All Comments on 'The Way Back from the Concert'

LOL... Bonus points for the I90 references

I give it 3*, if only for the effort. It would've flowed smoother if you had identified who was thinking/saying what at the beginning of every cut sequence, and maybe a slight exaggeration of tone for every sequence to differentiate masculinity/femininity/androgyny, but otherwise an A for effort.

Then again, this is a porn fiction site, so whatever, right?

Interesting read but as was already mentioned. It was hard following who was speaking. You can lose your audience real quick like that.

Also the song lyrics should have a better way to stand out. Maybe an indentation or dashes or brackets surrounding them. It was not until the second song that I realized you were trying to portray a simultaneous event at each song.

Anyway good first effort keep at it.

As a first story...It's a good flash story...Jumping from one person to another in the car...Just two question: The married couple had at least once discussed this subject?; If they didn't as seemed, wasn't she afraid that her husband stopped the car and made the two of them go on foot the remaining part? that would be good prank...more he being the only one in the car knowing they were near a gas station...3*

You needed a scorecard to keep track of who was talking. This story was poorly written.

What is with the song lyrics? This was terrible! I'm just shocked at how bad this is.

Felt like a broken record.

More, what was the point?

boring

day after day week after week, month after month, year after year!!! Your wife left your sorry ass because you were boring and the fact you had a 3 inch hard on cock. Gave this story a 5 for effort and content

Poorly written, couldn't follow story line very well but I think you are a cuck wannabe.

The unannounced shifting point of view was hard to follow. The quotes from a song, used as a kind of 'refrain' in the story, were a distraction, and didn't add anything to the story.

But the shifting viewpoint and the repetition of the sentences and paragraphs definitely throw any coherency off. I would try to re-write the story and stick to a single viewpoint.

but it was just way too confusing to follow. Looked like a botched cut-and-paste with all the repeated text. Very difficult to follow who was talking/thinking.

Sorry. I bailed. Probably a good learning experiment, but it missed the mark as a finished story. Don't give up. Rewrite and resubmit or just write something else with what you've learned from this. You'll get better at it with each submission.

Might as well been written in Dutch or French. I don't understand either of them and I sure could not understand or follow this story. This is the second one star I have given to a story

I get the idea of different points of view and I think I would have enjoyed it more if you would have put the name of each person like this- Paul: Instead we had to figure it out which in turn started to make the readers lose focus.

Sorry, I tried a couple of times but gave up.

This was like the trivial pursuit game - only trying to figure out who is talking. What a mess!!

Well, you had to start somewhere. Maybe your next step should be a good book on creative writing. In the meantime I’ll give you a few pointers. (I’m surprised the person you had review the story didn’t tell you some of this.)

#1 You have chosen to tell your story in first person which lends itself best to a single point of view. To switch back and forth as you did is, I think, a no no. I have seen an experienced writer do it with some success, but they usually tell at least a fourth of the story with one character talking, then break the page and start the next character talking with something like, ‘Wife’s Story.’ It never works really well and certainly for an inexperienced writer like you and I it’s awful.

#2 If you want to tell a story from different viewpoints use third person unlimited viewpoint. That would run something like this.

(What the fuck is going on? John thought as he looked in the mirror and saw Paul sucking on Babs’ ample tits.

Babs felt like there was a string connecting her cunt to her nipples. As Paul flicked his tongue across her right nipple while rolling the left between his thumb and forefinger she could feel her juices begin to flow. She happened to glance up and saw her husband’s eyes staring directly at her.

“I can’t help it honey, it feels soooo gooood.”

“Yeah man,” Paul piped up. It feels good to me too. You wouldn’t want your wife and your best friend not to have fun, would you?”)

#3 Of course that scene is corny but it should give you an idea of how you should have told the story. A polished writer would have probably only switched POV with each new chapter, but the really important thing is to make it plain which character’s POV you are using. The reader should be able to scan across your pages never having to stop and think about who is doing what.

This advice is worth as least as much as it cost you. You do have a good story line here and show real talent potential. Keep trying!

That was absolutely awful. Please do us all a favor and don't ever submit anything else here.

What an absolute waste.

Write in a THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT NARRATOR POV ("He said, and she thought meanwhile, but none of them knew"). Or else break the story into sections each with its different narrators, with asterisks or section numbers. IT. WON'T. WORK. THIS. WAY. PERIOD. In fact, the driver's thoughts and imaginations could do it all. OR the lady's. But do keep writing, and ignore the anon assholes -- there are many as gutless as dickless!

There is a lot of good in this offering. If this is a brand new writer there is a lot of potential.

There are some places where multiple POVs works well, but not here. Confuses the hell out of everything. If you're in love with it you really should learn how to use and control it.

Three Stars. You do have potential. Good luck.

If you want to show everyone's point of view write in third person omnipresent as narrator. This was just confused and difficult to read with any flow.

But you have promise so keep writing!

This was THREE times longer than it had to be. If you MUST write in three voices or POVs, each voice should be doing a DIFFERENT take (or angle) of the SAME incident or situation. In this case, it was the same (or almost the same) take! Just plain repetitive (i.e. boring!).

For example ... No one of the characters had a plan for sex to happen ... more interesting if a) Friend/Bull is trying to get into Sweetie's undies from the outset; b) Sweetie is ambiguous about sex with Bull, but wants to hide any action from Hubby; and c) Hubby really wants to keep Sweetie exclusive, but doesn't want to alienate Friend or insult Sweetie! Lots of variations possible, such as a) Hubby WANTS Sweetie to expand her experience; or b) Hubby is totally in denial despite 'squishy' sounds and musky smells from backseat!

2*

It starts out with you, your wife, and Paul. Suddenly, John speaks up. Don't write while you're stoned.

First prize goes to bonnietaylor2, who posts as vasti or anonymous or whatever name that cunt chooses for the day. Always the same boring attacks on others. That goes for the others, with a fake name that think they're better than anybody else on here. Yes, you assholes, that think your opinion is superior to anybody else. Gave this story a one star, because it actually deserved it. The end.

I can't figure out what the hell is happening.

why did you write this?

But wait!! you read all of these LW stories. You suck and swallow. gave it a 5

Sorry you can't satisfy your wife.

Pick a perspective and stick with it. I had to keep re-reading things to figure out who was talking. Completely removed my ability to actually enjoy the story.

- The wife is a keeper in regard to her libido & her ability to act on impulse. HOWEVER, she wasn't nice to Paul when she realized he came right away (she humilated him). We owe her the benefit of the doubt, though: she was drunk.

- Paul either was too excited or he has a premature ejaculation problem.

- John is a great guy. He was trying to widen his wife's horizons & es a result she now is HER TRUE SELF & THEN SOME & than just A TAD MORE!

THE STORY FOLLOWS THE INTERIOR MONOLOGUES of THREE PEOPLE. Each scene reapeats 3 times but from a different POV. John will say "my wife" & Paul "his wife" etc, etc. Each scene starts under the same SUBHEADING. New scenes start under NEW HEADING. All subheadings are in ITALICS.

THE STORY IS VERY EROTIC & TOTALLY REALISTIC.

[NB. If i could do it again, i'd give my wife a hall pass after the 2nd child is born.]

Intelligently conceived. This was a weak POS start to finish.

Nice story idea but too confusing to read

you dont have to have a parrot in the car

you dont have to have a parrot in the car

silly