The Symmetry of Sin

I didn't know anyone in the bar that night, so I enjoyed my pint in silence, the dog lay at my feet, having snarfed the saucer of beer and the dog biscuit Marie the barmaid/waitress offered him. Strolling back, the dog knew the walk was coming to an end and finally took his dump. I put my hand in a plastic bag and scooped up the doggy hand warmer, peeling the bag off my hand inverting it so the shit was neatly bagged. Speaking of the shit, Karen was waiting for me.

"So tell me about it Karen. How did it start?

Her voice was tired, we both were emotionally drained. I realized anew that I didn't give a shit about Borodin.

"Get us each a glass of wine while you're up. So how long have you known?" She was calm now, funny, it was almost as if we were talking about people other than us, like gossiping.

"Quite a while, about a year ago. Tell me about him. Why didn't you leave me way back when?"

"Leaving you was never an option. Oh gee. I met him when I was teaching at St Ann's School. He was the business manager. It was a quick affair, over in a couple of weeks, almost before it began, I came to my senses. A few months later he moved to Massachusetts and worked for a big time prep school up there. We kept in touch, and every once in a while, got together for lunch or dinner, and yes usually sex. But I always made sure you got as good...better in fact, than him. I like him, I enjoy his company in small doses, and I assure you I've never loved him, he was more a really good friend.

"How often is once in a while?...and where did you meet and fuck?"

"No need to be vulgar. Maybe once a year, some years not at all, some a couple of times. He usually rented a motel room. I certainly never wanted him anywhere near our house. He didn't make much money and never managed it well, so he couldn't afford to travel. He never married, but loved music, theater, the cultural arts. Not that that really mattered. I guess I controlled the frequency. I did make one or two trips to see him, but again that was years ago. It was funny. When I had been with him for more than a few hours, he'd start to get on my nerves. When I had been away from him for a few months, I'd forget the annoying things and just remember the nice things. It's true what they say: absence does make the heart grow fonder.

"Until recently, we were hundreds of miles apart. His health went south; he got prostrate cancer, so they removed it and a few other bits of cancer that had spread. He couldn't have sex after that. It's likely his fatal disease is upon him, so a while ago he moved to Wilmington. Two months ago they found it metastasized all over and is only marginally treatable, so he's on hospice and going down the tubes. I try to see him once a week. I'm the only one who visits him, the only one he has left. He's so lonely! It's sad; I can see the decline from week to week!"

"I see. So about the time sex ended for him, you decided to end it for me? So you wouldn't have to force yourself to have sex with me to make up for what you did with him?"

"No! God no. I never had to force myself to have sex with you. I'm just human; sometimes I was more eager than other times, that's all. Never think that. I guess its age, or something. I wish I did have some desire."

"Nevertheless, when your pussy was no use to you other husband, you closed it down for me as well. No screwing with either of us, fair dealer that you are, his illness cut you off, so to be fair to the two of us, you cut me off. Who won and who lost on that, I ask you!"

She gestured to me, her face a mask of shame.

"Please don't say he was my husband. He wasn't even close to being that. Of course it was me that lost. "

I said.

" Only when you were found out. Well it's nothing new for you, is it? You've always controlled the sex. And this wasn't just about sex, was it? It was emotional adultery as well. Reading the same books so you could have a wonderful literary discussion. Anticipating him for weeks, me getting the occasional proxy fuck, then off to a motel for the afternoon or all night, dining, fucking and snuggling. Sex before breakfast. Nice! Meanwhile I got to hold you head and wipe the vomit off of your chin when you were sick. I put up with your shit while he skimmed off the cream.

"And may I remind you I was working hard to bring in money to raise the kids and despite the heavy travel my job required, I was alone in my hotel rooms. When I was home, for all practical purposes you moved as little as possible in bed...never initiated sex. You refused every time I suggest...well, enough of that. It's all in the past and it will take a while to put it behind me. Nothing to be done about it now, is there."

"Chris, I knew you were alone when you traveled. And it wasn't very often I saw Mikhail, and now, you're seeing this woman every week!"

"I was faithful until I discovered you had never been. Nor do I know how often you fucked him, or if he was the only bit of extramarital fucking you did. Cheat with one, cheat with another."

"He was the only one!"

"So you say, but you can't prove a negative, can you. Once I would have believed you if you said you were always faithful. So what! Sure, recently I've been seeing a woman once a week more or less, but it is just friendship and sex. No love, we both know it's casual and not going to last. She's 30 years younger than me for god's sake, definitely not wife material plus I am paying her after all."

"Chris that has to stop! I won't put up with it."

"I suppose you will still see Borodin?"

"Well, there's no sex there, it's only friendship. It would destroy him. It would be cruel to stop, but I will if you insist."

"The emotional adultery continues, and I only have your word the sex has stopped. Let me tell you how it's going to be as far as I'm concerned. Had I know about your lovers, your cheating years ago, I would have dumped you. But at this stage in my life, I'm not sure if I want to do that. I do enjoy your company. You're a good mother to your children, a good friend and traveling companion.

"To be sure, you were never much in the bedroom, at least with me, but since you declared your cunt dried up, and I'm having really really great sex on the side, it's a good trade. I'm good. I have her for hot screaming sex, and you for companionship so as far as I'm concerned, keep seeing Mikhail as often as you like. Spend an occasional overnight with him and maybe even a couple three or four day weekends now and then for as long as he lasts. But you can be sure I will continue with having a mistress as long as I can get it up. Think of it as you having outsourcing the sex in our marriage."

She wasn't happy to hear this.

"You and I will live together, and life between us will be mostly as it always has been, except instead of me being faithful and you having a lover, it'll be the other way around."

She was pissed:"That is not acceptable. You have to stop seeing her!"

"Let me point out that I've known for a year this drama was coming and thought about it a lot, I'll listen to what you have to say, but it's unlikely to change my mind. I was heart sick when I learned of your betrayal. Initially I wanted to hurt you as you hurt me, but that passed months ago. I expect it will take you several months to get your head around the new reality.

"Jason, I really don't know if I can do this. I never thought you would do something like this."

"And obviously it never occurred to you I would find out about your cock on the side, so you haven't had time to think it out, see where your options take you. I suggest we continue like we are for six months, you can talk to me about Mikhail, I'll keep the snarky remarks to myself, I know he is important to you. I suspect you would rather I not talk about my sugar babes. Look, we've been reasonably happy in an open marriage for years, the only difference is I've taken the horns you put on my head, and placed them on yours. If you can't wear them like I did, then as far as I am concerned, it's irreconcilable differences."

She was softly crying and I felt little empathy.

I finished the last of my wine, stood up and stretched.

"When you declare it's her or me, you realize my choice might not be the one you want. There's wisdom in turning a blind eye. Look, I realize that Borodin is no threat to me, and you should realize that my bit on the side is no threat to you. You accept her without liking her, as I accept Borodin without liking him, and our marriage continues as it has mostly been. It's a compromise, I'm going to bed."

There was indecision in her eyes.

"Sleep on it, there's no hurry. I don't think either of us wants a divorce, I don't think you really want to move in with Borodin and be a full time nurse and a lover, and go through what's left of your life without me."

"Sleep downstairs, or in the guest room lest your anguish keep me up."

Epilogue

It's amazing what sort of life you can settle into. Karen decided to live with the situation, and now that she's got her head around the arrangement, seems quite happy. She even decided to resume her sex life with me. I use a condom with her as I don't know what diseases Borodin had (she thinks I use it to protect her from me). It works both ways. Thanks to sexual competition, she now talks dirty in bed and sucks cock...willingly at that. I had my doubts this arrangement would work, (Once you've experienced gay Parie, how are you going to bed the old Babushka?) but she accepted that she would have to be less controlling, and more imaginative. She saw her other husband once or twice a week until the end, the six month prediction ended up being one year.

At the very end, she mostly lived there for the last six weeks or so. She was with him when he died. There was no formal funeral as she really was his only friend. I went with her when she picked up his ashes, and scattered them on the steps of the Julliard School of Music, apparently his last wishes, probably not the Julliard's wish. She saw me pouring a little vile of piss on the ashes and raised an eye brow. Not wanting to make a scene I said:"Wodka"(which is how the Russians pronounce Vodka)" He was Russian and you loved him."

My daughter and I refused to meet Mikhail on general principles. My son wanted to meet him, and didn't like him much. This came to me through his sister, so it might or might not be true, my son won't talk about it with me.

Mitu was by far the best I ever found, we were together through her divorce, about three years all together. She and I still get together a few times a year. Her second husband is an American of Hindi ancestry. She has bad luck in husbands because like the first one, he's apparently not much in bed either, but is good to her and her children, and that is enough for her. When we see each other, we have lunch and a dirty afternoon. So now I get to play the part of Borodin...I like it much better than the part of the husband.

Since Mitu, I have had a succession of women, and an occasional affair, you know, free pussy that I didn't have to pay for. If the relationship gets beyond the first few weeks, it tends to last for half a year or so, until things change and one of us ends it.

We all pretend that wretched supper never happened. My daughter wisely ignores her parent's sex lives, which is fine. Nothing has changed with my relationship with her, or with my son. Our family is pretty much as it was before.

My wife politely ignores my pleasures outside of marriage. I tell her I'll be out Tuesday afternoon, or Thursday evening, whatever, without mentioning what I'll be doing, (fucking) and she doesn't ask. Rather than to sit at home and dwell on the fun I'm having, it motivates her to go out with her mother, or her friends, whatever.

Do I regret my wife's infidelity? What a stupid qu...sorry...yes, of course I do. Had I known at thirty what I know now, I probably would have divorced her. But I'm not a young man now, and I have a different perspective. I've thought a lot about the problems I was faced with, and I think I made the best decisions I could, given my priorities, and so now you may ask: "How do I feel about my life now?" I'm good...I'm happy! I've got my family, wife, children, grandchildren and the love that radiates among us all, as well as the pleasures of younger flesh.

You can't get another spouse that's been with you for almost 40 years. We have agreed to compromise so each of us gets what we need. We still like each other as friends, and love each other mentally and physically. We share a bed, meals, walks and conversations we couldn't have with anyone else; for that is what a good marriage is, being able to accept our partners as they are, not as we would have them be.