All Comments on 'The Tribe's Initiation'

You should add a little dialogue. It makes a story vivid and interesting. Also, if there is sex, you should describe it a little more. This is supposed to be erotic fiction.

This brings to my mind how Hustler used to rate porn movies. A hard dick pointed up was great, one pointed down was terrible. On an arousal scale this was a low-rider version.

I'll give you a B for attempting to break the mold and establish a different scene, but it all read like some sort of 5th grade book report -- a two-minute overview of War and Peace: People lived near other people, one day they got mad at each other, then they went to war. A while after that they made peace. The end.

I'd advise you to take up knitting, but you'd probably make a fucking pig's ear out of that as well. No stars.

Pish !

SHOWS PROMISE! Ignore the critics! Full speed ahead!

I'm scratching my head as I consider what to write here. Information flowed quickly but did not seem rushed because it was laid before us as required.

I believe the correct interpretation is this seems more like an outline to work from in developing a good story. Each paragraph could be expanded into half a dozen paragraphs expanding facial expression and conversations.

This is obviously the authors fantasy, brief but effective to her. She's entitled to it and writes what she wants to read, as do I. To make a fantasy truly a story requires a little more content, suggest you add more detail. That said, I do like the basic premise and the way your mind works. Sometimes a little wham, bam, thank-you ma'am gets the job done. Not a bad first effort so gave you five stars. Write more and I will read it. Thanks for writing.

max052

Please distinguish between lead and led. Aside from lead, the metal, the past tense of lead is led.

Nice bit of writing,,,your first I notice so please keep going it's very promising.

I read the reviews first and became curious; I knew a one page story is always short-and-sweet. I won't try to skool you mostly because there is nothing I can add that hasn't been said. Good first try at this and I can't blame you for writing first sex, incest, very mild bondage/against will, and group sex. Keep at it, I'm sure you will get better.

RS

A little short, obviously but a great idea for a story. More development and it would of been perfect.

If I'd read this one first, I wouldn't have even bothered to read your second effort which is slightly better yet also needs improvement. Still, for an earnest beginner, I can truthfully say I have read a lot worse on Lit from more experienced members.

And waiting for more!