The Urge

I'm not sure how long I sat there, quite a while. I was crying off and on. I thought of all the people in my life and what they would think of me if they'd known how close I came to fucking another man. My mom, my dad, my sister, they'd all be devastated, not to mention Nelson and Evangeline. Even most of our friends would see me as an immoral slut.

After another burst of tears I made myself a drink. I walked across the room and opened the drapes on the large floor to ceiling window that overlooked the city. Damn it was gorgeous. If I got my face close to the glass and pressed my cheek against it I could see the Empire State Building reaching for the clouds.

Suddenly I felt so lonely. The walls of the room knew my shame, the air dripped with my guilt. I needed my husband. I needed my family. I wanted so much to call Nelson but I was afraid he'd hear the disgrace and self-loathing in my voice. God I wished I had brought a good book. I had all these plans for Stoney and me in the evenings so I didn't even think to bring one.

I lay down on the bed, closed my eyes, and could see Nelson's face smiling down on me. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm so very, very sorry." I could feel the remorse leaking from my eyes and running down the side of my face. Eventually I drifted off to sleep on a soggy pillow.

The next morning I really didn't want to see Stoney so I left the hotel and walked down to the little restaurant in the next block for breakfast. I purposely waited until the seminar started before going in and taking a seat in the back of the room. Evidently he had no more desire to speak to me than I him. He didn't even look my way when we broke for lunch.

That night I had dinner in my room. One more day and I'd be home. I missed my family so much my loneliness was palpable. I'm not normally that way. I'm usually very content being alone. Of course usually I'm happy with myself. I normally consider myself a good person. That was the difference. I didn't feel that way at the time. I felt dirty and shameful.

It was nine o'clock by the time I mustered the courage to call Nelson. I tried to sound normal but I guess I wasn't too successful because half way into our conversation he asked if something was wrong. I used the age tested excuse that I was just tired. I was going to have to work hard to shake the guilt before I got back home.

Stoney and I hadn't said another word to each other the following day. When I got to the airport I noticed him sitting in the lounge waiting for the same flight as me. I wondered if I should try and start a dialogue. After all we still had to work together.

He looked up from what he was reading and saw me but didn't so much as crack a smile. At that moment I thought screw it. I'm sure he and I will talk at work. As far as I was concerned that was enough for me. When we boarded he was in seat four-A, I was in ten-C.

All I could think about during the entire flight home was how I had betrayed my family. I remembered when I first met Stoney and how my heart went pitter-patter. I thought back to all the times I pretended that it was Stoney making love to me instead of Nelson. The more I beleaguered on the subject the more guilt I felt again. For the second time I wondered if I should confess. That would relieve some of my guilt but it would certainly hurt the man I love. Once again I discounted the idea completely.

As we pulled up to the gate at O'Hare I glanced up to see Stoney unbuckle his seat belt immediately after stopping and grab his bag from the overhead bin. He was the first one to start walking toward the door. I thought he was being kind of childish with the way he was ignoring me; then it hit me, he wasn't used to being rejected. I have to admit, that brought a smile to my face.

I took a deep breath in preparation of seeing the two most important people in my life. When I spotted them in the waiting area my heart felt as if it would jump from my chest. It had only been three days but felt like a life time.

The wheels on my travel bag rumbled along the tiled floor as my pace quickened almost to a run. I literally flew into Nelson's strong arms. I felt so safe in his embrace. I'm not sure how long our kiss lasted but it was eventually interrupted by Evangeline.

"Mom—mom did you see that guy on the plane? Is he a movie star?"

"What, honey," I asked, breaking our kiss and acknowledging our daughter.

"That guy that was on the plane..."

"I think it might be time for that talk, honey. Our daughter is starting to notice boys."

"Oh dad," replied Evie.

I think we both found Nelson's comment funny. "Honey, Evie and I had that talk a long time ago and have had several more since then," I explained.

"Oh," was his only comment. I could tell he was a little embarrassed. "She saw some guy coming off the same plane as you. I have to admit, he was a hell of a good looking guy."

Of course I knew right away who they were talking about. It's amazing how fast the human brain can function when it has to. Almost instantly I knew I had two options. I could say, "Oh that was Stoney," or I could just keep my mouth shut. The chances of Nelson and Stoney ever meeting were pretty slim so I opted to keep my mouth shut; no sense putting ideas in my husband's head.

"I'm sorry, honey," I said after giving my daughter a hug. "I didn't see any movie stars."

Later that night, after Evie was asleep, Nelson and I made love...and I do mean made love. There was no third party in the room that night, just me and my loving husband. Stoney never even entered my thoughts.

It's really strange how the mind works sometimes. Before New York I couldn't look at Stoney without dreaming of having him inside me. After the close call shocked me back into reality I look at him now as I look at any man who isn't my husband, with simple disinterest. When I hear the secretaries talking about him, instead of it spurring my own fantasies I think how silly they are.

I know it still irks Stoney. I can see it in his eyes. Every time he looks at me he sees the one that got away—the one who rejected him. I do confess to taking a smidgen of pride in that.

A week after I came back, Mr. Johnson hadn't said anything so I casually reminded him of his promise. A few days later his secretary stopped by my desk with a weekend vacation package at a romantic bed & breakfast in Galena. I immediately called my mom to see if she could watch Evie for a weekend. She told me weekend after next was clear so I made the reservations. I saved it as a surprise for Nelson.

It took me a long time to get over my guilt. In fact, every time I think about it I still feel a little, even today. Luckily Nelson never knew and I will carry my secret to the grave before I hurt him. He's the best husband and father a woman could want. Now it's time for me to step up and be the best wife and mother.

The end.