The Strangeness Within Pt. 02

And then there was the scary incident last night. He'd been busy with dinner, and then he'd just thought she needed some time alone. He'd gotten used to protecting Esther from people out there in the world. He hadn't expected to be protecting her from herself.

After lunch they went for a walk, continuing on the road where their car couldn't travel.

"Sorry I'm so slow," said Esther, stopping to sit on a rock. She was breathing heavily, but she looked less unhappy than earlier.

"I have nowhere to be," said Javier. "It's so beautiful here, and the company is good."

In truth, he felt like taking a run. He'd been far too inactive during their travels and his body was feeling sluggish. But he was happy to be moving at all. Maybe he'd take a run tomorrow and give Esther some space. But his mind circled uncomfortably back to the incident in the stream.

"Do you think Raj is going to be all right?" she asked.

"I hope so," he said. "You know, the fact they chose to blackmail him seems like a good sign. If they think they cut him off as an ally, there's not much reason to — do him any more harm. We'll have to let them think they succeeded, I guess."

"I hate that we put him in danger. That we turned his life upside down," said Esther. "So many people now, all because of me."

"Not because of you," Javier said. "Because of whoever it is who wants you."

Esther shook her head. "I don't want to think about this. Let's go back to the camp. I want to distract myself."

Javier met her eyes, and she blushed.

"I can help with that," he said. "Whatever you'd like."

* * *

When they returned, Esther went in the tent to change.

"I'm ready," she called nervously after a few minutes.

He unzipped the door and climbed in. Esther was naked from the waist up, and she'd changed into her little shorts as well. She lay on her side, facing away from him.

"You can touch me on the legs," she said. "Just not any higher."

"Close your eyes," Javier said. He knelt beside her and planted a kiss on her on the cheek, continuing down along her jaw line. She seemed very tense, so he started to knead and rub her upper back. Her muscles were so slight that he hesitated to squeeze too hard.

"That feels good," she said. "Your hands are so strong."

When he reached the first rougher patch low on her back, he lightened his touch.

"No, keep doing what you were doing," she said. "Even harder."

When he kneaded her there, she groaned and stretched her legs. Javier didn't quite know what this was doing for her, but he kept at it until she sucked in her breath.

"Too sensitive now," she said, sounding frustrated. She rolled on her back and opened her eyes. They were so beautiful, shining as bright as ever. The blue in the left iris almost matched the bright nipple that jutted below.

Javier bent to make love to her and she sighed in satisfaction, giving herself over to every lick, every brush of his finger, stroking his face and his chest and his dick through his pants until she suddenly held him still, her eyes wide and yet not seeing.

"Esther?" he said after a minute or so.

Slowly she focused her eyes on him, smiling in confusion.

"It happened again," she said. "The not-really-an-orgasm. Whatever it is, I like it. It's a little different every time. Here in the forest it's beautiful, with all these little rustlings and smells and tastes in the air. But there's something drawing me higher, as though that's where my true home is."

"I'm not sure I understand," said Javier after a time. But he smiled, stroking the fine fur low on her stomach.

"Me neither," said Esther. "But it was nice. Is now a good time to put my mouth on your penis?"

Javier laughed and kissed her. "It is the perfect time," he said, reaching for the snap of his jeans.

The perfect time, he repeated to himself when her lips finally touched the tip.

.........*** Chapter 11 ***.........

They couldn't stay here forever. She knew that. Little bits of reality kept intruding, like their slow trip back out to buy more food earlier that week. They'd have to go all the way down to the Bay Area in a few days to check for a message from Raj.

But she'd stopped feeling the urgency about meeting the old woman. She was suspended in time, in a little paradise with Javier.

She'd woken him up this morning using her mouth, and this time she'd ignored him when he warned he was going to come. It wasn't quite as easy as she'd imagined. There was a lot more to swallow than she'd expected, and the consistency was strange. But he'd given her a look of such incredulous joy that she knew she would do it again. Maybe not every time, though. So it would still be a surprise.

She thought about waking him that way again, from his beautifully sprawled post-dinner nap. He'd been out all afternoon, running and hiking along the stream, something she'd encouraged more and more. She loved being with him, but sometimes he seemed to think she needed constant supervision. As though she were fragile and helpless on her own. And she knew he was always worrying about the further future, something she didn't want to think about at all.

Javier shifted and opened his eyes.

"Esther," he murmured, reaching for her. His bare chest pressed against her shoulder, and all of a sudden he was rolling on top of her, his body enfolding hers and yet keeping just enough space. Never quite touching her where she longed and dreaded to be touched. Always remaining painfully faithful to his promise.

She ground her back against the blankets and locked her lips against his, struggling to pull his underwear down. When his penis sprang free, she began stroking him firmly, the way that would get him to orgasm most quickly.

He slid down and kissed her the way he'd learned, all along the edges of the freckled patch on her chest, then across, gently brushing his fingers around her nipples. She felt her senses sharpening, faster than ever. An owl hooted far in the distance. The stream far below them was a raging torrent in her ears, the water practically tickling her lips, the frigid splashes tingling all across her skin.

When Javier moaned she felt every vibration in the air between them, and then her own vibrations mingling with his. They were conjuring something fantastical, a spiraling of possibilities beyond her imagination.

She found herself wriggling lower, until her face was in his chest, his penis trapped between them even as she kept stroking. She pressed her crotch against his leg, hardly believing what she was doing. The fabric of her shorts wrinkled against her sensitive skin, the sensations almost unbearably sharp.

Javier didn't notice at first, and then he weakly tried to pull away. But she'd never felt anything quite like this. The pleasure wasn't focused in any one place, but squeezing around his leg amplified everything. Her back, her nipples, her chest, even low between her buttocks. And in that secret space she still didn't understand.

"I'm coming," Javier mumbled, but she knew it already. She felt his orgasm from every part of his body, his individual muscle fibers contracting in thunderous synchrony, each pore opening with sweat, the fresh and sharp scents of his semen a bouquet she could pull apart and rearrange in her mind. The smells of the forest, and underneath it all the constant pull from the deep woods beyond. Like a slow heartbeat of the world itself. Time stretched and expanded. Javier's orgasm was long finished now, her brain struggling to sort through all the glorious sensations. Finally she opened the eyes she hadn't realized she'd closed.

"I love you," Javier said, his eyes moist. "Did that feel good for you?"

"It was the best yet," she said, smiling at the mess his orgasm had left on both of them. Neither of them seemed to mind for now. She watched her fingers stroke his sticky chest, feeling barely tethered to her body.

"Javier. I have to tell you something."

He tilted his head up, immediately listening. His compassionate eyes contained a promise, that nothing she said would change how he felt. She rushed ahead.

"You know I'm different," she said. Her own voice was so terribly far away. "I'm so sorry I haven't had the courage to explain. We - we can't have sex. My body isn't made that way. And I can't have children."

She watched his eyes widen, the quick shock and then more than a hint of disappointment. He blinked once, and it was gone, replaced by a warm smile.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I love you exactly the same. We've already been giving each other so much pleasure, and who knows how many things we haven't discovered? And I can't say I've thought seriously about children anyway. It feels so far off. But I like thinking about the two of us together long enough to decide what to do about that."

She nodded. It was a kind, mature response. But Javier was always good at that. She hadn't missed that first reaction, and she knew things would never be the same between them.

Her own body was a leaden weight. The tent smelled of sweat and plastic, and she couldn't hear the stream at all.

"Thank you, Javier," she whispered. For trying so hard to be a good partner. For putting aside his entire life for her.

* * *

Javier knew things would be different now. She'd finally let go of the secret she'd been holding on to, all but the little details. Those would come out in time. She'd trusted him, and that meant everything.

It was a bit strange to wrap his head around. Of course he'd had his fantasies, of her lowering her delicate body onto his dick, her warm pussy engulfing him tightly, the two of them making love all afternoon in the woods. He loved that moment of penetration. Even with Clara there had been this electric connection when they'd joined bodies. He'd dreamed of doing the same with Esther, but the connection they had was already so much stronger than anything he'd ever felt. He'd meant everything he said. They'd already been making love, hadn't they? Just without penetration. He couldn't wait to explore the little details. To help Esther love the body she had.

His memories reached back to the night he'd found her bleeding in her room. Had she hurt herself then in a way that meant she couldn't have children, or even sex? He couldn't imagine how awful she would feel if that was what had happened. "All my fault," she'd said.

Better not to speculate. He'd already made a mistake by assuming too much about the parts of her he didn't know. She needed to show him in her own time. And he would try his hardest to love her exactly as she was.

.........*** Chapter 12 ***.........

Esther lay awake, staring at the dim tent ceiling and thinking of Father.

She floated above an immense pool of grief, an oily mix of terrible chance and decisions she couldn't unmake. And perhaps destiny. Her life set on its path by her intrinsic otherness.

If she let herself touch the pool, she would drown. But right now that didn't seem such a terrible fate. Her very existence meant sorrow and pain for anyone close to her. Even now Javier was convincing himself he could lower his already diminished expectations for the future.

She thought about Father's gentle hands lifting her up on the counter, so she could watch the birds through the window. His look as she'd prattled on about the mathematics textbook she'd found, his fierce pride when he realized that she'd already surpassed his understanding of the subject. The smell of his aftershave.

The grief enveloped her, filling her in a cold, sensual way. She was submerged, and maybe she was drowning. But she could still feel her body, and Javier's resting against her. The scratchiness of her bra against her skin, the sigh of the light breeze through the trees. And she felt the pull again, stronger than ever, though this time it was back down the road they'd come. As though she should just get in the car and drive away. Away from Javier, from her life, from everything.

She sat up, finished dressing, and fumbled her way out of the tent. Javier didn't stir.

Once outside, her head began to clear. It was pleasantly cool, the night overcast and very dark under the trees. She wandered off to take a bathroom break, feeling pleasantly unmoored, drifting on the sea inside her. Not drowning at all.

She still felt the lingering pull down the road, and she found herself walking slowly. The longer she was out, the calmer she felt. She'd stop and turn around when she got tired.

The forest swallowed her footsteps. Trees that would outlast her and everyone she knew.

She'd gotten almost all the way to the bottom of their little road, to its intersection with a bigger one. Not more than a half mile, but it was a long walk for her. She paused, feeling something strange.

An arm grabbed her around the midsection, knocking the breath out of her. She flailed in panic, bumping a man behind her. It wasn't Javier. She gasped for air, trying to call out, but a hand clamped over her mouth. He was much stronger than her. Daniels? She struggled even harder in her terror.

"Mark!" another voice said sharply in front of her. A young woman, though Esther could barely make her out in the dark.

"She has to come willingly," the woman said. "Abuela said she must be willing."

The man's grip eased slightly, but he kept his hand over her mouth.

"She was going to call out," he said. "There is another person, up the road."

The woman stepped closer.

"We are not here to hurt you," she said. "I'm Nicola, and this is Mark. Abuela says a friend of yours contacted her for help. You are in trouble, right? Being chased by some assholes? We can take you somewhere safe."

Esther stopped struggling. Abuela. Perhaps that was the old woman that Raj had contacted. How had they ever found her, though?

"It is late," said Nicola. "Make your decision. Either trust us or go back to whatever depressing life you were eking out here. I don't personally care, but Abuela was very insistent. Now, Mark is going to let go of you, but don't call out to your friend back there. Mark?"

She felt Mark reluctantly release her. Esther moved away a step, facing both of them.

"Why should I trust you?" she asked. "How do I know you're not with - whoever they are?

Mark barked a short laugh.

"You don't," said Nicola. "But tell me this. Have you been feeling something pulling you up into the hills? Something that made you feel like that was the right place to go?"

Esther started. How could they know that?

"That is Abuela," Nicola said. "She says your place is with us. When she decides that, people like us know it and go to her. You must be very weak, because she has been trying to attract your attention a good while now. I felt it right away, and it was impossible to ignore."

"How could she do that?" Esther said. "What do you mean, people like us?"

Mark laughed again, not very kindly.

"You're ignorant," Nicola said. "But that's to be expected, I suppose. Now, are you ready to come?"

Esther's heart pounded. She didn't entirely trust these two, but she knew in her heart this was her only chance. They knew something about what she was, and she was ignorant. Abuela was the woman she had been looking for.

"All right," she said. "Let me just get — my friend, and we can come with you."

"No," said Mark, putting his hand lightly on her wrist. "Not him. The offer is only for you. Come now, or don't come at all."

Esther felt herself teetering on a precipice. She couldn't leave Javier. It would be horrible to him, and would tear her own heart in two.

But without some knowledge and respite, she could foresee what their lives would be. Never a moment's rest, always looking over their shoulder, living hunted and alone. Javier would gladly do it, all to be with someone who could never even give him everything a partner deserved. It wasn't fair to either of them, but there was nothing she could do for herself. There *was* something she could do for him, not that he'd ever thank her.

"All right," she said. "I'll come. But I have to leave him a note, so that he doesn't come chasing after me."

"He could do that if he wanted," said Mark, sounding amused. "He'd never find us without Abuela's permission."

"Let me write it anyway," she said. "I won't come unless I can tell him that I'm safe."

Nicola sighed. "Fine," she said. "Abuela would be upset if we didn't do everything to persuade you. Come down to the truck and I'll look for paper."

Esther followed them a short distance to a big pickup truck, parked just off the main road. She wrote her note quickly, not trusting herself to think too much about what she was doing. When she finished she handed Nicola the pen and started walking back.

"No," said Mark. "I will take the note. You're too slow and noisy and I don't trust you."

"It's all right," said Nicola. "Mark, put it somewhere he can't miss. On the windshield of your car?"

Esther nodded reluctantly. She was going to have to start trusting these two, and Mark really had no reason not to leave her note.

Mark disappeared, quieter than a whisper. She waited awkwardly with Nicola.

"Are there a lot of people where we're going?" she asked.

Nicola paused. "Why don't we wait until we get there. I don't know what Abuela wants you to know beforehand."

Abruptly Mark reappeared. It seemed impossible he could have covered the distance so quickly. He was barely breathing hard.

"All right then?" he said impatiently.

"Wait," said Esther. "I don't believe you actually went up there. What does the camp site look like?"

With an annoyed sigh he described their beautiful campsite in a way that made it seem distinctly shabby. But he'd been there.

"Mark is an extremely fast runner," said Nicola. "I hardly believed it when I met him."

Mark grunted, giving Esther a nudge. She took a last look up the road and squeezed into the cramped bench behind the front seats. Then she put her head down and tried not to think about anything at all.

* * *

Esther was out of the tent when Javier finally rolled awake. He'd had such delicious dreams. He stretched and thought over breakfast options, frowning. Soon they'd have to make the long, bumpy drive for more supplies.

He didn't bother with any more clothes, slipping his shoes onto bare feet. Maybe it would amuse Esther if she caught him half-erect in his boxers. Maybe she'd do something naughty again. His dick went fully hard as he thought about it.

The camp site was quiet, so Esther was probably out peeing or washing in the stream. He walked to the car to rummage through the food.

Something was tucked onto the windshield: a piece of paper. Confused, he retrieved it.

Dearest J,

The woman found me. She knows things about me, things I have to learn if I'm ever to understand who I am. She will only take me. But I believe I am safe with her.

I've treasured our time together. I never imagined having this sort of love in my life, and I will never forget it. But I don't know who I am and what I'm becoming. This is my road to travel, and you have your own ahead of you. I've damaged other people's lives for long enough. I don't know when or if we will see each other again. What's meant to be is meant to be.

-E

Javier stared at the note and waited for the words to change around, like one of her codes. His mind must have just translated it wrong.

She was gone. Maybe forever.

Before he knew it he found himself running, down the road she must have taken. There would be some sign, some clue of where she'd gone. Maybe she'd only just left.

When he reached the intersection, he paused, gasping for breath. The woods were silent. Not even a car in the distance. He looked at the ground and saw tire prints, stopping a short distance up their side road. The tires were big and heavily treaded, like an off-road truck. There were too many tracks on the main road to know which way they'd left.