Alice and I

"What's that supposed to mean?" Maybe my voice sounded a little annoyed.

Grain exchanged quick looks with Amelia and then said to me, "She was kind of asking after you lot in the few months before she came back."

"Like... a lot," Gabrielle added, taking a bite of her omelette. "I mean, come on, you know, right?"

I gave her a look.

Evidently it was a puzzled look from the way Gabrielle reacted in disbelief. "Arun, you do realise that Alice obviously likes you a lot?"

I felt distinctly uncomfortable and a bit of pain shot up through my mid back, which was strangely followed by the image of Alice comforting me by rubbing my back. Then the image of her when she was dropping me off the night before, with the low-cut top and the moonlight shining on the swells of her breasts. I tried my best to dismiss the image and half succeeded by focusing on the others and the way they were looking at me. I didn't quite want to admit that a part of me really wanted Gabrielle's words to be true.

The image surged back and this time, it was the smile on her face. That smile. So fucking warm and beautiful and just completely for me. There was no one else on the street then, no lights except for the lamp posts and the moon. Remembering it now, it was like seeing a moment frozen in time, but the air between us was infused with emotion. I sighed. That was my imagination adding things. All she was doing was dropping me off home.

"Why don't you just tell me what it is you want to say?" I asked finally. It was beginning to feel obvious that Gabrielle was trying to lead up to something.

She nodded and put her fork down. "Okay, fine. I get that you're a private person. I get that you've never really spoken to any of us about the accident and how you've been since. That's fine. I'll accept that. From what I've gathered, you've at least spoken about it a bit to your mother and sister--"

"You spoke to my mother and sis--?"

"Don't worry, Arun, they didn't tell me anything. Lyssa refused to even entertain the subject. That was enough for me to know. Look, my point is, you've spoken about it a bit. All I need to know is you haven't been keeping it to yourself all this time."

I didn't understand. I was about to ask what this had to do with Alice, when she spoke again.

"But I do think you need to talk to Alice about it."

"... Why?"

"Because it's different with her. Look... you split up with Joanna because you couldn't go that far and be that open with her, right?"

"... Yeah."

"And let's face it, Arun, she likes you and you like her. Are you going to admit that much at least?"

It was odd. Part of me felt I should have been a bit angry at these questions because normally they'd feel invasive. Maybe it was the fact Gabrielle was being so calm when she spoke to me that helped with go with them. Maybe it was also because it'd been years and my friends had given me all the space I wanted. Gabrielle had kind of earned the right to question me about the things I wouldn't let out.

"I'll admit I might have... certain feelings towards her," I answered quietly. "But you can't be sure she feels the same way. She's never said anything to me, ever. And I've never told her. And you can't either."

Gabrielle held both her hands up. I noticed that Grain and Amelia looked as though they were going to say something but Gabrielle beat them to it.

"We haven't said anything to her, Arun, we swear."

Amelia and Grain nodded to this.

"And she hasn't said anything to us, either," Amelia added.

"So, don't worry about that," Gabrielle said. She paused and looked as though she was trying to think of something. Then she shook her head and looked directly at me, almost with a subtle implicit challenge in her eyes. "We just want you to be happy. And I really think Alice is going to be part of that. And that means being honest, right?"

I shrugged. "I just... I can't talk to her about it." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. We're just friends, you know?"

"Except you're not, really, are you?" Gabrielle asked, tilting her head slightly to one side.

"What do you mean?" Amelia asked, looking at her curiously.

"Well, it's just... after the accident, when Arun came back to school after that year he was out, things were different with them. Everyone kind of noticed it."

"Yeah," Grain nodded. "Sort of like, everyone knew Alice and Arun were friends, even if... it's hard to explain actually," Grain said after going quiet for a couple of seconds.

"This sounds intriguing," Amelia raised an eyebrow at him. "Wait. A whole year? Wasn't anyone suspicious about you having been gone for a whole year? How bad your back must've been?" She asked me.

I shook my head while Grain said, "We assumed that year had fixed him completely."

"Anyway, they're making it sound more mysterious than it really is," I said, rolling my eyes at them both. "What they mean is, Alice tried to be a friend but I was a standoffish quiet dick and it didn't come across very well. But she didn't seem to care."

Amelia laughed but Gabrielle shook her head readily. "Ignore him, he's lying. He was fine. Just really quiet. And that's what Grain means. Everyone who knew either of them noticed that for a while Alice spoke more to him, so naturally it meant a lot of her friends did too."

"Especially since he saved her from getting hit," Grain added.

"So, after a while, Alice could see it bothered him and told them to back off," Gabrielle said. "But then she backed off too."

"... That was my fault really," I added.

"You had a lot to deal with and process," Gabrielle told me. "We just didn't understand that at the time."

I wondered how much else Gabrielle had noticed about me, but for some reason it wasn't a question I really wanted to ask.

"There were four of us," Grain said. "Lawrence and Matt as well. Other than me and Arun, I mean."

"Don't forget Rowan," Gabrielle said.

Grain nodded, with a hint of that foggy eyed look which said he was reminiscing. "That's right... Rowan. Whenever he got tired of being around Greg and the others, he'd come and hang around with us."

"So, you were all what? Introverted?" Amelia asked.

"More or less," Grain said.

"Not much has changed, I see."

Grain answered that with a grin and a shrug.

"They were my only friends really," I added, starting to think about it with some more depth. It wasn't hard to end up going down memory lane with Grain and Gabrielle. Sometimes I still look back on those years and wonder if I really experienced them. It's strange how some things stick out more than others. At the time, I felt like it was disorienting because it wasn't always easy to link up the memories together. Eventually though, I realised they were memories that just meant something to me just because of how I felt at the time.

I started thinking about how Alice had been towards me. There was a weird new angle to it all that I'd never really seen before and I'm not sure why it was there. I remember for a while she just spoke more to me. Then she backed off. I realised it wasn't fair on her. I should have maybe been a bit more honest about how I was feeling. But how could I when I wasn't even sure half the time?

Still... maybe I could have told Alice. She was attentive in a way that no one else I knew had ever been, or has been since. I don't know.

"Technically," I said quietly, the thought arriving to me suddenly, "I only really hung around with you and Lawrence and Matt in the last year, didn't I?"

Grain nodded. "True."

"Before that, I sort of just hovered around different groups, but didn't really fix myself to any. Then the accident happened and..." And Alice was there.

Alice was there. All those years of not being fixed to a group. All those years of drifting and never really feeling fully comfortable with any one group of people.

Then Alice was there.

Alice was my first friend.

Was it stupid to realise that now? I mean, was this even the kind of realisation that made sense? How could I not understand something so... so important?

After the injury, the amount of effort she made and how strange it made me feel sort of clouded that fact. She was there. Whichever way I looked at it, I could have asked her for anything, said anything, told her anything and she would've sat and listened and done whatever she could in her power to help me. Instead, I pushed her away.

So, she found other ways of communicating with me, especially after she left. How odd that this would not have occurred to me before. Maybe my memory about that time was worse than I thought.

This was a strange bunch of thoughts to process and I went quiet for a long time, staring at my food and thinking about all of this. There was a low ache in my mid back, on the left and for some reason it made me think of Alice's text again. I started wondering if it was a good idea to meet her later if I was beginning to feel like this.

"It's funny, but at the time, we thought of Alice at completely the other end of the scale to us boys. She knew everyone, did lots of different stuff. And everyone kind of knew who she was," Grain said, maybe just to fill the silence.

"But she wasn't stuck up about it like some girls I can think of," Gabrielle said with one eyebrow raised, her face looking dismissive.

"Oh?" I couldn't tell from Amelia's tone whether she wanted to hear more or not.

"So... that's why it was kind of weird, I guess. We all knew that they were nothing alike but that they were friends. They just didn't really... hang out much," Grain said.

"It's like we knew they were just special," Gabrielle said in a teasing voice, looking directly at me.

I rolled my eyes at her.

"Well, isn't that true?" She asked me.

She was special, I thought to myself. Alice was special because she was my first friend. And I should have recognised that somehow; told her how much I appreciated her. On top of that, I really couldn't deny that I found her extremely attractive. But she had never given any hint of how she felt about me, not to mention she had said something about some mysterious person who had caught her attention.

"I don't know why I just couldn't talk about it," I said quietly. Maybe I was hoping they'd understand enough to leave this alone now.

"We can stop talking about it, if you want," Gabrielle said seriously. I was glad she'd got the hint. "But can you see why I wanted to talk to you about it?"

"Yeah."

"I know you're scared. She was there, though, Arun. She experienced it with you. And... you know, if anything does happen with you two, I don't want you to go through the same shit that happened with Joanna. And I know you wouldn't want that either."

"No."

"She said something to me once," Gabrielle added with a nervous tone in her voice.

"What?"

"I don't know if this is okay for me to say but, you know what, I think you need to understand why I think she likes you. She was drunk one night when I went to visit her in France that time, do you remember? During the summer?"

"I remember you going, yeah."

"She'd had about eight shots and an hour later she was sitting on this bench outside with me just staring at the stars. And I think she forgot I was there or something, because she said; 'I really want to know what Arun would think of this sky.' And then she just started talking about you for ages."

I don't know why that produced such a violent reaction within me. I felt hot all of a sudden and my heart was working harder. I looked down at my food and thought about Gabrielle's words. I didn't know if I wanted to ask whether she had asked Alice more about her thoughts of me.

"And even before she came back this time, she said to me on the phone a couple of times that she was worried you'd be as distant with her as you were when we were all back at school."

I looked at Gabrielle in surprise. "She said that?"

"... She missed you. I don't think it'd be a stretch to say she thinks about you a lot."

I didn't know what to say to that.

It was a short while before they started eating again properly and Gabrielle said to me, "Anyway, we'll shut up about it. I've said what I wanted to. I just needed to say it, okay?"

"Yeah. It's fine."

"And Arun? Any time you ever want to talk to any of us... okay?"

I looked at each of them in turn and nodded. They started talking about something else but I remember being struck with the idea yet again that I had a group of friends here that knew me well. For the first time, I found the idea of talking to them about how I was feeling much easier to handle. Maybe even telling them about how badly the injury had got to me.

Mostly I was thinking about Alice.

We ate and sat for another couple of hours or so, just talking about anything but the earlier topic. I tried to take part in the conversation but found myself wanting to leave sooner than I expected. I think a part of me resented the fact they brought up what they did, but another part felt this strong relief that it was at least out in the open with them. I was lost in my thoughts too. I could not stop thinking about Alice. Every now and then I'd look at my phone as it sat there on the desk, aware that it was approaching 4 in the afternoon and Alice would probably expect to hear from me by then.

I decided I could not face her feeling like this. I sent her a message back apologising and telling her I was too tired to meet. Again, her reply was immediate.

It's okay. Just let me know when you're free at any point soon. Would love to see you again. Take care. xx.

... ... ... ... ...

It was about a week before I saw her again. She'd text a few times but I always found a reason not to see her. I was still feeling too weird about it and every time I did think about seeing her, a little voice in my head would remind me that I would need to speak to her eventually about my body. Once we did meet after that week, however, I mentioned nothing.

This became habit. At least two or three times a week, I would meet up with Alice and simply hang out. We'd go walking or for a meal somewhere. She'd invite me round to her parents' house, where she was living temporarily and we would watch films. Sometimes all we did was go for an ice cream.

I learned more about Alice during those months. I learned that while she had been modelling, she'd also modelled for websites that specialised in models with ample curves. She had saved up every bit of money she could and lived a relatively frugal existence because she simply did not want to spend. She had made some expensive purchases, like the car, though she told me it was actually second-hand and she didn't pay as much for it as I expected. I learned the way her body moved, her moods, her expressions, the tones of her voice, even. It was sort of strange and yet familiar; in some ways, I felt like I was getting to know someone new but in other ways all I was really doing was re-acquainting myself with an old friend.

Alice was open with me, more than I expected sometimes. The truth was, the longer I spent with her, the more I was aware that maybe I hadn't ever seen her as a friend since we were around nineteen years old. Somewhere in those few weeks I realised I was slowly falling in love with her and it made things harder because I still had this mental block about telling her about the injuries.

Occasionally I'd feel the pain shooting here or there and grimace or just wince or something little and I thought maybe she had noticed but since she said nothing, neither did I. It was driving me a little crazy.

Eventually, I found myself visiting my mother and sister and telling them about this.

"So, wait, who is this girl again?" Lyssa asked me that one afternoon I was sitting in the living room and watching cartoons with her.

"Alice. I told you about her."

"The one you've been hanging out with."

"Yes..."

"Keep going," My mother said. She was at the other end of the room, in the kitchen making an omelette for us both. The living room merged straight into the dining room and kitchen ever since my mother had paid to have the separating wall taken out.

"I want to tell her and I can't. I don't understand it."

"You want her?" Lyssa asked.

"Want her?"

"Like, you want to be with her? Is that why you want to tell her? Usually you don't say anything to anyone."

"I... Well, yeah. I really like her. Maybe even more than just that."

"What do you mean?" My mother asked.

"... I think I'm in love with her."

Lyssa looked at me, wide eyed. Even my mother walked around the counter separating the dining room and kitchen and stared at me.

"You're in love?" My mother asked.

"I've never even heard of this girl," Lyssa said.

"You have."

"Oh?"

"Alice. Alice, as in, the one who almost got hit by the car."

Both of their jaws dropped. It was comical.

"That Alice?!" My mother cried out.

"Yes."

"Arun! You could've said!" My mother admonished me.

"Wow, Arun!" Lyssa exclaimed. "Well... shit. I don't know. I always figured you had some kind of post-traumatic stress thing going on. I mean, you broke down, remember?"

"But surely I should find it easy to tell her?"

"Why? Because she's that girl? I would've thought it'd make it harder. She's not a stranger. And let's face it, you always were private, even when we were kids. It doesn't surprise me that you don't feel like you ever want to tell anyone anything."

"I don't know how it works for other people," My mother said, "But I don't think you should be feeling like there's a set way of handling this. You'll tell her when the time is right. You know, it's possible that because you've left it this long, it's made it harder over the years to even go near the subject."

"I guess that makes sense..." I said this more to myself than them.

"Maybe you should see someone about it?" My mother suggested. "A therapist or someone."

"Maybe."

She rolled her eyes and sighed and shrugged in that way only a mother can.

The conversation didn't really get anywhere after that and I went back to brooding about what to do.

Sometimes, though, life has a way of doing things for you.

About two and a half months after Alice had returned, at which point we were now obviously the closest of friends and saw each other once a week regardless of whatever else was going on, things changed drastically.

It was a day on which Alice had decided we were going to go to an art gallery and then have dinner afterwards. For all intents and purposes, it sounded like a bit of a date to me, but then again, I suppose a lot of what we did seemed like dating. Of course, there wasn't anything like kissing or any kinds of displays of affection other than she would hug me; she'd figured out ages ago that I wasn't quite open to prolonged physical contact even though I had said nothing about it.

The gallery was great. It'd been a while since I'd been to one so I was glad about that part of the outing. Alice, as she always had been, was enthusiastic about really taking in the paintings, occasionally offering some criticism or strongly worded opinion. Sometimes she'd look at a painting, pull a face and simply swear. I found that funny.

"Modern art, huh? I long for the days when people just painted grandiose shit about religion and made it look bad-ass," Alice commented on one particular painting, which seemed to be nothing more than several lines and blocks of various colours. "I'd even settle for a version of The Last Supper with DC superheroes."

"I think they do have some kind of process involved when they come up with this stuff."

Alice shrugged. "What's that? Making sure they've got at least seven different colours and a paintbrush that'll keep their lines straight?"