by jj26809
This is romance so there really should be conflict that pulls our happy couple apart, so they must overcome it to be together. I liked the story. The characters could really standout with more development of their feelings, desires. Maybe a prequel describing the tension or antagonist that fails to pull them apart, would help develop the characters and provide the conflict. Thanks for the read.
But as others have suggested, please get an editor/proofreader....
Still 5* for the feel-good vibes.... ;-)
This has been a simple story, but fun and enjoyable. You never know where you can find the love of your life ...
5 * for you.
I apologize for my English (yet and forever), isn't my native language.
It could have been better. To me it read as a simplistic yarn and certainly not very realistic.
cheesy, poorly written, thin characterizations, hard to read because of the mistakes and harder to believe it ever could have occurred.
The author's language is stilted and the interactions between people are really trite. The plot is old hat and the charcters too shallow. Perhaps if you tried reading the story as if it were somebody else's you might see its shortcomings. Good luck. 2*
The language mistakes really detract from a good story. I shake my head, trying to determine what you wanted to write. It slows down the enjoyment of reading.
Otherwise, you do write good stories - well thought out.
I am reading some of your other work.
I know it's featured in romance, it's a good story line, just needs editing and some more thought put into the sex scenes. Honestly, most people do come here to get off or to read somethig that gets them ready to get off and the sex is just like "they had sex and he dumped a load in her and watched it pour out" that doesn't make you feel anything passionate. Sex should be passionate, fucking should be almost animalistic.. It really is, it's primal reflexes.
Anyways good work and keep it up you've got a good beginning!
Also, I've been reading here for over a year and this is the first comment I've made so I see real potential here you just gotta keep working at it:)
-TheFairlyLocalWhovian
Not allowed to have a job. Not only do u not have time for it, u sign a commitment not to have ajob. If she was caught, she could have been thrown out.
all shooting for the top seed, TK U MLJ LV NV
It's compromised by wooden characters speaking stilted dialogue. I pictured marionettes speaking instead of real people.
but end up disappointed every time.
jj, your characters have some serious self-esteem issues.
And if you are going to put a story in a category, at least try to stick to the normal guidelines for that category.