All Comments on 'What Is Polyamory?'

I found this article very interesting about a subject I have never thought about too much at all.

I very much agree with the emphasis of being faithful over being monogamous. The half of AP writing this is the male half, who due to a psychological quirk is literally incapable of both jealousy and hatred (and while I have sometimes wished I were capable of hate, I have never wanted to be jealous). The female half was in a previous relationship for many years with a man who cheated on her throughout their time together, literally from before the marriage to the very day he died. As a result, right after explaining my beliefs to her, I made this vow: "I will never touch another woman sexually, unless and until you release me from this vow." Much later, I added that another man, while not violating the letter of the vow, would violate the spirit; and the whole point was to engender trust.

However, I do have a question for you. Polygamy as practiced by chauvanistic societies - fundamentalist Islam, parts of Africa, the segment of the Mormon community excommunicated by the Church of Latter Day Saints for continuing to practice polygamy, often with underage girls and against their will - is inherantly unfair to the women. OTOH, polygamy as practiced by free and equal societies is unfair to the MEN. One cock, multiple women to satisfy. Several women to experience PMS. Several women to take sides against the man. Several women to fight over him. If they are not his chattel, then he is outnumbered and at a severe disadvantage in many ways.

What are your feelings towards polyandry - marriage to multiple husbands? Would that not address many of the problems with jealousy, not to mention these other issues? Would that not also negate many of the negative charges made against polyamory?

while you said that polyamorous people could be heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, every anecdote in the article implied that polyamory is one man with more than one woman.

i am a bisexual polyamorous woman with one husband, four boyfriends and two girlfriends.

while your research included a large amount of highly academic work, you left out most of the best known poly resources,

Deborah Anapol's, "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits"

Easton & Liszt, "Ethical Slut"

as well as numerous online resources

www.polyamory.org

www.polyamorysociety.org

www.unmarried.org

to review what some seem to be confusing:

polygamy - one man, multiple women. common in middle east, africa, bits of asia (and anywhere a guy is filthy rich).

polyandry - one woman, multiple men. more common in tough enviornemnts - tundras, deserts, mountains where men have to leave for long periods to forage with high mortality rates.

both are illegal in most western societies, unless it is serial because of divorce. you can have multiple partners in legal commitments, just not at once.

poly amory - many love. this would INCLUDE polygamy, AND polyandry, as well as various types of group marriages combining more than one man with more than one women.

just so you know which is which.

Interesting article of segments of justifications and some related problems (or perhaps similar to the addage figures never lie but liers can sure figure). It doesn't seem to mention any statistical success or failure rates for those involved or the emotional fallout for children raised in such circumstance of free love, non-defined responsibility and non-commitment in the long term. In a sense, one reasonably expects the inventor to sell the benefits of his or her baby.

If history is an indicator of likely future success then this movement is surely doomed to failure as cited by the author herself.

One understands the interest, as it is a way to address the increasing pressures of stress upon the marital unit and its players. Never before has a female been so finitely required to directly and seperately participate in the responsibility of material shared ownership. This is on top of the responsibilities of loving motherhood and wife. Not understood by many are the additional responsibilities of home management, which are not always fairly shared by the male partner. The material earning stresses felt singularly by the male partner previously are now felt by the female. The burden of all these stresses can cause each partner to seek distractional relief in someone else's emotions. Being now consistantly exterior to the family unit enlarges the working female's exposure to the same temptations caused by constant framiliarity that the male partner has always had to deal with, but now his situation is further compounded by more females in his previously mostly male space. So, the game is on and clearly more complex for each to remain committed to each other and the family unit. Within the new more complex total needs of the new family unit, a weak partner is now more than ever a liability within that marital unit as the emotional and material needs have a lesser margin of error for success as measured today. Is it any real wonder, that the new marital equals find more ligitimit spousal faults that need mending or compromise. Now more than ever the marital unit is or should be known basically as a business element that can fail materialy or emotionally failing care and constant communication.

So the weak and uneducated, as in business, will fall aside or look for the greener pastures which don't really exist in the longterm. This purgatory or holding space you speak of may placate temporarily while learning about life's real consequences and preparing for the longterm. The non-caring weak will float in it forever, wondering why others shun them, the flotsom of life. The weak will justify and fault but never join life as it can be with hard work, knowledge and compromise.

Marriage is clearly not for everyone. One must want to be committed to and for each other through the good and bad times - and to share each with resolution fairly. To fail, repair and resurrect respect. These are the good consequences of mutual honor, trust and respect within the agreed upon responsibilities of the marital contract. Children raised in this environment can see these conditions and are comforted and shaped by them clearly or in the abstract subconsiously.

Enough. I honor your right to advance a thought and to languise in it temporarily while you grow, but feel sad that you feel it's the longterm answer to the compexities of a fullfilling life. (sorry for any spelling errors) Regards

My question is about how you explain that Polygamy is unfair in Africa where it is practiced? Clearly if you assume that then you do not know how it is practiced there. Men only take on extra wives to support their herd of cattle, Multiple marriages mainly serve the purpose of support, the whole reason they've existed for so long is because in different places at one time or another having more then one wife or husband is advantageous for the surroundings. I'm sorry that Christians have a problem with it, but Polyamory can take a number behind everything else Christianity doesn't like. When it helps a group of people then thats why it is done. In Africa where the Cattlemen practice it, They will take another wife and put her in charge of a number of Cattle, because they cannot support them with just 1 wife. In fact, if she does well enough with her herd, She may even be allowed to take a wife of her own, with her own charge of cattle and they are Hers and only Hers, well theirs(the wife and her wife). The practice of extra wives is completely non-sexual in all instances. The man has no access to the wife of his wife. The wife can even take multiple wives. It only is rational to have more then one spouse when having more then one can guarantee more resources then having only one would. This is either from a lack of them, or high competition for resources. Its rarely approached from an emotional or sexual standpoint, That is what complicates polygamy in other instances. Yes many writers can talk about the subject and explain about love and jealousy, but honestly in situations where its absolutely necessary to have more then one spouse, things like jealousy don't get in the way, because if one doesn't follow the plan then it could make life harder for everyone. Or even cost them their lives.

And thats all I have to say about that.

i di enjoy this essay quite a bit, though i felt it seemed to revolve around a male centered relationship. I am in a poly marriage with my primary, my husband, and have a scondary relationship with my lover whom i have been with for three years... my husband has been with his lover for approximately the same time, by coincidence only, i asssure you LOL... i think it would be great if you could write an essay exploring the mutiple facets of polyamory and not just on the traditional sense of polygamy. and interesting reference to cite would be the yanamamo tribe of south america which practices an extreme form of polygamy

Regarding "anonymous" and "anonymous..."

Why is it that the negative comments always come from "anonymous?" Are you so afraid that you can't even display an online ID - nevermind a real name?

I feel that polygamy in Africa is unfair largely because of a practice called "genital mutilation." That's where, in an attempt to ensure that all children will be genetically descended from the male, the incentive to commit adultery is removed. Said incentive being the clitoris. Don't tell me that the women in Africa are being well treated when their introduction to sex is to have someone cut off their clit with a stone knife when they turn 13.

Regarding the other "anonymous" who said that polyamory won't work in the long run. One: you stated that polyamory is free of responsibility. Not true - you've just described a commune from the 60s. "Free love" is not true love, it is merely swinging. Love is when the happiness and welfare of another is essential to your state of mind; a desire to see that other achieve their maximum potential. Whether it's love of spouse, love of country, love of children, love of an ideal, it is all the same. Love requires the assuming of responsibility.

Second, your insinuation that men do not assume their fair share of household duties is both incorrect and offensive. Patti (the P in AP) does much of the cooking, and the majority of the cleaning (which encompases a great deal, as I am not very tidy). But I'm the one who does carpentry and other repairs around the house. I'm the one who does basic maintenance on the car. I'm the one who went down to the basement with the plumber and helped him use his snake while wading ankle deep in sewage. Patti is the one who does the painting. I'm the one who carries furniture around like they were made of styrofoam so she can do so. I cook specialty foods such as sushi and freshly baked bread for her. In our own ways, we each work just as hard, because we love each other.

I enjoyed this esssay. There is nothing with polyamory, polygamy, or swinging. Those are all legitimate alternatives to monogamy, which is unnatural. I am a swinger, and I have no problem with this. It works for me.

I don't see what would unfair to either partner about polyamory, as long as it's mutual. That is, no double standard. The male and female are BOTH entitled to other partners. I prefer to have a primary partner, along with occasional partners with whom I use protection. There is nothing irresponsible or less committed about this.

For all those who have asked questions about this work, I do have a thread devoted to it on the message board. (You can get to it through the Bulletin Board link on the main Lit page.) I will answer all questions as I receive and try to offer some background information. http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?t=314536

Thank you to all who have posted so far. I am glad that this provoked so much discussion! My apologies for the slant that many believe were in this essay... Please feel free to contact me via with anything you might have, leave more public comments on the essay (I love reading them!) or come and discuss it with me on the message board.

First of all, I heartily agree that anonynous comments are bad. I think those people are cowards! I thought that your review was well written. I personally am involved in a sex-less marraige with grown up children.

I am a Christian, so I do not support the Polyamory Lifestyle, but I will not condemm it either. We all have to make our own choices in life, it's called FreeWill. If you have any comments or questions for me, please PM me or email me at msboy8@yahoo.com