Unforgettable Fire Pt. 03: The Present

The hot blood made his pale skin red. He felt even warmer now he was so close, a step away from being in direct contact with me. I could feel heat emanating from him and burning through the fabric of my dress. My body pressed itself harder against the edge of the sink, but I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't run. Finn's tall body was a wall between me and my only way out. So I gave in under his pressure.

"Yes! I was scared, damn you!" I shouted, stepping forward and facing him, our chests touching. "I was too young and I loved you too much, it was overwhelming! I was afraid of how much I loved you. I didn't want to be that vulnerable. I didn't want to be so emotionally dependent on you or anyone, for that matter! What if I had gone with you and then sometime in the future one of us decided we didn't want to be together anymore? Where would I go? What would I do? You'd still have your dream, but I would have nothing! You'd be the only thing I had there. I was you, I lived and breathed for you, I spent my days thinking of you! It was too much...I got scared, because you had the power to hurt me. You had me, you were me." Finn's shallow, warm breaths blew on my face. I stepped back, sighing with the weight of saying all those things I never wanted to admit, even to myself. "Yes, I could easily have gone with you. I could have forgiven the lie. I did forgive it, a long time ago, but I can't forgive myself. I made it all bigger than it was out fear, and now here we are. Fucked up."

I widened my eyes in an effort to avoid crying. I must have looked like a scared little doe under the aim of a hunter. Big eyes, heavy breathing. I wasn't doing so well.

Finn smirked the way one would do at the sight of a pathetic creature you felt glad to see hurt.

I furrowed my brows, and my lips started to shake. He was enjoying listening to me say all that, like a mean child enjoys torturing helpless little animals.

"Fear? Fear of what, Hero? Fear of commitment? Is that your best excuse?" He said coldly.

The little empathy showed in his eyes, his voice...My warm tears got the best of me.

"No. Not fear of commitment. Fear of...I don't know, life maybe? Fear of getting hurt by the inevitability of life, fear of chance, of circumstance-"

"You just didn't trust me." His words interrupted mine.

Trust him? I shook my head, confused. Of course I trusted him.

"Finn, I did-"

"No, Hero, you didn't." He wouldn't let me talk. "You didn't trust my love for you. I understand I hurt you by not telling you sooner about all that internship business, but I knew you, I know you. I knew you would've used that as an excuse to run away from me -as you did!-, and I loved you. I didn't want to lose you." He stopped, turned and walked towards the kitchen isle before turning back again. When he spoke again he pointed his accusatory index finger at me and his face went redder, contorted in contained anger. "You...you weren't just scared. You were a coward. You put yourself first. In an attempt to save yourself pain you hurt me. And, you see, I'm not trying to excuse myself from any blame here. I know how much you value honesty and dialogue so, yes, I should have told you sooner, but you...you should have talked to me. If you were scared, Hero, you should have told me. I would've have given you time. I would have waited for you."

I'm not sure I processed everything he said. There was a buzz in my ears. Tears burned my eyes and dulled my vision. A coward? He'd called me a coward. In my numb state I still managed to wonder if everything he said would've hurt this much had he been wrong. And I knew he wasn't.

I tried speaking despite my shaky lips.

"I just-" And again, he didn't let me.

"And you keep saying there is no 'what ifs'. All your excuses are based on you wondering what if! You can't know how things would've been. You don't know that we wouldn't still be together had you gone with me! And I would have loved you, Hero. Damn it! Proof of that, I still do, standing right here right now, even though you don't deserve it. Even knowing you didn't choose to be with me. Fear?" He laughed, even throwing his head back, as if that word were the funniest word ever. "Fear of being hurt, you said. Look at your life right now. I left and after two years you married some fellow who would rather shag your fucking intern than you. Look how well your self preservation worked out for you."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, FINN." I felt my whole body shake with anger. Who did he think he was, to stand there, inside my own damn house and deliberately humiliated and hurt me like that?

He went on throwing words at me, as if I hadn't said a word.

"I would have waited for you. If two years were all you needed to finish your degree and get your life together, I would've waited."

I was like a scared little mouse trapped in a corner. I stood there, crying and shaking, completely pathetic. As much as I wanted to, I didn't even have words to throw back at him. Nothing I had to say could have hurt him the way his words had hurt me.

All I wanted was to not feel. I wished there were a way to physically removed the pain, the hurt. To just extinguish it. Switch it off.

I thought he was done with his assault. He wasn't.

"You know, you deserve what you got." His eyes used to be the thing I loved the most. I thought they were so expressive and warm. Right now, they were expressive alright, full of hate, rims reddened. "You're still the same immature little girl you were ten years ago. Selfish and insecure."

He hissed, more than he spoke. Like a snake threatening its prey. And I was allowing myself to be a victim.

When had he become so cruel?

I hated to be so damn weak.

So why was I doing it?

I straightened my back, lifted my head up and looked right into his eyes, knowing full well I was more pretending to be brave than anything else. I didn't try to repress my tears.

"Is this why you wanted to come here? Is this what you wanted to talk about? So you said everything you needed to say. Now go. Get the fuck out of my house. And I hope to god I never see you again, Finland, for your sake and mine. If you hate me so much, fine. Go. Out of my life, out of my mind...Out!" My voice got higher and braver gradually. I puffed my chest and let out every word I didn't know needed out. "You left and I survived it. I lived just fine without you. However fucked up my life is right now, it is my life. Mine! So go! Just go! Begone!"

I felt the need to hurt him. I felt it running in my veins and I felt it roll across my tongue. "Just say it," It urged me, "just hurt him like he just hurt you."

"I'm a selfish, immature girl who doesn't deserve your love. Well, I don't want it either. So go, and leave me be."

It worked. I saw the hurt flashing in his eyes.

My mouth quirked into a wicked, content smile. I didn't feel happy with myself, though. Truth be told, I felt miserable. Dead inside. None of that was true and I knew it. I did want his love, because I too, loved him still. Even though none of us deserved it.

Finn just stood there, staring angrily at me. Everytime he exhaled his body shook. I leveled his gaze with as much temporary hate and defiance as he did mine.

He didn't move a muscle. There was a little vein pulsing on his temple. His jaw was clenched and he stood frozen, immobile like a statue. Whenever he was really mad he would always stay still, as quiet as he could to try and master his temper. But I just wanted him to go, so I did the thing I knew well enough I should never do, I interrupted his exercise. Finn wasn't a violent man, but he had a temper, and I knew well not to get between him and his anger management.

"What are you waiting for, Finn, just go! GO!" I took one single step towards him while I yelled at him. But moving faster than I thought possible for a man so tall, Finn grabbed me by the wrists and hauled me towards him. My body hit his with such force, it hurt my chest.

He just stared into my eyes, his own so maniac, so full of some primal emotion, I felt scared of him for the very first time in my life. I had poked the bear.

My wrist were held high in front of me. He gripped me so tightly, his knuckles were white and his hands shook.

The pain stung my skin, I felt the blood pulsing wildly where he held me. The tips of my fingers already felt cold, deprived of blood. The way he twisted my wrists was sure to give me chinese burns.

The worst, most scary thing of all wasn't his physical reaction though. It was the cruelty, the harshness on him, on his words...that wasn't the Finn I knew, not my Finn. That was another man. The Finn I had given up out of fear. Out of cowardice.

I whimpered and felt the tears coming faster down my cheeks. I wanted to beg him to let go, he was hurting me. But I didn't move, I didn't beg, I didn't wiggle away. Instead I moved closer to him, pressing my breasts to chest chest until they were crushed under my dress.

"Aren't you happy you hurt my feelings, now you want to cause actual physical harm? Is that it?" I said slowly, just loud enough for him to hear it.

I must've hit a nerve, for he let go of my wrists and backed away.

I rubbed my hands around the skin on my wrists. It was crimson, and already turning purple.

Finn's expression softened a little, but it was still hard. He pressed his lips into a line, expelling all the blood and making them white, before he spoke again.

"You know I would never-"

"Never hurt me?" I spat at him, holding my wrists up to him. "You just did."

He crooked his head to the side, squeezing his eyes shut and ran a hand over his hair.

"Don't do this, Hero."

Never in a million years, would I have ever thought things would take such a turn. I couldn't imagine it being any worse. I didn't know how we would fix it now. I didn't know if we could.

All the time I had been crying I let my tears flow freely. Now I felt them running down my neck and into the gap between my breasts.

I brought shaky hands up to my face and wiped my cheeks, sniffing.

"I think we said everything we had to say to each other. We did enough damage. You should go now." My words came out nasal.

Finn chuckled, an incredulous and wry sound.

"No." He said firmly.

I gasped and widened my eyes. Why wouldn't he just go?

"Just go, Finland! What the hell do you want from me? Haven't you said enough, humiliated me enough, you still want more?! Here I am! Say it! Get it all off your chest! Throw anything you want at me! Come on! Do it and go!" I had lost all control over myself. I screamed and cried, desperately spilling words that just made it all worse. I cried so much it was hard to speak, my chest hurt and trapped the air in, not letting it out or any fresh air in. I dropped to my knees depleted of any emotional strength.

Something happened then, I don't know what. A shift in the air, maybe. I said something, or I did something that calmed Finn down. Maybe he felt pity, I'm not sure. I felt him by the side on the floor, his hands rubbing my back, his mouth on my hair while he whispered soothing sounds into it.

I searched for some strength and found none. I put my hands on his chest and fisted my hands on his cotton t-shirt. "I can't stand this anymore. I can't have you haunting my life any longer, I had ten years of it! Now leave me in peace, please, please, please..."

I kept saying please again and again, until the word was just a whisper. All those feelings I didn't even know I had been keeping in came rushing out, breaking me down. Finn rocked me, cradled me on his chest, with his arms protectively circled around me.

"Shhhh. Shhhh." He whispered into my hair.

It could have been minutes or hours, I couldn't tell. But finally I stopped sobbing, though tears still ran freely down my face.

Finn felt the shift in my breathing and put a hand on my face, lifting it up to his. He had such a tender and soft look on his eyes now.

It was insane how mercurial our relationship had always been. Like the calm before the storm, we were perfectly fine one minute and then the next, we were trying our best to hurt each other.

"Breath." His soft voice commanded me. "Breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Just breath."

I did as he told me to.

Taking in as much air as I could through my nose and then letting it all out, shakily through my mouth.

He nodded down at me, his eyebrows lifted and his mouth parted as he muttered. "Yes, just like this."

He kissed my forehead and pulled my head to rest on his chest again, still rocking us.

We were inside a bubble where time didn't existed. I don't know for how long I sat there, head resting on his chest, listening to his heart. I remembered the one time when he explained to me that the sound we hear isn't actually the beat of the heart, but the opening and closing of the major valves. I smiled sadly into his chest.

"Why do we keep doing this to each other?" I heard his words echoing inside his chest. There was a bitter laugh somewhere in his voice.

I had always asked myself that question. That was just the way we had always been. Even though there was a lot of love between us, when we actually were together we fought a lot over the smallest and silliest of things. And when it was all over we didn't even bother saying I'm sorry, because it all just faded away once we were touching each other again.

"I don't know. We always hurt the ones we love the most. It's just human nature, I suppose." I said.

Finn leaned back and the skin on my face that had been pressed to his chest was suddenly overly sensible to the cold air. He cupped my face with his large hands and forced me to look at him.

"Can we please stop?" His thumb brushed my cheeks. There was such tenderness and...love, real love in his eyes. "I don't know how we managed to do such a mess here today, but please, let's just stop."

I was tired. My god! I was so tired of it all. I just wanted a moment of quiet with him. A moment where we weren't regretting the past or fighting over it. Just a moment where we weren't hurting each other.

"Yes. Let's stop." I nodded in agreement, and he hugged me tighter. I pressed my lips to the fabric of his shirt covering his shoulders.

That cloud of 'what do we do now?' loomed over us. We just stood clung to each other, both of us afraid of making any abrupt movement and disturbing our newly found peace.

Unable to stop, my mind replayed his words over and over again in loops, until I fully realized how right he had been.

He'd been so mean, so intent on hurting me, but he had also been right. I had been scared. I was scared to death of being vulnerable and so thrown in his mercy I feared I'd lose myself in him. Most of all I was afraid he might wake up one day and decide he didn't love me anymore, and I, being only him and not myself anymore, wouldn't have survived.

"Finn," At the sound of his name he pulled away from our embrace. Meeting his eye I said the thing I should've said since the beginning of the night. "I know it won't fix anything, but I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I know it's worthless to say all this now, but you're right...about everything. I was scared, I didn't trust you, and I need you to forgive me so I can forgive myself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so- fuck, what a damn useless word!" I trailed off, being trampled on by so many emotions I didn't know how to deal with.

I needed to fix everything so fucking desperately, even though I knew there was no fixing it. I just refused to believe that was the state we were to be left in.

Finn's scrutinizing look felt like an actual physical weight on me. He pinned me down with such a deep look, I felt myself shrinking. But he held my face in between his hands and the tips of his fingers were so hardly pressed to my skull, his touch echoed in my bones.

"I don't have to forgive you, Hero."

I sucked in a breath, afraid of his next words.

He saw the expression on my face and quickly added, brushing my hair with one hand. "We did this mess together, you and I. We hurt each other together. We're older now and we know better, and I can promise you this won't be easy. Actually it will be hard as hell, but we can fix it...together. I only need to hear you say it, Hero. Just say it."

I had already said everything I could think of saying, I had said I was sorry. I didn't know what else to say and whatever I said now wouldn't made the harsh words we directed at each other go away.

I shook my head, pleading with my eyes.

"I'm so-"

"No!" He held my head with firmer hands, shaking it. "Not that you're sorry. You've already said it. Just tell me.Tell me, Hero. Tell me!"

Understanding hit me like a truck.

He wanted me to say it.

Those words I rarely said.

Those words I only said in my head.

I opened my mouth.

"Finn- No! Let me say this first!" I quickly said when I saw him starting to protest. "I know I'm damaged, I wish I weren't, but I can't help it. All I need to know is, if I tell you, if I let my walls down, please, promise me, promise me you'll stay and help me? Don't let me hurt us ever again. Promise?" I took one of his big hands and clasped it with both of mine, pressing our hands to my heart. "Promise me?"

He came closer and pressed his forehead to mine. When he spoke, his breath blew warm on my face.

"I do. I promise you. I won't let you push me away again, and I won't let you run. I promise." He said softly.

I let out the most relieved breath ever. My entire body relaxed.

I brought our joined hands to my mouth and kissed it so blindly, I felt my lips on my own hands when I meant to kiss only his.

Then I pressed my lips to the back of his hands and pulled away so I could look at him.

It was such a simple thing to say. It was what I felt. What people told to one another everyday a thousand times over. To me, though, it wasn't just words. It meant giving myself to him, it meant giving us a second chance, and a second chance held the possibility for failure as much as it did for success. It was a leap of faith, one I knew I had to take now or I would just regret it again, the way I regretted not taking it ten years ago. But now I was ready, I was still scared, but I also was sure that running towards him, other than from him, was what I needed to do.

I breathed deeply, and just simply said it.

"I love you, Finn. I never stopped loving you, not for a single fucking moment all of these years, and-" Whatever it was I was going to say was lost forever the moment his lips crashed over mine.

Finn moaned a relieved sound and his hands twisted in my hair.

The way he kissed me...lips, and tongue, and teeth, and rough hands. Every single one of my sensitive nerve endings were on fire, alerting me to his touch. He robbed me of all my senses. To feel was the only thing I knew.

His tongue forced its way inside my mouth and met mine with equal hunger. His hands travelled down my body until they found the hem of my dress, which he hastily brought up my thighs. He ran his palms up and down my skin, digging the tips of his fingers on the flesh on the sides of my ass.

"Listen to me," He took his lips away from mine and I whimpered at the loss of contact. "I'm not ever letting you run again. If I go to fucking China you have better follow me." He breathed out, with a husky voice before kissing me again and making me moan.

I needed him to keep touching me more than I needed air to breath. My skin missed his touch, his touch that made it come alive like no other's could ever do.

Once again, Finn's lips left mine, but he quickly moved them to my left ear. He trailed kisses and little sucks from my ear to the notch in between my clavicles. I shivered and curled my fingers on his hair.