The New Owners - 02 February

What if they can hear? Oh G_d, just the idea of it makes me feel sick. And excited. What if they know every time I use Kendal? They would know that I always do it when they are having sex. And they would know when I come because the buzzing would stop. Oh, now I want to go use him again, but what if they CAN hear? Well, it is 1:45. They have to be asleep by now. And besides, they probably can't hear.

Sat, Feb 19, 00

Woken up by my bj alarm clock again. Grrr. I think I am going to have to try to get to sleep earlier on weekends if this is how it going to be. It's not fair. They are my only two days when I get to sleep in and I have to start my day listening to them doing what I only dream about.

Trish came up and asked if I wanted to come down for tea but I told her I was going out. She said she hoped I wasn't offended by anything the other day and of course I pretended I didn't know what she was talking about. Then she asked if I wanted to come for dinner tonight so I said I was busy. So now I have to go out all day. Guess I'll go visit Mom and Dad.

Sun, Feb 20, 00

I was using Kendal this morning and there was a knock on the door. The inside door. I put on my robe expecting it to be Trish wanting something but it was Ryan. He said that he was trying to watch TV but kept getting interference and was wondering if I was using an electrical appliance that might be causing it. I said no but then realized it must be Kendal and immediately became totally flustered and asked if it happens a lot. He said yes, but it would just start and go for a while and then it would be fine, which is why he thought it might be an appliance. He asked if I would mind if he checked back when it happens to see if he can find the problem. Why don't they just get cable? So am I supposed to stop using him because they can't watch TV? But how can I use him if Ryan is going to come over every time? Maybe I should just move. But I like this apartment.

Mon, Feb 21, 00

Diane sent me an e-mail today asking how I am cause we haven't talked in a while. I just don't have the energy to listen to her right now. I think this whole thing with Trish is getting to me and it is not like I can tell Diane about it so it would just be her complaining about her silly problems and me pretending everything was okay.

I felt weird using Kendal now that I know it might be making their tv go weird. I ALWAYS use him as soon as I get home. Its how I relax. I guess I kind of look forward to it when I am having a bad day, like my reward for getting through it. I tried but could not relax knowing that it might make their tv screw up. I don't know if I would have been able to relax enough to finish cause I was starting to get sensitive but then Trish came up and knocked. I tried to ignore it but she kept knocking so I had to get up and answer it. She said their tv was screwed up and would I come down for tea. I told her I was busy and that I had plans but she kept asking and I am so horrible at telling people 'no', so I went down. I was really mad that I couldn't finish with Kendal and I guess I was sort of blaming her even though it wasn't her fault - once I knew her tv was screwing up I would never have been able to relax enough. Anyway, it wasn't too bad. I mean, I would rather have been relaxing with Kendal, but it was still okay. She asked me about work and let me complain about that for a while. She still had that superior smile, but I think that is just her way. I can't decide if I like her or not. She talks too loud, but she is kind of fun. I guess it doesn't help that the whole time we are talking I am picturing what she does at night. She was wearing a scoop-necked T-shirt that showed huge amounts of cleavage and it reminded me of what Ryan was doing between them the other night and I kept picturing that while I was talking to her, being sure not to look down when she could catch me. G_d, I am so pathetic, sneaking peaks at her boobs like a guy. And even worse, coming home and fantasizing that she catches me peeking and makes fun of me.

I am becoming a little obsessed with them. Its like it is the only thing I look forward to every day and I think about it at work all the time. I guess that is why I let her talk me into going down for tea. I don't really think she is a very nice person but it seems like every time I see her something happens that gives me more to fantasize about at night.

Tue, Feb 22, 00

There IS something going on with Trish! I got home about quarter past 7 and she came up at 7:30 and asked if I wasn't coming down for tea. When I said I didn't know she looked disappointed and said she had been waiting for me. What, like now we have a date every night or something? What if I don't feel like going for tea every night?

Then when I was leaving she told me to come for tea again tomorrow as soon as I got home. I told her I had an appointment but she asked what time I would get home and said 8:00 would be fine. Like when am I supposed to eat? I told her I would have to see but she said "please" like she really wanted me to. I tried to stick up for myself and just said "We'll see" again but she just said "please" again even more insistently and I just knew I would not get away without a fight so I said I would. ___

We just finished our nightly ritual. I think they were having intercourse and I kept pretended she was getting fucked from the back while she held out her boob to me and asked if I wanted some milk. Then, when I admitted I did, she teased me with it and told me I was a sick lezzy pervert and laughed at my humiliation. So I guess maybe seeing her nurse does turn me on more than I admitted.

Am I a lezzy? I don't think so. I mean, I do have those fantasies where I am forced to do things to women, but I think they are exciting because I am NOT a lesbian and find it disgusting, not because I like women.

Wed, Feb 23, 00

I am really starting to wonder if I should keep seeing Margaret. We just talk about the same old stuff and I don't have the guts to talk about the things that are really bugging me these days. I mean, I got almost no sleep last night wondering if am a lesbian and I don't even have the guts to talk to my therapist about it. I wish I did have someone I could talk to but I really could never tell anyone about all the sick things I think about. And the thing is, half the time I think it is entirely in my mind.

I planned on telling Trish I was too tired but she literally pulled me into their apartment. Ryan was there watching television but we stayed in the kitchen and drank our tea. She asked about my day and about things with Todd and told me about hers and then I left. I wonder why it seems so important to her?

Oh, when I was leaving she said "See you tomorrow" like there was no question. I guess I will.

Thu, Feb 24, 00

Trish and I seem to be getting along better now. I told her few days ago about the reflexology course I took and today she said she had had a bad cramp in her foot and asked if reflex work could help it. I couldn't find a knot but I did the best I could and she said it helped. I am supposed to go back and do it again tomorrow.

Its funny how this journal has become more and more just about the new owners. But work as been, well, just there, and I haven't being seeing people much. Everybody sort of hibernates in the winter. And the thing is I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about... I don't even know what to call it. I guess my fantasy. I mean, listening to them is real, but when I am doing it what I am thinking is not real at all. Anyway, I seem to spend way too much time thinking about it. At work, driving to work, in the shower. Part of me hates it but I don't really want to stop. Oh, I don't know.

Fri, Feb 25, 00

I went over after work and instead of answering the door she just yelled "come in". She was in the living room with Alyssa and she asked if I would mind making the tea. So I found a tray and brought it in and as soon as I had poured she asked if I would mind rubbing her feet again so I never even got a sip of mine. She was sitting in an armchair with her feet on a stool so I had to hand her her tea. There was nowhere for me to sit where I could work on her feet so I sat on the floor. Yesterday we were both sitting at the table with her foot on my knee and that just felt like I was doing something nice for her, but today I felt like a servant, fixing her tea and rubbing her feet. And it wasn't about her cramp because she wanted me to do the other one, too. The thing is, I sort of liked the feeling of being her servant. It is a little of the same feeling I get in my fantasy. I was kneeling at her feet rubbing them and she was sipping her tea and looking down at me with that look like she is laughing at me, superior to me, and I started getting turned on. Just rubbing her feet.

I felt like she knew exactly what I was thinking, what was happening to me, and was laughing at how pathetic I was and that just turned me on more. I couldn't even look at her but she did not say anything and it was so uncomfortably quiet and every time I looked up at her she was smirking at me like I was amusing dirt and a little jolt of electricity would go to my hoo-hoo. I know I was blushing but I couldn't do anything but keep on. I couldn't think of anything to say and no way to leave and I felt totally stupid and embarrassed and I tried not to look at her but I kept looking up and then looking away in shame.

It seemed to go on forever. I mean, nothing was said but she must have been able to tell that I was embarrassed. I can't have just imagined the look on her face. I don't know, maybe I could. I have been imagining a lot of weird things recently and she does usually have that condescending smile, so maybe it was just in my head. When she finally broke the silence it was just to tell me that what I was doing felt wonderful and, pulling her shirt and bra up, asked if I minded if she fed Alyssa? Then she lay her head back and closed her eyes. I felt like I was being rewarded for being a good masseuse by being allowed to look at her boobs. I mean, she could not really know the sort of things I have been fantasizing about recently, but that was just how it felt. It was kind of weird that she bared both boobs. After a while she suddenly asked "Have you had enough, Alyssa?" and I realized that her eyes were open and she had been watching me watch Alyssa feed. But she didn't make a fuss and I did not feel nearly so embarrassed as I did the first time she caught me.

But thing is, when I was looking at her big boobs it wasn't like a turn on or anything, so I think maybe I am not an lesbian. I think what I liked was the idea that she would catch me looking and embarrass me. The thing is I hate it when she does that, but I guess it excites me, too, because that is what I fantasize about. I think maybe it is not that she is a woman but the way she looks at me like she is superior. At least, that is what is important in my fantasies. All I know is that sitting on the floor rubbing her feet was totally embarrassing and I hated being like that but it also totally turned me on and I am getting turned on now writing about it and I hope she does it again.

When I was leaving she asked what time I could come tomorrow. Like she knows I will come and just wanted to know when. I didn't know what to say, so I just said 4:00.

Sat, Feb 26, 00

Met Stinky for lunch and it was nice seeing her but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering what will happen when I go down today. How can I hate something so much and want it at the same time? I don't even know what I want. Do I actually want her to embarrass me again? Yeah, I guess I do. Oh, I don't know.

It's almost 4:00 and I am getting more and more nervous. Maybe I like this. But it all feels like things I don't like. Hey Marilyn, maybe you get turned on by something you don't like. Like duh! Big news flash there. G_d, I am such a freak.

Well I can't think of anything else to say so I guess I better go get ready. ___

I feel like I am sliding into a deep black hole. I watch myself take these steps down knowing that I won't be able get out but not able to stop.

When I first got there she just said "hi" and then went back to watching tv like I wasn't even there. I didn't know if I was supposed to make tea or sit down or what so I just sort of stood there feeling awkward. Finally I just said "Well I guess I will go make tea now" and she said "Oh thanks, Marilyn" like it was the most normal thing in the world for me to come in to her apartment to make her tea. After that it was the same as yesterday. She turned the tv off when I got back with the tea and pried her shoes off and it was pretty clear that I was supposed to rub her feet. So I did. I really felt like her maid. I liked pretending that. But it makes me sick to my stomach that I just do what she wants. I guess I like pretending it but it is just so embarrassing to actually do it. To imagine what she must be thinking about me.

She didn't nurse Alyssa today. After a long time she just said "Thanks, Marilyn" and asked me to take her empty cup so she could put her shoes back on. That really made me feel like a servant who was being dismissed. Then she added "See you tomorrow?" and for some reason that was just too much. Like she somehow she knows that she can treat me like that and knows that I will come back for more. It was like a wave of blush crashed over me and my heart started pounding even harder and I got that ringing in my ears and I just couldn't face her so I tried to leave with the tea tray and she said "Marilyn." in this firm tone that told me to stop. It seemed like a long time that I just stood there in the kitchen door trying not to drop the tray because I was shaking, trying to make myself either keep going and get out of there or turn around and face her. Finally she said "Marilyn?" again, like she was mother or a teacher talking to a naughty child and I forced myself to say "yes" but I still couldn't turn around and let her see how upset I was or look her in the eye.

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

I don't know why it was so hard to say "yes", but it was. I think it may have taken me 2 or 3 minutes. But I was stuck. It was like I couldn't go until I had answered her and if I said "yes" it was like this huge thing. And the longer it took for me to answer the bigger a thing it was. I felt so stupid standing there with my back to her holding that tray not answering her. And the thing is, I could feel myself getting so wet which only made it more embarrassing.

Well, I finally managed to make myself say "yes" just to get out of there, she just said "great, see you tomorrow" like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. Her tone when she asked and the huge pause before I answered made it HUGE. Oh, and that I didn't turn around to look at her and she waited for me to answer. And I am not even sure what it meant. I guess it meant that she can expect me to make her tea and rub her feet every day like I am her servant and that I will just do it. And that she can talk to me like am a bad child and I will let her. And will need to run home to use Kendal when she does. I didn't even care about her stupid television, I needed it so bad. I mean, I pretend I ran up the stairs to get away from her but I know what I was really running for. The funny thing is, I only just realized now that it never even occurred to me to say I wouldn't see her tomorrow.

Sun, Feb 27, 00

Couldn't sleep all night. I feel like the idea of going back today is killing me, but I know I will go. I wore out Kendal's batteries last night. I think I better go get more before I go back there. Hah, who am I kidding, I am going to go get them as soon as I finish my coffee and writing this. I think I am becoming some kind of sex addict. I just keep thinking about what has happened and it makes me feel so stupid, pathetic I guess, but I get so turned on and Kendal seems to make both of those feel better. Then I just feel guilty but somehow even that feels good. Maybe not so much guilty as dirty. Oh G_d, I am just so screwed up!

I am still wondering how I am going to be able to go down and face her. I don't know why it is so much worse than yesterday, but it is. maybe because it isn't about rubbing her feet, it is about how she talks to me and looks at me and what she thinks. And that every time I go it seems to be a little worse so I am dreading what she will do today.

I think I really have to go get more batteries now. Nympho. ___

It wasn't so bad today. Basically the same as yesterday. It was still embarrassing acting like her servant, but I guess I am getting used to it. Even when she asked what time I will be coming tomorrow I just told her. Oh, when I was taking the tray back out to the kitchen she said I had forgotten to wash them yesterday. That was probably the most embarrassing thing today and even it wasn't too cause I just went in the kitchen and washed it all. I mean I am already making her tea like her servant so it isn't that big a deal to wash the cup and teapot afterward. And she was still in the living room so she couldn't see me. I did picture her laughing at me because I did it, but she could not see me so it wasn't so bad.

Mon, Feb 28, 00

Oh G_d, I went down after work expecting the same as the last couple of times, but Ryan was there! I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to make her tea with him there? She let me stand there for a minute feeling totally embarrassed before she asked him if he wanted tea. "No thanks". "No thanks"?! I knew she must have told him! How could I do those things with him there? It was hard enough with just her! The whole time the kettle was on I was trying to make myself tell them I had to go, but of course I didn't. So I made her tea and took it out to her and she kicked off her shoes. I really did not want to do it but she kept looking at me with this stern look with her eyebrow raised and then looking at her foot and then back at me with me shaking my head trying to tell her I didn't want to, trying to see out of the corner of my eye if Ryan was watching. Finally she just said, "Marilyn, would you mind doing your reflexology on me?" and somehow that made it okay for me to do it. I guess it made it more like a favour then like she could just expect it. So I did it and then washed up and left. Of course with them both watching tv I could hardly come up and use Kendal, so that was frustrating, but I didn't NEED to like I did yesterday. Still, I hope they get cable soon. Of course it only makes it better when I do get to.

Tue, Feb 29, 00

Ryan was at work today, thank goodness. Trish was wearing a skirt today and while I was doing her feet I got really turned on imagining what she would think if she caught me looking up it. Not that I had any interest in looking up her skirt. I think if I was a lesbian I would want to and I really have no interest. It just made me excited to imagine getting caught doing it. Maybe I will do it some day, just so she can catch me. G_d, you are so weird, Marilyn.

Hey, I wonder if she is a lesbian? I mean, she obviously knows something is going on. It just isn't normal to treat someone you just met the way she treats me. Gross. I sure hope she never wants me to do anything. Yuck! Eeeww. That is just SO disgusting.

When I was washing up she called in that Ryan is off again on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come to dinner. I just know she is going to do something so I said I thought I had something on and would have to check. So now I have to decide what I want to do before I see her again. I feel like a moth with a candle. I just know she is going to hurt me if I go but I want to go anyway. But I don't want to go, too. Especially because Ryan is going to be there. I wish I knew what to expect. Maybe I should see if Diane wants to get together. Oh, but I want to find out what Trish is going to do. I mean part of me doesn't want to know, but part of me can't wait to find out. I just hope it isn't too bad. And I guess there is always the chance that she won't do anything. I guess I'll go.