The Shepherd of Ashburn Court Pt. 04

"Did I say that out loud?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, you called me Linda. Who is she?"

"Someone I used to know a very long time ago. She-she was in a similar situation, but I couldn't help her," Ben ground out between his teeth.

"You helped me! How did you know I was in trouble?" Rochelle asked.

"I saw the big truck parked on your lawn, so I slowed down to see if you were all right. I saw someone being thrown to the floor... then I was inside," Ben mumbled, embarrassed that he'd lost himself in that memory.

"I'm grateful you stopped. It would have gotten a lot worse for me if you hadn't. He has an awful temper."

"Who is he?" Ben asked, looking at the man who was now struggling against his restraints and howling in pain from his destroyed wrist.

"Greg Mattay. He was a friend of Devon's, which should have been my first clue. He's always had a thing for me, and since Devon died, he's been persistently pursuing me. I was lonely, so I went on a date. That led to a few more dates, and tonight I caught him arranging a hook up with one of the waitresses from my restaurant downtown. He's no better than Devon."

"You deserve far better," Ben said.

"Damn straight, I do!" she smiled. "I'm sorry you got hurt, Ben, but I'm glad you came by. Should I call someone? Let them know you're on your way to the hospital... again," she said with a smile.

"Yeah, call my place and let Tina know. Uh, maybe you should call Gabriella and Catherine as well," he said, blushing.

The paramedics arrived in two separate ambulances. The first crew was looking at Greg, but he wasn't cooperative. He glared back at Ben as the police and paramedics prepared to get him up on the gurney. Rochelle looked him straight in the eye

"That's right, Greg. Ben has three women in love with him, and they are all fully invested in the relationship. He shows them respect, and he loves them back. Your pathetic player game is childish and weak compared to Ben. And his dick is twice the size of yours too-"

"Rochelle!" Ben interrupted, and she stopped to smile at him.

"But it's true! I've seen you both! Granted, I haven't seen yours hard... yet," she grinned.

Greg seemed to be withering a little as they placed him on the gurney. The two paramedics kneeling beside Ben were waiting for the first gurney to be moved before they could bring in his. The female paramedic smiled at Ben. "Sir, we're going to have to cut these pants off of you," she said. Rochelle grinned at the woman and wiggled her eyebrows.

The other paramedic checked Rochelle's back, and she winced. She picked up the phone again and made the calls.

-=-

Later that night, Ben was resting in the hospital bed, and Hannah was sitting in the chair next to him.

"Does this injury really warrant a night in the hospital?" Ben complained.

"Hush! You were stabbed! Deeply! We're just taking precautions," Hannah chastised him.

"The doctor said the blade just went through the meat and missed everything vital. Outside of the scar, there's not going to be any long-term effects."

"Yes, this is all good news, but we are going to keep you in for observations," she said firmly.

"That paramedic already did too much observing. Rochelle, too," he grumbled.

"What? What did they do?" she asked.

"She said she had to cut my pants off as they snagged on the knife. They got me in the ambulance, and Rochelle was back there with the female paramedic while the other one drove. I was pretty loopy by that point, so I didn't notice she'd cut my underwear off too. When I came to, I found the two making observations of my... stuff. With their hands!"

"Funny, Rochelle didn't mention that when I spoke with her earlier," Hannah said with a frown. "Ben, she did mention that when you busted into her home, you called her Linda. She said that you told her Linda was from your past and you couldn't help her. This is something you need to speak with Dr. Granger about, isn't it."

Ben looked into her eyes for a moment. "Yes."

"Do you want to talk about it now? The best time to do it would be while it is still fresh in your mind. I can see if she's available," Hannah asked gently.

He sighed. "Sure."

Hannah sent a quick text to Dr. Granger's secretary.

"I saw Tina in here earlier. How is that going?" she asked while she waited for a reply to the text.

"Tina is doing great! I got her all set up with clothes for going to university this summer and fall. We also set up one of the guest rooms to be Christopher's room. Got him a crib as he was getting too big for the bassinette, a changing table, a baby monitor, and a stroller. You know that asshole James didn't spend a dime on his son? Outside of diapers because he didn't like the smell. Fuck! I'd like a few minutes alone with the bastard."

Hannah smiled, and her phone buzzed. "Ah, she's free and will be here momentarily." She looked at Ben. "How are you managing juggling time with the three women in your life?"

"They all came to see me earlier to make sure I was okay. Gabriella is amazing! I can't begin to say how much she's helped me. Catherine is incredible as well. So much energy! Tina helps me stay sane. And there aren't just three women in my life. There are four equally wonderful women taking care of me!"

"Four?" she asked incredulously.

"The fourth one locks me in her hospital overnight," he grinned.

Hannah blushed and swatted his arm.

"Are you beating my patient? How do you feel about that, Ben?" Dr. Granger quipped as she arrived.

"I'm out of here before I do something I'll regret!" Hannah growled playfully.

Ben snagged her hand and brought her knuckles to his lips for a sensual kiss. "Good night, Number Four."

Shivers running down her spine, she snatched her hand back and left in a huff, poorly hiding her pleased smile. She closed the door on the way out and caught his lingering gaze before she slipped away.

"Are you always this much of a flirt?" the doctor asked.

"Flirt?" Ben asked, puzzled.

"Ah, okay. Let's put that aside for later. More importantly, I understand you had a bit of an episode with a childhood memory. It's wonderful we can speak about it so soon after you experienced it. Do you recall what triggered it?"

"I was looking in Rochelle's living room window when I saw a man throwing someone down on the floor. I remember that distinctly. I don't remember getting into the house, and I don't remember anything I said until I was on the floor holding the man down," Ben said.

"In your memory, who was the person being thrown to the floor?"

"Linda. She was one of the girls I was in a foster home with. She was three years older than I was. I think she was 11 at the time," he answered.

"Who was she to you? She was important?" the doctor asked.

"...yes. She... she told me she loved me. She looked out for me for the year I was at that foster home. From day one, she took me under her wing and made sure I was okay. She was like the big sister I never had," Ben said, looking at his hands.

"What happened to her?"

"She died. He killed her." Ben was silent for a long moment.

"Who killed her?" the doctor asked, trying to get Ben to move the story forward.

"Rick. The foster father."

"Why did he do it?"

"Because... because she... she told him she ate his sandwich, but she didn't. I did. Rick and Maggie only fed us when they felt like it, and I hadn't eaten in days. I stole the sandwich and snuck outside to eat it. Rick came back and discovered it was missing. She must have seen me because she told him she ate it. He screamed and threw her down. I saw it through the window. He killed her."

"You were eight! Did you try to stop him?"

"Yes, I ran back into the house, and he was standing over her. She was already dead. He broke her neck against the heating rad." Tears ran down Ben's face unnoticed. He stared at his hands without seeing them.

"What happened next, Ben?" she prompted gently.

"Rick saw the crust of the sandwich in my hand and knew she'd lied. He screamed at me and slapped the bread from my hand. Then he slapped me hard across the face and told me that I'd made him do it. I'd made him kill her, and he had no choice but to kill me too. He threw me down, and my head hit the rad too, but it just knocked me unconscious. I woke up in a hospital. Three weeks later, I was in a new foster home."

Ben absently rubbed at the tears on his face. His face lost all expression. "I'm tired. I'd like to go to sleep now. Is it okay if we end the session here?"

"We'll finish shortly, Ben. We need to address the issue of Linda's death. You're carrying some unresolved guilt. Adult Ben can acknowledge that Rick was solely responsible for the death of the young girl. You know this because you told me directly that Rick killed her. Unequivocally his fault. But Child Ben is holding onto the lie Rick told him. Rick didn't kill other kids, did he?" Ben shook his head. "So Linda's death was likely an accident. Rick was guilty of killing her, but there was likely no intent to kill. He was just a bad man who did a terrible, irresponsible thing that resulted in her death. He wanted to discipline her, punish her, hurt her. But he killed her instead. Her death had nothing to do with the sandwich or the lie Linda told to protect you. It was just a horrific result of Rick's reckless and vicious action."

Dr. Granger looked into Ben's eyes and saw the pain there.

"Do you remember her love for you?"

Ben's breath caught in his chest as Linda's smiling face appeared in his mind. He saw her messy blond hair, her pale grey eyes, her slight overbite, and the splash of freckles across her upturned button nose. He heard her infectious giggling. And he felt her hugging him tight against her skinny body. He bit his lower lip and nodded with his eyes tightly closed as the tears ran freely down his cheeks.

"Then you've kept her love alive in your heart all these years. That's a wonderful tribute to her!" Granger said with a smile. "She'd love that. She certainly wouldn't want you carrying this meaningless pain and guilt. Don't diminish her final beautiful act of love by not understanding she did it for someone she believed deserved it. Just keep remembering her love."

Dr. Granger smiled as she watched Ben recall his young friend's love for him. She could see his shoulders relaxing and the pain easing from his brow.

"Tonight, you stopped your friend from being hurt. The situation reminded you of Linda, and you leaped to protect your friend. Linda would be very proud of you. You've grown into a strong and righteous man who acted selflessly and courageously. These are things she would have dreamed for you. As long as you live to the best of your abilities, as you have been, then you're fulfilling her hopes for you and justifying her belief in you."

Ben's eyes opened, and she handed him a tissue. He wiped his eyes and face. He smiled gently at the doctor.

"I think you should get some rest now. We have another session on Friday morning. We can continue to speak about Linda, or we can go back to the beginning. It's up to you. Sleep well, and I'll see you then."

"Thank you, Dr. Granger. Good night."

"Good night Ben."

Ben did sleep well, and his dreams were filled with the happy sound of a young girl's giggles.

Chapter 19

Ben had a cane to help take the strain off his leg when he walked and painkillers to numb him when he needed it, but he was surprised to notice how little pain he actually felt. The doctor had explained that he had been extremely fortunate in how the blade had been oriented when it entered the muscle. It not only missed significant blood vessels, but it also split between most of the fibers instead of cutting them. There was a definite weakness in his leg, but it could have been far worse.

When he got home, Tina had been a bundle of nerves. She burst into tears as soon as he stepped through the door. He held her in his arms on the living room couch for close to an hour before she calmed down. Once her tears dried, he gave her sweet kisses, and she melted in his arms.

His stomach rumbled, and she grinned at him and hustled into the kitchen to make him some lunch. There was a knock on the door, and Tina flashed across the room before Ben could get up from the couch. She gave him a fierce look as she dashed by, so he sank back to the sofa. Rochelle followed her back into the living room, then Tina excused herself to go back to the kitchen.

"Hi Ben, how are you feeling?" Rochelle asked.

"I'm good. The leg hardly hurts at all," he smiled.

Rochelle's expression turned serious. He saw signs that she had been crying this morning. He felt a twinge in his heart.

She sat next to him on the couch, took his hand in hers, and looked down at it. "Ben, I just wanted to tell you how grateful you were there for me last night. I wasn't kidding when I said it would have gotten a lot worse for me if you hadn't shown up. Greg beat his last girlfriend pretty badly when they broke up. He has serious anger issues."

Ben got frustrated. "Rochelle, why did you agree to go out on a date with a guy like that? You can do so much better! You're smart, gorgeous, and fun! You can have your pick of men! Why the bad boys?"

Tears were coming to her eyes. "I know it was stupid. With the restaurant chain, I'm always working, and I was just so lonely." She looked up into his eyes. "No one calls me gorgeous or smart, and I haven't had fun in a long time. I don't know why I get caught up with bad boys. They do say the right things... at the beginning."

"I want you to start coming to our informal group talks. You need to start seeing yourself as we see you. The beautiful, powerful, and loving woman you really are, not someone others can use as a doormat. If you feel yourself becoming lonely or depressed, please reach out for help! We're here for you! You don't deserve to be treated that way!"

Rochelle nodded and looked down at her lap. Ben reached over and lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes to see if she understood. He brushed the tears from her cheek with his thumb.

"Ben, you are a good man. If you didn't have three women after you already, I'd be snatching you up for myself."

Tina returned to the living room with Ben's lunch and heard Rochelle. "Ben does not belong to us. Our hearts are open to him, and his is open to ours. He knows we love him, and we know he loves us. That love is unconditional. It has to be. We will not impose limits on his ability to love, and I would tell you the same. Ben has a tremendous capacity for love. You shouldn't try to restrict it."

Rochelle looked at Tina in surprise as the small woman set the tray on the coffee table. Then she looked at Ben, who watched Tina with equal parts reverence and perplexity in his eyes. He looked back at Rochelle.

"I love them with every fiber of my being, but I can't help feel I'm not worthy of their love," he said softly.

"Then maybe you and I are more alike than we thought. We both feel unworthy of love. In my case, I just choose men incapable of true love. It seems to me, Ben, that you've found a way to get past your issue," Rochelle said.

"It wasn't Ben who found the solution. It was Gabriella. She knew what Ben's heart needed and found in herself the capacity to love him that way. She showed Catherine how to do it, as well. You should speak to her. I've always loved Ben without limitation. It's in my nature," Tina explained.

Ben smiled at Rochelle. "I'm new to these friends with benefits relationships. I believed I was too firmly entrenched in a more traditional monogamist relationship, but that failed pretty spectacularly for me. When Gabriella, Catherine, and Tina all indicated they wanted to share my life, I had a terrible time at the start. Then Gabriella explained how it would work. I was doubtful at first, but she continues to amaze me. She doesn't just talk a good game. She lives it. She is probably the wisest person I know when it comes to matters of the heart. She has an infinite capacity for love. I'm just a poor student at her feet."

"Speak with her," Tina suggested firmly.

"Are you suggesting I join Ben's circle of friends with benefits?" she said incredulously to Tina, then looked at Ben, who was also looking at Tina but more thoughtfully.

"What I am suggesting is that you speak with Gabriella to see if she can help clear up your misconceptions of love. You seem to need to learn to love yourself first. Sometimes a friend can help you find your way to that. Gabriella is the best person to give that advice, and Ben is the best one to show you how true love can feel," Tina finished with a coy smile.

"Wisdom doesn't exclusively reside with Gabriella, it seems," Ben said while lovingly touching Tina's cheek. She gave him a brilliant smile in return and leaned into his touch.

Rochelle watched the exchange and longed to feel that way too. She was ashamed to admit to herself that she hadn't honestly considered Ben as more than a pretty distraction. To find love wasn't expected, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Tina's advice to speak with Gabriella was looking pretty timely. She decided that's what she would do. First, though, she needed to apologize to Ben.

"Ben, I also wanted to apologize for how I treated you last night. I think it may have just been in reaction to your aggressive rescue. I didn't know you could be that tough! Greg is a big violent man, yet he didn't stand a chance against you. You put him down, hard! That got my heart pounding pretty fast, and I got a little too... familiar with your body in the ambulance with the paramedic."

Ben blushed at the memory, and Tina looked at him curiously. "They were... handling my stuff while I was semi-conscious."

Tina's eyes flared angrily, and Rochelle winced. "Yeah, I'm really sorry I took liberties."

"There must be respect! Above all else!" Tina growled, and Ben's eyes widened at her aggression. He'd heard she was protective, but this was the first time he'd seen it. He liked it! It made him feel better about Tina's ability to cope with the challenges she'd face in the world.

"It is time for Ben's lunch. I suggest you speak with Gabriella as soon as you can," Tina finished and nodded to the woman slightly.

Rochelle caught the dismissal pretty clearly. She'd have to earn her way back into Tina's good graces. She got up, and Ben did as well with the help of his cane. He walked her to the door and helped her with her coat. As she turned to leave, Ben gripped her jacket's lapels and turned her to him. She looked up in surprise.

"Rochelle, know that you are an amazing woman. You're sexy as hell, gorgeous, smart, driven, and worthy of respect and love. Own that. Take it into your heart! Don't settle for anyone who doesn't also believe it!" Ben said firmly. She blinked up at him.

Then he kissed her, and she felt it all the way down to her toes.

"Believe it!" he growled when he finally pulled back from her trembling lips.

She nodded shakily and left the house in a daze. Ben walked back into the living room, leaning on the cane and pondering why a woman as fine as her would keep gravitating to such losers.

"I'd like to eat in the kitchen, please," he said to Tina. She lifted the tray and carried it to the other room as he followed her. He sat down at the kitchen table, and she sat next to him after making sure Christopher was happily exploring his new activity center in his playpen.

Tina reached out and took his hand. "You are a good man, Ben."

"Only because you make me one," he replied and dug into his lunch.

She wondered what he meant by that.

-=-

Gabriella heard the doorbell ring. She sighed and pushed herself back from her computer. She was putting together a significant addition to her distribution deal and had been working on the contract all morning. Her eyes were burning from staring at the screen, so the break was welcome.