The Strangeness Within Pt. 04

"No," Esther said slowly. "Please stay. Something happened that I have to understand. Tell me exactly what you felt, if you can."

Nicola sighed and closed the door as best she could.

"I was feeling the table, the way I have been with everything. Trying to understand the chemistry, the smallest vibrations. And then it was like something was passing through me, a gigantic wave of vibration on every scale, and I felt you pulling on me like — shit, like Abuela. Did you really do that, Esther?"

"Not intentionally," she said. "Uh, I think that was me having an orgasm."

Nicola paused and then started laughing hysterically.

"That was an orgasm? Holy fuck, Esther, have I been doing it wrong?"

Esther started to laugh as well. "It was my first," she giggled. "Maybe they'll get less crazy."

"That's not how it went for me," Nicola gasped. "Not at all. Is your next one going to start a forest fire? Maybe you should give me a holler when you're getting close, just so I can prepare."

When they'd caught their breath, Nicola stroked her hair.

"I knew you were unusual," she said. "I'm sorry I've been a bitch to you for so long. Please don't light me on fire with your mind."

Esther laughed, but there was something serious underneath Nicola's banter.

"I'm scared," Esther said. "I have to go see Abuela right away. I don't want to hurt anyone, ever."

"I don't think you do," Nicola said slowly. "And fucking thank God for that. Now I'll leave you in peace."

.........*** Chapter 24 ***.........

"Earth to Javier," Rodrigo said. "I know you're ready to check out of this place, but we did agree to edit each other's essays, not stare out the window all period."

Javier smiled wanly. "Right. Prepare yourself for the red pen, buddy."

Rodrigo grinned back and Javier tried to focus on the essay. But he couldn't get that strange feeling out of his head, as though Esther had reached out her soft hand to pull him — somewhere. Away.

Rodrigo was right: he'd already checked out of school. But his grades would be fine. After that hectic end of the first semester, schoolwork was a breeze. And he spent most of his time these days in the library trying to do research, or else at Kat's lab.

He couldn't find any evidence of other people like Esther, which was no great surprise. And what little he'd learned about the NSA matched up with what he'd thought before. He doubted Fred Daniels and Myra Jackson worked for anyone he'd even heard of. It was probably time to reach out to Raj, but he was still so nervous about exposing the two of them to more danger. But Raj deserved to know that Esther was probably still safe in hiding.

When he got home, he turned on the cobbled-together computer Kat had given him, and fired up the modem connection to the college lab. He'd tested the software by e-mailing himself, so he knew the encryption and decryption worked. But there was so much he still didn't understand. There would be no way to undo it once he sent the mail.

He sighed, closed the connection, and went to start some dinner for Mamá.

"I think I'll go over to the lab again tonight, Mamá," he said.

She sighed. "You're working too hard, mijo," she said. "I hardly get to see you."

"It's exciting, Mamá," he said. "I think this is what I want to study in college. Computers are where everything is going to be."

"No doubt," Mamá said. "But they'll be there when you get to college, too. Say hi to Kat and tell her again she's welcome over for dinner any time."

"It's not like that, Mamá," Javier said, but she just smiled at him.

* * *

When the last student left, Javier wandered up to Kat's desk.

"Kat," he said. "Suppose I wanted to send an e-mail to someone really anonymously. I could encrypt it, but if someone snooped along the way, couldn't they tell where it had come from, even if they couldn't read it?"

"Most likely," said Kat warily. "There are ways you might try to hide that, but they're kind of iffy. And it always depends on what you're worried about. Are we talking some bored coworker, an administrator like me? A hostile government? The NSA?"

She said the last in a joking tone, but Javier couldn't bring himself to smile. He was an idiot, way out of his depth.

"Javier, is this a thought experiment or do you have some reason to ask?"

"Just wondering," he said, blushing and walking back to his computer. A few seconds later he heard Kat get up.

She sat on the table and looked at him until he met her eyes.

"So," she said. "You don't seem the stalker type. And you obviously really do enjoy what you're learning. But there's something else going on here. That cryptography text in your bag? No one just picks up a book like that and tries to get through it for the hell of it. Even Samuel would think twice. So that leaves just one possibility for whose book it is, and I have to wonder what the hell any of this has to do with Esther."

Javier jerked nervously, looking reflexively to the door.

"OK," she said. "Let's go for a walk. There's a nice quiet spot I go when I need to collect my thoughts."

Javier expected her to take him to a local park, but instead she led him up the emergency stairs. At the top she pulled out a key and opened the door to the roof.

"I talked my way into access at some point. Ventilation for the server rooms, blah blah blah. Anyway, no one ever comes up here."

It was a clear night, with the bright winter stars shining high above, washed out by the streetlights below and the distant glow from larger cities. They walked to lean on the railing.

Javier needed her help. There was no way he could somehow absorb in a few months what Kat already knew inside and out. And she had trusted him with a big secret of her own.

"If I ask for your help, I'll be putting you in danger," he said.

"Sounds intriguing," said Kat. "Go for it."

"I'm not joking," said Javier. "You probably think I'm being melodramatic, but the people I'm worried about have murdered and blackmailed friends of mine."

Kat paused.

"What, are we talking like drug cartel business here?"

Javier snorted. "You think just because I'm Mexican I know anything about that shit?"

"God, sorry," Kat said. "That was a stupid thing to say."

"No," said Javier. "It's a lot more reasonable than the actual story. But these people might be worse than the cartels."

"I hate them already," said Kat. "So tell me how we're going to fight them."

Javier started laughing, but Kat sighed.

"I'm stifling here, Javier," she said. "I'd be going across the country if I could manage it, but San Jose will have to do. And now it seems right under my nose there's a life-and-death struggle happening, involving one of the few people I actually like. So lay it on me and I'll tell you if I can help. Even if I can't, I'm used to keeping secrets."

And so Javier began to talk. He kept having to stop and go back to explain details. It was nothing like the crisp way Esther could tell a story, but in the end he got most of it across, aside the personal stuff.

"Wow," Kat said. "Wow. That is a crazy story. And I was right, I hate those fuckers. Killing Esther's dad? Outing Raj and his ex, just to warn them away? Who are these shitheads, anyway, and when can we start making them pay?"

Javier started to nod. She was right. This was about more than just keeping Esther safe. If there were people after Esther, there were probably others they needed to protect, and that meant stopping Daniels and Jackson and whoever else they worked with. It was a huge, scary thought.

"So, you see why I'm so paranoid?" Javier said. "How do you think I can get in touch with Raj?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I think there are two separate tasks. First you need to contact him securely in a one-time way. Then you need a long-term way of talking. I have ideas for both steps. Do you think we can talk openly down in the lab?"

"I don't know," he said. "It's possible they've bugged my house or Esther's house. Do you think they'd have noticed how often I was coming here?"

Kat sighed. "We can't be paranoid about everything. Whoever they are, they can't have infinite resources. Let's assume you convinced them that you'd moved on from Esther and wouldn't be any help to find her. You had me fooled, and apparently your entire school as well. So hopefully they're not actively following you and putting new bugs in place everywhere. Remember, in the end you need a human to sort through all that surveillance."

Javier nodded and followed her down to the lab. Kat sat at her workstation.

"You can disguise the origin of e-mails," she said. "The best thing is to send it from a place that is already many steps removed, and then obscure further. I'm going through a chain of secure logins now, through all the accounts I can think of. At the end of that, we'll send the e-mail to an anonymizer that will forward it on. OK. So does Raj even use PGP? Does he have a public key?"

"Yeah," said Javier. "I found some of his postings on a chess Usenet group. It's in his signature."

Kat smiled. "Well done. Now, step two. We really don't want Raj to start getting a barrage of anonymous e-mails. What would be better is a neutral place that you two could chat or leave messages. Something like, say, a server in L.A. that I remotely administer for a friend. Then each of you could connect from anonymous places, like a library, and with top-notch end-to-end encryption, voilà!"

"You've thought about this before, haven't you," Javier said with a laugh.

"Maybe a little," she smiled. "Prod a queer and you'll find a radical waiting to smash the hegemony."

It was past closing time when they'd finally gotten the e-mail sent. Kat offered to give him a lift, and he gratefully accepted.

"It's hard to believe," Kat said as she drove. "All this time. Learning cryptography, figuring out Unix at a breakneck pace. It was all for Esther. You must really love her."

"Yeah," said Javier. "I wish I knew she was all right. I wish I knew if I'll even see her again."

"I'm sure you will," said Kat. "See you later? I hope you hear from Raj soon."

"Me too," said Javier. "Say hi to María."

Kat sighed. "If she's talking to me tonight. Sorry, I shouldn't whine. Ups and downs, you know. Sleep well."

* * *

Esther sat across from Abuela, waiting for her to say something. Anything. The old woman seemed serenely unaware of Esther's existence, aside from the grumpy "Enter" she'd mumbled a half hour ago.

She closed her eyes and began a meditation. Something had changed, she was sure. But all she could sense was how closed-up she was, terrified of whatever had apparently burst *out* of her in that instant of orgasmic bliss. She couldn't understand how it was possible.

"I should have expected something like this, I suppose."

Esther opened her eyes. Abuela looked exhausted.

"What happened, Abuela?"

"You felt a measure of your capabilities," Abuela said. "And I have spent the last while attempting to undo the damage you did."

"Damage?" Esther was shocked. "Did I hurt someone? I still have no idea what I did."

"No, you did not hurt anyone directly," said Abuela. "But what you did could have been felt across great distances. For an instant you cried out for the attention of anyone sensitive enough to hear it. Do you think the only such people in the world are the four of us here?"

Esther shook her head.

Abuela gave her a tired smile. "But truly, it was my fault. I have been so eager for you to open your sensitivity, hoping you would be as strong as I suspected. You are that, and more. Now we will talk, and I will answer some of your questions. And then we will start the true training you will need, because in this moment you are a danger to all of us."

Esther gathered her thoughts. There were so many questions.

"Abuela, what do you do? What is it you want me to do?"

"Right to heart of it," Abuela said, smiling. "That is fair. It will take a while to explain fully, but the gist of it is straightforward. I attempt to keep those like us safe and hidden. And that has become a harder and harder task over the years. Much harder recently, just as my strength begins to fail me. Esther, I need help, and I need it soon. You are the only chance I have left to pass on the pitifully inadequate knowledge I have hoarded for so long."

"Abuela," Esther said. "How old are you? How many like us have you known?"

Abuela nodded and was silent for a time.

"I believe there may be several hundred of us in this country. Perhaps many more. But most of them have subtle enough changes that they will live out their lives unaware. As for myself: I do not remember anything before I was five years old. Or so the priests guessed my age, when I wandered into their mission. I was light-skinned and I had no memory, so they assumed I was a Spanish orphan of Indian raids. It was eighteen-hundred-twenty-four. "

Esther swallowed. Even given what she already knew, Abuela was ancient.

"I stumbled into my parents' backyard when I was eight," Esther said. "No memories. They had only hours before lost their daughter, of the same age."

"Curious," Abuela said. "One thing I have learned is this: the first changes come before birth, but there is a more profound series of mental changes later. The great majority of those like us seem to experience them before they form memories. If these changes occurred late for us, perhaps it explains our amnesia. But that alone does not answer many questions for either of us."

"Do you know anyone else who — changed as late as me?"

"No," said Abuela. "And I must tell you that you could be years older than you think. I grew very slowly, to the confusion of the missionaries. I suspect that had also been true even before my memories began."

"What do we do, then? If it is just heightened senses, how could I have called out to Nicola? And how can you keep people safe?"

The old woman sighed. "I think this may be easier to show than describe. You asked me if what we do is magic, or a religious miracle. You have already heard Nicola's theories based solely on physical principles. Esther, I have lived a terribly long life, and I still do not know. But you may be better able to see the larger picture than I am. Before I start, could you describe what you saw when your mind opened?"

"Connections," Esther said immediately. "Glowing like a giant woven structure. I could perceive some of the patterns, governed by mathematical rules I began to glimpse. But the totality was far beyond my comprehension."

"Yes," Abuela said, staring at Esther. "Beyond anyone's, I should hope. What you glimpsed was the structure of everything there is, I believe. Or at least one way of viewing it. I do not perceive it in quite the same fashion, but I suspect your mathematical training has prepared your mind better than mine. I was much older than you when I felt anything like what you describe. Now, child, take my hand. I will attempt something that is likely to be extremely unpleasant for you, but I can think of no alternative if you wish to proceed. You are scared and holding yourself tightly, and I will first have to force your senses open. Do you consent?"

Esther hardly had a real choice, but this language clearly meant something for Abuela. Like saying grace, whether you fully believed it or not.

"Yes, Abuela."

Abuela's hand was cool under hers. It was so delicate. And within that body was a terrible strength, a strength Abuela believed Esther shared.

"Close your eyes, and keep breathing as steadily as you can. Once again, I am sorry, my child."

It came first as a kind of low humming, below her hearing, and then it crescendoed to a buzz that felt as though bees were swarming her body. Strange lights flashed behind her eyelids, like the ones Javier described when he got his rare headaches. Her skin burned hot, then cold, and she felt Abuela's cool presence converge from all sides, plucking at her skin and touching her far more intimately than anyone ever had, until she wasn't even left her dignity to hide behind. Something cracked and she began to cry, but her mind knew why Abuela was doing this. And with a shudder she finally felt herself unravel, her senses slave to Abuela's unstoppable power.

It was like a map. A two-dimensional graph, with colors and nodes and lines, disappearing off into the hazy distance. Like a simplified version of the chaos that Esther had glimpsed. They floated above it all, disconnected entirely from the rest. Abuela *leaned* somehow, and the perspective changed slightly. All of a sudden they rushed towards a nearby collection of nodes, and other senses flared to life, a jumble of colors and smells and tastes and emotions. Amongst the sensations she recognized Nicola and Mark, sitting at the dining table, looking worried. Esther wanted to listen, but she had no control over their progress, and in an instant they were skimming across the abstract space of lines and nodes. As they moved she caught flashes of sensation too subtle for her to understand. Abuela clearly knew where she was going, though.

Suddenly she felt trees around her. The forest seemed familiar, but she knew they were some distance away. She could smell the pines, but all she could see clearly was a single branch. One pine cone, nearly ready to fall.

She felt the tiniest shudder from Abuela, and the cone fell.

Esther gasped and jerked, and Abuela groaned. Suddenly she was seated across from Abuela, just as before. Abuela groaned again and slowly opened her eyes.

"Esther, child," she said with fatigue. "You are much stronger than you realize. I know you are not trying to fight me, but that was taxing. Perhaps it was enough for you to understand a little. Tell me what you perceived."

Esther did her best to describe everything. It was almost like a dream, though. Her memory wasn't holding onto the shape of things very well.

"Good," Abuela said. "Do you begin to understand how we can affect the world even at a distance?"

"I'm not sure," Esther said. "You made that cone fall, I know. But how could you have done it? Did you use your voice, or your body somehow? It was balanced finely, but surely it was too far away. Is this the magical part we won't be able to analyze?"

Abuela smiled. "Perhaps. But I will attempt nonetheless, in terms Nicola might appreciate. When Jacob was here, we had many interesting discussions. He taught me about something called chaos theory. Ah, I see you are familiar with it. Sensitive dependence on initial conditions. Amplification of small changes into much larger ones. A butterfly flapping its wings affecting the formation of a tornado."

"But that's the problem," Esther said. "How can you know which tiny local changes will result in the distant effects you want? Every random change could potentially cause this sort of amplification. And conversely, surely most effects of interest are impossible to achieve no matter what small local changes we make."

"Yes, Esther," Abuela said with a smile. "You are exactly right. And therein lies our role: knowing which butterflies are available to us at all, and exactly when we should have them flap their wings. It is an incredibly demanding task of senses, intellect, and intuition, and it has been beyond the capabilities of all others I have met. I had hopes for Lukas, but I failed to bring him here. And so the task falls to you. Your spectacular outburst earlier shows you have the potential, if you choose to attempt it."

"I do," she said slowly. She wanted to ask more about Lukas. About everything. But Abuela already looked so tired. "What do we do next?" Esther asked.

"Right now I will teach you some calming meditations that should keep your abilities from manifesting in such an explosive way. But remember what I said. You are dangerous, and for the moment you should allow yourself to remain closed off, as you have instinctively done once again. We will rest, and tomorrow we will begin spending many hours together. It will be exhausting for both of us, but I hope not as unpleasant as our first experience together was."