Why Did I Do This? Ch. 02

We attempted to thank Amy for her help and brush her off, but she said, "No way! I'm coming home with you guys." I pulled my car into the garage, pulled the red rope to disengage the automatic door opener, and turned the door handle to manually lock the door. What were the odds Tina had a key for that door? Fortunately, all the exterior house doors had deadbolt locks that could only be opened and closed from the inside -- none had a key slot. We ensured each door was dead-bolted.

I told the kids, including Amy, I had a place to stay, and they could call me on my cell if they needed me. I told them I didn't know when, if ever, I would be back. They were old enough to handle this discussion. So I reminded them their mother and I loved the two of them more than anyone else in the world. If their mother and I permanently separated, our love for them would not change. Tessa asked, "Don't you still love Mom?" I answered with the best I could manage at the time, "I don't think so, at least not right now."

I had already pretty much determined what I would need to take to hold me for a week. I had two large suitcases, a roll-aboard, and a medium-sized moving box. The kids helped me pack suits, dress shirts, shoes, socks, casual clothes, toiletries, etc. in the two suitcases and roll-aboard. I put a few books, my home laptop, and a few other items I thought I might need into the moving box. I was finished. James said he would load everything into my back seat and trunk. Did I really look that old and/or decrepit?

We had all been so busy, most of us now realized we were hungry. I left it the three of them. Order in or send Amy to get carryout. They decided on my favorite -- Burger King. Tessa went with Amy because James was still loading my car. Me? I grabbed a couple of beers, sat in my recliner, and reflected on what the next phase of my life would be like.

*****/*****

TINA

I was shocked beyond anything I could imagine. My family knew what I had been doing! I couldn't form any thoughts to make the sight of them go away. I knew I had to do something so I turned and ran back to Ted's apartment. How could Jay be so mean to tell the kids about my affair AND have them present when I came out of Ted's apartment. What had he told me? Don't come home and don't contact me. He mentioned divorce. I didn't want a divorce. How did I get myself into this, and, more importantly, how was I going to get myself out of it?

I asked Ted to sit down with me so we could reconstruct and write down Jay's demands Ted told me Jay had called out each demand with a number -- there were six demands. We worked on the demands list for a while, but I wasn't much help because I was crying so hard. Why did I do this and what was I going to do?

Although I was still crying, I called James on his cell. He answered, but, knowing it was me, he was very curt. I asked him how his father was, and James answered, "How do you think he is?" I hoped that meant Jay was fairly well under control. I guess you can do that if you've had at least a week to think about it. I howled and cried even harder. James said, "Listen to the recording. Dad said it was so bad he wouldn't let us listen to it. Mom! How could you do this to us? Nothing will ever be the same again!" He immediately disconnected our call.

So, here I was in Ted's apartment, and Jay had told me not to come home until tomorrow afternoon. I asked Ted if I could spend the night. He got a nervous look on his face and said, "I don't think that will work, Babe. I've got other plans." That caused me to cry that much harder. I hoped I would soon be all cried out, but I had my doubts.

I decided I did not want to call my mom or my sister. I asked Ted how much longer I could stay. When he said, "A couple of hours," I sat down at his computer to find a place to stay.

I drove to the Holiday Inn Express where I had just made my reservation. Not surprisingly, I was still crying when I checked in. The clerk asked I was okay, and I assured the young man I was "fine." Settled in my room, I took stock of my situation. Ted and I had come up with a list of five of Jay's six demands. I hoped the one we forgot wasn't the most important of the six. Jay had mentioned divorce, but I certainly did not want to even think about that. But, he had also said he didn't want a divorce -- at least not now.

Jay said he would contact me in a week. I consulted his list of demands to determine what I should and should not do. Saving my marriage and my family was the most important thing for me to do -- I guess I should have thought about that eleven months ago.

I had to listen to the recording I had put in my purse. I could do that when I got home. Home? How different was it going to be? Jay would be gone, the kids would certainly hate me. He also said I was to leave him alone. That was going to be difficult, but I did not want to further upset him; so, I would fight all urges to call him or attempt to find him.

My cell rang at about 8:30. It was James. He told me Jay had left with enough things for a week, and I could come home now. I reminded James that his dad had told me to stay away until Wednesday afternoon. James responded, "Dad says he has enough clothes and stuff so he won't need to come back." After I told James I had already paid for my room, he responded, "But you don't have other clothes or your make-up and stuff." I told him I would be okay and would come home while he and Tessa were at school. In truth, I did not want to face my kids until I had myself under better control.

I asked where his dad was staying. As expected, James said he knew where Jay was, but he couldn't tell me. He said he or Tessa could call him to give him important messages from me, but "important" did NOT include what was going on between Jay and me. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in time to call my boss to tell her I would not be in. I got home about 10:00. I took a relaxing bath, then started thinking about what I would do when the kids got home.

I had pretty much finished my non-stop crying, but it was difficult to concentrate because I would invariably start crying again. I had never cried so much -- not even when my dad died. I was finally able to "sit up and take nourishment." (Strange how, as we age, we often begin to talk like our parents.)

*****/*****

JAY

Fortunately, I remembered to pack my sleeping pills or I would not have gotten much sleep Tuesday night. I was staying in an extended stay kind of motel, so I picked up some breakfast supplies and the ever-necessary case of cold beer. I splurged and bought myself a more expensive brand than I normally buy. The motel was across town from the house, but it was about the same work commute I was accustomed to.

I got up Wednesday morning and looked around. I was lonely and missed Tina and the kids. I made a decent breakfast and went to work. I thought I had done a good job of concealing my personal problems from people at work. I knew I probably needed to change some of that. I called my secretary into my office and gave her only the briefest story I had rehearsed. I told her, in essence, Tina and I were temporarily separated and I would NOT accept her calls. Gloria had met Tina a few times, but they certainly weren't any kind of friends. Gloria told me how sorry she was, to ask her if she could do anything, etc.

I also stuck my head in my boss's office and told him what was going on. In addition to telling me much the same things Gloria had said, her said he certainly understood if I needed time off to "take care of things." I thanked him and told him that shouldn't be necessary in the short term, but I might need some extra time later.

Work was something far short of spectacular. I decided I didn't want to hide out in my "suite" for the next week, so I headed for one of those national pub and grub chain restaurants. I had a pleasant, fattening meal. I had packed my running shoes, so I went to my room, donned my running/walking gear, and headed out for a leisurely walk. I continued to think about Tina, and what would happen to us and our kids. I still had not definitely decided on my course of action. I had to do that soon because I did not want to leave the decision to Tina. I assumed she would choose no more separation, no divorce, couples counseling, etc. One of my golfing buddies, who had gone through much the same thing with a cheating wife, told me his former wife needed the counseling. He did not so he refused to attend.

*****/*****

TINA

Amy brought the kids home, and I was surprised when she also came in the house. Tessa immediately started. "How could you, Mom?" I suggested any conversation would be awkward with Amy there. Tessa must have made herself the group's spokesperson and continued, "Hell, Mom, she's the one who discovered you were cheating. Then she convinced James. Hell, they even saw you coming out of the apartment building!" I cautioned Tessa about her language. She told me, "Tough shit!" Hell, she sounded like Ted screaming through his door at Jay.

The four of us sat down at the kitchen table and they grilled me. They obviously had no script because their questions were all over the map. Sometimes one question or answer would lead one of them to ask something he/she had not yet thought of. It seemed like most of my answers were of the "I don't know" variety.

We often came back to the essential question -- what was I going to do? After several attempts to answer that, I discovered my best answer was, "I want to get your father back and I want our family to be together and happy." I heard many variations of "how?" I gave them various answers. One or more of them told me most of my ideas were "lame." Finally, I asked them what THEY thought I should do. Tomorrow's news headline would be: "Hush falls in family kitchen; four injured."

I asked them to think about that and we would huddle after school on Thursday to discuss their ideas. They, of course had schedule conflicts. Accordingly, we settled on dinner, followed by discussion. I suggested, since I didn't have anything planned for Thursday, I would prepare something special.

The "party" broke up. The three had, at times, verbally beaten me up pretty good. On the bright side, however, no one called me names or blatantly threw details regarding my affair in my face. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the kids came up with the perfect solution? Can anyone pronounce "unlikely?"

Ted called Thursday morning and asked, "Are we still on for today, Babe?"

I hadn't even considered this possibility and said/yelled, "Of all the GD unmitigated temerity! You and I are done! If you see me on campus, just walk on by. If you need help in the library, get someone else to help you. Understand?!" Ted suggested he might need to send anonymous letters to my friends, family, and co-workers, detailing my cheating. I was quite proud of my unrehearsed response. "Listen, you little fuck ass. I can afford to hire a professional hit man. Therefore, I suggest you forget everything you ever knew about me. Got it?"

Was I going to have to quit my job to get away from him? There's an idea. A small item to put on my list of things I was willing to do to save my marriage.

*****/*****

JAY

Time marched on. I spent most of the weekend checking out rentals and townhouses and condos for sale. I had quite an extensive list. If I needed to move, a rental would likely make more sense. Was I going to move? Very possibly. Were we going to divorce? Maybe, but I wanted to talk with Tina before I committed to that.

I didn't want to get a pesky realtor involved, so that cut down my list to the units I could get into to view. I also drove by several of the other complexes to at least see what they looked like. After two rather busy days, I was convinced I could rent something with enough room and amenities to satisfy my "bachelor" needs, as well as having enough room for one or both of the kids to stay over.

I called Tina on Monday night. She literally knocked herself out telling me how sorry she was, she only loved me, etc. I cut her off and told her I wanted to come over some evening so we could talk about things. She wanted me to come over immediately, but I told her I was "busy." Let her stew on that! We settled on the next night, Tuesday, and, though she wanted me to come for dinner, I told her I would be over after dinner and I wanted the kids out of earshot. We settled on 7:30, and I told her her mission was to convince me to come home, permanently.

*****/*****

TINA

I was so excited! And nervous. In addition to imagining all the things Jay might do, I had spent plenty of time thinking about what I needed to do to get him back. I decided I would draft a list, sleep on it, and review it in the morning to see if I had omitted anything. Then I would organize the items logically so I could either give the list to Jay or I could read it to him.

God, how I loved that man! He completed me. He was my soul mate and I was supposed to be with him forever. I know, those statements do not comport with my actions since last October. Why had I given in to Ted? Why had I continued? Why hadn't I accurately assessed the chances of getting caught? Intelligently, I knew I would figure out how to go on without Jay, but, emotionally, I didn't want to face that prospect. I poured a glass of wine, sat at the kitchen table, and began my list of things to cover with Jay. I vowed to be thorough -- giving him the good and the bad.

I awoke and reread my list while I drank coffee. I thought my list was thorough, but I needed to rephrase a few things. And, of course, I needed to organize the list and make two copies. I'd let Jay decide if he wanted his copy as I read my copy to him. The alternative was to give him his copy as he was leaving.

*****/*****

JAY

I rang the doorbell. Tina opened the door and jumped into my arms. I held her as she said, "I've missed you so much! Please, don't hate me!" I released her and suggested we go inside for our discussion. We headed for the kitchen table. She had made a fresh pot of coffee, and asked me if I would prefer something different.

"No. Coffee will be fine. If I need water or something later, I can get it myself." She attempted to get into pleasantries while pouring the coffee, but I cut her off. "Tina, this is not a social call. I am here to let you try to convince me not to divorce you. I don't know if you think I have given you enough time, but I really don't want to drag this out. So, how do you want to go about this?"

"Jay, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of the terrible things I have done, and how much those things must hurt you. I've tried to put everything in writing. (At this point she'd walked over to a counter and picked up what turned out to be a two-page, typed letter.) I've written it like a letter -- from me to you. I would like to read it to you. I have a second copy you can take with you."

I suggested she give me the second copy now. She got up and retrieved the second copy. Handing it to me she said, "This will work, too. You can follow along while I read my copy to you."

"No, Tina, I'll just me read it to myself." She looked a bit miffed, but nodded. It did read like a letter. The more I read, the more I realized how much effort she had put into the task and how logically the letter flowed. She started by telling me she had listened to the recording and realized I pretty much knew how and when it started, how ashamed she was, how it wasn't about love, how she had never stopped loving me, etc. There was, of course, virtually every cliché I'd found in my research.

Then she made numerous promises about what she would/could do so I would forgive her enough to give her one more chance to save the best thing that ever happened to both of us. Predictably, she would/could become the most faithful and loving wife possible, quit her job and find another one that I approved of, perform all the sexual acts she had with Ted and do some research so the two of us could do things she and I had never done before, get counseling (But would prefer couples counseling.), etc.

She ended the letter by explaining the reasons she could not tell me WHY it happened. It just happened. I had not done anything wrong to cause her to go looking. She wasn't looking -- it just happened. She would spend every day of her life regretting she gave in to Ted's advances.

I was really glad she had written the letter. She had probably realized a discussion would not flow as logically and she might forget to cover some things.

"Tina, thank you for taking the time to prepare the letter. It covers most questions I might have asked, but it is too little, too late." She was starting to get the same look she had when she first saw us outside Ted's apartment building. I lifted and opened my small briefcase. "Tina, I cannot stay married to you. This is just too much for me to get past. Here are copies of my suggested property settlement..." I knew she wasn't listening to me so I stopped explaining the documents. There were

two. The first was a very, very fair property settlement. It was, according to my attorney, too fair to Tina. The other dealt with our shared custody of the kids. She would be able to understand the documents when she had herself under control.

I laid both documents on the table and said, "Tina, I have not let the kids, other relatives, friends, neighbors, or anyone else listen to the recording or the one my PI made on the Tuesday we confronted you. I believe these documents are very fair. I'm willing to trade some things, but you'd better not try to get more. Remember these last words, 'Don't fuck with me!' ".

I debated whether to wait for her to get herself under control or simply leave. I decided to leave. I put both documents on the table, and, as I walked toward the front door, I heard Tina calling after me. "Jay, don't you love me, even just a little bit?"

I turned to face her and replied, "Tina, I love you AND I hate you. I don't know how long it will take me, but I want to get myself to the point of feeling indifferent toward you. Then my love and hate will be completely gone. I'll never understand why you did this to us."

End.