The Strangeness Within Pt. 02

She slipped her hand down her panties, feeling the little hole, exploring it with her finger. It was fully healed. Whatever damage she'd done to herself didn't seem to matter, as though her body had been waiting for something like that. But the interior was so small, and it obviously didn't connect to anything inside her.

She realized she'd been holding onto the fantasy that they could manage something sort of like sex. The last few times she'd quietly touched herself in her sleeping bag, she'd felt something a little damp, maybe even slippery. It was as if her body were slowly assembling a caricature of a vagina. She couldn't deny the whole area was starting to feel sensitive in a good way.

But she could never fit even the head of Javier's penis in there. And he'd claimed he was just average-sized? Not that it mattered, since she doubted she'd ever find another man who'd be interested in her the way Javier seemed to be. And that was the truth of it. She couldn't bear the idea of pushing Javier away. Did that mean she loved him?

She rocked her hips gently, touching herself between the legs and brushing her nipples, resigned to imagining pleasures beyond her reach. And when she finally heard Javier coming back, she pretended to be asleep until it was true.

* * *

Esther breathed a sigh of relief to see Javier waiting outside the truck stop showers. Even though the cubicles locked, she still felt so vulnerable. It felt a lot better to be clean, but she so wished they had a place of their own. Sharing a house while they went to college. Or back home, with Father still alive and Javier right next door and a whole future in front of them.

She wrapped her arms around Javier, burying her head in his chest. He smelled clean, of course, but she liked his smell even when they weren't quite so clean. Last night as he'd stroked her she'd again felt that strange sharpness of sense, as though she could almost sort through all the smells simultaneously, the way that dogs could. And so many of them were just Javier against her. She thought she could even smell his excitement. Excitement to be with her.

She would have to tell him. But first thing: the lawyer.

They'd found a pay phone this morning and she'd nervously called the number Raj had given them. A polite man answered after two rings, and he'd been expecting the call. They were meeting him in San Jose in an hour.

When they got to the fancy office building, she was glad they'd cleaned up for the occasion. She was wearing the nicest dress she'd taken, and Javier had told her more than once how pretty she was. Of course he'd say that, but she liked hearing him say it anyway.

They were ushered into a plush office, and a small, balding man with glasses stood to shake their hands. She immediately trusted him.

"Just call me Paul," he said. "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Ms. Thompson. I will do everything I can to ease your burdens a bit."

Esther wiped away tears and nodded.

There were a bunch of questions to answer and papers to sign, but in the end it was simple. Where they agreed, Paul and Javier's Mamá would have the power to make certain decisions on her behalf.

"I will have to travel down there in person for a day or two," he said. "I know time is of the essence, so I intend to leave tonight."

"This must be very expensive," said Javier nervously. "Is -"

"Dr. Patel has generously offered to cover my expenses," he said. "Which I offered at a reduced rate for a case like this. Do not trouble yourselves about it. Now, I understand you have reasons to keep as distant from this matter as possible. If anyone presses, would you like me to offer that a relative was the one who sent me down?"

Esther nodded slowly. Her parents had never been close to their families. They'd implied it was something to do with religion, but now she wondered how much was a sacrifice aimed at keeping her safe.

"Could you tell my Mamá something?" blurted Javier. "Don't mention me or Esther. Just tell her that what's meant to be is meant to be. She'll understand."

Paul smiled. "I will certainly tell her that, and I imagine it will be a comfort."

* * *

Javier made a quick check on campus for a message from Raj, but there was nothing, leaving them at loose ends for the day. They drove to a park and sat under the trees.

Esther looked troubled, as though she needed to talk about something. Maybe it was about last night. He figured he'd let her get there in her own time. It was familiar and comforting to sit here quietly under the trees. After a while he got out his soccer ball, burning off some energy out on the field while Esther smiled and watched. When he'd tired himself out, he came to sit with Esther, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Javier," she said. He smiled encouragingly, but she couldn't seem to spit it out. Eventually she shook her head and got up to use the outhouse.

Esther didn't complain about dirty restrooms anymore. Or uncomfortable sleeping positions. She'd adapted surprisingly well, he thought, for someone who'd never really traveled much or done outdoorsy things. She had a kind of resilience to her, no matter how slight she appeared physically.

When she returned, she sat closer to him, leaning against his side. And Javier realized that despite everything, he was pretty darned happy with his life at the moment.

.........*** Chapter 8 ***.........

The setting sun lowered into a bank of fog over the ocean. For a moment the tallest buildings of the city and the top of the Golden Gate bridge shone brilliantly, before they too settled into the dusky shadows.

"I'm glad we came here," said Esther. "It's beautiful."

She hadn't been as enthusiastic about visiting San Francisco as Javier. But even amidst the oppressive crowds, she could see why he thought it was a beautiful city. They'd gone to some famous tourist places, and gotten tacos from a street vendor. Javier had even gotten the old man to laugh at a joke in Spanish. She hadn't seen Javier so happy in a long while.

They'd driven over the Golden Gate bridge and found a beautiful viewpoint from the hills overlooking the city.

"See those campers?" Javier said. "Looks like no one will mind us spending the night here."

Esther should bring it up tonight. The longer she waited, the harder it would be. Last night she'd been too nervous, and Javier had sensed something was off, not trying to start anything intimate with her.

As evening progressed the wind became uncomfortably cold, and they retreated to the car. Esther read some more of the cryptography text, which was a lot denser than the other textbooks she'd read. There were so many strange and beautiful ideas coming together in her mind, the way it always felt when she was learning mathematics quickly. Like a great glowing lattice of interconnections.

"Let's go to bed," she said. "I just want to lie with you and talk."

Javier leaned over to kiss her on the cheek, and they went through their now-familiar routine of squeezing into the back.

"I've been thinking about the mathematician, Ramanujan," she said.

"The one from the biography?" Javier asked.

She nodded. "He was a self-taught genius. When he sent some of his own work to the top mathematicians in England, they turned out to be a mix of well-known results, difficult theorems, and some completely new formulas. They were so impressed that they invited him to England, and he helped revolutionize the field. Even today they're still finding some old notes containing results no one else had discovered. But he was never comfortable in England. He got sick and died very young."

"I can see why Raj has been thinking of him," said Javier. "But what a sad story."

She nodded. "Here's the thing. Ramanujan claimed that many of the results came to him in divinely inspired dreams. He had more difficulty sometimes going back to rigorously prove the results. I'm obviously not so skilled a mathematician, and yet there's something familiar-sounding about that. The way I have feelings about difficult problems, before I can work out the details. I wonder if he could have been like me and Lukas."

"You don't get sick," said Javier hurriedly.

"Well, not so far," she said. "Things about me are still changing." She stopped for a minute. Now would be a perfect time. But she couldn't see how to bring it up.

Javier stroked her arm. "If there are two like you, there are probably more," he said. "And I suspect Raj didn't choose that biography randomly."

She nodded and held his hand.

"The biography doesn't mention anything odd about Ramanujan's appearance," she said. "And Raj said that Lukas's features were less obvious than mine. If there's some set of genes responsible, or whatever it is, I seem to have more of it. What does that mean for me? My parents thought I was an angel. I can't wrap my head around that idea. I don't feel blessed."

She started to cry. Javier put his arms around her. At some point he started to stroke her low on the back, and her body began tingling. She wanted him to keep doing it, and it was simultaneously the last thing she wanted.

"No, not now, Javier," she muttered, kissing him on the neck. He immediately stopped.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't thinking. That was terrible timing."

"No," she said. "It felt nice. But I have to say something to you."

"All right," he said, pulling away to look at her seriously.

His eyes were so kind, as though anything she said would be all right. And she wanted it to be true.

"Two nights ago," she said. "When I reacted so badly to you touching me."

He nodded, his expression softening even more.

"It was — I should have told you already. I can't, I mean, you can't -"

Esther couldn't take it back once she said it, and it would forever change things between them. She couldn't do that, not yet. She expelled her breath in a big sigh.

"How about this," Javier said slowly. "Did you like the other things we did, until I touched you between the legs?"

"Oh, most definitely," she said.

"How would you feel if you kept your pants on from now on? Indefinitely, I mean. If I never tried to touch close to that spot, unless you told me you wanted it."

She thought about it. Really, it was exactly what she wanted: to put off explaining to him, and just hold onto what they had. It felt like cowardice. But he'd suggested it himself.

"I'd like that a lot," she said. "And there are still plenty of things we can do, right?"

Javier leaned over and kissed her on the neck.

"Right," he whispered near her ear.

* * *

Javier kissed Esther on the earlobe, and she laughed happily. She was such a confusing bundle, so full of joy and nervousness. He loved it. He loved her.

Javier hadn't truly admitted those words to himself. But he knew it was true, down to his bones.

She was so hung up on that one part of her body. Maybe her parents had instilled a terror of what would happen if she let boys touch her pussy. Maybe she wanted to wait, for whatever reasons of her own. She'd alluded to how strange her body was, and no doubt there was something there she was uncomfortable about. But he didn't see how it mattered. The unusual parts of her he'd seen were gorgeous. Exotic. He couldn't wait to find enough privacy to see her properly, whatever she would share.

He nibbled on her earlobe and she gripped him tightly around the back. She was a beautiful, healthy woman, and he wanted to give her pleasure more than he'd ever wanted anything. She certainly deserved it.

Women all worried about their bodies. Clara thought she was fat, which was ridiculous. She had nice curves, hips you could hold onto, and breasts - he sighed. Best stop thinking about her.

Another girlfriend had confided worries about her labia. He'd never even known that was a thing, that apparently they weren't supposed to stick out too much or something. Or maybe it was just her hangup.

And then there was Billy's ex-girlfriend, Mei. Billy couldn't keep his mouth shut about things any sensible person would. So now Javier and half the soccer team knew Mei had a gargantuan clitoris. For a week he hadn't been able to look at her without imagining what she looked like down there. It wasn't an unpleasant image, but probably she was uncomfortable about her body, all the more if she'd heard the slightest whiff of gossip.

He stroked Esther's back, marveling again when she shivered at his touch. It was wonderful the way she was different. He was sure the rest of her differences would be equally wonderful. The mystery only made it all that much more enticing.

Esther moaned lightly, and to his surprise she reached to stroke his dick through his pants. He wasn't going to complain about that, for sure. His dick hardened quickly and he had to shift himself.

"That must be inconvenient sometimes," Esther murmured.

"You don't know the half of it," he said, causing her to laugh.

He kissed her chest and she arched her back slightly. Step by step he worked his lips down over her T-shirt, towards the modest rounding of one breast. She squeezed his hand, her breathing moving faster. When he found her nipple through the fabric she gasped lightly, and he gently kissed around and over it for a while.

"OK," she said softly, as though to herself. She pulled away from him and worked her T-shirt over her head. Then she reached for her bra, and his heart pounded.

In the dark, there was nothing particularly unusual about her. Small, dark nipples and areolae set against her ivory chest. Some extremely cute freckles.

"You're gorgeous," he said.

"Could you keep kissing me there?" she said nervously. "And rubbing my back."

He pulled off his own shirt and put his arms around her. He took his time, starting at the base of her neck, kissing his way to her other breast. She was breathing heavily, but it was pleasantly cool in the car, and she didn't ask him to stop.

When he got close, he leaped his lips to her nipple, sucking it between them.

"Oh! Oh, God!" she whispered, and then laughed nervously. But she leaned into him and stroked his head. He took his time learning the feel of her nipple, holding it gently between his lips and licking around it. When he took most of her breast in his mouth, she sighed happily. Her hand had moved to her other nipple, mirroring what he was doing.

On impulse, he moved towards the center of her chest, licking and kissing lightly over the freckles. He reached a slightly rougher patch of skin, similar to what he felt on her back.

Esther moaned deep in her throat, pressing his head against her. With difficulty he maneuvered his lips and tongue, tracing the edges of the sensitive patch and then making little moves across it. With the other hand he began to massage her unattended breast.

"Javier," she gasped, "I've never felt anything like this. I - everything is —"

Then she made an uncomfortable sound and pushed him away. Slightly hurt, Javier tried to compose himself.

"Police!" she whispered. "There's a policeman coming." She quickly pulled her shirt on and wriggled into her sleeping bag.

Javier did the same, putting his hand cautiously on her hair. She was still hyperventilating.

Nothing happened for a bit, so he lifted his head up cautiously. There was a policeman standing next to his patrol car in the distance. After one last glance at the cars and campers, he got in his car and drove off without any special lights.

"It's OK," said Javier. "He's gone. Probably checking that there's nothing crazy going on here."

"You mean like people having sex?" Esther said with a nervous laugh.

"I doubt he was worrying about that," he said with a smile. "How did you know he was there, anyway? Did you see him?"

Esther lay still for a while.

"I don't know," she said slowly. "I just knew he was there."

"Maybe you heard or saw him," he said. "But you were too preoccupied to notice consciously. Was everything feeling all right, up until then anyway?"

"Yes," she sighed, rolling closer to him. "More than all right. I've never felt like that before. It was like the whole world was opening up to me. I could feel every little hair on my body, and you were so — oh, it's hard to describe. It was beautiful. Did I have an orgasm?"

He kissed her happily. "Maybe," he said. "You couldn't tell? I know it's hard sometimes with girls. Uh, do you mean you never —"

She buried her head. "No," she said uncomfortably. "What - what are they usually like?"

"For me or for girls?" he asked, amused.

"Uh, girls I guess," she said uncomfortably. "I know it's different for guys."

"Well, I'm not exactly the best authority," he said.

"Who else am I going to ask?" she said lightly. But there was something serious underneath it.

"All right," he said uncertainly. "Uh, do you want a general impression?"

"Why don't you just tell me specifically what it was like for a girl you were with. How she responded physically, however she described it, that kind of thing. I mean, if any of them -"

Javier sputtered. "Um, yeah, I guess could do that." What a strange request. But it seemed really important to her. He took a deep breath. Clara. He'd done the most with her.

"OK," he started. "She - when she was really aroused, her face and chest would flush red. That was really the sign she was close. And her clitoris was really hard, and she was so wet it could get messy. Uh, you sure this is OK?"

"Yes," Esther said. "Please, Javier."

"She would start to spasm. Um, her vaginal walls. All the muscles around there, I guess. It would get really regular, a little slower than a heartbeat, and then her whole body would tense, and she would clamp really hard on - uh, anything inside her. She'd gasp a couple times and sometimes moan really loudly. I guess it would go on about a half-minute or so usually. She said it was the best thing she'd ever felt, like all of her body's nerves were alive with pleasure. And then she'd be really relaxed, and not want to be touched. But that was just Cl - I mean, I don't think that's universal. A lot of this is different from one girl to another."

Esther sighed. "Did she ever say anything about her sense of smell, or any of her senses really? Did they get much more acute?"

"No," he said slowly. "I haven't heard of that. It sounds wonderful."

"It was," Esther said. "Maybe that's how I knew about the policeman. I probably heard him in that complicated mess of sensations. But Javier, I didn't have any of the rest of that. I was enjoying everything, but I didn't feel a wave of physical pleasure. Just a really big batch of sensory information. But maybe that's just how I am. It kind of makes sense, given ..."

She didn't finish the thought.

"But you enjoyed it?" said Javier.

"Yeah," she said. "It was nice enough."

"Then maybe it doesn't matter," he said. "It sounds remarkable. Plus, maybe it's not the only thing your body can do. I've never known a girl who could have an orgasm without - I mean, doing what we were doing."

Esther didn't reply. After a minute or two he stroked her face and was shocked to feel her silent tears.

"I'm sorry," she said. She shuffled around in her sleeping bag and stroked his hip with her hand.

"Nothing to be sorry about," he said. He knew he'd said something wrong, but he didn't understand. As if to reinforce that, he suddenly felt her hand rubbing firmly on his crotch.

"Uh," he said. "I'm not sure this is the right time for that."

"Would you like me to try using my mouth?" she asked. "The book said that works really well to get men erect."

He took her hand.

"Esther," he said. "What I mean is if you're upset, then I'm upset and my body won't respond right."

"Oh," she said. "I thought boys were simpler than that."

Javier burst out laughing. "Not really," he said. "Maybe simpler in some ways than girls, but that's not saying much. We still have to be in the mood. And for me that means being with someone who's enjoying herself."