A Broken Woman Can Still Heal

"You are terrible, Shae. They get the highest marks, as you well know since I seem to have a hard time not glancing at them," Greer said shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

"I don't normally like them to attract notice, but I don't mind if it's you," Shae said in a more serious tone. But she couldn't hold it when she added, "Actually I like it when it's you!"

As the waiter was approaching with their meals, Shae let Greer off the hook. The restaurant's reputation was well deserved and they both enjoyed their meal. Shae asked to try a little of Greer's angel hair with shrimp and then insisted on Greer feeding it to her on Greer's fork. That gave Shae another great excuse to lean forward. Greer couldn't help but laugh.

They had finished their dinner and were looking over the dessert menu when Shae looked across the restaurant. She stopped in the middle of what she was saying and just stared. Greer looked up and saw how pale Shae's face had become. She looked over but couldn't figure out what had disturbed Shae.

"Shae, what is it?" she asked as she reached over to touch Shae's arm.

Shae started when Greer touched her. She ripped her attention away from where she had been staring. She was trembling, strongly enough that Greer could see it as well as feel it where her fingers still touched Shae's arm. "Over there, against the wall, it's my sister and brother-in-law. I guess ex-sister and brother-in-law. She is Bob's sister. She never liked me, and after, well you can guess how she was after."

Looking over again, Greer only saw one younger couple. That must be them. They looked like the country bumpkins Greer would have guessed. But they were engaged in their own conversation and weren't paying any attention to the rest of the room. It wasn't likely to end up in a scene as far as Greer could tell. Glancing at Shae, Greer revised her impression. It wasn't likely to end up in a scene unless Shae came unglued. Greer slid her hand down Shae's arm and took her hand. Shae looked at her and linked her fingers tightly in Greer's.

"Thank you," Shae whispered.

"Of course, Shae. You know that I would do anything for you. This is easy," Greer's voice was very serious.

Greer looked around and found their waiter and motioned for him to come over. She smiled at him. "I think both of us have had too much of your wonderful food to eat any dessert. Why don't I just give you my card now?" Greer's voice was calm and conveyed none of the anxiety that was going through them. He took her card and promised to return in just a minute. She looked back at Shae. "Shae, Sweetie, we will be gone in just a few minutes. It will be okay. I'm here with you, alright?"

"You're my knight in shining armor, Greer. I'll be okay with you here," Shae said. She tightened her fingers just a little more.

Even when the waiter returned, Shae didn't let go. Thankfully she was holding Greer's left hand and Greer could still sign the credit card receipt.

"Shae, wait her for just a moment. Let me go get our coats. I'll be right back, but I think it will be better that way," Greer said. With as stunning as Shae looked, Greer was a little worried that if she walked to the coat rack she might draw the attention that so far hadn't come. Shae looked over at her and understood. She nodded and let go. She turned to look out the window while Greer was gone. When she got back, Greer carefully positioned herself so that she mostly blocked the view of Shae's former in-laws. As they left, she did the same thing on the way out.

When they were outside, Shae reached over and took Greer's hand and held it tight. Greer squeezed it in reassurance. They walked in silence to the car. Greer opened the door for Shae and held her hand as Shae stepped in. Greer had a much better view of Shae's legs getting in this time, but she didn't even notice. She was just looking at Shae's frozen face.

She hurried around the car and got in next to Shae. Greer offered her hand again and Shae immediately took it. Her breath was rapid and she closed her eyes.

"It's okay. We're gone. And Shae, no one is going to treat you like that again. You don't live in this backward hick area any more. You live across the country and no one, I mean no one, is ever going to be allowed to treat you like that again. Do you understand, Sweetie?' Greer's voice was like iron.

Shae nodded. She had both hands in Greer's one now. But her breath was starting to slow back to a normal pace. Finally she was calm enough to talk. "It was just a bad moment, Greer. I haven't had one in a while. Usually I don't even know what triggers them. Tonight was a little more obvious. Thank you for being with me." Shae brought their hands up to her mouth and kissed Greer hand.

"I'm glad I was here too, Shae," Greer smiled at her. "Do you want to go back to the hotel and crash? I understand if you do."

"No, I don't think I could sleep for a while. Did you have another idea?" Shae replied.

"I had a couple but the one that I think would be best would be to go to this club that I read about that plays jazz and swing music. It is supposed to be pretty mellow which might be nice right now." Greer hesitated and then said, "Plus I think it is probably the least likely place that they would go after their dinner." She didn't need to say who they were.

Shae smiled. She liked both kinds of music. Not surprisingly, she didn't have much interest in going to popular clubs. "That sounds great, Greer." Even though she was feeling better, she didn't release her grip on Greer's hand. And Greer didn't try to pull away; if it was making Shae feel better, it was fine.

When they got to the club, they found that there was not much of a wait to be seated. They packed in as many seats as they could, and the two of them were seated in a small booth that pressed them up against each other. Greer could feel Shae's body against her. It felt better than Greer wanted to admit, especially because Shae was somewhat leaning against her. They sat and listened to the music. The mood from earlier was gone. Neither one of them felt lighthearted enough to return to the playful banter. But while the mood felt more serious, neither was it depressed. Every once in a while, they would comment about a song they liked or how a particular musician played. To avoid disturbing anyone, usually it was a whisper into the other's ear. Slowly an intimate feeling grew.

Part of what Greer liked was watching couples get up to dance to the swing music. Some of them were clearly with the loves of their lives; the joy of being together shone through. Greer's head began to sway back and forth in time with the music.

When Shae spoke, it was with a very shy and tentative voice. "It's been a long time since I danced, and even that wasn't a great memory." Shae tried to push the thoughts of her wedding day out of her mind. "Would you dance with me, Greer?"

Greer looked at Shae. Her sky blue eyes were wide and she looked a little bit scared. She looked so vulnerable to Greer that she couldn't say no. Instead Greer nodded and the two of them walked out onto the dance floor. Greer was relieved to see that they weren't the only same sex couple on the dance floor. There were a couple of others, one male and one female. The last thing she wanted was to piss off some homophobe and cause a scene.

As Greer held her arms out away from her body, Shae moved into them. They began to dance together. It was clear from how well Shae danced that at some point in her life she had taken lessons. Greer appreciated how Shae's natural grace came to life. For her part, Greer was good but not great. A lifetime of experience rather than lessons was how she had learned.

When they started, Greer held Shae in a formal, almost rigid way. She kept her arms out so that Shae wasn't too close. As they danced, Shae looked like she wanted Greer to bring her closer, but Greer ignored it. Greer was still nervous, not wanting to take advantage of Shae when she was this vulnerable.

Finally Shae made the move herself. Sliding her arms up around Greer's neck, Shae stepped forward. In order to keep the dance going, Greer had to readjust her hands. They went to Shae's waist. As they continued to dance, Greer felt very uncomfortable. She no longer had the rhythm of the dance in her head, guiding her movements. She was too aware of the feeling of Shae being close. Shae's body felt soft and inviting. Like the other night, Shae's scent seemed everywhere. It was becoming hard for Greer to even remember why she was resisting.

If Shae felt uncomfortable, she didn't show it. As Greer lost the rhythm, Shae picked it up and helped guide their dance. Her legs brushed against Greer's as they moved around the room. Slowly she started to feel Greer's stiffness disappearing. As the song started to reach its end, Greer gave in and just enjoyed the dance. Shae willingly gave back the lead to Greer and just flowed with wherever Greer took them.

The song ended and Greer started to disengage but Shae kept her arms where they were. Her hands were hooked together and unwilling to let Greer go. Her eyes were raised and she gazed into Greer's. It was clear that she wanted to have another dance. After a moment's hesitation, Greer put her hands back around Shae. This time one hand was more on Shae's back and one a little lower, just where Shae's round ass began. As the music began again, it was softer and slower. They started to move to it but this time was different. Shae again moved closer and their bodies were moving against each other.

Greer didn't resist this time. When Shae put her head on Greer's shoulder, she cocked head so that it rested against Shae's. Their hips swayed back and forth together. For that dance, Greer ignored the rest of the world and her worries. She just enjoyed the moment. She felt Shae's fingers softly rubbing her neck and running through the hair at the nape. Greer felt a little shiver and pressed her own hands on Shae's back so that Shae was pulled closer against her. Their bodies felt molded to one another. It felt so right that when that song ended and the next began, neither one of them stopped. The pace of that dance was a little faster but it didn't matter to either of them. They continued to dance slowly against each other. They no longer moved around the floor but instead stayed close to one wall, away from others.

When the next song ended, the band announced that they were taking a break. Hearing the band leader speak seemed to wake Greer up. She looked back down at Shae and again remembered the promise to herself not to take advantage of Shae, no matter how much she might want to. Shae felt the dance end but she was still in the moment. She turned her face to Greer and looked up at her. Then Shae closed her eyes, she raised her pursed lips. The offered kiss was clear. Greer was torn for a moment. Shae was so desirable but Greer's conscience was too strong. With a long sad sigh, Greer moved back and turned away from the kiss.

The abrupt break of their connection made Shae open her eyes. As Greer moved away, her eyes grew hurt and confused. A feeling of rejection and being unworthy swept over her. Her breath started to quicken again. It was so hard for her to open up, and Greer didn't want her.

Greer kept ahold of Shae's hand and pulled on it to lead her back to their table. Shae followed without any energy. Once they were seated, Greer took a sip of water to collect her thoughts. "Thank you, Shae," Greer said as she faced Shae. "You don't know how hard it is for me not to kiss you, but it wouldn't be fair to you. I can't take advantage of you when you are so vulnerable. I care for you too much to do that to our friendship. It just isn't right. I know you think you want it right now, but I think that is just needing someone. I know I could be that someone, but you deserve better."

Shae's voice was very soft but at the same time there was a strong will in it. "What are you talking about Greer? There is no one better than you! I've known you for almost two years now. You've never treated me with anything but respect and caring. You don't know how rare that has been for me."

"That's what I'm talking about, Shae. You have had a difficult life and since your parents died, no one has really treated you like you deserve. So when I do that, it feels like more than it is for you. I can't use that feeling. It would be wrong. You're not even gay, Shae," Greer replied. How much she was conflicted was clear in her voice but Greer was strong willed and determined.

Reaching out, Shae took Greer's hand again. "How do you know, Greer? In all our time together, have we ever talked about my sexuality?" Shae laughed in a bitter little manner until she cut it off in almost a sob. "God, I haven't talked to anyone about it since my ... my Dad died." She raised her chin, and looked up to blink away an unshed tear. "I talked to him about it though; about how confused I was and uncertain. I was fifteen and I wasn't sure what I wanted or who I liked. And he listened and that helped me at least not to be afraid of what the answers were. And then he died. And I wasn't ready." She squeezed Greer's hand. "I wasn't ready for either of them to leave me alone but I also wasn't ready to have no one to talk to about it."

Greer could see the tears starting to come and her heart felt like it was breaking. She reached her arm around Shae and pulled her closer. "Come here, Sweetie," she said softly. Shae moved into the circle of Greer's arm and laid her head against Greer's shoulder. Their hands linked fingers.

"We never talked about how you figured things out, Greer. We've never talked about things like this. But while I am sure that you had difficulties, I'm not sure you could have gone through what I did. While I was still reeling from my parents and leaving everyone I knew, I was also trying to figure out who I was. And they brought me here." The bitterness in her voice was powerful.

"No one to talk to, except for bigoted small minded religious fanatics. If you had a problem, you were supposed to talk to our pastor. I could never talk to him about my feelings. And then if that wasn't clear enough, then there was Penny," Shae paused and looked at Greer. "She was another girl, a little older than me. And she at least was honest enough to be who she was. But they made her pay for it." She told Greer how Penny had been treated and attacked.

"What I learned was to hide any confusion and just suppress it. I didn't want to go through what Penny did. I already lost too much. I was so alone, Greer. I don't think my aunt wanted me to be alone, but I was too different. Eventually it was easier to be like them and at least not be alone." Shae's voice was broken by soft sobs as she spoke. Greer hugged her tight as she felt her own eyes start to fill with tears.

Shae turned so that she could look at Greer before she continued. "So Greer, don't tell me I'm not gay. I don't know. I never had a chance to work that out. But I know that I've always responded to women. When I was married, I went through the motions but it didn't feel like me."

"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I made an assumption without grounds. I should have known better." Greer's sincerity came through and Shae nodded.

"So you aren't seducing some confirmed straight woman. Greer, you aren't seducing me at all. I feel like I have been hitting you over the head. I mean, really how much harder could I have tried?" Shae said with a hint of a smile.

"Oh Shae Sweetie, you don't know how hard you have been making it for me. Okay, most of Thursday I confess to being clueless," Greer said and then laughed. "But once I figured out you were flirting with me, it was hard not to just succumb. But to start with, it isn't right. I may not be your boss but I'm senior to you at the firm. It's not right for me to ..."

Shae cut her off. "It's not right? According to what, Greer? I read the employee manual. I've read that particular section a number of times." Shae felt her cheeks blush and hoped that it wasn't noticeable in the dim light. Still she plunged on. "As long as I worked directly for you, it was against the rules. But I haven't worked for you for months now, and this is the first time we have worked together since I switched jobs. There is nothing against it. And I can count at least two other partners who had relationships with someone in the firm. So don't give me, that it isn't allowed.

"And I've waited, Greer. It didn't take me long to fall for you, but I knew you would never while I worked for you," Shae said in her quiet little voice. "So I didn't let you know. Even when you were going out with someone like Sharon, I accepted how things were. At least I had our friendship. It was something."

Greer felt stunned. She had never guessed that Shae felt that way. Shae had always been the perfect employee, never stepping beyond the accepted boundaries. Despite the revelation, Greer still didn't give up her resistance, though it was beginning to weaken. "Sweetie, that is so flattering. But how can it work between us? I'm more than twice your age. It just isn't right. You should be with someone who is your own age, not an old woman."

"Greer, you're not an old woman," Shae put her hand up to stop Greer from saying anything more. "I know you are older than me. But you are still the loveliest woman I know." Shae paused and moistened her lips. She was exposing herself more than she had ever done. "Do you know how special you are to me? For the last ten years, I haven't been able to let anyone get close to me. You are the only one. And a large part of it is how honorable you are. You have resisted these last two years, treated me as if I was just another person despite your attraction. You honored me too much to take advantage when if you had tried, you could have. You are an amazing special woman! But the more you showed your honorable side, the more I knew it was you." Shae caressed Greer's cheek softly as she spoke.

It was becoming harder for Greer to remember why she was resisting, but still she tried. "Oh Sweetie, thank you but think about it. I'm twenty-five years older than you. When you are my age, I'm going to be seventy-five. Then I will be an old woman and you will still be young and beautiful. What type of future is that?"

"Greer, I am still figuring things out. I'm not worrying about twenty-five years from now. That seems like a lifetime, which it is for me. I can't foresee what the future will bring but I know that I can be happy with you today, tomorrow and for the tomorrows that I can foresee," Shae leaned forward and brushed her lips against Greer's. Then she smiled a more mischievous smile than Greer had seen before. "And if after twenty-five wonderful years I was to lose you, I guess I would have to do what you've done and win the heart of a twenty-five year old!"

Even though Greer blushed to hear the last, she could not resist Shae anymore. "Alright Sweetie, we can live for today." She brushed her own lips against Shae's. "And tomorrow." She pressed her lips harder against Shae. "And the tomorrows that we can see." And then they shared their first real kiss. Shae's lips parted slightly and Greer's own lips caressed and overlapped them as both their eyes closed. Her hand reached behind Shae's head and gently held her there. It was soft and drew out for seconds, but they held back. Neither one wanted to really show their passion for each other in public. As they broke the kiss, their eyes opened and stared at each other.

Then Greer looked around a little nervously. Their display didn't seem to have been noticed. "Umm, I'll get the check," she said.

Shae giggled. "Yes, please do that!"

It didn't take long for Greer to attract the attention of their waitress and take care of their tab. As they left, Shae was once again holding Greer's hand but this time it felt completely different. For Greer especially when they got there, she felt like she was just comforting Shae from the unexpected encounter at the restaurant. Now there was a connection between the two of them that felt like electricity. Even the way they walked was different. Before there had been space; now Greer could feel Shae's body brushing up against her with each step. In the dim light of the club and with everyone's attention on the music, only the hostess noticed and she didn't care.