A Seething Cauldron

As was getting to be the usual case, Janet was holding me, and I was washing her top with my tears again.

"Rachel, honey, it's going to be better soon. It won't be easy, but it'll happen."

At last I pulled away from her. "I guess I better leave now. I've put you out enough."

"Is that what you want to do? Do you really want to leave, honey?"

Put like that, my indecision said outwardly that I didn't; my heart said the same thing, but I'd been enough trouble to her.

"You know that you don't have to leave, don't you? In fact, it would be better for you, I think, if you stayed. You haven't been any trouble to me at all. In fact, though what you've told me isn't the most wonderful of things, I'm glad you felt good enough about me to talk to me. I'd like for you to stay if you would."

I looked at her in disbelief, my eyes already telling her how grateful I was to her, and my head nodding.

"You'll stay?" she asked.

"Yes, if it's no bother."

"It's no bother, you're no bother, and I enjoy you being here, subject matter aside, that is, but it has to be dealt with, right?" she asked with her perennial smile.

Chapter 5

I couldn't believe it, but it was making my heart fill with that special joy again. We sat there wordlessly the while she held me fast to her, and I let her cradle me as my heart sang. I wanted to worry about the too swift swings in my feelings, my moods, but it was too good to stop and think.

Oddly, or maybe not so odd, we talked about the bible, but quietly and without any dramatics from me.

"I guess that's how it must be with a lot of church goers," she said. "A lot of believing and not a lot of knowing what the bible says."

"Why do you say that, excluding me, that is?"

"I think I tried reading the bible once, but right off, it was too much. It didn't make sense. Maybe I shouldn't have started with the Old Testament. I tried Genesis, but quickly went to Judges, left that in a hurry, and tried Isaiah, I think it was. That didn't make sense either. It might have been better if I'd read a gospel, but I never did believe it—too much that's hard to take seriously," she said.

"It was always said to be real, and I never questioned it, at least not for a long time. I think that it's just been recently that I've actually thought of it, but not a lot. I hated to think. This is the first time I've not only talked, but done some thinking, but there's a lot of confusion in my mind. It's sort of like I'm a child again, thinking wise, that is," I qualified it.

"It's understandable; you've gone through a lot, Rachel, and your sisters and brother too."

"It all still feels so strange, just talking, and wondering about the bible, and all I've been sensing and feeling yesterday and today."

We talked a little more, then had dinner—hamburgers, which I loved, then sat and let it go down. While it was still early in the evening, she had me take a shower, but alone. Still borrowing her clothes, clean panties included, I was ready for bed. I left the bedroom for her. Shortly she came out too.

"Ready for bed?" she asked. "Come on, honey, maybe we can talk some more until we wear ourselves out."

That was an invite that I hoped she would make—meaning us being in the same bed, that is. I slid in and then she did. I found myself longing to have my cheek on her breast, but satisfied myself with being close to her. She was rapidly becoming like a security blanket to me, one that I loved.

"Honey, I'm glad you came over. I mean it, but I think I'd better tell you something. I hate hiding anything, and now especially with you."

"What?" I asked, my head lifting quickly.

"I'm a lesbian," she got out in a huff that told me that she didn't really want to say it.

I thought about it; I had no idea. In fact, I'd never met a lesbian, or knew much about them.

"That means that you like girls, right?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes, like many of them, others I don't, but some I love, and that's what makes me a lesbian if you're not familiar," she said as if still sorrowful telling me about it. "I think too much about you not to tell you."

I thought she meant that she liked me too much to not be honest with me about it.

"I know that I must be one of those that you like or you wouldn't be telling me, huh?"

"Yeah, that's right. These days most churches preach against any who aren't straight, or heterosexual, that is, and I bet your church doesn't like them either."

"Uh-huh. They've preached against it, sometimes a lot."

"If it does make a difference to you, you can sleep in the other bedroom. I'm sorry, honey, but I had to be honest with you."

"Does that mean I can stay like this with you if I want to?"

"Yes, if you're not uncomfortable being here."

"D—does that mean that I can sle—sleep on you like I have?"

"Yes," she said, seemingly ready to be happy, or maybe relieved that I didn't seem to mind.

"Good. I know I wasn't able to sleep until you had me against you. I loved being like that," I said happily even though my mind was still processing the newness of this information.

"You can do that anytime you want to," she said somewhat nervously. "I've enjoyed you being at my breast and holding you."

It surprised me, my action that is, but I loved it. I moved close to her and no sooner had I started to move than her arm went about me taking my face into her breast. More, I snuggled into her and we both let out a sigh of contentment. I was happy.

"Janet, did you talk to me because you're a lesbian?" the question suddenly came to mind.

"No. Not at all, though I find you a very attractive woman. I'd like to think that most would talk to you as I have, if we can omit those of your church, or maybe other churches as the case may be."

"No one has ever told me that they think that I'm attractive. What I told you is the truth, they literally acted as if they were shunning us, me in particular since I stayed there. It's strange to me to hear you say that I'm attractive. Truly it is."

"They shouldn't have treated you like that, and in all honesty, you're more than simply attractive. I think most people see you as beautiful. Don't tell me that no one has ever tried to hit on you," she said, but wondering.

"Maybe they have, but I've always shied away from everyone; pretty much refused to talk to them."

"You make it sound as if you've run away from people," she said with a little disbelief.

"Actually, yes I have, or walked quickly away from them."

She hugged me more firmly to her, my face squashing into her breast. It felt good, sweet, that is. I really liked it, how she held me, and that quick hug made my heart leap.

"Maybe that'll change for you now."

"I don't want it to change," I blurted out. "I don't want to be with anyone else."

It shocked me how quickly I was worrying about someone other than Janet holding me. That, too, was strange and something very new to me. There was so much that was as if being thrown at me that I hadn't ever known or thought about before.

"Honey, what I meant was that you needn't run away, or walk away quickly if someone starts to try to talk to you. It doesn't mean that they all want to hold you. Well, some men might like that; maybe a lot of them," she laughed lightly.

"I guess I'll have to get used to that then, huh?" I said.

She laughed softly again. "Some, maybe. Ready to go to sleep now?"

"I guess," I said, once more snuggling closer to her, my top arm pulling her closer to me if that was possible.

"Good night, honey. Sleep peacefully," she said and kissed my head, something that was also new to me, and very much liked.

"Good night, Janet, and thank you," I said, nearly moving to kiss her breast. Though I stopped it before I even moved, I wanted to and wished that I had.

Chapter 6

Waking up, I was so happy feeling Janet's breast at my face. I know that I moaned quietly in my joy. Such a simple thing, but something that I hadn't even dreamed was possible. I remembered her telling me that she was a lesbian, but I knew that I didn't care; it just didn't bother me one whit.

"Are you wide awake?" she asked me.

"Uh-huh! Wish I wasn't, but I am."

"We can stay like this if you'd like, that is until your bladder starts screaming at you, or me," she added at the end.

Feeling free with her I nuzzled her breast and sighed my contentedness.

"That felt good," she said unabashedly.

"Yeah, to me too," I agreed, also unabashedly.

We stayed as we were save that Janet's one hand was busy in my hair, her arm into which I was cradled occasionally tugging me gently further into her breast. The sense of joy that kept coursing through my body, not to mention my mind, was so new and welcomed that I wished I could remain as we were forever. Thinking about that, I felt no qualms, no shame, just happiness that hadn't been mine since forever.

"Oh-oh, gotta go," she said and unscrambled from me.

As she left, my sense of comfort with her had me letting my gaze linger on her person as she walked away. For the first time I was noticing her. Though she had on a sleeping gown that covered her to her knees, it nearly hugged her body. My eyes were appreciating that body, its near slenderness, as well as her calves and ankles and feet. What I saw filled me with pleasure that I'd never known, an enjoyment that captivated me.

When she came out to wash her face and hands, my eyes again took leave to observe the rest of her as best I could. As she leaned over to wash, then rinse her face, I gulped as I noticed that breast that I had so recently come to love having my face rest on. She did indeed have what looked like fairly large breasts. When she raised up, I also noticed that they seemed to be pretty high on her chest. My breath was catching, shallow, and my eyes rapt on her. Quickly, lest she catch me ogling her, I turned away from looking at her.

Still, when she was coming back, I heard her voice.

"You ready to take your turn now, or do you want to stay as we were?" she invited with that sweetest of smiles that had been starting to enchant me so much.

How quickly things were changing for me; how fast my mind was awakening to all that I had previously refused to look at, to notice, to question. Then it struck me, for whatever reason, that I was glad that she was a lesbian. My heart beat quickened with delight, but I didn't know why it should.

Leaving the bed, I avoided looking at her. I felt my face flush, my breathing shallow.

"Are you okay?" she noticed.

"Uh-huh," I responded as I moved past her, glad to be away from her inquiring eyes.

Why I was reacting as I was troubled me. Taking my time, I finally had to get up and wash. As I did, I saw her with her top on, and bending to put her pants on. My breath caught in my throat—the sight of her panties covering her bottom arrested my eyes as I realized that she had a more than lovely form, a most sexual one. I nearly stumbled as I turned away lest she catch me gawking at her. When next I looked up, she was thankfully gone. No, I wasn't honestly glad that she was gone, I was just relieved to have a reprieve so I could get myself together, to think of what all was going through me, yet I still had to go and face her in the kitchen.

"Here you go," she said holding out my cup of coffee.

"Thank you," I said, continuing to avoid looking at her.

"Are you okay? You're acting a bit distressed," she asked quietly, looking intently at me.

"I was just thinking," I said, then followed it up with some other truth. "Until you asked if I'd like to have a cup of coffee to relax after work, I had been...well, so closed off to everyone and everything. Then I began to notice you, people, things, and to think a little, something I had refused to do for so many years.

"I'm not sure why, or how, but suddenly you made me feel as if I could talk, to tell of myself, to open up; slowly, yes, but surely. It's almost overwhelmed me. In talking, I sometimes acted as if I were a little girl, felt like a little girl, then I was the grown up me. That kept on happening within me—I was like a yo-yo, up, down, then up and down again over and over. It's been kind of dizzying."

"That's what you needed to do, I guess—doing the talking that you never allowed yourself to do before. I don't know why, but I'm glad I was able to help you get some of it out, but sorry that it's made you feel like you've been spinning about so much," she said. "How do you think you'll be after this?"

It meant that I had to go home and stare at myself again, but this time not in emptiness, but with thoughts that I wasn't used to in any way, or, in fact, not at all. My face fell.

"Maybe we can talk about it again today and tonight before we sleep. Oh, do you feel like staying here tonight and going to work with me in the morning?" she asked.

Again my heart leaped with joy. Another swing upward in my mood, but joy wasn't something I questioned.

"Do you think I can okay?"" I asked hoping she would say yes, fearful that she might rethink and say maybe I shouldn't stay.

"Why not? We can wash your clothes and let them dry afterward, or in the night. I can't see why you couldn't, unless you think it best not to. I don't mind; in fact, I'd like it if you stayed, I've so enjoyed your company."

I know my face lit up in happiness for she smiled and looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes.

"I guess that means that you like that idea, huh?" she teased me.

I could only nod my assent.

"Good. God, girl, I have so enjoyed you being here," she said tensely, as if a confession.

"Th—thank you. I'm glad you have, and I've enjoyed being here with you. It's all been so new, so different. So many ups and downs, but I feel like it's been so good for me. You've been good for me. I'm sorry I never spoke to you before," I said.

"Well, you did speak to me—like "Hello"—though almost too quietly," she kept on teasing me.

My face lit up in flames in my remembering and being embarrassed of the truth of it, still, I smiled.

"Yes, honey, you're opening up, and so beautifully, too," she said, a hand reaching out and gently caressing my cheek quickly.

That touch like the others made my heart palpitate wildly. The sensations that I was feeling added to that yo-yo effect, but as it was beginning to be with me, I didn't care, it felt so good to me.

We had breakfast, then coffee, after which it was time to talk, but about what was unknown. Janet seemed to know though.

"Your world has been spinning madly these last couple of days. What do you think about taking a walk to help our breakfast go down?"

"Okay," I said, thinking it might be a good thing.

"There's a park a couple of blocks away; you up to it?" she asked.

"Sure."

It was another new and different thing. Yes, I'd been on a mission to a different country, but I'd never just been for a walk, at least not that I could remember. We reached the park, a fairly large community one that had a path for walking or running. We walked. After a bit I noticed that I felt it to be exhilarating. I detected a small smile across my lips and enjoyed the exercise, no words needed. After a good walk, we stopped at a bench and sat.

"So how was it for you?" she asked.

"I loved it. Would you believe that I've never done something like this before? It's another new thing for me."

"Your yo-yo's up, huh?" she teased me.

"Yes, it's up. Sort of way up," I grinned.

"Hey, that's the first grin I've seen on your face. You are changing."

"I think that you're right, or at least I'm learning and doing new things. So many, many years of darkness and suddenly so much light. It's incredible," I said, looking up at the sky, my arms going out as if to embrace the day.

"You know, from what you've told me, I guess I'd have to say that it is rather incredible, but a nice incredible," she agreed.

"I just wish I had talked to you sooner," I lamented.

"I wish I had invited you sooner," she said, meaning that first cup of coffee we shared.

I thought of it all for a moment.

"You know, I don't think I'd have accepted before that; I just wasn't ready, I think. When you asked me if I wanted to go, it shocked me that I said yes. There was nothing in me that prepared me to go out with anyone. In fact, I had never thought of it. I always did what I could to keep from thinking, and I got pretty good at it. No, I think that for whatever reason, I was ready, at least with you. I don't think I'd have accepted from anyone else."

It was true. Perhaps it was Janet's continuing patience with my silence, my reticence, that finally made me intuit that I could be comfortable with her. Why that might have been was unknown to me, and I'd probably never know, but it was alright with me. I was enjoying being happy, something I hadn't been for ever so many years.

We walked some more and in silence, content to be in each other's company, but about the time we were nearly worn out, it was time to go back. We had enough energy to return in good fashion.

"That was nice, Rachel. I enjoyed it. Maybe we can do that again some time. What do you say?"

"That'd me nice; yes, very nice," I said still feeling euphoric. Maybe the exercise that I seldom did helped, those endorphins I had read about giving me a high—sending my yo-yo up very high. Then again, maybe it was just doing something new with Janet. Yes, I had to consider that. She had so instantly become so important to me. That she was a lesbian didn't matter—or maybe it would, I was becoming so drawn to her.

After we were back, I considered the weekend: there were so many times when I stunningly opened up, starting with that fateful cup of coffee that brought me a sense of comfort for the first time in a long, long time. Then there were the realizations that I allowed myself that took me down to depths that I had heretofore carefully avoided by refusing to think. All I can surmise is that we're not made to walk around with blank minds, though I did for many years.

But the happiness and peace that I had while walking stumped me until I thought that it must be my mind's way of gathering itself, of allowing itself to survey what had gone before it, and to find ways to cope, to adapt, and to make peace with oneself if possible. Luckily for me, it was possible though I knew that I wasn't out of the woods as yet. I would still have to face my time alone in my place, away from Janet's comforting presence in my life. In short, I would have to give up hiding, the intentional not thinking, and face what was there to be faced, to see what had been thrust on me by circumstances.

For the rest of the day and into the night, I had some wonderful time to spend with Janet, the beauty of her person, her warm and easy smile that was enchanting me, drawing me as I had never been drawn before. It was too soon, too quick, I knew, but I also knew that I was falling in love with her, but whether it would be reciprocated, I had no idea as yet. She liked me, that I knew, but though I knew little of love, I suspected that it was much different than just liking.

"Oh boy, let's see, I have some potato soup that's left over and needs to be eaten. Do you think you'd like to have it and a sandwich for dinner," she asked.

"Okay. I've never had it, but I like potatoes," I said, my smile becoming more regular. That new part of me I loved for it felt good to smile, so natural.

"A ham on rye sound good too?" she asked.

"Wonderful," I said, happy to be near her as I was.

After we ate and cleaned up, we relaxed for a while, spoke some about our walk, and listened to her music that played softly in the background of our conversation, and soon it was time to shower. We had accumulated some sweat, and along with it, some dust, I was sure.

"Put your clothes out and while you're in the shower, I'll put it all in the wash, okay?"