The Red Pill

Robert said nothing, startled by the vehemence in the older man's voice.

"You ever killed a man, Robert?" asked Two Moons.

"Uh, no sir, not yet," said Robert nervously.

Two Moons guffawed with laughter. "Not yet, eh?" he said. "Not bad. Not a bad answer at all, son. You look like a pathetic little pussy tricked out in that monkey suit but maybe there's hope for you yet."

Robert said nothing, afraid of antagonizing the crazy old man.

"You ever heard of a little country called Guyana?" Two Moons asked.

"Uh, no," said Robert.

"Fucking public schools," muttered Two Moons. He turned and coughed violently, spitting once again on the floor near the corner of his couch. "Whole fucking country is one big jungle. And I ain't talking about that pussy Hollywood shit you're probably thinking of. The white men carved out a slice of that jungle to build their cities along the coast but the rest of the country is pure jungle. Every goddamn thing in there, the plants, the bugs, the animals, it's all out to kill you. Even some of the trees are poisonous. Drop your guard and you're dead."

Two Moons paused his diatribe briefly as another fit of coughing swept through his body.

"Fought a little border action over there. Before you was born. Doubt your pussy public school ever mentioned it. Two years in hell, boys. Our outfit was kitted out with Chinese SKS's, the cheap version of the AK. Piece of shit guns, always jamming from the mud. But they worked well enough when the fucking things worked. Government would send us in to clear out them pesky injuns. They'd drop us in, we'd mow through 'em so they'd get the message to clear off. Fucking stupid savages would always resist though. They'd hide out in the trees, sneaking past our perimeter at nighttime to huff their damn dart guns at us. Tips were coated in some kind of poison. Wicked shit. They lived off monkey meat, those fucking Indians, and that shit on their darts would drop 'em out of the trees stone cold dead."

Two Moons stubbed out his cigarette and immediately lit another one, which invariably led to another lengthy coughing session.

"Anyway, all's right and well in the world 'til one day I'm swapping out my clip. I'd just wasted about a hundred of them nappy-headed wogs when one snuck close enough to blow his dart at me. Little fucking thing hit me in the arm. I barely noticed it, that's how tiny it was. Felt like a mosquito sting. Of course I ripped it out but I guess the poison got to me. Next thing I know I'm ass over teakettle, lashed to a bamboo pole, and about 10 of them darkies are hauling me through the jungle back to their village."

The old man paused, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.

"You ain't never seen nothing like it in your picture books," said Two Moons, continuing his story. "Just a bunch of mud huts, palm leaves on top to keep out the rain. Stank like shit. Flies buzzing everywhere, landing on the kids' faces, crawling around their eyes. Couple of mangy dogs slinking around. There's this big ole' bonfire going in the center and the injuns dump me there on the ground. Chief comes out and does his grunty talking thing in their pig language. I look over and I see a couple of their women dragging out a big metal pot. Only piece of high technology they had."

Two Moons paused, looking around for a moment. Realizing he had finished his earlier beer, he got up and stumped into the kitchen to get another one. After taking a long noisy drink, he returned to the couch and resumed his story.

"The wogs get that pot strung up over the fire and it don't take no rocket scientist to figure out I'm set to be the main course. I figure I'm a goner. After the head darkie finished his chinwag with his braves, they haul me over to one side of the fire and tie me to a stake in the ground. Only thing left is to wait for that water to boil. I look over and I see the saliva dripping down their faces. They can't wait to get a piece of me."

Robert stared at the old man, completely mesmerized by his story.

"I'm busy as I can trying to saw through that rope with a rock that I found lying on the ground next to me. But it was some kind of jungle vine shit, tough as hell. I'm keeping my eyes on the wogs but they're all busy just staring at that pot and licking their chops. Finally by the grace of god I get one hand free. I reach down in my shorts to see if I got anything I can use as a weapon. I can't believe my fucking luck. Of course they stripped me of my gun and my knife but the stupid wogs didn't know what a grenade was. Probably thought it was a rock or some shit. I pull the pin and I toss it right over to where the warriors were all standing around. Bam! Bits of darky meat go spraying everywhere. I get to my feet and I yank my fucking back out of whack but somehow I got the stake pulled out of the ground. I'm still tied to the fucking thing with my other hand but I ran straight into the jungle."

"Holy shit," muttered Robert under his breath, unaware that he was even speaking aloud.

Two Moons paused and let out another tremendous belch. "Of course it was no use. Them damn Indians know that jungle like the back of their hands. Couple of the surviving braves caught me in no time flat and hauled me back to the village. Fucking hell they were pissed. Can you blame 'em? I just turned half their guys into hamburger."

"What did you do next?" said Robert, sitting tensely on the edge of the sofa.

"Oh hell, where's my manners?" said Two Moons. Unsteadily he rose to his feet and walked over to the kitchen, retrieving a small cigar box. He brought it back into the room and shoved a few of the beer cans onto the floor to make room for it. Opening the box, he withdrew a tapered white tube. "You boys smoke?" he asked.

"None for me, thanks," said Deke. "I'm on my basketball team at school. If we win a game, that's an automatic drug test."

"More for me then," said Two Moons, breaking into laughter. Using his lighter, he sparked up the joint and took a long deep inhalation. His arms trembling from the coughing spasm, he passed it over to Robert. Holding the joint gingerly, he slowly took a drag. The thick, acrid smoke was more than his inexperienced lungs could handle and he began to cough violently.

"If you don't cough, you don't get off!" cackled Two Moons, deftly snatching the joint out of Robert's trembling fingers. The older man took another long, deep inhalation, a beatific smile crossing his ruined face as he blew out an impressive cloud of smoke. Handing the joint once more to Robert, Two Moons continued his story.

"So where was I? Oh yeah. The warriors drag me back to the chief and they're all mad as hell. They're ready to chop me up right there on the spot and fuck the boiling water. But that chief had other ideas. He might've been an ignorant savage but he was a practical man. My grenade had blown his best guys to bits so he realized hiring me on was a better bet than tossing my scrawny hide into the pot. Anyway, they had plenty of fresh picnic supplies on hand," said Two Moons with a guffaw.

Robert just barely managed to pass the joint back to Two Moons. The smoke was hitting him like a freight train. His whole body felt heavy, the sounds of the older man's voice sounding syrupy in the thick air. Robert's eyes looked up at the wall, taking in for the first time that every available space was covered in a bizarre collection of masks, figurines and other kinds of aboriginal art.

"About those pills," said Deke. Robert started giggling. His friend's voice sounded high and girlish and it was the funniest sound he had ever heard. Two Moons flashed a smile and Robert saw with horror that the older man was missing several of his front teeth.

"Yeah, yeah," said Two Moons, stubbing out the joint in one of the overflowing ashtrays. "I ended up spending three years with those savages out there in the jungle. After a while I could even understand their pig grunt language too. I ended up becoming I guess what you could call an apprentice to their medicine man. Most of the shit he did was just hocus pocus, rattling bones and other shit around to impress the woggies. But those savages still know some of the old ways and not all of the shaman's razzle dazzle was bullshit."

Robert gaped at the art on the wall, now realizing that it was probably authentic, carved by some nameless tribes from deep in the jungle. Sold to the right collector, it was probably worth a fortune, he realized.

"Anyway," said Two Moons. "I learned a lot from those darkies. Later I got in a bit of a squawk with the medicine man and then hitched a ride with a passing Portuguese trader. Made it back to the capital and jumped on board a freighter. Long story short, by hook or by crook, I made it back to civilization. And here I am." At the conclusion of his story, the older man burst into a fresh guffaw.

"You got the money, Robert?" asked Deke, turning to look at his friend.

"What? Huh? Oh yeah," said Robert, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out the wad of crisp bills and set them down on the lid of a pizza box.

Two Moons frowned for a moment but then bent forward and scooped up the cash, stuffing it into one of the pockets of his tattered robe. He then walked into the kitchen and picked up a strange item, what looked to be a clay figurine, the body in the shape of a human but with the head of an alligator.

"That old medicine man, he told me the next man who understands women will be the first," said Two Moons with a loud chuckle. "But still though, there are a few things which will charm the lovelier half of the human race." Robert grinned, his face nearly splitting. Despite his earlier misgivings, he now found Two Moons to be quite charismatic.

Two Moons did something to the figurine and unhinged the head, revealing a hollow interior. He tipped the clay figurine until a red pill spilled out into his gnarled hand. Two Moons then picked up an empty cigarette pack from the coffee table and put the pill inside, handing the pack over to Robert.

"But that's how it should be," said Two Moons, lighting yet another cigarette. "Since the dawn of time, women always been choosy who they let in their pants. Whole damn world would grind to a halt if they let themselves get pregnant by every idjit and moron that came down the pike. You with me, boy?"

"Yes sir," said Robert, his entire body still abuzz with the effects of the smoke.

"The medicine man told me ain't nothing for free," said Two Moons, pausing to cough and spit once more in the corner. "I'm taking your money but I hope you're smart enough to take my advice. The recipe in that pill come straight from a savage in a loincloth living in the jungle but that shit'll work, no doubt about it. But if one woman's gonna take her clothes off for you when you ain't earned it, another woman has to pay the price. The forces of the earth got to stay in balance."

Robert nodded, his eyelids heavy. He realized he was close to falling asleep. A moment later he felt Deke's hand on his shoulders, shaking him back to full awareness. Lost in the fog of the smoke, he barely remembered getting to his feet and saying goodbye to Two Moons and stumbling out to the van.

He was snoring in earnest by the time Deke pulled up to his house.

---

When Robert woke up the next morning, his head was pounding and his mouth tasted like an old sock. He cracked open one bleary eye, taking in his surroundings. At first he couldn't remember what had happened or where he was but then the events of yesterday came flooding into his mind. Sitting up in bed, he saw a battered cigarette pack on the floor.

He quickly bound out of bed and scooped it up, afraid that one of his parents might come in and see it and think he had started taking up smoking. He glanced inside, saw the red pill, and shuddered. He shoved it in his nightstand drawer before running to the bathroom and heaving his guts out.

Robert made his way down to the kitchen. "Hey dad, hey mom," he managed to say, his voice a hoarse croak.

"Well hey there, slugger," said Robert's father. "How was the funeral?"

"It was okay," Robert said, easing into a chair at the table.

"You want some breakfast, honey?" asked Robert's mother. "I'm making pancakes."

"Yes," said Robert. His mother began taking items out of the cabinet but she paused halfway, bent over by a coughing spell.

"Gosh mom, are you okay?" asked Robert.

"Oh I'm fine, I'm fine," said Robert's mother, gaining her composure. "Just a bit of a cough. It was worse yesterday but today I think it's clearing up."

As delicious smells of hot food began wafting through the kitchen, Robert picked up some of the discarded sections of newspaper lying on the table. He idly paged through it, not paying much attention until a local story caused him to sit bolt upright in his chair.

Holy shit! Crystal Jade, the world famous supermodel, was in town at a department store at the local mall. The article said she would be there to launch her new clothing line and would be signing autographs that afternoon.

For years, Robert had considered Crystal Jade to be the most beautiful woman on the planet. She was so thin, her slender and willowy body a perfect compliment to her sparkling green eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. He blushed, remembering the many times he had stared longingly at her photograph in a magazine while stroking himself. And now she was here at the local mall? Even under normal circumstances he would've been thrilled just to get a chance to see her in the flesh.

A big grin creased his face as he realized what was hidden upstairs in his nightstand drawer. Would the red pill work on a supermodel? Of course it would! He'd given the last of his money to that crazy old geezer. It had to work. The thought of being able to touch Crystal Jade, to caress her flawless, perfect skin, made his whole body tingle with excitement. Losing his virginity to the most beautiful woman in the world was just too perfect an opportunity to pass up.

Robert hungrily devoured his pancakes in record time. His father peered over the newspaper, one eyebrow cocked in mild surprise. "So what are your plans today, slugger?"

"Thought I'd go to the mall," said Robert.

"Don't chew with your mouth full!" admonished his mother.

"Sorry," said Robert, taking a healthy slug of milk to wash down the last of the food in this mouth. "Yeah, I was thinking of applying for a job."

"Well I think that's great, honey," said Robert's mother, bending over to give her son a hug. Her skin felt warm and feverish against his cheek.

"Wish I could lend you the car," said Robert's father. "But I've got to go meet Tom and crunch some numbers. You okay with taking the bus?"

"Sure," said Robert. And why not? He didn't need a car to impress Crystal Jade. All he needed was his red pill.

"I'm proud of you, son," said Robert's father. "It's good to see you showing some initiative."

"That's me, the guy with some initiative," said Robert with a grin, the secret inside of him making his whole body burn with excitement.

---

Robert fidgeted as he waited for the bus to arrive. Would it really work? It had to, right? After all, he'd just blown his last 500 bucks on the damn pill. But it would be so worth it if he got a chance to have sex with Crystal Jade. All of his friends with their stupid bragging about girls in high school cold go fuck themselves. Nothing could ever top losing your virginity to a supermodel. Nothing!

Riding on the bus to the mall, Robert pulled out his phone and began thumbing through the photos he had of Crystal Jade. Good god, she was so smoking hot. He zoomed in on her face, still entranced by her elfin good looks. Her long blonde hair made her look like an angel, her dazzling white teeth and ruby lips making his heart race.

Would he really be meeting her soon? Oh my god. And if the pill worked, he'd be doing a hell of a lot more than just meeting her. His penis buzzed in his pants, distracting him so much that he almost failed to get off the bus as it wheezed to a stop in front of the mall.

Long familiar with the local mall, Robert bounded up the escalator to the second floor, only to run headlong into the long line of people queued up at the entrance of the department store. Posters and signs everywhere advertised Crystal Lee's appearance and it was clear that Robert wasn't her only fan. No matter, he consoled himself, he could wait patiently. Especially when he knew that soon he'd be getting his reward.

The line moved at a snail's pace and it was over an hour before he was far enough inside the department store to even catch a glimpse of her. Oh my god, he thought, she's even more beautiful in real life.

She was seated at a long table, dressed in what would be inappropriate for a normal person but was completely befitting a supermodel. From what he could see, she was wearing a simple white dress, almost like a nightgown but somehow a high fashion garment, two thin straps nearly falling off her perfectly rounded shoulders. The dress hung loose and limp on her, the gauzy fabric barely providing cover for her tiny breasts. She was truly a goddess.

Two assistants dressed in black stood their posts on either side of Crystal Jade. As each person in line stepped forward, one assistant would take a photograph from the table and pass it over to Crystal Jade. As Robert watched, he saw her engage in some brief banter with each person. She'd then autograph the photo and the assistant would lean forward and hand it to the person. The other assistant stood with his hands behind his back, apparently a bodyguard of some kind. Occasionally Crystal Jade would take a sip of water or graze on a bowl of grapes set before her. Gosh, he couldn't wait until it was his turn!

When there were just three people left in front of him, Robert gulped, nervous as hell. Showtime. He carefully felt in his pocket, exploding in panic when at first he couldn't locate the pill. But then he found it. He looked at it, surprised at the size of it. It seemed bigger than the one he had gotten from Deke. Was it a different formula or something? Too late to worry about that now. Robert popped it in his mouth, nearly choking as he barely managed to swallow it.

And then, finally, at long last, it was his turn. He stepped forward to the table. Crystal Jade looked up at him, flashing him a dazzling smile. She was so damned beautiful. He was in love.

Her assistant handed her a photograph. Pen poised above the glossy, Crystal Jade looked over at him and spoke. "And what's your name?" she asked.

His tongue tied, his mouth dry, Robert could barely speak. "Uh, Bobby, uh, I mean Robby, uh, I mean Robert," he finally managed to gasp.

"Relax Robert," said Crystal Jade, her smile blinding him, her eyes a rich forest green. He felt he could get lost in those emerald pools forever. "I'm a person, just like you," she said.

"Oh, I know," stammered Robert. "It's just... it's just you're so beautiful."

"Well thank you," said Crystal Jade. She autographed the photograph with a flourish. The assistant bent over and handed it to him. "To Robert," it read, "Thank you for your support! Crystal Jade." Robert stood there frozen in place, the autographed photo clutched in one sweaty hand. What next? He waited for the red pill to work its magic.

But the assistant was having none of it. "Move along now," he snapped.

What? Shouldn't the pill be working by now? But Crystal Jade was already moving on to the next person, a pre-teen girl squealing with delight at a chance to meet her idol. The assistant gently pushed Robert away from the table. Dumbfounded, he took three steps towards the exit. What the fuck? Anger swept through him as he realized he'd been cheated. The crazy old geezer had taken his money and suckered him with some flimflam story about Indians in the jungle and medicine men.