The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 03

I got up and went downstairs so I could talk some sense back into myself. The voices were not only talking to me; they were screaming. It was all I could hear. Downstairs I repeated Ray's mantra several times: 'I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe.'

It didn't stop the voices. They went on, "Weren't you better off when you were alone? At least you weren't using sex to win favors. You should be back in your own condo where you don't bother anyone. Ray and Kim had sex without you last night; they don't want you around."

I started making other affirmations. I was almost desperate to get the voices to stop. I was talking to myself out loud. "I like Bill -- very much. We enjoyed our intimacy last night just the way two consenting adults do. There was nothing improper about what I did. I like sex. I love Ray and Kim; they encouraged me to go out with Bill and the others and even to have intimate relations if I felt it was appropriate. They still love me."

The voice SCREAMED in my head. I took some aspirin thinking the chemicals might have some influence; they didn't. I sloughed off my robe and ran outside naked and dove in the pool. The cool water was a bit of a shock but not enough to stop the voices.

I was sitting on the patio naked and shaking, holding my head, when Ray came outside. He took one look at me and asked, "What's wrong, Pumpkin? Voices?"

I looked up at him with tears flooding my face. I shook my head "Yes." I sobbed.

He came, sat beside me and put his arm around me. "I love you. Kim loves you. There is nothing in this world that you cannot do, be, or have. You live in a friendly and supportive Universe full of love and wonderful things that were put here for you. You control your life. Just cast those demons out of your head now. The voice is your mind giving you grief based on old luggage and past events. Somehow it's created a space of expectations that you can never live up to, and if you did you'd be a very unhappy person as you were before.

Ray pulled me up into his lap and hugged me tightly. As he talked the voices actually subsided. Kim appeared. She seemed to know instantly what was happening. "Oh Joyce, I'm so sorry they came back," she said as she appeared on the patio. She snuggled up against Ray and me and held me. I felt surrounded in their love.

Ray told me softly, "Everyone has a dark side -- the dark side of the force they'd called it in Star Wars. For you this dark side brings up fear, doubt, and insecurity. These are your shadows. Now realize that they occur only in the presence of a great light -- and that light is you -- the real you. That inner light -- your inner light -- can make that darkness and the shadows dissolve when they appear. They actually strengthen you because you know they are there. Now you are a stronger person."

My crying jag stopped after a few minutes and I just kept saying, "Thank you," to the two of them. They hugged me harder.

"You don't need to let your unconscious mind grab hold of you that way. You can just say 'Stop!' and make it go away with some other more pleasant thoughts," Kim told me. "It takes practice, but you can do it."

I nodded again but was still too choked up to talk. Finally, when I could speak I asked, "Am I so mentally fucked I'll never get rid of the luggage that makes me hate myself so? Am I doomed?"

Both replied, "No. Absolutely not. You're not broken in anyway. You were broken before by listening to the voices; you're fine now. Shine your light in those dark places within where the voices seem to come from. You have new knowledge and new perspective to help make that light brighter."

Kim finally announced, "OK. We're changing the subject to something more pleasant." She paused then asked, "Tell us about you and Bill last night?"

I smiled, and through my remnant tears haltingly started, "Well, we had a nice dinner at Zoria's with friends of Bill -- a very nice couple from Lakewood Ranch -- then, well, we went back to Bill's condo. It's up about sixteen stories above the downtown area. The view is incredible." I paused, and both Kim and Ray looked expectantly at me. "Oh yes," I added, "we made love and he's a gentle and sensitive man that sure knows how to please a woman. I was really surprised. I guess you can't tell." I smiled at them with a touch of embarrassment.

"Details, woman, details!" They both implored with lecherous grins on their faces.

I gave a blow by blow -- or should I say a stroke-by-stroke description. I enjoyed the telling since I was reliving the experience as I told them. When I'd finished, the voices were gone, and I was horny and so were Ray and Kim. We returned to the master bedroom and satisfied the urges I had stirred.

After we were all basking in the afterglow of one or two orgasms per person, Kim stated, "It's ashamed Bill couldn't join us. I bet we'd have fun with a fourth person in our sexual romps."

Ray perked up and said, "Why don't you ask him?"

I laughed. "Oh sure, I can hear the conversation Monday morning at work: 'Bill, you were such a hit on Saturday night I'd like to invite you to an orgy at my house. My housemate and I want to fuck your brains out.' He'd probably faint."

Ray said, "I doubt it, but I think you two may want to be a little more subtle. Why don't we invite him to a cookout next Saturday? You two can turn on your charm while he's here."

Kim and I both responded with enthusiasm to Ray's idea. I promised I'd ask him the next day at work.

*

Saturday afternoon there was an air of heightened sexuality around the house. Part of it, of course, was due to the interactions between Ray, Kim, and me. There was the touch, a smooth, a kiss, a look, sometimes a wink, or kiss blown on the warm soft wind of the afternoon over the Bay.

Ray held me at one point, "Pumpkin, I love you. No disappointments tonight and definitely no voices tonight or tomorrow. Right?"

"RIGHT," I replied in a loud affirmation reminiscent of his shouting the answer atop the catwalk at the nearby State Park several months earlier. It really did seem to cement in the deal.

The doorbell rang two minutes before six and I pranced to the door to welcome Bill. While we'd been staid and proper all week if we happened to see each other, tonight he literally swept me off my feet and swung me around as he hugged me. Then we kissed with definite sexual overtones including a grinding of hips and lots of tongue.

Suddenly, a voice stated over my shoulder, "Hey, I want some of that!" It was Kim.

I laughed and pulled away from Bill, made a deep bow to Kim and said, "Be my guest. He does kiss nicely I might add." Somehow Bill passed two bottles of wine into my hands then turned to Kim, expecting to give only a polite peck on the cheek.

Kim moved right into Bill in the same position I'd been in. Bill looked slightly taken aback, but then appeared to hug and kiss Kim with the same abandon he'd used on me only seconds earlier. When they were through, Kim surfaced, "Whew! You were right." She turned abruptly and headed back to the kitchen.

I grabbed Bill's arm and led him into the kitchen. Clearly I was not upset by the moment he'd shared with Kim. He checked several times and I guessed that was what was on his mind.

Ray was putting the last of some marinade on some steaks and kielbasa. He looked up as our trio arrived in the kitchen, smiled broadly and said, "Welcome Bill. In another minute I'll get you a drink, but right now I'm playing chef."

"I'll do the drinks," I volunteered. "What's everyone's passion?"

Kim gave me a long gaze then said, "Are you sure that's the question you want to be asking?"

I laughed and the double entendre I'd created and added, "OK. What do you want to drink?" I emphasized the last word.

"Pinot Noir, please."

"Bill?"

"Chardonnay on the rocks, if you please. And I'd like to savor the possible answers to your original question."

I tilted my sunglasses down at him and looked over the top of them in mock ferocity. I turned to Ray with my question.

"I'll have whatever Bill's having -- including you," Ray stated. He grinned and said, "There, that answers both questions."

"Until dinner is done, I shall ignore all comments with sexual innuendo in them," I stated firmly as I poured the Chardonnays into their glasses. "After that, however, I shall be open to a wide range of possibilities and offers." Everyone laughed.

The cookout and dinner breezed by with surprising swiftness. Every now and then there was some dubious statement that floated across the patio table, loaded with sexual overtones or totally benign depending on how you interpreted the words. I think I caught most of them and laughed over and over again.

After dinner we sat around talking for a while in the twilight of the evening. Kim suggested we all take a swim and enjoy the spa. Bill commented that he hadn't brought his swimsuit. There was a long pause then Kim laughed and said, "Well, you don't need a swimsuit with this crowd."

With that, she stood and walked near the pool's edge. She peeled the summer dress she was wearing off her body. I wasn't surprised, but Bill was. She'd been wearing nothing -- nothing at all - beneath the beautiful dress. She draped the dress over a nearby chair and in one smooth move dove into the water.

"Good idea," I said. I walked towards the deep end shedding my shoes then blouse, and then slacks along the way, carefully putting them on the same chair Kim had used. I was delightfully nude in the warm night air. I turned to Ray and Bill and asked, "You guys coming in too?" With that, I dove into the water.

There were some pool noodles floating near the side. I'd aimed for one when I dove in the pool and surfaced near it. As I grabbed the noodle I looked over and saw both Ray and Bill were shirtless and stepping out of their loafers, shorts, and briefs. I grinned at Kim who already had that lovely lecherous look on her face. Seconds later both men dove into the water.

Bill surfaced near me, running a hand up my legs to my nether region as he surfaced. I squeaked in mock surprise. Then Kim did the same thing only a few feet from me as Ray did some illicit thing to her while underwater. Everyone laughed as the men surfaced with devilish looks on their faces.

"I'm not averse to some unusual encounter," Bill said, "but I want to be sure I'm not misinterpreting what this means. And what about your neighbors?"

Ray answered, "Our neighbors are away for the next few months. We do enjoy the privacy it affords -- and the flexibility. As for the sexual nature of the past few moments, we are open to new experiences providing they are loving, sensitive, have some sense of commitment -- not ownership, and involve people able to give and receive. We applaud spontaneous sexuality."

Bill was paying rapt attention as Ray spoke. Ray went on, "We believe that sexuality is an extension of the inner, spiritual self. It connects us with the core of our being and through that connection with the Universe. Thus, we value intimate and passionate contact as one means for communion with spirit. We want conscious contact with one another not a mindless fuck that provides only temporary satisfaction. We want to create joy and blend hearts together."

"Wow," were the first words from Bill's mouth after a prolonged silence. I'd heard some of the philosophy before and so it didn't surprise me. I was attuned to Ray and Kim and increasingly to Bill so I could feel some of the latter's discomfort fade away with Ray's words.

Ray got out of the pool a few minutes later and turned off the interior pool lights. Now a three-quarter moon and a few lights on in the house dimly lighted the pool and patio area.

As Ray returned, Bill asked, "Are you three an event ... I mean 'together' ... err, intimate?"

I answered forthrightly, "Yes, we love each other in our unique way. Ray and Kim are my mentors right now too, helping me change from a person I'd grown to become and didn't like." I glided across the pool.

"Yes, yes," Bill started, "I was aware you'd made a big change in how you dressed and behaved. It's been the talk of the company for the past couple of months. You were so shy, isolated, withdrawn."

"I'm still trying. I have to undo twenty years of thinking poorly about myself. It's not something I can do overnight. Did you know you were my first date?"

Bill looked flabbergasted, "No. You're kidding right?"

"Not a bit," I said as I breast stroked back towards him. "Ray helped me lose my virginity only a month before that. So you see I'm trying to make up for many lost years, certainly in terms of having a social life -- and in terms of my sexuality." I stood in front of him and used my breasts to stroke his chest; since the nipples were erect they had the desired effect of his further arousal. I slid away into the water again.

Kim had watched me. She came up beside Bill and slid under his arm and repeated my move of rubbing her engorged tits against his chest. Bill looked at Ray to see whether there was any awkwardness there.

Ray smiled back at him and said; "I think we have two horny women on our hands. Kim's been fascinated with you since she met you and since Joyce came home and told us what a wonderful lover you are."

"She did?" Bill exclaimed looking in my direction.

Kim leaned up and kissed Bill on the mouth; I could see her tongue dart into his mouth and the two started a long and significant kiss. I smiled too as I surfaced next to Ray and duplicated the process.

As often as one makes love the entire dynamic changes when you are in the presence of another person or couple. Ray and I had kissed a thousand times or more in the past month, yet there was a heightened eroticism doing it in front of Bill and Kim. The hedonist in me relished being the exhibitionist that I was that evening.

Bill and Kim moved into a tight embrace; their naked bodies pressed against one another as they stood in the shallows of the pool. I reached down and fondled Ray under the dark water of the pool too.

Ray finally said, "Come with me. Let's make love. Let me love you." He pulled my hand and led me to one of the large loungers on the patio. As we cuddled together on the chaise he said to me, "Pumpkin, do you know how proud I am of you?"

"No," I said as I shook my head.

"Well, I am. You've made some huge leaps and bounds in your life that you should be very proud of. You don't need my praise; you should praise yourself. You've found a new relationship with life that you'd found wanting prior to our meeting."

"Well you did it. You made me ..." I started.

Ray interrupted, "No. No. No. You've got to see that you did this all yourself. All I did was make suggestions here and there. You could have run back to your old way of living, of thinking, of being. Instead, you struck out into new territory. You even forged a new relationship with the Infinite -- with Source. I can see it and I know you can too. Some days I know you have Source flowing through you and you are ready for anything."

"But the voices ..." I began.

"Oh, yes," he said. "The voices that come back every now and then. What you need to remember is that we all have voices. I have them -- Kim does -- Stacy does -- Bill too. They are perhaps our alter egos. They can be debilitating as yours were, but you can turn them around and make them supportive. You're starting to know how to do this, and it makes me happy."

Ray leaned in and kissed me as his hand continued its tender caresses of various parts of my body. I glanced over, and Bill was seated on the edge of the pool; Kim was bobbing up and down on his long, stiff cock giving him a blowjob that he'd not soon forget. Suddenly, I wanted to deliver that satisfaction to Ray as well so I slid down his body and engulfed his cock in my hot mouth.

Ray put his head back in grace and acceptance of what I offered to him. He had a unique way in his sexuality -- there were no games. There was deep appreciation of what he was given, and he gave more than he got. He always made sure the Kim and I were satisfied even to little subtle touches or kisses that we liked around the edges of our colossal fucks. Of course, they weren't fucks; they were all making love to one another.

Kim and Bill appeared next to us on the adjacent lounger on the patio. There were no words exchanged just the silent acknowledgment that we were all there to love each other and indulge our sexuality. Kim had a unique way of ensuring her lovers were conscious and not just on some hedonistic autopilot; she talked to them about Tantric sex sometimes.

As Ray and I kissed, smoothed, and I administered my oral attentions on his stiff rod, we listened to Kim as she talked to Bill. "Bill, you and I are going to make love. As we do I want each of us to make a commitment that this is more than just a lustful satisfaction of a sexual urge. We each need to be aware of our emotions, our hearts, and the sense of Spirit that we encounter. I think of this as an act of communion and worship -- with you, to you, to Spirit, to our hearts, and to the oneness of the Universe."

Bill was silent but attentive as far as I could see his face and sense his mood. He was certainly not bored with the evening nor put off by Kim's recitations. I was glad; it meant that their lovemaking would take on a special meaning for each of them.

Ray switched places with me and went down on my still moist pussy. I'd become aware of seeping juices as I blew him, and now he was the beneficiary of all that liquid my arousal had put in my slit. As he lapped I could feel myself sliding up a ski slopes, driven by the magnificent sensations he produced in my body.

Beside me Kim was receiving similar attention from Bill. I was glad she could get a sense of his love making skills; he was adept at delivering oral satisfaction as he had to me the weekend before. As I thought about the next step I felt Ray's wondrous cock penetrate my vagina, back and forth, each time moving deeper into me -- moving each of us up the scale of love and passion, spiritual enlightenment, and deep sharing and joy.

As I watched Bill penetrate Kim, I felt privileged and joyful for her. She reached over to me, and we held hands tightly as our lovers slowly pumped into our pussies.

Kim talked briefly, as much to Bill as to Ray, "I am your soul that you love. I am your deepest desire. I am your sunshine self and your shadow self. This is loving that the world needs. It is not just for ejaculating cum into one another; it is for communion of each part of our selves, for unification of the self. It is for communion with each other, within all of us, and with the Universe -- with Source. Make this last. Make it an endless love."

Much to my surprise Ray and Bill reached their hands out to each other and across the space between our patio beds clasped one another's hands in a warm gesture of friendship and what ever other values each wanted to place on the event. Their attentions then turned back to us.

Ray and I slowly brought each other up and down on my private erotic scale. Several times I announced that I would cum and I did, each time better than that last. I ejaculated some girl juice several times; Ray knew how to get me tuned in, tapped in, turned on. Kim was providing similar feedback to us about her little climaxes. The group lovemaking was special in that we each shared where we were in our experiences of the beautiful evening.

Each couple changed positions several times in our session. It was particularly erotic when Kim and I were both atop Bill and Ray, and we could see each other, watching the cocks penetrate into pussies, watching breasts undulate and see each other's looks of pleasure, ecstasy, and communion as the minutes passed.