The Strangeness Within Pt. 04

"It was necessary," Esther said.

Abuela simply sighed unhappily. When the old woman had finished her instruction, Esther asked one last question.

"Am I supposed to keep what we discussed secret from the others?"

Abuela sat still for a while. "I said my task was to keep people like us safe. Early on I learned the value of secrecy, as you did. It has always seemed safest to ensure as few as possible understand the full range of our capabilities. Even others like us. This is why I have been so silent about anything beyond your lessons, even my own personal life. But perhaps it is not the only way. Esther, I wish you to be my successor. If you accept, then sooner than either of us would like, that will mean all of these decisions are yours. This is a different time, and you are a different person from me. Tell Nicola and Mark whatever you think is appropriate."

.........*** Chapter 25 ***.........

"There," Kat said. "Someone just logged in. From Switzerland! Oh, I think I like this professor."

Javier sat nervously at the keyboard. A short time later, someone began typing in the bottom half of the window. It was as though Raj were sitting right next to him.

What was she wearing the day you and I met?

Javier smiled. Of course Raj was suspicious.

"An old red soccer shirt of mine, sneakers, and her black gym sweatpants. What was in the bag for us?"

Money, a cryptography textbook, a debit card. Hello, Javier. So glad to hear from you. Are you there with the person who helped arrange this? I have some questions.

He let Kat take the keyboard, and the other two began discussing security details. Javier was pleased he could follow at least some of the discussion.

Javier, your friend is very resourceful, and more competent than I am. I am grateful for their help.

"He's being modest," said Kat. "He knows what he's talking about." But she seemed tickled by Raj's praise.

Thank you for letting me know Esther is probably safe. My own life is more settled than it was in my last message. I had a single new blackmail letter arrive, but the greatest danger from that is past. My old partner took the opportunity to reveal our former relationship to his wife, and it was nothing like the catastrophe he'd expected. I take great comfort in that. Times are surely changing for the better. Now, tell me everything you can about Esther's disappearance.

Javier filled in Raj on the details he hadn't put in the e-mail. Then he described his own cover story, and Myra Jackson's visit to his house.

"I've been trying to understand who they might be working for," Javier wrote. "None of this sounds like the NSA, does it? I've been digging through all the articles about secret agencies, and there are just too many of them. And none of them really match up with the behavior of those two."

I have a lead on that. I reached out to a few contacts from the time I was looking most intensively for Lukas. One of them has some links within the intelligence community, and he had some new information for me. There's apparently a group called 'The Unit'. A silly name, but they always are. He says there have been major increases in their budget and recruiting of late. Some sloppiness that allowed him to learn a bit. Apparently they are aggressively snatching the more gifted mathematicians from the other intelligence agencies. But no one knows exactly what they do.

"That sounds like them all right. But where do we go from there?"

I have more people to contact. Suppose I keep on the intelligence gossip end of this, and you dig further into the company Daniels and Jackson supposedly work for. InfoCorp.

Javier nodded. He'd already started on that. They had an office down in Orange County and another in Fresno. He was willing to bet that the pair was based in one of those locations.

They agreed to leave messages as they learned more, and then Raj signed out. Kat closed up the lab and drove Javier home as usual.

"Well, this is exciting," Kat said. "I've never been part of a counterespionage team."

"Mamá always tells me it's healthy to try new things."

Kat smiled. "You know, I have to admit a little part of me was still wondering if the whole thing was in your mind. Maybe you'd developed schizophrenia or something. But Raj blows that notion away."

"Yeah," said Javier. "Well, I guess I have a lot of research time in the library ahead of me. If you're ever bored you're welcome to join me."

"Actually, I have some ideas of my own," said Kat. "Some of my more radical hacker friends. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid without asking you first."

"I'm almost disappointed," said Javier.

Kat rewarded him by sticking out her tongue. "Give your best to your Mamá."

"Say hi to María."

Kat just shook her head, and Javier smiled understandingly.

* * *

Dear Kat,

Are you around this afternoon? I'd love to talk.

-Javier

He'd rewritten it three times already. Javier sighed and hit the send key.

Not ten minutes later, he got the response.

Javier,

Sounds fine. Want me to swing by?

Javier let out a sigh and sent his reply, then hung up the modem and headed downstairs. Mamá was in her usual Sunday pose, relaxing and reading a book in her favorite chair.

"Hi Mamá. Kat's coming over to pick me up in a bit."

Mamá looked at him. "The lab's not open today, is it?"

"No, we're just hanging out."

"Uh-huh."

Javier groaned. He probably should just let Mamá know so she'd understand.

"Mamá, Kat is a lesbian. We're really just friends. I'm capable of being just friends with a girl."

Mamá got up.

"I know you are, Javier. I'm sorry. Would you believe it, I think your mother is jealous. I want you to be able to talk to me about everything. And you'll be going off to college so soon. It's hard to let go."

He nodded and gave her a hug. "Don't let on about her being gay. Her family doesn't even know."

Kat arrived and they set off. Soon it was clear they were going to her apartment.

"Uh, will María mind?"

Javier had only run into her one other time, and that time she'd been fully dressed. He doubted he'd forget his first memorable look at her, though.

"María's away for a few days," said Kat. "Visiting family in Arizona."

"Oh," he said. "Well, I guess she won't mind, then."

"What she doesn't know," said Kat, winking. Javier swallowed uncomfortably.

The place was a bit neater than last time. Javier sat on the couch while Kat got them some drinks.

"What's on your mind? Some leads on InfoCorp?"

"No," said Javier. "I think I need your advice."

"Oh," she said. "Well, that's flattering. I'll see what I can do."

"Relationship advice," he said. "Kind of."

"Ah," said Kat.

Javier took a deep breath. "Is it cheating on Esther if I had sex with someone?"

Kat sat back and shook her head. "Have you been thinking you and Esther are still a couple? Just very long-distance or something?"

Javier shook his head. "Not really," he said. "She said we might never see each other again. That seems pretty final."

"Do you think she'd be upset if you found someone else in this indefinite period that might last for the rest of your lives?"

"No, of course not," Javier said. "She didn't even seem to get jealous, at least not much."

"What about you then," Kat asked. "Would you be upset if she was fucking someone else?"

He flinched. Of course he hadn't explained anything really personal about their relationship.

"That looks like a yes," Kat said. "So, either you're being unfairly jealous, or you just aren't over her yet. Given the massive project we're getting into on her behalf, I think we know which one it is. So let me guess, while you were having sex with this other person, you kept feeling guilty because of Esther."

"Pretty much," he said. "We said it was just sex, and maybe it wasn't much more than that. But it was good sex. And I still couldn't stop feeling guilty. And then I did it again. And again."

"Well," said Kat. "It doesn't sound like anyone is cheating, since that implies things being hidden from partners. But I bet feeling guilty because you think you're betraying yourself could feel similar."

That was it. Javier had an idea of who he was, and what his future could be with Esther. Sex with Samantha wasn't fitting comfortably.

"So what do I do?" he said with a groan.

"Give yourself a fucking break for once," said Kat. "There's no one being hurt except possibly you. If you really can't enjoy the sex, or it's making you feel emotionally worse, stop. But whatever you do, try to stop beating yourself up about it. People are made for sex. It's OK to enjoy it."

Javier looked up at Kat. She was really mad and not looking at him.

"Hey," he said. "You need to vent about something?"

"No," Kat said. "Ignore me. I didn't mean to let any of that spill out. Anyway, I meant it. Don't feel bad about the sex. If it's not working, then it's not working, but it's not wrong to want it."

"OK," Javier said. "I think you do need to talk. And I'm right here, so there's hardly a better time! We can use strong encryption if you're embarrassed."

Kat laughed and shook her head.

"María might be gone for good," she said. "There, I said it. We had another fight, and this one was nasty. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. She definitely said things she shouldn't have."

Kat stopped abruptly and got up, running to the bathroom. Javier heard the sound of water running, and other noises he couldn't identify. When she emerged, her eyes were red.

"I'm sorry, Javier. I don't process stuff like this very well. I think I'm fine, and then *bam*. I thought I could be supportive for you, that it would take my mind off everything. Instead it's all wrapping back to me again."

"Well," said Javier. "Then let's let it be about you for a while. Friendship's not one-way, right? So tell me about María. Or don't, and we can just complain to each other about women in general."

Kat snorted. "Yeah, that's about right. You know, María's my first really serious girlfriend. She was the one I was going to tell my parents about. We've been dating a year and a half, living together since last summer. We were so happy."

Javier nodded.

"It's practically impossible to meet women," she said. "High school was a wasteland. There were two other girls I thought liked girls. One did, but she didn't like me. The other liked me all right, at least enough to fuck me until she dumped me for a college girl. María was different. And god, she was attractive. I still don't know what she saw in me."

"A beautiful woman?" Javier asked.

Kat smiled. "You're ridiculously charming, aren't you, Javier? And thank you. Anyway, I think María and I did pretty well, and the sex was smoking. Uh, I hope this doesn't bother you."

"No, I'm OK," said Javier. "Just pretend I'm your gay friend and I'll pretend that too."

"Well, the sex was great to start," she said. "And for a while we seemed happy living together. But you know I told you how antsy I am being here. Every time I've tried to bring up San Jose, María puts it off. The last couple months we've been fighting about sex. Actually, we've been fighting about whether María is going to move with me, but the words we use are about sex."

Javier nodded. Kat was sitting right next to him, but it didn't feel right to give her a hug. For a while they didn't say anything.

"She called me a slut," Kat blurted.

"Another woman called you that?" Javier said in amazement.

"I guess you have no idea how cruel we can be to each other," she said, leaning against him. And this time he did put his arm around her.

"It's OK to enjoy sex," he said.

"Wise words," agreed Kat. "God, I miss her. I miss the way we used to be."

"I miss Esther so badly," Javier said. "But I'm starting to forget things about her. Maybe if we meet again it won't even matter, because she'll be someone else entirely, and so will I."

"That's life," said Kat. "We keep growing and sometimes we grow apart. That's the risk you take. Or maybe you'll meet and the growing you did means you'll love each other more."

Javier nodded and absently stroked Kat's shoulder. She didn't seem to mind. He should have more lesbian friends. It bypassed a whole lot of complicated feelings.

"Thanks, Kat," he said. "Talking to you was what I needed."

"And this was what I needed, too," said Kat. "I'll miss you when I go to San Jose."

"Wait," he said. "I'll be there, too. Probably, I mean. Not because of you." He stopped, embarrassed.

"I know. Nearer Raj, and most likely nearer Esther. And the program is great. But, see, I've been offered a job doing some system administration. Flexible starting date, but I'd been leaning towards going at the beginning of the summer. If María and I are really finished, maybe earlier.

"Oh," Javier said. "I see. I — it seemed so far off."

"We'll keep working together," Kat said. "Even if you don't decide to go to San Jose. That's the wonderful thing about computers. I bet in ten, twenty years, most people will just telecommute anyway. We're already ahead of the trend."

"I guess," said Javier. "But I'll miss you. Hard to imagine having this conversation over chat."

"Yeah," admitted Kat. "Hard to imagine."

.........*** Chapter 26 ***.........

Mark and Nicola were still there when Esther arrived in the dining cabin. She felt dizzy, and something worse. Whatever Abuela had done to strip away her privacy was still echoing in her senses.

When she sat down, Mark looked at her with discomfort.

"I felt you call me," he said. "When I arrived, Nicola said you were all right, and that it was accidental."

Esther nodded.

Nicola was biting her lip, anxious to hear what Esther had to say, and terrified of what it meant. Nicola was so desperate to show her skill and convince everyone she belonged here. And now Esther had accidentally rubbed the other woman's limitations in her face. That was what decided it for her.

"Abuela said I could choose what to tell you," she said. "So I choose to tell you everything. My story begins when I was eight years old ..."

They listened as she poured it out. Sometimes they smiled, and sometimes they looked shocked or saddened. Whatever else, these two cared about her. If she gave them her trust, they would trust her back.

When she was finished, Mark got up and began pacing the kitchen unhappily.

"I had no idea how old she was," Nicola said with awe. "I suppose it makes sense that we could live a long time, if we're so good at healing ourselves."

"She can't die," Mark said. "She can't. I can't think about this. I'm sorry, Esther, I need some air. I'll be all right in a while."

He rushed out of the cabin.

"She didn't say how long she has," Esther said. "I'm not sure she knows. But Nicola, what she does — maybe I'm capable of it as she believes. But it's a terrifying responsibility, and I can't imagine how long it will take me to learn. I need every bit of help I can get from you and Mark."

Nicola nodded. "And you will get it," she said, taking Esther's hand. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not jealous of you. I'm still not convinced I couldn't learn the things Abuela is trying to teach you, given enough time. But maybe she doesn't have the time. And if she's been protecting us all by herself, we are more lucky than I'd understood if you are capable of helping her."

"Did you ever hear her mention Lukas?" Esther asked.

Nicola shook her head. "But from what you say it could have been ten years ago she was trying to reach him. Perhaps Mark remembers something. I wonder what she means when she says Lukas is lost."

"She brings people here for a reason," Esther said. "I imagine she's nervous about anyone who hasn't learned to hide their abilities. I wonder if Lukas made a mistake, and the wrong people found him. The ones chasing me, perhaps. That's what Raj believes, and it makes sense. If they were looking for someone with talents just like Lukas, setting up a math competition and investigating the winners would be an efficient way to find them when they were young."

Nicola nodded. "I have this horrible image of him locked in a basement somewhere while they do tests on him. That's the sort of thing I was starting to worry about when I ran away from home. Maybe I lucked out being such an underachiever in school, and then having Abuela find me."

"Nicola," Esther asked. "Where were you when you heard Abuela calling? How far away?"

She sighed. "Minnesota. I took a couple buses, hitchhiked, and eventually started walking up a forest road. Abuela picked me up in her old truck."

"Minnesota," Esther said. "That seems impossibly far."

"Yes," agreed Nicola. "Despite her explanation with butterflies and whatnot, it's hard to credit. But even at that age I knew I was strangely sensitive, and sometimes could feel things at a distance. I bet it's much easier for her to reach someone like us than to do something in the physical world, the way she showed you."

"If she reached all the way to Minnesota to find you, people with your degree of talent must be really rare," said Esther. "Especially since it's mostly been just you and Mark here."

"That was my ego-flattering conclusion," Nicola said. "Of course, there are other possibilities. Maybe it was because at seventeen I was so angry I'd have done something stupid soon, and she could tell. Maybe we're not so uncommon, but most people don't stay as long. Like Jacob, or — Andrew. Mark said Keith ignored any questions about what things were like before he arrived, but I assume there were plenty of others. I know Abuela has more trusted contacts than just Jacob on the outside, and some of them might also have the changes. There are people who send her letters, or manage her money. I think she's ridiculously rich, you know. Expenses are never an issue. I suppose that's the magic of compound interest over her lifespan."

Esther nodded and rubbed her eyes. "I feel awful," she said. "Whatever Abuela did to me — ugh. I just want to sleep."

They went to the cabin and followed their usual bedtime routines. Esther as usual kept on a layer of clothes.

"Esther," Nicola said. "What you described Abuela doing to you — it was a kind of violation. Even if she asked first, and even if you agreed."

Esther slid under her covers. "I don't want to think about it," she said.

Nicola sat on her bed. "I understand," she said. "But do you want company tonight? Nothing more than that. Just company."

Esther lay still. She missed Javier so much. Even the simple feeling of his warm body against hers. Nicola wasn't Javier.

"Yeah," she whispered reluctantly. Nicola slipped in beside her. The warmth of someone who cared about her. Before she knew it, she'd started to cry. Nicola touched her lightly, a hand on her shoulder, until finally Esther sighed and wiped her nose.

"Thanks," she said. "I needed this more than I realized."

"Yeah," said Nicola. "I think we all do. Anyway, didn't Abuela pretty much tell you to stop masturbating? That's got to be rough."

Esther giggled. "Just when I'd gotten the hang of it."

Nicola rubbed Esther's shoulder. "It makes a kind of sense that your abilities show up when your body and mind finally relax. That's part of what the meditations are supposed to do. But my history with sex has not been an especially relaxing one. You have some special associations with it, don't you."

Esther nodded. "Javier," she said.

"I'm so sorry you had to leave him like that. And we were obnoxious about it, too. It didn't occur to me how much he might have meant."

"I miss him so terribly, Nicola," she said. "I hope he's all right."

Nicola kissed her lightly on the back. Like a sister.

"Esther," she said slowly. "Can you feel it? You aren't hiding yourself from me. Are you being careful not to extend your senses?"