The Symmetry of Sin

Rarely was our marriage or me mentioned in their correspondence, in one old e mail she generally said good things about me, but a few years ago, apparently I had been, quoting her very words now: 'Been allowed to paw her boobs once in a while so I wouldn't get suspicious of what we (meaning her and Mikhail) have together' Isn't that a pisser! She feigned sexual willingness for decades? And I never suspected?

Naaah! I don't believe that. She showed all the signs of arousal, gave me feed back as we were making love, I really couldn't believe that she didn't enjoy it. This was probably just trash talk and clearly not meant for me...probably shouldn't take it literally. The greater reality was obvious though. She hadn't been faithful, and more fool me, I had been. What a goddamn kick in the nuts! A fucking insult!

Their written stuff referred occasionally to having 'made love', but no mention of details. Perhaps we both got untalented sex, or maybe she was an insatiable wildcat in his bed, and a sloth in mine. I expect it was the former, but not knowing is not knowing, isn't it. As to her time, he only got a trivial amount of it, better if he had gotten none of course...

Well, the past is done and gone. I had a strong hand at this point. I could make her choose between us, and I couldn't imagine she would choose him, if only because he was a short timer now. She certainly loved him as it went on for most of our lives. Hmmph! She was a bigamist.but really, what the fuck is it to me if she keeps seeing him at this point?

Of late, I wasn't clad in white robes with a golden halo either, what with that sugar babe and all. But prior to that, I was straight arrow for all those years, and then this. Apparently she didn't see what she had done as cheating because in one of her letters she reasoned I got everything he got and then some, so it cost me nothing. Well that logic works quite well for me now. The outsourcing of sex just got validated and I was going to make up for lost time.

Whether a mistress or a love interest, a new relationship is all about the future...the prospect of learning all about each other...the thrill of infatuation...the drift from newness into familiarity. An older marriage is very much about the remembered past. A shared past...well, for the most part shared with me. It's deeply knowing one another, except here was a part of her I didn't know. So part of our marriage, some would say the whole damn marriage, was hollow. What should I do about it now? I can't get those years of my life back, so what was the future for me? At this point, what did I want?

• I could afford to divorce her, but my life style would take a hell of a hit, and I didn't have anybody lined up.

• Did I even want to even start a life with another woman? Commit to another woman? Consume more years of my life if she turns out to be the wrong woman. I certainly couldn't afford two divorces. Not so attractive, an option, really.

• Could I live with her and her lies? Well, albeit in ignorance I had been for almost thirty years and was content. As to sexual jealousy, she doesn't want any sex, and frankly right now I don't want to have sex with her either, but so what? We aren't doing sex! Just good companions now.

• And maybe this is what marriage is about? What she did was certainly wrong, but 40% of the women and 60% of the men have cheated in their marriage at least once. Sure it hurts, tell me about it, but the marriage is a whole lot more than sex.

• What if I did nothing? Turn a blind eye to it, and go on as we were, living a normal life, with my younger bit on the side. A bit of tit for tat that would avoid all the drama and anguish of confrontation. By avoiding confrontation, I was in control, whereas if I had it out with her, who knows where it would end up?

For the first time in my adult life, I seriously considered what would make me happy, just me and to hell with everyone else.

Putting aside the fact that I have been sharing her for years, and other than the no sex part, my marriage is/was OK. In a way there was double pain for me here; one, that she screwed the guy and two, that she loved him. I can convince myself that the sex part was like sharing a tough, gristly steak with a dog. You really don't begrudge so much, scraps from a meal you don't particularly like. Funny, I'd have been really ripped if I thought she gave him better sex than me. How we men use sex to measure love! Anyway, if I keep my mistress, get better sex, really good sex now, with someone younger and nicer looking, would that make up for what she stole? No, of course not, but in the here and now, it would be a step in the right direction. Living well is always the best revenge. No need to show my hand. Sugar babes come on in! I'm not going to rub her face in it, but now I don't have to concern myself if she finds out. How can she throw stones?

Physically I realized that especially to someone thirty years younger than me, I was hamburger , and the new woman would be...if not prime then at least choice tenderloin, so I did want to improve my curb appeal some. I wasn't fat, but losing a few pounds would not be a bad thing, and exercising was always a good thing. So I started a diet so that I would 'be all that I could be' which wouldn't be all that much. I can't blame it all on the wife, but there was a lot of junk food in the house that henceforth I ignored. I cut down on the amount of meat I ate and doubled up on vegetables. And 'Oh bitter pill', I took the plunge and joined a gym. Worked out three times a week. I lost between half and one pound a week, and felt better as well.

Borodin's relationship with the wife went back nearly to the start of our marriage; in effect she was a bigamist with two husbands. I wondered which one of us fathered our children? I went back to the diary and found no mention of them meeting around the time our children had been conceived, but of course they may have met at times she didn't record. Not knowing is not knowing, isn't it. I added DNA testing to my 'to do' list. Hair samples were the easiest to collect, from the wife and the kids and myself. I had everything in a package to send off...and then chickened out and threw it in the trash. My children were mine by dint of me raising them and imprinting myself on them. I fed them, changed them, cleaned up their vomit, taught them to speak, to reason, dried their tears, and brought them into adulthood with love. Paternity was something I didn't need to know, because it might affect my relationship with them, and raise hell with their relationship with their mother.

Meanwhile on the sex search. I went back to the sugar babe sites, found yet another such web site, and even looked on Craig's list. On the new site I found a winner! Or so I thought. She was a legal immigrant from India with two kids. In fact I nearly missed her. I had emailed her and she said she had withdrawn her profile, and complained twice to the site because they were slow in removing it. Her days off were Sundays and Wednesdays. We began an e mail correspondence, and in a day or two switched to daily telephone calls in the morning before she went to work.

I found out where she worked when she called me one time from the County library telephone system. I called the library on her day off and asked for Mitu and was told it was her day of. Bingo!

She was at a vulnerable point in her life, very down on herself; she was abandoned by her husband who fled back to India darkly muttering about family problems, her own family back there wanted nothing to do with her in part because she failed as a wife, and worse couldn't afford to be a sponsor to bring anyone over here. She really wasn't making enough money to properly care for two children, and even her attempt to, in her words "sell herself," failed because in six months she only had two other people contact her, and both were abusive nut cases.

On the positive side, she was a US citizen so they wouldn't deport her, which was really good because she wanted no part of the old country, and she had health benefits through her job, so really she just needed more money. I tried to set up a lunch meeting on Wednesday, but she pushed it off two weeks into the future and, it sounded as though she was less sure of going through with the arrangement. Maybe she was having second thoughts and stalling. I've learned when you see something you want, don't hesitate, seal the deal, you know money talks and bullshit walks!

She had mentioned liking Robert Frost's poetry, and coincidently years ago I paid a dollar at a yard sale for a well worn first edition (1928) of West Running Brook by Robert Frost. I inserted $500 in new twenty dollar bills with a note to say that this was a gift without conditions. Actually I wanted her to have a taste what I was bringing to the deal. The note was carefully worded so if anyone else read it, it might seem odd but certainly not damning. I mailed it to her marked personal c/o the county library. In doing this I was saying that I was really interested in her and was not stingy. All good things to convey.

I also e mailed her with my real name and address, and confessing to her how I found out where she worked.

Mitu called me the day she got the book, shocked, flattered, and pleased at the earnest money and arranged to meet me for an hour when she got off work the following day. Five hundred dollars goes a long way towards paying for a baby sitter.

I was a bit of a wreck. I haven't been on a first date in like forever! It was only to a chain coffee shop, but still. In the end I forced myself to relax, and go with the flow... Mitu was every bit the delight I expected. She was dressed in 'mother of young children nice' if you can imagine that. Neat, clean, practical, and not very sexy. Later I found out that while the skin she was showing was normal for Americans, in her upbringing it was shameless. She was tall for a Hindi woman and nicely curved.

Initially she was very nervous too, I admired the courage she showed just to meet me, conflicted as she was. I was wondering if sleeping with me would damage her. Her face showed glimpses of a cheerful, bouncy personality behind the dominant worries about what she was doing with me. Serious second thoughts. We were the only persons sitting outside the coffee shop, screened from the street by bushes so we could talk.

"I think I feel like a prostitute. Some sort of fallen woman. Certainly a failed person. This is very difficult for me. Sex for money is what this is when you come down to it."

"Well sex and money are always combined one way or another, aren't they? Isn't a good marriage catch for a woman, a man who makes enough money so she and her children can be comfortable? Rich men rarely have ugly wives, unless it's the wife who has money, do they? If the woman is homely, she usually marries a man who is flawed as well. Would you seriously consider marriage with a guy with no job and no prospects for getting one?"

With a flash of anger, "No! But unfortunately I'm still married to such a one as that!"

"One who abandoned you and his children. Like you, I'm looking for someone I can enjoy being with first and foremost. Yes there is sex, but in my mind it is clearly secondary. Prostitutes have many, many partners, not much choice of whom, and certainly no emotional connection. None! The very definition of promiscuous! This is not what we are considering at all. You and I will have sex only with each other. Marriage is long term commitment, and this is short term, more like dating. Of course you can also date others and such, because I presume you have a long term goal of finding a husband. You just have to tell me when you become... intimate.

"He will have to wear a condom. In addition to the money, I will owe you the same sort of support you would expect from a good friend. If you call me, I'll feel obligated to help if I can. You need a loan to get your car fixed, or take you to or from the airport, need someone to fix something around the apartment, or advise you on...I don't know, problems with the landlord? I can help with that. You will not be so alone. You can text me any time, and I will call you back.

She was paying close attention and as she uncrossed her arms and leaned on the table, hands clasped together her body language suggested she was open to my argument. I needed her to buy in to these points.

"Does that sound OK so far?"

There was a pause, and she couldn't look me in the eye.

"I do need somebody. At the Library, they're older and don't talk much to me...we don't have anything in common. I've never done anything...don't even know anyone who did anything like this. You seem nice enough, but frankly you're American and I'm Hindi, there is a big difference is there not? And that's not going to change. Also I have children to consider."

She was wringing her hands. I shrugged.

"You Hindi, me American that's good! We get to learn from each other, to me you are interesting, different, you know? Since you are an American now, it would be good for you to know more about our culture us, wouldn't it? Of course your children will grow up like the native born Americans that they are, and you knowing more about this country helps you help them. Of course you have to put your children first, and this arrangement helps you do that, but you yourself have needs that you need to satisfy. Having dinner in a nice restaurant, talking to a man...you need some adult time away from the children, an adult to talk to who has your interests at heart."

Time to get her buy in again. She was looking more relaxed, the hands were unclasped and she brushed an imaginary wisp of hair from her face where her eyes were smiling and her mouth had a bit of an upturn,

"Seem reasonable?"

A smile of relief, "It does. Some nights I go half crazy with no one but the children to talk to...I love them and all...but they're children. And I read about men and women, you know, in romance books and what they do...well it's never been like that for me, with my husband and even that was a long time ago. You need to tell me about the sex part, because I've really only read about these things, and you should know that I won't be any good at it."

"I don't know about you not being good at it. Mitu, nobody is born with experience and skill at sex, we all have to learn what we enjoy, what turns us on, and find a partner who will do those things. I understand that you are just starting out. As to the sex, I expect some times in bed we would be more...enthusiastic than at other times. I don't have weird tastes in sex, while I like the oral stuff, and maybe you're not experienced with it most men and women like it, and you will too. I'm ok with, we can start slow. I can teach you.I mean teaching is what lovers do for one another. And remember, I'm not looking for a sex slave, I'll do my best to please you, and you can say no to anything or quit anytime."

I sensed it was becoming too long a speech. I needed to get her to comment and maybe commit,

"So I don't see it as sex for money at all. Its sex and money, both are part of a stable and continuing relationship. The glue. Without the sex, I would have no particular reason to help you out. Without the help, why would you bother with an older man like me? "

"Well, I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"What choices you have are not for me to say, nor are they my business. Mitu, I will not rape you or force you. If you will feel degraded every time you think of me, go with god, not me. I don't need that guilt. Look! I think you are a very personable, sexy, desirable woman. I am looking for companionship, friendship, and yes, sex. I don't want to divorce my wife so no marriage prospects, who knows how long it will suit each of us?

"Now how are you different from me? You too are looking for companionship, friendship, and yes, sex, but not interested in marriage right now because you have to divorce your husband and it's nice to have someone with you while you are doing that. You and I both have a problem with our committed relationship because we are married to spouses that don't fulfill our needs.

I think we'll be good for each other; it's a good match for us. You and I can help each other. If you aren't willing, if I'm not the right guy, do us both a favor and say no. If you want to think about it, I'll wait for an answer."

It was three days later when Mitu called and asked if we could meet and go somewhere to be alone. I offered lunch and to do whatever she was comfortable in the afternoon. She took half a day off, and asked me to pick her up near the library. Not a problem.

We met in the parking lot of a little used playground. She was punctual, slid in beside me with a hug that turned into a kiss. As her hand covered my cheek, and she nibbled at my lip, I gently stroked and the back of her neck, with one hand, and one on her hip, just below her belt. I liked kissing and was content to fondle the secondary erogenous areas. As her tongue slid across my lips, she lifted a knee, and rubbed her inner thigh against my leg. Wow! I slid my hand around behind her stroke the back of her thigh.

"Chris, I have thought about this thing, and I want to do it. I'm not ready to remarry, or even look for husband material, and I certainly don't want a string of men coming and going. But I'm lonely for an adult, and especially a man. Men have a different perspective on life than women. There's some things I need to talk about with a man, and you're easy to talk to. Plus you've already given me some wise advice. And I do miss the sex...well, I never had good sex, but I think I know what I am missing, I what I read sex can be like, and I what that kind of sex.

"Plus I'm a little timid, so maybe you pushing me to do those things that my husband, may he be happy with someone else wouldn't dream of and it will be good for me. But the thing that convinced me is that I think you really like women as women, not just for sex. So in the words of the kids, let's fuck! Oh I feel so bad! I've never said anything like that to anyone in my life!"

She giggled and blushed, with her nose wrinkling in embarrassed joy. I laughed and kissed her.

"You don't have to ask me twice, off to a motel!"

We were like school kids both of us anticipating learning from the other. In fifteen minutes we were walking into room 114, the start of a long friendship. Now you may doubt my ability to judge the sincerity of women when it comes to sex, but if Mitu Patel wasn't the real thing, the real thing might have killed me. It's not fair to compare sex with my wife to the sex I had with Mitu that day, so I won't. She was joy that transcended life itself. Think of you and your wife naked in bed, and the intimacy and joy you feel watching your child suckle at her breast while she sings a breathy lullaby.

Think of your first love's kiss on a spring evening, think of the imagined joys of heaven... think...think of her.

We stood against the closed door, our lips nibbling, tongues flickering, she lifted up a knee again to better press her crotch against me. Her hands holding my face. My fingers traced the short hairs on the back of her neck while my other hand pressed the dimple at the base of her spine, pressing her against my raging hard on. The kiss devolved into her sucking the breath from my lungs, me sucking her tongue, milking its nectar.

"Jason, close the curtains."

"Ah, right!" I turned the vent on and made sure the curtain was closed. She shut the lights off, but there was enough light coming around the curtain to see

I have an unusually deep voice, and as I broke the kiss, I turned her head to place her ear to my chest

"I want you to feel the vibration of my voice as well as hear the words. You are lovely like the summer twilight! Your dark eyes are pools I lose myself in. Your hair is lush and fragrant and thick, you are beautiful to me unto the tips of your toes. Your gestures are the definition of grace, and your peels of laughter delight my soul. You are a treasure, and you please me greatly,"