. Finally he said, "And what faults do you see in Ellen?"

"I can really only come up with one, I think. We've mentioned to some people, I don't think we've said it to you so explicitly. We both think of the commitment we want to make to each other in terms of the traditional wedding vows—partly, anyway. Ellen was the first to express it in those terms, but I agree strongly. Anyway, one of those is kind of out of fashion these days, and that's the woman promising to obey. We've talked a lot about what that needs to mean, by the way. And we are both trying to live out those vows now. Anyway, there's not really much question of interpretation about most of them. 'Cleave to her only, forsaking all others' is pretty clear-cut, I think. But obeying is a little fuzzier. She's not supposed to be routinely telling herself something like, 'Oh, he really doesn't understand. If he understood, he wouldn't have said that, he would have said thus-and-so, so I really don't need to do what he said.' What I say is supposed to really mean something to her, whatever she wants. But on the other hand, she's not supposed to be stupidly doing anything I say, without questioning if I seem to be telling her to do something really dumb or insane. Or especially if I tell her to do something wrong.

"So I hesitate to mention this, because she works hard to do it right. But I've told her, if I ask her to do certain kinds of things and she wants something different, she needs to tell me so that I can reconsider. What she wants is something I should be taking into account, but sometimes I don't know what she wants. But she has a little tendency to want to ignore her own wishes in cases like that, to go with what I want regardless.

"That's so abstract that I'll give you an example. She asked me how I would feel about a change in her grooming in her intimate areas. Um. At school, there were strict and explicit standards for that, so that there was uniformity. And I had to tell her, I don't know, try it and I'll see. But I also had to say this, and she found it kind of hard to get straight—because she wanted me to tell her what to do. I said, it's your body. And for example, I'll say, Ellen, please continue to shave your legs and underarms. But I expect you to take that strong—and strongly expressed—preference into account. But then, it's your body and your decision.

"I appreciate her wanting to please me in this kind of thing, as well as more important ones. I appreciate it more than I can say. But there are decisions I need to leave in her hands. Anyway, that's a hard line to walk, and she mostly does it well, but I worry a little that she'll obey when she should question sometimes."

He made more notes. Finally, he said, "I wish everyone who came to me wanting to be married were as straightforward as you've been about many things. But then there are all the things about your school, which you've swept under the rug so far. You've said we'll get to them, but it sounds like it may take a while.

"In the meantime, there are a few things we should discuss. Let's start with my own requirements. From whatever time we begin counseling until the wedding, I will require you to attend Sunday services. Here, when you are in town, or in a church wherever you are. I would ask that you try to attend a Bible-believing church, when you are away, but I know this can be difficult to determine when you're in an unfamiliar place. Is this acceptable to you?"

I said, "Yes, in general. I can imagine circumstances which may make this difficult or even impossible. We may be traveling, in transit, at suitable times. For example, in upcoming weeks, during the Christmas break, we intend to visit first Ellen's family and then mine, and they are across the country from each other. Our schedule isn't set yet, but it won't be entirely under our control. Or we may be in a city somewhere without reasonable transportation. I raise these not to find excuses, but rather than make an absolute commitment we may not be able to keep."

"That shouldn't be a problem. I'll ask that you let me know, should such circumstances arise—simply for the sake of accountability.

"I'll insist on a minimum of six counseling sessions, not counting this one. I have a feeling that you are going to require more. I suspect that you have already considered some things that normally take a lot of time, but from the frequency with which you've pled complications of circumstances at your high school, some areas will require a lot more time than I would normally allow. When are you planning to get married?"

"That's not firm, but we hope to make it soon after classes end in the spring. Early June, most likely. Probably on a Saturday—that's most common, isn't it? In order to make it as easy as possible for most guests to be there, I assume."

"That's right. Check with the secretary about what's available, as soon as we're done here if you have time, but make your plans as soon as possible as well. June fills up fast, and some people plan more than a year in advance.

"Now, here is the item most likely to raise objections. I know it will be quite difficult, as you're already living together. I would like you to stop having sexual relations, from now until the wedding."

He paused. I looked at Ellen, and then said, "Pastor, I don't think we mentioned that while we were with Uncle John and Aunt Sally, we met briefly with Pastor Billings, to ask for his advice. Advice as to whom to talk to about this, for one thing, but he also gave us some ideas about what to expect. I should add that we didn't consider him as a possible man to officiate only because it's awfully far to go that frequently. So we had already expected that you might ask us to attend your church, for example, and agreed that this was not unreasonable and not a problem.

"He also mentioned this as something we might expect. He said that he didn't normally marry nonbelievers, but that if we had come to him he might make an exception on that. He said that his reason is that he feels the need to counsel based on scripture, and this is difficult with nonbelievers, but his previous discussion with me had led him to think he might consider working with us. And he said that he normally required what you just said, complete sexual abstinence, and that he wasn't sure whether he would apply that, if he were working with us, because we aren't Christians.

"Now, in passing, I said to you up front that we aren't believers, and I assume that this isn't an insurmountable obstacle in your case. And I note that in speaking of the other two points, you used the words 'require' and 'insist,' but in this context you said you 'would like' us to do this.

"Because Pastor Billings mentioned it, we discussed it—briefly, since last week was very busy, but we did discuss it. We're very reluctant to do this, for many reasons that I'm sure you understand, but we agreed that if you were otherwise acceptable to us and you insisted on that, we would not go looking for someone more lenient on this point. If we must do this, we will find it very, very difficult. At this point finding another apartment for one of us is not really feasible, and that dimension of our relationship is very important to us. We agreed that if you wished to insist on it, we would seek to convince you otherwise, but then abide by your decision." I looked at Ellen, and she nodded.

"So I must ask, is the difference in wording an accident, or is this non-negotiable from your perspective? Though 'negotiate' is probably not the right term here. You will have noted that I have already said that we will abide by your decision, if this is something you truly require. Or commit ourselves and do our best, at any rate. Is this something open to further discussion?"

He beamed. "Kelly has spoken of your care in interpretation, and I'm pleased to see it in action. And at this point howls of protest are common, and you've merely asked moderately and politely for further discussion. I'm pleased with you in all that. Thank you.

"You're correct, to a point. You have a sexual relationship which has run, what, almost four months now? But that doesn't take account of your prior activity, during your senior year of high school, which you are going to have to tell me about eventually. For all of that time you have been living together?"

"Not exactly. I'm sorry, everything about us is more complicated than it looks, I fear.

"We moved into separate apartments at the end of August, in my case the Friday of Labor Day weekend, Ellen a week earlier. You could say that we were almost living together, between the two units, which were a floor apart. We were mostly using mine, but not quite exclusively, but we were eating and sleeping together. And studying together.

"Then, we had the misunderstanding Ellen spoke of earlier, in mid-October. She fled to her apartment, and I stayed in mine, that one night. She came in the next afternoon to begin removing her things from my apartment." I looked at Ellen. "I convinced her to listen to me a little, and she investigated and found that I was telling the truth."

Ellen said, "That's a fair way to put it. Maybe too generous to me."

"I fear we'll need to go through that incident in detail at some point, and I'm not looking forward to it. But at any rate, we discussed, and agreed that she would in fact move in completely, and she called the management company the next day, which was Wednesday, and by Saturday evening she had turned her apartment back over to them. So, before that we were sharing two apartments, in effect living together but not announcing that to the world at large. Since then, we're in one apartment."

He said, "I think a simple 'yes' would have been perfectly adequate. Kelly says you consider details absolutely important, and overwhelm her with them if she and Ellen let you. In many ways that's a virtue, but please, try to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant details here, Phil.

"My position is this. If you were believers, I would insist on this, and if you wouldn't agree to this I would tell you to go elsewhere. Of course, some agree with no intention of doing what they've said, and if I become aware of it I refuse to go further. And some agree and fall, and then we must deal with that, but it's different.

"As you're not believers, I don't insist, but I do call on you to do this anyway. I urgently ask it, if you will. If you are going to live as husband and wife, you don't need me, or a marriage license, to do so. You can live out the commitment you wish to make without my assistance, and you can broadcast it to the world at large. But if you are going to insist on a ceremony, you really should make it meaningful by having it inaugurate a change.

"It seems, to me anyway, clear enough in scripture that some kind of ceremony was used almost from the beginning, and that this was part of what made a marriage. Yes, in the creation account and in the Old Testament in general, the word translated 'wife' is just the word meaning 'woman,' but context generally makes it clear enough. Especially, in a few places the word is used in contrast with words indicating a concubine, so it is simply not the case that any woman a man lives with is a wife.

"If you wish to demur, you are going to have to plead something other than discomfort, I think. In a case such as yours, I'm willing to listen to argument. Reasoned argument. Are you going to make one, and if so, what?"

Ellen and I looked at each other. I put my arm around her and hugged her, then took her hand. "Ellen, dearest, are you still willing to abide by my decision in this?"

She looked very unhappy, but she wasn't crying. "Phil, with you, anything. And I meant it when I said I'm through saying no to you in this. I just hope I'm strong enough. I'm pretty sure you are, but I don't know about myself."

I turned to Pastor Mac. "Pastor, if I were a believer, I'd be saying, 'I don't see how we can do this, but with God's help we will.' I hope that God is there and will provide help, even without our trust in him. I fear Ellen's overestimating my strength. The other time we told you about, up until the day I moved into that apartment, I always had another woman, or more than one. We'll need to tell you about that, too. But I hope we don't fall, or if we do it's not a spectacular crash."

He sat looking at us for a long moment more. Finally he said, "I'm pleased at your choice, and I and others will pray for you. I know it will be terribly hard, and it's not fair for me to say that your previous choices make it so. That's an oversimplification, anyway."

He looked at his clock. "If I understood you correctly, we have a few more minutes before you must leave. I'd like to ask you a few questions about your school, and not the kind of things you've been dodging or at least tabling." He paused, but went on after a moment when we didn't speak. "Kelly has told me a little of what you said about it, and I can't help wondering if it's—." And to my utter astonishment, he gave the name of the school.

I said, "That's it. They try to keep such a low profile that no one would know that, but obviously they failed in this case."

"I rather thought it must be. A close friend—a former close friend, I suppose, since he is now entirely out of touch with me—went there to be part of the instructional staff. Are you familiar with John Miles?"