The Other Tongue

She sighed deeply. Oh, if Ben were just there with her... But he probably didn't care for her that way at all. Maybe he might, if she tried hard to show him she was worth it? But how did one go about it? She could never accost him the way that girl had done. And what if he did? It might be the horrors of her marriage all over again. Maybe men always were like that, just bent on their own pleasure, quick and impatient and rough and overbearing, when push came to shove.

She shook her head. Perhaps he was not worth worrying about? But it didn't feel like that to her at all. She grinned at her image in the mirror a little sadly. Breakfast tomorrow would be nice, anyway.

She went to bed with a heavy heart, but she was so tired with the day's events that she dropped off almost at once. She had some dream that she couldn't quite remember any more when she awoke. She did remember that her watch had been involved, but it wasn't really hers, and it was broken, and it had all taken place in Germany -- she had never been there in her life.

She was up as early as always, and when Ben came into the breakfast room she gave him a warm smile. She poured him some coffee, and told him she'd played one more CD before she'd gone to bed. She said it had been a beautiful album, too -- but not as devastating as the first one.

Ben agreed, fortunately. The two albums served different purposes, he said. The third one was more like the Peters album.

Then he asked her to have some coffee with him, and she felt happy to sit down at his table for a little talk. To her regret it didn't last long; some older guests came down rather earlier than the day before and made it necessary for her to get up on her feet again.

Ben looked at her do her chores, and he thought to himself how wonderful she was. Beautiful, pleasant...desirable. But very difficult somehow. He wished he knew what it was that made her so tense at times. He finished his breakfast slowly, enjoying the food and the coffee and the atmosphere of quiet contentment. If only he lived closer by...

After breakfast Jill showed him the walk on the map. It was another loop that would take him to the cliffs but it went there through some beautiful fields with one very special view.

"You don't have a chance to come along?"

"I'm afraid not. Not now things are so busy... But I can play the third CD. That'll be nice, too -- though not as good as a walk." With you, she added mentally, but she didn't dare voice her thoughts.

"Pity! I'd love to do it together with you. Oh well, see you again tonight. Have a nice day!"

He folded the map and set off. It was quite warm, but there was a light breeze that made it feel less so. He'd carefully applied a lot of sun blocker, and he had a hat in his trouser pocket. It proved to be a good idea; before long the day grew so hot that he had to protect his face.

He had lunch at a pub in a small village near the coast, and then he walked along the cliffs for nearly two miles. He loved the sparkle of the sun on the water, and the sound of the waves rolling in. The only thing that was seriously missing was Jill's company. He wished it were spring so her B&B was empty -- but he wasn't so sure she'd have come along then. He shook his head.

Then he addressed himself to his walk again. Jill had chosen another great walk. It had a very short part in common with the one in spring, and he had a cup of tea at the same place. Then he walked back, and he had dinner at the local pub before making his way back to Jill's place.

Jill's day had been as usual; after Ben had left for his walk she had spent another ninety minutes on the breakfast arrangements. The rest of the morning had gone into seeing to the rooms. At Ben's room she found that he had, apparently, bought some books again. She had a quick look at the titles. She knew two of them, and the rest seemed rather nice. No poetry, this time. But of course buying books second hand made for rather different selections all the time.

She spent some of the afternoon reading and listening to the third album. It was a collection of songs about lost love and heartbreak, and she liked it immensely. Ben seemed to have a taste in music quite similar to her own.

She had a light dinner -- some green beans and a piece of chicken pie -- and she had just finished the washing up when Ben arrived. He looked happy and had a nice colour, she thought.

"Hello, Ben," she said. "Did you have a good day? You do look really healthy!"

"It was a marvellous walk. Let me hand you your map before I forget -- it'll save a lot of hassle. Mm, yes. I really enjoyed myself. Pity you couldn't come. Oh well, work comes first. So how was yours?"

"It was okay. I listened to Trisha Yearwood. Another beautiful recording -- but I like the first one best. Mmm, yes. Can I offer you another glass of wine?"

"Yes please. Erm -- give me a few minutes, please. I think I'd better have a shower first, after all that walking. I hate smelling myself."

He climbed the stairs, and Jill went into the kitchen to collect the bottle. She put two glasses ready on the table and waited for Ben to finish his shower.

After about five minutes he knocked on the living room door and came in.

Jill got up and poured the wine. She gave Ben a glass, and he raised it and smiled. It made her feel all warm and happy; her borrowing that CD had eventually made for a couple of pleasant evenings.

Ben took a sip of his wine. "Ah, nice," he said. "So you likeBurnt Toastbest? I think I do, too -- although it does depend on my mood a bit. Mmm."

Jill nodded. "What will you be doing this summer? Will you go on holiday?"

"Yes I will. Just for a week or so; I haven't had the taste for long holidays since Letty died. It's like music; enjoying it together is always better." He was silent for a moment. "I always try to arrange my holidays a couple of months in advance. I have booked a hotel room in Madrid; I'll be flying there in a fortnight."

"Do you speak Spanish?"

"Just about enough to order a meal and buy a museum ticket, not for conversation purposes, I'm afraid. I'd like to visit the Prado, and there are a few other worthwhile places to go to. And then it'll be back to work. Oh well. What about you?"

Jill shook her head. "I am too busy with my B&B. And I don't like going away on my own..." She would love to go and visit Madrid with Ben, she thought. "I haven't gone on a holiday for years."

"And visiting museums, or concerts, or plays?"

"Oh, I do that sometimes. There is a theatre in town that stages something good at times, and when the work allows I go. But that isn't too often." She gave Ben a wry smile.

"Your life seems to be all work and no play. What about the winter months? Are you as busy then?"

"There may be guests at Christmas. It is not too common, though. It took me quite some time to get the place going -- so I'm open most of the time."

All of the time, Ben thought. "You must be proud of what you have achieved so far," he said.

Jill looked at him and thought about it. "I don't know. I never looked at it that way. It does bring in some money. But it is hard work."

"I can see that. You are doing a great job, I think. I feel made very welcome, for one."

He smiled at her, and she blushed. What a pity he lived so far away -- nearly 200 miles, she though. She didn't expect she would ever see or hear from him again after he'd gone. It was really nice to sit together and talk.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm glad. Would you like to hear some more music?"

"Well, maybe you can play me one of your CDs?"

"Which one?"

"One you really care about? It would be nice to know."

Jill felt herself go nervous again. She had a few favourite albums, but she was rather uncertain if they could be considered 'good music.' Maybe he would think her taste was very bad?

She knelt before her collection and thought hard for a moment. Then she took out Lee Ann Womack'sThere's More Where That Came From.

Ben sat looking at the room, waiting for the music to start. Jill looked at him apprehensively as the first bars came from the speakers. He listened for a while without speaking. To her delight he nodded at her in appreciation.

"Very nice! Who is she?"

Jill handed the box to him, and he looked at it with interest. Then he entered the name in his cell phone. He grinned at her.

"I never heard of her," he said. "Beautiful."

He got a happy smile in return. "Yes," she said. "I think so, too."

She sat back in her chair, enjoying the wine, her music and Ben's presence. It felt really good for a change.

Good things never last, and she tried to enjoy every second of their sitting together. It was getting late, and they would have to call it a day soon.

But it was a reasonably long record, and she didn't think he would go to bed before it had ended, so she could at least look at him a little longer. Ben had a special way of sitting when he was listening, she thought. As if the music were important...like it was to her. She smiled at the thought.

After some tracks Ben said, "I hope this album is still available -- I will certainly try to get it. It's always nice to hear new things, especially when they're as good as all this." He looked at her and nodded. He wished Jill wouldn't be so tense, half of the time. It meant he couldn't just tell her what he felt for her, and he badly wanted to. But reducing her to tears was not an inconceivable result of doing so.

He took a sip of his wine and started on a conversation, asking her a few things about her family, and telling her a little about his. After a while Jill asked him what he did for a living, and he told her about the firm he worked for. He was high up enough to decide on his own holidays, which was nice, but he didn't often go.

"So do you try and visit places all over England?"

"Mmm, yes -- but then I try to see something of the surroundings, too. These visits were meant to get an idea of this coastal area together with the town. You never succeed in seeing all you want; but it gives you an impression. This is a very beautiful area."

Jill nodded. "It is," she said. It meant he would probably not come back, if that was the way he worked. The impression he wanted had been achieved... Life seems bent on letting you down.

She tried to push her thoughts away. The final time together was too precious for her to waste it on gloomy thoughts; and she succeeded rather well in keeping things okay.

The CD was over much too soon to her liking, though. She collected Ben's CDs and handed them to him.

"Thank you for a very nice evening," he said as he rose. "Time for bed, I'm afraid... Good things never last."

Jill nodded. "Night night," she said. "See you in the morning then."

Ben waved at her and disappeared around the door. Jill looked at his disappearing form, her thoughts all aflutter. He would be gone out of her life tomorrow. She would have liked to try and keep him for herself -- if she only knew how. She sighed. It would be so nice to have someone to share things with -- just listening to some music for instance... Oh well. There were no men around that she fancied. None.

She put Lee Ann back in the box and returned the box to its slot on the shelf. Time for her chores...

She slept badly, and when she woke up she felt grumpy. Preparing breakfast seemed a hassle and she burnt a batch of toast... Burnt toast, she thought. It made her feel like crying.

She made an effort to get things right; she wanted to be civil to Ben at least. When he came into the room and smiled at her a bit of her grumpiness lifted, but it was not like on the previous days. And last time she'd known he would return. She couldn't even sit down at his table because there were others who'd come down for an early breakfast, too.

Ben had a big breakfast. "I love your food," he said. It made her feel happy and sad at the same time. She tried to smile but she didn't succeed; it seemed her face was set firmly in a noncommittal look.

He finished his breakfast and paid for his stay, and then took his leave. "Thank you very much once more for a great stay," he said. "I immensely enjoyed being here."

Jill shook his hand and waved at him when he looked back at her from the parking place. Then he drove off. Out of her life -- out of the world, she thought.

It was a hard day for her. She kept thinking of Ben and of the things she should have said that she knew she was completely unable to, and of what on earth he must think of her. She playedThere's Moreagain before she went to bed; and when she lay down she felt so lonely she cried herself to sleep.

Autumn

Ben had gone to eBay and bought the CD Jill had played to him, together with another copy ofBurnt Toast and Offerings.He wondered how and if he could get Jill to understand his interest in her, and he wanted to give her a copy of the CD when he went there again.

She was often on his mind. He kept comparing her to the women in his circle of friends and acquaintances, but no one seemed remotely in the same league, no one made his blood pulse any faster, no one left any impression beyond the instant.

Work was demanding and not always very pleasant, and it made him very tired. After a particularly busy time at work Ben had enough. Quite enough, really. He took time off from work and on a Thursday in the second week of September he drove to the coast, hoping he could stay at Jill's again. The weather was awful. It was much too hot for the time of year with lots of wind, rain and the occasional thunderstorm, murky, grey and suffocating. It was hard work to drive well, and Ben was happy for the AC in his car. He only arrived at Jill's after six. There was a light on in the living room, and he rang the bell.

Jill had not been feeling well for some time. She'd consulted her GP but he didn't find there was anything wrong; he thought she might need a change of air, perhaps. She'd shaken her head; she didn't think it would make a difference. She had just somehow lost all of her enthusiasm for her work, and for the B&B, and she'd temporarily shut down her website. She just didn't feel like having visitors.

Reading was alright still -- just. She wondered a lot how all that had come about, worrying about the future and hoping she'd get some of her zest for life back again. The autumn weather didn't help either. Life was just too lonely at times, and she didn't feel it had anything to offer, anything to look forward to.

And what was worse was the faint, nagging feeling that her condition was self-induced. She should just have told Ben what she felt. But the curt laugh she'd half expected had kept her from doing so, together with the fear that he might have left her company then and there. Some foolishness indeed. She had just got up to make herself some tea when the bell rang.

She went to the hall, determined to tell the caller that she was very sorry but she didn't have any room and could they please go somewhere else?

She opened the door to find Ben standing in the rain. She stared at him wide-eyed, without saying anything at first. Then she found her voice.

"Ben! Come in!"

She stepped back and Ben was almost blown indoors.

"Of all I had expected... How are you?"

"Fine -- well, not really. Tired, actually. Fed up with work and deadlines and stuff. I'm happy to see your face."

He shook the water from his hair.

"How have you been?"

Jill made a face. "None too happy somehow," she said. "Life feels lonely and cold. I took the B&B off line for a while; all those people..."

"Er -- do you want me to go?"

"No. Not you. I'll be happy to sit and talk with you -- I'm happy to know you're around. Truly. Please, come into the living room."

Ben followed Jill into the living room, and looked around. It was like he'd remembered but there seemed something missing.

"I will have to get you some flowers," he said. "It's what I have in my mind's eye thinking of this room."

Jill smiled, for the first time in weeks. "You have a good memory," she said.

"But very selective," Ben said. "Only when things seem worth remembering, and when the circumstances are right."

"Okay." Jill wasn't quite sure what exactly he meant, but the words didn't sound bad. "I was just about to make myself some tea. Would you like some? And I am afraid I will have to go and do some cooking soon."

"I'd love some tea. Perhaps you'd like to come with me for a meal after that? We could walk to the pub and try our luck there."

"Oh yes please! I'd love that. It's ages since I last ate out with someone."

She left the room and went to the kitchen. She felt all warm and a bit confused by her feelings. She'd thought she'd never see Ben again, and here he was. And he thought the flowers in her living room worth remembering...and he must have driven 200 miles to get here. She smiled and finished making the tea.

Ben stood in the room looking out into the dusk.

"What a day," he said when Jill came in. "At least the rain seems to have stopped."

"Fortunately." Jill put the tray on a low table. "What have you been doing with yourself?"

Ben picked up a cup and sat down.

"Working, mainly," he said. "Wondering what to do and then doing something else because it needed to be done and feeling annoyed because I couldn't do what I wanted. What needed to be done usually seemed less important, even though it couldn't wait -- responsibilities and stuff. Reading a lot, playing a lot of music in my spare time. Thinking about the past, wondering about the future... Christmas is only three months away, and I have been trying to devise a plan for how to survive that. It seemed I had no time for anything good or nice. So I got into the car and drove this way. And you? Have you been in the doldrums long?"

Jill nodded. "Rather," she said. "Or not, depending... Since the end of July, I think. But I only stopped having guests from the end of August. I'm not sure if it was a good idea... Somehow I just couldn't stand all those blank faces passing through my life any longer. It's so seldom that there's anyone you can talk to; and it's very rare that you talk about anything that matters."

"Yes. You know, I don't think that's really because of having a B&B. I have a few friends I can talk with -- really talk, I mean -- but it's not enough. It's never really what I want or need. Oh well, at least their faces aren't anonymous. Oh, by the way, I got you a copy ofBurnt Toast."

He took it from his jacket pocket and handed it to Jill.

She blushed. "Oh, thank you. That's nice! I love the album."

Ben smiled. "Good!" he said. "I thought so. I bought your Womack album for myself. Mmm, it's nice to sit here and talk with you. I'm glad I can stay."

"Of course. I'm happy to have you here."

She looked at him, earnestly, as usual, and she wondered how on earth she could ever tell him that she liked him as much as she did, how on earth she could indicate that she'd love to have him for herself, that she'd love him for her friend...what if he were to laugh at her, and what if he had someone else hanging around somewhere?

He nodded and smiled back. "You don't need your guests, financially?"

"I can manage on my wages," she said. "But it's the extras I have to forego without the B&B."

"Okay. Yes. I wish I could help you feel better."

"That would be nice." She nodded to herself. You don't know how much I'd love that, she thought.

Then she slowly drank her tea, while she sat looking at Ben. If he wanted her, he would probably be just what she needed to feel better. She wondered how strong his glasses were, and what he would look like without them from close by, and how it would feel to be in his arms. The idea was both pleasant and very scary, and she diverted her thoughts into a safer channel.