Wife's Devotion

She unlocked eyes and encountered his questioning and not understanding sight.

"Martha, do you think that I… you…that I could betray you? Martha, you've got to be kidding…"

Again she tightened eyelids and held own the breath. The feeling of fault this time hit in her face with doubled strength. She got up from the sofa and approached to the window. She did not want to look in his eyes. Now, to the betrayal of her own she could add meanness of suspicion about the same of somebody, she did not deserve on the confidence of whom. Fighting with thoughts she bit to death lips. Cowardice before confessing the truth won again, though this time it had to defeat the additional pangs of conscience.

"So…" Her voice shook this time. "So, what did you mean?"

"Martha, darling." he behaved like the naughty child fearing to admit something, what would have to come to light soon. "I really fear that you will feel repugnance to me when you find out and…"

"Jack." She broke him sharply. "Or you could have a pity on me and say at last what is on your mind? I am having quite hard time, so save me at least this waiting."

"Are you having a hard time? I do not understand why, but yet anything not…"

"Jack!" The shout helped her somewhat to control the tremble of her voice.

"OK, let it be, let me tell this at last, and come what may then." She heard the deep sigh of her husband gathering air before the next sentence. "Just now… a time ago I saw such movie and I felt... something I do not understand and cannot cope with it."

Squinting eyes Martha looked on him. For the moment the shame caused by her own behavior and feeling of fault towards the husband gave way the curiosity. Not wanting to give him the pretext to delay explanation she was waiting for.

"This is so, that… that I can not get rid of certain obsession, which I do not understand too, and which does not let me sleep. I can not cope with it since I know that similar obsessions are happened and satisfied in certain way quite often."

He took an airs counting a little on some help from his wife. He never got it, Martha stood staring in him motionlessly.

"Just so… I mean that I can not cope with the obsession…" The renewed deep sigh. "of the view of you making love… with another man." He closed his eyes now and inclined the head.

"What?" Martha unlocked her eyes wide not understanding in the moment what does he talk about. "That what?" She expressed the last question with the lifted voice.

"Martha," Jack interrupted her hurriedly. "Martha, I knew that you would react so. Understand please… this has nothing to do with our love… you know that I love you and would not risk our love… this obsession is clean… sexual, chemistry only, just you know, I do not know why does this influence me in such way… just ok… let's do not talk about it any more," he got up and quickly went out from lounge disappearing in the bathroom.

Stunned Martha stood still for a moment not entirely understanding what she heard the moment ago. After a while, trying to gather her thoughts she shook the head and strolled there and back a few times. In her head the battle fought between the just experienced shock caused by recognition of her husband obsession and more and more deep feeling of the own fault. Her betrayal remained still not disclosed and still not forgiven. She sat down on the sofa eventually and waited for Jack return with hands on knees.

"Jack," she looked at him with light fear as soon as he stopped back in the door of the living room. "Could you explain me…"

"No problem Martha, I apologize you my dear," he said hurriedly breathing as quickly as after the long-term run. "I admitted my certain obsession, sexual fetish which sometimes is so strong that it is hard to live. It is not always possible to understand and explain it, it is stronger than me. But there is no matter, there was no topic." He looked away from amazed eyes of his wife and sat down by her fixing his eyes on the TV screen.

"Jack, but still… you are saying as if it really firmly tormented you, and I… well, well… after all it concerns me, I would prefer, in order to for me it…"

"Martha, darling, take pity," he broke imploringly. "It is for me humiliating to admit it and still to risk you will feel the disgust to me. Let's finish it, please."

She listened to his request. Long after this conversation they didn't come back to this topic. Jack tried to do his best so that she wouldn't feel any change in his behavior. However one could see his torment and the running battle in his own thoughts. Their sex life didn't return already to the period of the former magnificence, although Jack tried how he could. However it is impossible to deceive woman's soul. Martha wanting to help her husband rushed to the Internet in quest the reply to questions tormenting her concerning situation incomprehensible to her. She learnt a lot about sexual obsessions tormenting people and what losses a lack of understanding for them and incompetent, mindless condemning very problem are able to provoke. She already knew that no matter how for her his obsession would be shocking, if she loves him she should not leave the husband on her own. She could see how much it is important for him. She also realized, that – as he told her himself – this fetish doesn't mean the crisis of their mutual love at all, that it is certain imperative driving people to certain actions even if they don't understand it.

Through the following months after the memorable conversation Martha less and less could also cope with her own secret. She reproached herself, that she had behaved much less honestly not telling Jack about her betrayal than he openly admitting to so shocking fetish. She felt guilty, sense of the existence of the debt she should pay off for the husband not only for the lack of the faithfulness, but also for too unfair suspecting him of the same, tormented her very much.

Then it was she who a lot times tried to return to the problem bothering Jack. He answered her tritely asking each time for not continuing the topic, however with the naked eye it was apparently, that it wasn't giving him the peace. Month by month Martha more and more knew about his problem. She established even a steam of conversations on the chat contacting married couples burdened with the similar fetish and carrying them out for a lot of years. She was surprised, how many such pairs there are. After some time she started approaching this problem more calmly and not blaming Jack for it, which affected him too. However she couldn't imagine herself in the role, with the obsession of her husband appointed for her. From the other side she could not also get by with the place she appointed for herself in the marriage with betrayal of her own. It was more and more hard for her to justify the own cowardly act with only an anxiety about the reaction of the husband. Whether sincere confessing by him his obsession – at first glance disgusting and for her humiliating – completely wasn't a fairer than her lie? With such a prospect she wasn't able to hold a grudge against his perverted dreams. It was she who had sense of the debt, who didn't know how to pay back a debt. Perhaps a chance is just presenting itself? Maybe she, although a bit, would be able to hush pricks of conscience up for somebody whom this way she loves? Maybe however, would it be straighter to admit to the betrayal and to have all cards in one's hand? But whether it would certainly be more honestly to leave the husband with the problem, which is most clearly to name „illness"?

Long she was in two minds observing Jack and seeing that the time wasn't curing his torment. He started more and more spending time by the computer surfing the Internet in unknown places for her. It was alarming.

"Farther this way is it tiring you?" She asked at one time after putting daughter do bed and finding him in the living room with the book in the hand. His unseeing eyesight was fixed on the carpet.

"Yes," he answered quickly as if he waited for this question. He didn't raise his eyes.

She sat down by him and swept hair aside from the head. A few days earlier she decided with her heart in her mouth, that since it is so important for him – although completely incomprehensible to her - she will help him fulfill the strange fantasy. She decided to treat it as paying off the debt taken out by concealing the painful secret, of which she was dishonest owner.

"Am I supposed to believe you that it isn't correlating with weakening of your love for me? After all it isn't normal. On one hand you are saying that you love, on the other you want to see me in shoulders of another man."

"Believe me Martha, it has nothing to do with our love. It is purely mechanical, physiological obsession searching for roads to fulfilling itself. After all I admitted for you to these imaginations and dreams. They appear uninvited, I am not searching them in corners of my brain."

"Whether it is…" She lowered her eyes in direction of the carpet reminding her conversations on the Internet chat and explanations of such behaviors, always the same. "Whether it is… suppressed need for being humiliated by different man, or inversely, subconscious willingness of the male dominance connected with the hidden aspiration to proving his position as master by force? The submissiveness or brutal subordinating by different person?"

"I can see that you didn't waste your time since our first conversation. For instance by it you already deserve the appreciation," he plaited fingers of the hand expressing in this way growing tension. This silence could be given up exclusively by him. "As for me it is … it is definitely the second," he threw it away from himself hurriedly with distinct relief.

"Martha, darling," he continued after a bit seeing that she fell into a pensive mood on his reply. "I thank you that you became interested in it and tried to understand. I love you very much. You are wonderful, since I can so openly talk to you about it."

Martha indeed fell into a pensive mood. She knew that one of these two causes was most often a basis for such behaviors. She thought even at one time which of them would she prefer to listen as the source of his to obsession and she chose this one pointed by Jack. At least she wouldn't have to show her own initiative. However as she learnt from her Internet interviewed persons, a dominating firmness and an unpleasant vulgarity - if not brutality of the husband - will be a price she will pay for it during the possible show. For her it quarreled with the everyday Jack's goodness and mildness, but also this was explained her as the normal phenomenon. In this way – she reminded herself words of the kind internet pal – it reaches relaxing after the subconsciously hidden second nature of man. She became lost in her thoughts almost forgetting about the fact that he is sitting by him

"Martha," Jack reminded of his existing not having waited until her verbal reaction. "Can I tell you something and you will promise me that you won't suspect me of the falsehood and the perverted hypocrisy? It will be frank."

She only nodded her head waiting for his words.

"Martha, though I know that it will sound strange," his voice flickered lightly, but this time he raised eyesight and looked her in her eyes. She repaid him with her look. "But if you decided on it, for me it would be a sign of the greatest love the woman can give the man."

She tightened eyelids. Image of June forest and the starry sky stretching above her, when she was lying in grass brought up with rhythmical work of hips of the man, caught her again mercilessly like the cruel persecutor. The fault for which it is necessary to atone, love which needs to give the fulfillment, the beloved man who needed her in such an untypical way. Chance on the penance?

"Would it be somebody strange?" Her words sounded calmly and firmly, but in the tone of her voice it was hard not to notice the resignation.

Jack watched into her tightened eyelids carefully most clearly surprised.

"Whether it means, that…"

"I asked, whether it would be somebody strange," she interrupted him not opening her eyes. "I would prefer so that it is somebody strange. I would prefer as little as possible to know about it all up to the moment, in which it will happen or will be happening, because as far as I know it won't end quickly. I would also prefer so that no longer have we come back to the topic in the meantime, and you would deal with everything informing me of nothing," she shouted out what she had arranged in her thoughts through so much days.

This time a longer silence fell. She already had nothing to say, and he had to cool down from surprise caused by her declaration which he even didn't expect.

"Of course it will be as you want." Eventually he started to speak hardly understanding her standpoint. "Martha, so I have to still declare you one thing. Though at least an element of this game, or else this way it is probably necessary to name it, will be, as you know, my firmness or much more than the firmness I promise you that no physical harm will happen for you. I won't also require any form of your cooperation nor your pretended willingness. I ask you, darling, come up to it purely mechanically. I love you very much."

She opened her eyes and she met his tender look, gentle eyes of a good person she loved. Not the first and not the last he cannot manage with his second nature violently demanding revealing. She smiled and rested her hands on his hand. Jack tilted in her direction moving lips close to her ear.

"Thank you," he whispered and pressed firmly his mouth to her mouth in a passionate kiss.

They didn't go to the bedroom. The carpet in the living room accepted their hot bodies wreathed with amatory desire. Martha didn't remember for them to make love at any time equally passionately and violently. It was a next thing, which she didn't understand.

***

According to the contract, and practically to conditions which Martha set, they did not come back to the subject any more. However her agreement could mark one only - Jack passed from the period of unrealized desires to the phase of their realization. She could see this by his behavior. This manifested itself paradoxically… in the return to former, normal reality. He calmed down, became more normal, most clearly something stopped to tire him, what did not give him the quiet the previous months. The certainty of the fulfillment restored him the quiet, and organization all from the beginning to the end gave him the self-confidence compatible with the concealed so far masterful, predominant side of his character. He became more masculine happened for his wife unexpectedly. More and more often - not without the pleasure for her - he began to show firmness and intransigency in the most various life situations. He knew that according to her wishes he could not draw her in the details of preparations. He did this so skillfully that Martha had forgotten about the whole matter slowly getting used to the new role of her husband as not tolerating objections guide of their happy covey. He remained tender and good as long ago.

Together with six-year-old boy Martin and four-year-old girl Michele they happily spent their common hours. Merrily they entered the children's world, which thanks to children's smiles gave them refuge from everyday stresses. Their ten-year-old marriage taught them to avoid crisis in most dangerous moments of common life. They owe it to life experience, Martha was still 34-year-old woman and her husband was 39. So they were able to restrain emotions before they started to devastate their existence. Thanks to it both her infidelity, which rose the sense of guilty in her mind all the time, and his amazing fetish, which in turn he couldn't handle, caused nothing except another dose of mutual sacrifices and devotions. Devotions which their love required, no matter how amazing and strange forms were they to assume.

Before the summer came, Martha almost totally forgot that conversation and her – still binding – promise made to husband, which was to be peculiar penance for her infidelity. Because of loads of daily duties she has no time even to think about coming holidays. So she was delighted with message that Jack rented on June bungalow at Mediterranean Sea Coast. They were to spend there three gorgeous and hot months. He did not talk about it with her before – which still a year ago would be unthinkable - but she got used to this change of his attitude and even forgot the reason of such change. As unemployed hostess, with joy and excitement more proper to teenager girl than to her, she started preparations to journey many weeks earlier. For so long nowhere they were together on holidays. Jack's job in company, which he owned, does not allow him to take a leave for some years in a row. They had to limit their rest to short trips off the town, only sometimes finding a time for a few-day trips to family. Now, with earnest smile on her face, Martha was packing suitcases and counting days up to departure.

Stay in Italy day after day proved to be exactly what she awaited for. Blessed peace of tiny holiday resort situated at the beautiful beach, getting a suntan on warm sand, everyday walks along the coast, swimming in blue sea, playing with children and evening walks under starlit sky were giving her sense of happiness. Jack was tender and loving, he was taking care of them trying to provide them for all they needed. It did not matter to her that when she was lying on beach watching children plying in sea, he was roaming about for hours always returning to family on time to organize them time for the rest of the day. She was not interested in what he was doing for these hours, yet he never liked lying on beach under blazing sun. It did not come to her mind that it was related to that talk, which they had a few month ago and to assent she gave. After all it was her decision not to know anything about preparations. She fell back entirely and unconditionally on him and on what he was to prepare for her.

Friday evening after exactly two weeks after their arrival at the Italian coast did not differ anything from previous ones. As usual they came back from the walk to their bungalow and Martha got down to preparation of the supper for children. She did not change after the return putting aside taking the shower at the moment, when she puts children to sleep and finally they will find with Jack the time exclusively for themselves. She had on her the dress completely fitting to the end of the sweltering day - white shorts, white t-shirt and light underwear without the bra - thanks to what her body breathed with the relief in the air-conditioned house. She used to get intoxicated during these holidays with the fact that for whole days she did not have to put on herself nothing, than this kind of clothes. She did not plan this time to spend too many time in the kitchen promising to herself long evening with the lamp of red wine and low music. She will safely burrow into the husband warm body, when he will hug her with his hands as usual affectionately finishing another day of the summer. She planned now for children before their sleeping only light sandwiches and tea. When she was slicing bread she heard in lounge somebody's strange voice. She was surprised, because Jack did not tell her anything about that he invited somebody. However Jack was very sociable man and she knew that he made many new acquaintances here when she was spending time with children on the beach. He knew Italian language perfectly, because his firm for years dealt with the import of goods from Italy making on this the largest businesses. She did not know practically at all of this language in the turn, but responsibility of her husband compensated her lack during the stay on the Mediterranean coast. She decided to carry the supper to children's room, so when finished preparing sandwiches she put plates on the tray and went out with this all to the lounge heading towards the stairs.