True Lies - Redux Ch. 03

And she sat back looking a tad expectant but in thoughtful silence. I thought she was extremely trustworthy - like Flynn was.

"Ah, geez. This part is definitely confidential right now. OK?" And Dr. Ruth nodded in agreement.

"The fact is I was unfaithful and cheating on Jim. I did think of it as an affair and quite possibly a marriage ending one, at that time when Jim walked out. I thought that I was falling in love with the other man and he was going to be my next husband. Boy, was I wrong and just a fool."

There was another period of silence with Dr. Ruth patiently waiting.

"It actually feels good talking about this honestly. I've been more and more unhappy myself the last couple of weeks, could you possibly take me on as a patient, as well?"

"I'm sure I could work you in - but just to be clear as an individual or as a couple, marriage counseling?"

"Individual for now. I'm really not sure if I want to stay in this marriage, now. I don't know if I could ever actually face Jim and confess all this - and I don't see how he could want to stay with me if I did fully confess. It's all such a mess now. I always thought I was a good person, a good woman, and a good wife. I THOUGHT I was a Proverbs 31 woman - worth more than jewels. Now I don't feel I'm worth anything to anyone."

Of course this was when the box of tissues always handy was first utilized. Tears was a good sign. Actually VERY good at this stage for everyone involved.

After a few minutes Dr. Ruth asked a gentle question. "Could you tell me just a little bit about the other man? Is he the first one you cheated with, either physically or maybe just emotionally? Was there some sexual fulfillment issues with Jim, for you? Or maybe just emotional detachment feelings maybe fueled by other commitments like just work? Jim is really worried about some of these things, and without even actual knowledge that anything did happen..."

"I'm sure Jim told you I'm a lawyer. The man is a client of mine and because of my own professional relationship with him I can't speak too freely. Let me just say Jim has asked me about this man specifically and...Jim was right. I'm not sure exactly why I did it but I have felt I was losing a lot of respect for Jim as a man and my husband for the last two years. I just got disenchanted with him and his job, not even a real career, professionally. Jim just lost all his ambition. I used to think he was a genius and headed for great things..."

Sigh. And more silence.

"And all the men I was around in my job, day in and day out, were just so much more driven, aggressive. Masculine. Other lawyers and politicians and even their top aides and assistants. All Jim did was basically a nine to five job and played some recreational sports like softball, SOFTBALL! And then drank beer with his friends and teammates once a week.

"And it was like I still loved him - our sex life was good if not great - right up until that day he just walked out. But I loved him not as a woman should really love a man she was having enjoyable sex with 3 times a week. I was confused and conflicted myself. And then this one guy just seemed to offer me so much more. The physical sexual attractiveness was definitely there for me, but it was his power. His dominance and just raw masculinity really pushed my buttons. Yes, he has a LOT of money, as well - but it was the power and confidence his money gave him that made my knees go weak, not really the money itself."

"Can you understand that at all?"

"Oh yes, Rachel - these are all very normal kinds of feelings for the vast majority of women, actually, and in every human culture. Of course they aren't feelings that can't be subsumed and controlled by most "normal" human females, as well. It is harder for some than others. But a person like you had a choice in the matter, and you chose to give in. And please don't think I'm judging you, morally, or any other way. Just pointing it out as my opinion. Would you disagree?"

More silence.

"You know me very well, already. I started wearing really sexy underwear around him before I actually did give in to the temptation. So, yes - I made a volitional choice. I can't blame it on even "it just happened. I lost control." You are exactly right."

"So, one key question for you to ponder as we wrap this first session up: have you chosen to just not love Jim anymore? And if so, why? Is there something Jim could do right now to change your mind, one way or the other? E.g. - could Jim actually earn your love, or re-earn it somehow? Did he earn your love originally or did you just give it?"

"I'll certainly think about this. He really did seduce me eventually after we were friends first, way back in college. But I think I gave in to him sexually before I had real "love" feelings for him. But once we started having sex I really did fall - hard - for him. Maybe that was "earning" my love? I'll have to think about this...thank you so much for helping me with this. I may not quite be as unhappy as Jim is right now, but you can tell him I'm not happy with my new life without him in it very much at all. That is the truth even though it doesn't really mean us just living together again is going to put Humpty-Dumpty back together."

"OK, Rachel. I'll pencil you in for this time every Monday. Is that OK with you? And here is my card with my always on cellphone number. Please feel free to call me anytime you feel a need to talk - about anything at all. I mean it, I do this with almost all my patient's initially who I consider in crisis mode. You and Jim are there right now, I'm afraid."

*********

As soon as Rachel left Dr. Ruth called Elaine.

"I just had my first session with Rachel. It went very well overall but unfortunately I could not get much specifically out of her about Grayson. I can understand and almost agree with Flynn's evaluation. At the proper time we can bring her in and turn her. In my professional opinion she is still in love with Jim and as a last resort we can use that as well. But only very carefully. She is an intelligent and complicated woman. She has my card as well as Flynn's and all we can do is hope she initiates the next contact with one of us pretty soon."