Alice and I

"I'll admit it's not the most awe-inspiring piece of work I've ever seen."

"Why are you being so diplomatic about this? Arun, look at it. Just look at it. I could've done that. And the last time I drew anything, it was a dog that ended up looking like a muskrat."

That made me grin. "Yeah, but maybe that's the point. You didn't do it."

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well, fine. When we get home, I'm going to do the best drawing of my life and go over it in garish colours and then hire a marketing team to tell everyone I'm some sort of fucking genius."

"Well, I did hear that garish is in these days."

"It is because I say it is. So, admit it, Arun. What we're seeing in front of us right now is bullshit."

"It's bullshit. Probably worse than your muskrat-dog."

Alice rolled her eyes. "I don't know about that. Maybe on par."

"Must've been a horrible muskrat-dog."

"You have no idea. It looked like it hit every branch of the evolutionary tree on its way down to Earth."

We spent another couple of hours there and then ended up in a cafe near Kensal Rise station with a pretty nice atmosphere. Alice told me she'd been here several times with family friends while she was growing up. The staff seemed to know her and were pretty prompt with everything.

I slipped up there. There was a moment where I felt a deep bolt of pain pass through my mid back and I couldn't stop myself from wincing.

"Arun? You okay?" Alice had seen it immediately. Concern was all over her face.

Really, I could've just told her there and then. It surprised me even now she hadn't ever mentioned anything or noticed anything. Sometimes I doubted this could be right; maybe she simply left it alone because of how private I was about things.

I could've told her then, but I didn't. I couldn't understand what I was so afraid of but I also couldn't dismiss the fact that maybe it was nothing at all. Maybe my mother was right. Maybe it had just become a huge force of habit where any time I thought about it, the block was only there because the wiring in my brain enforced it.

"I'm fine," I told her. "Just a bit tired."

"Oh. Okay. Well, we can get going soon, if you want? I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out at yours but... if you're not up to it, then maybe not?"

Maybe it was the fact we were at a cafe and it reminded me of that lunch I had with Gabrielle, Grain and Amelia, but I wanted to change the subject and the first thing that came to mind was; "Can I ask you something about when we were at school?"

Alice actually slowed down at this and looked at me. The expression on her face was something I suddenly had trouble reading. It did not look overly happy, but it wasn't really negative either. She nodded.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No. You just... I don't know. You don't ever talk about those days. I guess it was weird. Came out of nowhere."

"Oh."

"What did you want to ask?"

At this point I realised I didn't really know what it was I wanted to ask. I just wanted to change the subject. Thoughts came to mind, however. About apologising for the way I'd been. Asking whether I was right about her trying to be my friend. Asking whether I'd really been that difficult.

I ended up shaking my head. "Nothing, actually. It doesn't matter."

She frowned. "Arun? You sure?"

I felt nervous from all the thoughts and this pause in conversation that I'd stupidly triggered. My back felt tense and I couldn't help but wince once more.

"Arun, you look like you're in pain."

"Just tired."

"Do you want me to take you home?" She asked. She didn't bother waiting for an answer. "I'll take you home. Okay?"

"I... Yeah. Okay."

She didn't ask any more questions as we paid and walked to the car. Standing up gave me a chance to stretch my back a little. By the time we got to the car, I'd noticed she was still glancing at me with a concerned look. I wasn't enjoying the level of attention and started wondering if it was a good idea to just cut the evening short.

We had normal conversation in the car, but I kept thinking about what must have been going through her mind, especially when she brought up my mention of our school.

"You must have had a reason for bringing it up, Arun."

I figured maybe going with this topic would keep my mind off the pain in my back. "I was just thinking about a conversation I had around the time we went to that party at Gabrielle's."

"Oh? What was it about?"

"It was the next day and I was having lunch with Grain and Amelia and Gabrielle. We got to talking about being at school at one point. It made me realise a few things, I guess."

"Like?"

"Like, I was kind of an arsehole towards you back then."

I managed to look at her when I said this. She kept her eyes on the road because we were approaching a small roundabout but she frowned deeply. "According to who?"

"Well... me. I mean, I kind of was, wasn't I?"

She shook her head. "I never thought so. What would make you think that?"

"I don't know. I just know I never really..." What was I trying to say? Maybe my mother was right; seeing a therapist would be a good idea. If anything, it might have helped me organised my thoughts.

"You were going through a lot," Alice said calmly; but it was an odd kind of calm. Like it was a practised calm.

"That's not really an excuse," I murmured, wondering if I should point out how odd her tone of voice sounded to me.

Alice shrugged. "It was a different time back then. Lots of stuff going on, lots of things to deal with, right? And you were always quiet, Arun. I knew that even then."

"Well... I'm sorry if I ever made you feel... I don't know. If I ever did anything upsetting to you."

This time she looked at me, almost expressionless. I couldn't understand the hint of the look in her eyes but before I could really study it, she was looking at the road again.

We got back to my place relatively quick since there wasn't much traffic around and as she parked up, I prepared myself for leaving the car.

"Can I come in for a bit, Arun?" That odd tone of voice again, but different this time. Like there was another layer to it; something like worry perhaps.

"... Sure."

We ended up in the living room, sitting down on the sofa. She was watching me. I was sure of it now. Part of me was paranoid that Gabrielle had said something to her. I tried to act nonchalant and look around and stretch a little. Alice gave no real indication she was noticing anything except her eyes would rarely leave me and eventually I found it too much to handle. I felt a large shot of pain move across my mid back and it not only made me wince, but made me grunt a little. I got up as quickly as I could.

"Arun?"

"Just give me a minute... I need the bathroom. Be back in a few."

"... Okay."

In front of my bathroom mirror, I stopped and stood for a few moments, unable to quite tear myself away from looking at my face. The pain was showing on it. Alice was probably wondering why I'd left so quickly. I thought my expression was calm but obviously not.

I took my T-shirt off and turned my body to look at the scars. The pain was mostly in the middle and to the left this time. I stretched for a few moments. It helped a little, but not enough.

I thought maybe it'd be best to put on something warmer and find an excuse for Alice to leave so I could lie down. Or maybe this was the right time to just be open with her about everything that had happened to me since the injury. Right now, though, it was more a case of pulsing pain and I'm not sure I could've handled an emotionally heavy conversation. I decided there and then that I would talk to her tomorrow about it and I'd tell her how I felt about her and everything.

This is where things went wrong.

Alice moves very quietly. Always has done. For a moment, I was reminded of the party at Gabrielle's place where I'd seen her again for the first time in five years. The way she had ended up behind me without me seeing her. The door to the bathroom opened slowly, a few inches and I grabbed the T-shirt to put it back on but because I moved so fast, pain shot down the side and across the lower back. It made me freeze and stop breathing. Then I took a deep breath, trying to relax.

I swore. I don't know why I'd forgotten to lock the door.

I swore again when I heard her voice from the door to my right, saying, "Arun?"

My T-shirt was in my left hand, which meant she could see most of my back. I didn't want to look at her so I kept my eyes on my reflection. I could already see the worry beginning to show on my face, as well as the anger at myself.

More footsteps. She walked in closer but stopped a couple of feet away. I could feel the Dread everywhere, creeping up my body, tensing my muscles, making my legs feel like they were ready to run miles. Not to mention it was just fucking with my mood in general.

"Sorry," I said, but I didn't know what for and I started putting the T-shirt on.

Alice ignored my apology. She walked right up next to me and I felt her hand settle on my T-shirt, stopping it from moving any further. I looked at her. She was staring at my back with tears in her eyes.

"Arun-- Your back..."

"Yeah."

She was standing just behind me to the side and I saw her other arm rise, moving closer to touch the scars. I don't think she was even aware she was doing it. I moved away instinctively. I hadn't had anyone touch them for a long time and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Arun," She said.

I just wanted her to leave now. But I couldn't say the words.

She didn't raise her arm again but she stood there for several seconds, just looking at my back, taking in the detail of each scar maybe. I no longer felt like I wanted to cover them. That felt so strange. There was almost a sense of relief in letting her see them, but behind it all my mind was whirling and I was beginning to realise things would change after this. She'd maybe never want to be around me again. Or she'd treat me too differently and I wouldn't be able to handle it. Or something else I couldn't even imagine. I just couldn't see it'd be anything good.

A part of me wished I could turn the clock back and make sure she had never come in. But I was standing there; not much I could do except go with it and just face up to revealing myself to her.

A tear finally made its way down her left cheek and she looked at me in the eye.

"Arun? Is this from... the accident?"

I nodded. She began to cry.

I felt alarmed. Her crying was the last thing I had expected. "Alice... It's okay."

"How can you say it's okay?"

I hated seeing that expression on her face. Her hand was covering her mouth and her breathing was slightly more audible. She sounded like she was trying to keep it under control, but she was slowly losing it instead.

"It was a long time ago," I said stupidly.

"But... you're hurt. Fuck. You still hurt! I thought you were okay! You're still hurting!"

I turned to face her. I wasn't sure how to deal with this and it seemed to me the easiest thing right now was to be alone. Since I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't have much tact when I said, "Maybe you should go."

She looked hurt suddenly. "Why?"

"You weren't... supposed to see anything. I'm not sure how to handle it."

"Arun, neither do I. But... please, don't ask me to leave."

I didn't know what to say to that.

She wiped her eyes and looked at my scars again. "Fuck. This is all my fault."

"No, it isn't."

"Arun, if it wasn't for me, this never would've happened to you."

I couldn't stop the grimace as some pain shot down my left side again.

"Arun? Are you okay? Is it hurting? Do you want to sit down?"

"Maybe that'd be an idea."

She immediately made to put her arms on me but I shook my head and left them hovering in front of her as I walked past. I walked back to the living room and sat down slowly, right next to the arm rest. She sat down next to me on the sofa, keeping a small distance between us, but not so big that she couldn't cross it with a simple reach of her arm. She wasn't really crying now, but her eyes were wet and red and the expression on her face hurt to see.

There was a long silence. I still had the T-shirt in my left hand and I started to put it on but she shifted position slightly.

"Can you leave it off?" She asked.

I frowned. "Why?"

"Because I need to be able to see it, Arun. I need to be able to see you.; all of you."

Something about her request made sense and I put the T-shirt on my lap. Another long silence.

Then she whispered, "Why didn't you tell me, Arun?"

"... I don't really know."

"But there must be some reason? Anything?"

"A few different thoughts maybe."

"Like?"

"I just... I don't know. At first it was because you felt guilty all the time. I could see it in your eyes every time you came to visit me. I kept thinking maybe you were just being friendly because you felt so guilty and I didn't want to add to that. I wanted to see how things changed. And then, one day, I realised I couldn't be around anyone. Found it too hard. And then after that... talking about it, showing it, just seemed impossible. I really don't know. It just became this huge thing. I just had this... block."

"Arun... I'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine what it's been like for you. I mean, I did feel guilty but I always thought I'd hidden that. I just... what you did. I'm just sorry you've had to go through that."

"I have my good days and my bad days. It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is."

I shook my head. "Alice, I'm not going to let you blame yourself. Whatever happened that day, I made the choice. I'm living with the consequences. There's not much else to it."

"But, Arun, if I hadn't been standing there--"

"The guy shouldn't have been driving the way he was. It's not your fault."

She closed her eyes for a moment and blinked out some tears, before opening them and turning to sit facing me directly, bringing one of her legs up onto the sofa.

"Why did you do it, Arun?"

"Why did I do what?"

"Run in like that. Push me out of the way."

I was surprised to hear this question. "You were in danger."

She sighed. "... We didn't even know each other that well. And you just... I mean. I guess I've always wondered. All these years."

I was thoroughly confused at what she said. The answer was simple. She was going to be hurt and I didn't want to see it happen, so I did something about it. The more I thought about it, more it seemed like a simple choice to make at the time, but it seemed she thought there was something more to it.

I didn't know if she was right or not. Of course, I had feelings for her now. But, back then? Never at thirteen. At least I didn't think so, but that was neither here or there. Her one question had triggered a mass of confused feelings. She was still waiting for me to say something.

"I didn't want to see you hurt, Alice," I told her simply. "To be honest, I don't think I was really even thinking at the time. I saw you and I saw the car. I saw what was going to happen. So, I stopped it from happening to you."

She looked at me for a long time. Nervously, tentatively, she moved closer until she was right next to me, her knees almost touching my thighs. Slowly, she took my hand.

"I wish you'd told me. I wish... I wish back then I'd never let that distance come between us."

"That was mostly my fault."

But she carried on without hearing me. "I don't know whether to be angry at you or just... I don't know." Alice let her head lean on the back of the sofa. "God. Arun, why did you never tell me? Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"

That lessened the confusion in my head a little. Now it felt as though something else was pushing through all the uncertainty and it took me a few seconds to realise it was hope. Maybe, just maybe, she felt something for me. Maybe Grain, Amelia and Gabrielle were right. Maybe Gabrielle was right when she said Alice thought about me a lot.

I had to be sure, though. "You mean a lot to me, too. You're the best friend I've ever had."

She shook her head slowly. "No, Arun. You..." She trailed off, looking down at her hand holding mine.

When she looked up at me, she had the look I didn't quite recognise. She moved even closer and suddenly I felt hot. I didn't seem to mind that her other arm was now brushing against my side. She glanced at my back and I began wondering if she was struggling with something when the upset came back on her face.

Then she surprised me by leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on my shoulder, letting it linger before she turned her head and let it rest there.

"Can we just sit like this for a bit, please?" She whispered. "I think I need time to figure out how to say things."

I nodded. "Okay."

We sat like that for a long time. I had no idea what to say but for once it was fine because I felt so comfortable, so relaxed. Enough so that even the pain seemed to be calming down. I was so surprised that she was there, it occurred to me that I'd never thought it was a possibility. Some of my fears began making sense; the mass of confusion was beginning to diminish bit by bit the more she sat with me.

Maybe this whole time, part of it was always being afraid I couldn't quite be loved; not by just anyone, but specifically by her. Or liked, even, if not loved exactly. After all, I was a source of guilt for her and I was a reminder of that time. However, she hadn't run or looked at my back with disgust or anything.

She'd stayed.

More than that, I was starting to realise that if it had been anyone else, it wouldn't have mattered so much. Given it was Alice, maybe I'd always been too afraid of saying anything because I was more emotional about her than expected; I'd just never fully been aware of it.

Before I knew it, I was saying, "I'm sorry for not telling you."

She made a small sound. Then, "It's okay." There was a pause. "Arun, has it been bad ever since that day?"

"It varies. I have good days. Bad days. There are a lot of factors involved."

"Like what?"

"You really want to know?"

She raised her head slightly to look at me in the eye. "Of course."

"Okay. I guess, the weather, temperature, how nervous I am, stuff like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, if it's cold, then it's usually likely to hurt more. So now I hate winters. And if I'm feeling nervous, I kind of tense up and that causes problems with movement."

She was quiet for a few moments while she took this in. "Are you tense right now?" She asked putting her head back on my shoulder.

"Not now."

"... Good."

There was a very long silence. It was so long I began to wonder if I should break it but Alice got there first.

"It wasn't because you resented me, was it?" Her tone of voice was quiet but it also told me she'd been nervous about asking that question and perhaps had been meaning to ask it for a long time.

"What?"

"When you started cutting yourself off from everyone. From me."

That had never occurred to me. All of a sudden, her behaviour in the car made sense. That tone of worry. Even the way she'd forced herself to be calm when I brought up our school days. "No. Not at all! Alice, is that what you thought?"

She nodded slowly. "For a while."

"I've never resented you for anything, I swear. It just seemed easier to deal with it myself. Keep my own space. Kind of just have this separate world, you know? Me with my fucked up back and fucked up head; everyone else just going on as normal."

She nodded again. Her other hand was now stroking my hand while she still held it. "Arun, I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I don't think I'll ever understand. But, do you think maybe you can tell me? Or just... I don't know. I just want to know this part of you. I don't want you to hide from me."