The Knowing Ch. 06

Jaan wasn't tired but he went up to his room and lay on his bed, fully clothed. So this was it. His Senior year was over. He was playing basketball in a local league over the summer to keep himself busy, along with a job at a gas station not too far away. He'd be off to Parson's in August to study Design and Technology, and then...?

Thoughts flowed in and out of Jaan's head unbound. He thought about Santos in her red dress sitting on Jeremy's lap at Prom. He thought about fucking Katey in the back seat of his car 2 hours ago. He thought about the last time his mother ever saw his father. He thought about what his roommate might be like at Parson's. He thought about the scar Santo's had on the inside of her elbow and how ugly she thought it was. He thought about how she might fail her math class. He thought about what he could eat in the morning for breakfast. He thought about Santo's handwriting, sloppy, and careless in the back of his Trig notebook, I EAT BOOGERS, she wrote. He thought about Santo's sweaty smiling face in the reserved books room when he had fucked her there sometime last year. He thought about Santo's drinking hot tea and burning her tongue. He thought about Santos, he thought about Santos, he thought about Santos.

Eventually he was woken up by his mother as she left the house. She kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair. His eyes opened, and he looked at his mother's dark hair and blue eyes in the early morning light.

"I'll miss you." She said kissing him one more time before heading out the door.

He couldn't go back to sleep. He had maybe slept an hour tops but now he was awake, his mind lumbering from unorganized thought to thought. He went downstairs, poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat at the kitchen table.

The doorbell rang.

It was early, not yet 6, but Jaan figured it was his mom, she had probably forgotten something in the house. Jaan ran over to the door opening it a joke on his lips when he saw not his mother, but Santos on his front porch leaning a bike against the railing. She looked up at him. She was still in her prom clothes, her hair a bit messed up, but he was still moved by how good she looked to him. He had never seen her in high heels before, and the gold shoes she wore reflected in the morning light. She still didn't look like herself, but Jaan could not deny that she looked good.

He opened the door wider and she walked in timidly, looking at him over her shoulder but saying nothing. Jaan closed the door and walked back to the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table to continue eating his cereal. He was trying to remain calm. All he wanted to do was grab her, to squeeze her but he would wait. She came there for a reason.

She was silent as he sat and she stayed standing in the doorway of the kitchen staring at him.

"You didn't say hi to me at Prom." She said softly. Jaan looked at her and shrugged, eating two spoonful's of his cereal. She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot her eyes roaming around his kitchen. She took a step closer to the table, and then another one, until she was standing right beside his chair.

"I never wanted you to go Jaan" she said.

Jaan looked up at her, she was standing right beside him, her body was practically touching his. He reached up and put a hand on her waist. The fabric of her dress was thin and silky. He ran a hand against the fabric on her thigh slowly, and she sighed so deeply, so fully, that he knew he was wrong when he thought she was done with him. He moved his hand around her waist, palming her ass and her thigh before moving it back to her waist.

"You never asked me to stay either." He answered and continued the slow movements with his hand.

"You were the one that— "

"I know." he said cutting her off. He leaned his head up against her belly and kissed her over the fabric of her dress. He wanted her to touch him, but she stood still with her arms at her side.

"I— " She started, but Jaan could sense she was scared. He looked up at her, and encircled his arms around her waist and arms holding her there. She looked down at him, pulling both her arms up and finally touching him, pulling her hands through his thick hair and then running her finger nails over his scalp. She held his face in his hands and then leaned down and kissed his lips softly. "I want you to fuck me." She said.

Jaan was suddenly furious. He stood quickly knocking his chair over and grabbed both of her arms behind her back with one of his. "You want me to fuck you?" he asked her angrily. She looked up at him and nodded holding his gaze steady, "You came here at 6 o'clock in the morning to ask me to fuck you?"

Jaan pushed her down onto the table so that her chest pressed flat against it while he held her arms behind her back. Her body landed against the table with a thud, the box of cereal that still lay on the table jumped up and then fell off the side. He lifted up her dress and slapped her ass hard.

"This is what you want isn't it?" He slapped her ass again, but she was silent. He lifted her dress up and pulled down her underwear roughly, exposing her ass and pussy to the air. She was so wet already that her wetness was running down her thigh. He stuck two fingers there, picking up the wetness and then put the fingers in her ass. Her knees buckled slightly, Jaan held her up with his free arm while he began moving his fingers in and out of her tight asshole.

"It was always this wasn't it?" Jaan could see her face pressed into the table. Her eyes closed shut. He couldn't tell if she liked it or not, her breathing was hard, labored, and he knew she wouldn't tell him the truth if he didn't ask, she would take what he gave her, and that suddenly made him angrier. Jaan let go of her arms and slapped her ass again, the fingers of his other hand sliding in and out of her ass, he rubbed his erection against her body. He could hear the heaviness of her breathing but she wasn't speaking. He slapped her again, harder, This time taking his free hand and using it to unbuckle his pants and pull his dick through the hole.

Jaan spit into his hand, rubbing it onto his dick. He withdrew his fingers from her ass and quickly replaced it with his dick, shoving it inside of her while squeezing her waist. Santos screamed into the back of her throat, refusing to open her mouth. Jaan pushed all the way into her holding her waist so tight he could feel the sharpness of her bones through her skin. He pumped in and out slowly. Her asshole was tight and smooth, the sensation so unbelievable that he thought he might cum immediately. Santos was still bent over her chest flat on the table and Jaan could see the side of her face, her eyes shut tight, tears forming at the corner of them. Jaan pumped harder, sliding in and out of her ass his balls tightening, the tingling beginning.

"Tell me," he grunted out, "Tell me if this is hurting you." He was moving faster now, pushing in, out, in, out, at a rhythm that was nearing a sprint. Santos was quiet. The tears were falling now, over the side of her nose and onto the table, Jaan watched the tears as he pumped into her, unable to slow down.

"Does this hurt?" Jaan asked again. She was silent, her hands gripping the edge of the table besides her body. Jaan's pace was beginning to make the table creak under their weight. Her eyes were closed shut, the tears continued to fall, and though he could hear her breathing, even her whimpers and moans, she still wouldn't answer him. Jaan had fucked her ass on two other occasions, each time they had gone slowly, talked extensively, and mostly tried it out for a few minutes before stopping. Jaan had always been so afraid of hurting her, though he knew on some level she liked it, he knew that she liked it when he hurt (something he always resented).

Jaan slapped her ass hard, slapping her each time harder and harder as he fucked her, "Answer me!" he was yelling as he slapped her, his hand coming down on her ass harder than he had ever hit her before. He slapped her ass again, "Answer me!" he could hear her now, she was crying out right, the sounds coming to him through his own haze of anger and pressure. He didn't know what to do, but he couldn't stop, and he was angry, angrier than he had ever been with her before. Angry because he was pretty sure he was hurting her, and he was pretty sure she was enjoying it. He felt sick, but he kept going her moans and cries mingling sounding almost indistinguishable. He was turned on, the sight of her face pressed into the table, her dress hiked up all the way over her ass, exposing some of her smooth skin, he touched her back, palmed it heavily and reached below her to grab her breast laying his whole body on top of her back as he fucked her.

"Tell me Santos, tell me if I'm hurting you." He said into her ear. He held onto her breast and fucked her in rigid quick motions, he was going to come soon. She looked back over her shoulder at him. Their faces so close their noses touched. She was going to cum. Her eyes were glazed over, and she looked at him, her gaze unfocused her mouth slightly open. He had to cross his eyes to look at her properly they where that close.

"Tell me," he said leaning his face into hers and brushing his lips against hers lightly. She pushed her forehead into his and came loudly, crying out to him in a mass of gibberish, the only word that Jaan could make out clearly was the word no. She went nearly limp when she came down, closing her eyes and regulating her breathing. It took Jaan almost no time to cum after that, pouring fully into her ass. It took him a moment to steady himself and pull out of her. He watched his cum slide out of her body, the translucent whiteness of his semen radiant against her skin. Stuffing his dick back into his pants he walked over to the kitchen sink to get a paper towel and clean her off. She still lay bent against the table, breathing shallowly, he kneeled there, behind her, and cleaned her ass off. Whipping off his cum, and then cleaning the sweat from in between her legs. He touched her vagina softly. She was still wet.

Standing up he threw the paper towel in the garbage, and then grabbed Santos by the waist. Pulling her up to stand. He stood still behind her, and she leaned her head back settling it against his shoulder, exposing her throat to him. Her eyes were closed, and she was still breathing raggedly. She leaned her body fully into him, and Jaan picked her up, walking her over to his living room and setting her down on the couch. He stood staring at her laying there, on his couch. The morning sun let him see her clearly in her red dress, her hair a mess, her breathing still labored and uneven.

How was it possible for him to still be in love with this girl? After everything? How was it still possible for him to want her? What was he supposed to do now? Where could they go after this?

After a moment, she opened her eyes and looked at him. Jaan knelt beside the couch and she held his gaze, her look soft but wary, he pulled up her dress up again and put his head between her legs, thinking off handedly of her underwear on the floor in his kitchen.

So she wouldn't speak to him, he was sure in that moment, that as much as he loved her, and as much as he hoped she loved him there was a part of her, a large a part, that she would not let him see. As Jaan tasted her, licked in between her legs, listened to her moans, and felt her desire seeping into his mouth her, he was suddenly hopeful. Hadn't she sought him out? They hadn't talked for months, but she had showed up at his doorstep at 6 in the morning for him. He was the one she thought about, he was the one she needed in a way that Jaan knew only he could provide.

As he licked, kissed and sucked the center of her body he could feel her cumming into him over and over again. Whispering his name, her finger nails grazing over his scalp. Jaan kissed her thighs, brown, slightly darker than the rest of her body, he went back to her core, where she was wet, her pussy glistening, her clit swollen. He licked her, sucked her, hardening as she whispered his name over and over again like a chant. He felt for a minute that with this act, they might lose themselves in each other. Her hands on his scalp had a numbing affect, he felt out of his body with her, but still connected. She came again, and again and again. Each time with a shake that had her calling out to him. Jaan kissed his way up to her mouth and she seized him there, wrapping her legs around him, kissing him fully, frantically, tasting herself in his mouth and lapping up her juices that lay on his chin. Jaan slid himself into her easily and she cried into his mouth.

"Jaan" she said breathed on every exhale. He wrapped himself into her, tightening his arms around her and pushing into her slowly. Time and place melted around them, Jaan felt bodiless. He had no conception of his limbs, just the part of himself that was connected to her. Neither of them had any idea of how long the remained connected. They came together, as they often did when they first started having sex. Jaan would never again be so sexually synched with another human being.

As they lay there, regaining understanding of their body parts one by one, Jaan stayed tightly fused to her. Even as his dick softened inside her he remained tightly joined to her, her head in his chest, his arms wrapped tight around her body. Even as she began to stir, signaling that she wanted to get up, he held onto her. The hopefulness, the moment of chance he felt earlier had quickly turned to despair. This was it.

Jaan kissed the side of her head longingly, her sweat crystalizing on his lips. He licked it off, tasting her body with it, and then the particular combination their bodies made on his lips. He stroked her hair slowly and she breathed into him, relaxing her body into his and allowing Jaan total intimacy. It had been so long since he held her like this, after sex, the few moments when she was totally bare to him. The few moments before she got up, or rolled over, when she let him love her totally.

Jaan could never forgive himself for loving her that deeply. Even now as he sat at his dining room table watching Marlena pull things out of the fridge, he couldn't handle the way he felt about her. When he got a little bit older, a few years after he graduated from high school, he started to see the whole affair as something to be ashamed of. He had acted like an obsessive little girl with a schoolyard crush. Pining, panting after someone who only gave enough of themselves to keep him wanting more. He saw himself as less of a man for having fallen so deeply for that girl. It scared him- terrified him- to realize that that had never gone away. That he could see her ten years later and suddenly feel himself teetering on the edge of insanity.

He saw her two more times after the morning in his living room. Once in the cafeteria a week before graduation, and then once more the day before graduation, walking in the center of town with her little brother. After that, nothing. She hadn't walked at graduation, and she all but disappeared from town.

Jaan later found out from Sanchez that she had failed her math class, and had ended up in some other school district for the summer to make it up. But besides for that, for 10 years he had heard nothing.

Now he focused on Marlena. This was what he wanted. He closed his eyes tight and listened to the sound of her voice, the lull, the sweet cadence of her words. He opened his eyes and watched her, Marlena, he repeated to himself, Marlena, Marlena, Marlena.

But there still, underneath the beat of his heart, in the cold depths of his mind there she stayed. Lying in wait as always. Santos.