Those Autofellatio Blues Ch. 07

It was then that I gathered I'd made rather a large miscalculation.

As Bridget's beautiful face flushed red as her lipstick and her left eye twitched, I tried to backtrack. "Well, maybe you're a little confused right now, like I am, about, uh, uh..."

She grabbed my wrist. "Just shut up, and tell me you'll fuck me. I want you to fuck me. NEED you to fuck me. If I could cut your dick off and put it in my purse I'd do it in a fucking second, but I can't, the rest of you gets tossed in the bargain. I think I can block out your ugly face and your pathetic body and that annoying collection of tics you call a personality, but only if your dick is inside me."

Her fingertips caressed my wrists again. She said, "Danny, fuck me."

I had to get away from her. She was affecting my brain in a bad way. Even after her insults I was willing to forgive her. I'd forgive her anything. If I didn't get out of her gravitational pull she'd enslave me, she'd have me robbing banks at the snap of her fingers, betraying my country just to see her smile.

There was no gentle way to say what I had to say, so I was brutally blunt. "Bridget, I can't lie. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You're right, I've dreamt about you for years. I do want to make love to you. But I'm not going to. You know why?"

The fingers gripping my wrist tightened like steel bands. Her eyes locked on mine, her jaw quivered. "Because you're mean, vain, cruel, selfish...I could go on and on. Nobody likes you. They might be afraid of you, or they might lust for you, but no one likes you. Because you're impossible to like. And if I've learned anything from your mother, I've learned that, as fantastic as sex might be, it isn't worth putting up with someone you can't fucking stand."

There was maybe a second where nothing happened. Her lower lip trembled. I waited for her to say something. I didn't anticipate her next move, even though I really should have.

She leapt up, leaned over the table, and socked me in the jaw with her free hand. She caught me clean and it hurt. I pushed myself out of the booth, breaking her grip on my wrist. Mistake. She got out first and as soon as I stood up she kicked me square in the nuts. It was like an atomic bomb going off in my groin. By now everyone was looking and running to the scene, and I reached out and grabbed Bridget's arm to keep her from clawing my eyes out. Her free left hand swung and clocked me on the nose. I backed away, but I was afraid to let go of her hand, so I brought her along with me. She recocked her fist and whacked me on the nose again. Finally, at long last, two teachers found the gumption to step in and pull Bridget off me.

She struggled and screamed incoherently, her blue eyes flashing with lightning, her desperately beautiful face twisted in a rigor of paralytic anger. Now, more than ever, you could see that Bridget was Julia's girl. So beautiful, and so scary.

"You son-of-a-BITCH!" Bridget shrieked. "You think I'm in LOVE with you just because you fucked me? You stupid goddam motherfucking son-of-a-bitch!!"

The cafeteria fell into one of those sudden, ominous silences. Bridget stopped screaming, stopped struggling, as it dawned on her what she just said. The teachers breaking up the fight looked horrified. I don't know if it was because they couldn't believe the language Bridget used or because they couldn't believe that a goddess like Bridget would fool around with the likes of ME.

At the moment I didn't really care. I was writhing on the floor, trying not to puke, yet no one asked me if I was OK, not even my friends. The intervening teachers hustled Bridget out the door, leaving me to deal with 500 faces staring back at me.

There was nothing to do but brazen it out. I got to my knees, took several deep breaths, got to my feet, took a few more breaths, and then duck-walked back to my table and sat down. I dabbed at my nose with a napkin and found it only lightly spotted with blood. I lifted knife and fork and cut a tiny chunk out of my sandwich. A bigger bite would have made me hurl. I looked up from my plate, trying not to wince.

"What?" I said to the open-mouths of my friends.

"You fucked Bridget Landau?"

That was the question I was asked over and over and OVER again as I tried to eat. My friends asked, Bridget's friends asked, guys who'd chased Bridget since sixth grade asked, teachers both male and female asked. I answered the question the exact same way-"No".

Not, "None of your business", not "No, wink-wink". I stonewalled. "No. No. NO!" That was the only sane thing I could do. Because otherwise I'd get the follow-up questions. "What was it like?" And, "Why the fuck did she pick YOU?"

After lunch I was intercepted by two teachers who escorted me to the principal's office. I didn't think I would get off without a talking-to. I'd never spoken to Ms. Lester before, since I wasn't the sort to get in trouble. Now she looked at me like I was some alien life form who'd just landed his flying saucer on the baseball field. "I understand that you and Miss Landau had a confrontation in the cafeteria?"

"Yes."

"What was it about?"

"I'd rather not say."

Her eyes hardened. "I'd rather you did."

The days where I'd get spooked by the steely gaze of an adult in a position of responsibility were long gone. "I mean no disrespect, really, but there is no way I'm going to discuss that with you."

Ms. Lester shifted in her seat. "Perhaps a week's suspension would change your mind," she mused.

"Nope."

I could tell she was getting angry. She pressed her knees tight together, she hunched her shoulders, and her jaw jutted. "During the fight Ms. Landau said that you and she had sex together. Was this sex consensual?"

"What did Bridget say?"

"What she said doesn't matter. What do you say?"

"If what she says doesn't matter, then what I say is this-we never had sex. She was lying. I don't know why she said that, I don't know why she hit me. I don't know why I'm here being interrogated, since all I did was take the beating."

Ms. Lester sighed dramatically. "I think we should continue this conversation with your parents. And Bridget's parents."

She meant this to scare me, and I almost felt sorry for her, because it was pathetic. After facing down Julia and Bridget a mere principal was of no concern. "I think we should. I also don't think I should speak to you without my parents with me." I stood up. "Can I go back to class now?"

I think it was standing up that really pissed her off. "No. I'm going to call your parents right now, and you can go home. You're suspended, indefinitely. While we investigate what took place."

I nodded. "My mom's probably home. Do you want my home number?"

Ms. Lester stood and went into her office to call Mom. When she came back she looked a bit disturbed. "Um, you're mother said she'd be here in twenty minutes, and that Mrs. Landau would be here too. So maybe we can resolve this right now."

"Maybe," I said.

The resulting meeting was every bit as surreal as I expected. Julia started off with, "I don't know what happened, but it was all Bridget's fault."

"What?" Ms. Lester said.

"Mommy!" said Bridget.

"My daughter told me everything and it was all her doing. Danny was totally innocent."

"Do you even know what happened?" Ms. Lester said.

"What's the problem here?" my mom said. "My little boy gets assaulted by this girl, she admits she did it, yet you don't seem to be listening."

"I didn't admit anything!" Bridget said.

"Bridget! Tell your principal it was all your fault!" Julia looked at her daughter and there were tears in her eyes. "Please, honey, please! Just say it was all your fault, that Danny did nothing wrong!"

Tell you what, I was as freaked as Ms. Lester. My mother was staring at Julia, who was practically white with terror. Julia was staring at Bridget. Bridget looked at the ground. I looked at Bridget. Ring around the rosie.

"Honey?" Julia said, trying to smile and failing miserably.

Bridget swallowed and said, "It was all my fault. He didn't do anything to me. I'm just jealous, because he won't go out with me."

"Wait, say that again?" Ms. Lester said, incredulous. She looked at me like I might start ranting and raving. "YOU won't go out with HER?"

My mother fairly sprang out of her chair. "What, you're saying my son isn't good enough for this little tramp?" She loomed over Ms. Lester, and I thought Mom was going to bite her face off. "All my boy has to do is snap his fingers, and this little bitch will be ON HER FUCKING KNEES!"

Once again, we were off in the Twilight Zone. I touched Mom on the elbow and said, "OK, I think you made your point. Can we go now?"

Ms. Lester nodded.

I steered Mom to the front door. Her face was red, she still looked like she had mayhem on her mind. "Am I suspended?"

Ms. Lester shook her head.

"See you tomorrow!" I chirped.

"We're sorry!" Julia said. "We're both very sorry!"

I took the keys from Mom's hand, but she didn't let go. "Maybe I should drive?"

She gave me a look, a look just like the one when she stumbled in on me sucking my dick. Then she relaxed, opened her fingers, and gave up the keys. "Maybe you should."

I held the door open for Mom, she took a seat, and I toyed with the idea of throwing the keys in the bushes and running for it. The women in my life...what a group. It spoke volumes about the twisted state of my life that the woman with whom I had the most rational, mature relationship was Elaine, a woman thirty years my senior who routinely made me blow myself and enjoyed fucking me up the ass with dildos.

I had to get away, get through these last few months and go away to college. Then things would settle down. Just a few more weeks of school, two lazy summer months, and then escape from the asylum.

But first I had to drive Mom home. At least this couldn't get too weird.

Right.