All Comments on 'The Pop-In!'

Pick a tense and stay with it. Learn some dialog flow. Get an editor.

Do something, but please, no more of this.

I liked it. Clever idea, and pretty well done. But I suggest that you make it longer and string out the tension further in time, letting the reader a) get more sex, and b) worry about poor Peter for a longer time. Then the big reveal at the end is an even better payoff.

What more can I say, LOL

Well it is fiction! Unbeleivable? Thats what it is.

It only works like this in STORIES! But seriously, you need to proof-read your work carefully before you submit it to insure a much better read. Unless typing at 60+ wpm with NO mistakes is your norm, and you always got A+'s in English...(that pretty much excludes nearly ALL of us). The story is not always the be-all and end-all...you can have a great tale, but if WE can't get it without having to sort of DECIFER, then your writing needs work...and it begins with using proper English grammar AND punctuation AND, like one guy said, stick to ONE tense (past/present, etc), don't jump...it makes US jump, too! One more thing, a tale as sweet as this needed to be told a little more thoroughly...thanks, try it again, Dude!

The only thing, when the dream is over , you wind up a mess in your hand.

Thanks for the post.

Sorry to be negative, but this read like an anecdote. There was barely any characterisation, scant dialogue and the sexual action was near-subliminal, robbing the story of erotic impact and taking the punch out of the payoff.

Story was fun, but way too short without enough detail. You need to build a tempo up in your story so the reader feels the sexual excitement build. Also you need more than a spell checker. When you call a woman "lushes" it means she has a drinking problem and could be considered a lush. When you call a woman luscious, it means she hot and you want to fuck her.

Where's the story?????

I like the concept of this all-to-short story. More development of both characters and the situation would create a stronger build up. Of course, more detail of the sexual events will always improve erotic stories.

Two paragraphs about two whores and an asshole.