Alice and I

I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I'd spent so long avoiding the topic with anyone that it almost felt like she was asking me to do the impossible. Looking at her, though, I was reminded starkly that I'd already started opening up.

"I know I might be asking a hell of a lot," She continued. "I know it must be like being asked to do something that totally goes against your instinct. So, will you at least think about it?"

I nodded.

She nodded in response and her eyes moved to my back again. "Can I see?"

I moved forward and turned to the left so she could see all of my back.

"Can I touch?"

"Uh..."

"It's okay if you don't want me to."

"Why do you want to?"

"Because it's your back."

I was silent for a bit. "I don't let people touch it."

"Okay. I'll leave it alone then."

Her willingness to say that changed my mind for some reason. "Gently, please."

I heard the surprised tone in her voice. "Okay. Gentle. Of course."

She started at the right shoulder with only one or two of her fingers, slowly, calmly tracing a scar down to the middle of the back. Then she traced another scar upwards from my lower back. Soon she had both her palms flat against my middle back, slowly moving up as if she was trying to take in every detail of every scar covering the skin.

The whole time, I couldn't really make myself speak, even though that's what I wanted. I wanted to convey something about the moment; about how calm I felt and how alien this all felt to me. I wanted to tell her how good her hands felt on me.

Before I knew it, her hands had gone up to my shoulders and over them, until finally I saw them clasp together in front of my body and felt her against my back with her chin on my shoulder and her cheek against my jaw. She felt so warm.

"When I said you mean a lot to me, I meant a lot more than just friends," She whispered.

That left no doubt at all in my mind about what she meant, especially since, as soon as she said it, she kissed my jawline softly and let it linger. Then she rested her head on my shoulder.

My heart was pounding when she kissed me. I couldn't tell if I was nervous or relieved or terrified or ecstatic. Maybe all of that and more. I had questions suddenly, but all that came out was, "Really?"

"For a long time now."

"I had no idea." There was a beat of silence. "I thought you were interested in some mysterious prosp-- oh. Right."

She snorted once as if she was about to laugh. "I wanted to tell you before." She kept her face there so it wasn't possible to actually look at her, but I got the feeling that this was making it easier for her to be open with me.

"Why didn't you?"

"I suppose a few reasons. But mainly two."

I was very curious now. "Do you mind if I ask what they are?"

"I don't mind," Alice said quietly. She shifted slightly, pressing her body against me a little more. I can't describe how good it felt. It was almost like she was making sure she could hold onto me no matter what she said. There was nothing she could've done which would make me push her away. Even hearing her words so near to my ear and her breathing on my neck were having massive effects on me.

"The first reason," Alice said slowly. "I guess I didn't say anything because you felt so distant. There was a lot going on. I felt so guilty and you just didn't seem to want to know anyone. The main reason, though, is that I told my mother how I felt about you. I was fourteen at the time."

That was a huge surprise. I slowly turned and she loosened her grip, adjusting her body to accommodate me facing her. "Fourteen? You had feelings at fourteen?"

"How could I not?"

"I don't understand."

She smiled. "I guess neither did I, at the time. Arun, I felt like you'd saved my life. Did you not think that'd have a powerful effect on me? About how I saw you? How I related to you?"

"... No. I don't think it ever entered my mind."

"I was confused. I mean, I couldn't stop thinking about you sometimes but at the same time you were a mystery. I told my mother and she said the best thing to do would be to wait."

"Wait for what?"

"To see whether my feelings were real. Whether they'd change or disappear. I don't know. Just to wait and see. She said because of what you'd done and how young I was, it might just have been that I was overwhelmed and confusing gratitude with something more. Or that it was just a crush or something. I mean, she made sense and I hated what she was saying because I just wanted to tell you, but eventually I realised she might be right. So, I waited.

"Then I left. And, I think sometimes my feelings weren't the same or whatever. I just kinda kept going. But the one thing I couldn't do was lose contact with you. It took me a while to figure out that maybe just emailing and calling was the best way to do it. You seemed to hate being around people. I figured at least if I had your number, I'd never lose contact. Even if it was once in a while."

"I looked forward to talking to you every time."

She smiled. "I'm glad. I felt the same way. Eventually, after those boyfriends and knowing I was coming back home, I realised I was coming back to you. And that was it. That's all I needed to know. Pretty much knew then that I'm crazy about you."

I saw how nervous she was. It occurred to me then that I hadn't said anything about how I felt. She was laying her heart on the line here and waiting for me to say something and it was something she'd been waiting to hear for a very long time. It was all the more potent as her words went around inside my head; her realisation that she was coming back to me.

It was like having a wild dawn inside. The sudden burst of pure light over the horizon. That subtle bubbling of joy welling up from somewhere deep down. It was the strangest sensation of knowing what she was saying was natural and felt so right and yet was so unexpected that I was just looking at her with words caught in my throat. It felt like a waking dream. And then suddenly, it felt like the most real thing that had happened to me in years.

It was easy for me to say, "I feel the same way."

The tension seemed to drain out of her shoulders immediately and she beamed. Slowly she leaned forward and softly kissed the corner of my mouth and laid her head on my shoulder again. "Good."

Just from the way she had reacted softly, I knew this felt natural to her as well.

I pulled her toward me so I could sit back against the sofa and she moved with me, bringing her legs up onto the sofa, relaxing her body against mine.

"Arun?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm so sorry you've been in pain all this time."

"I've learned to live with it. It takes a while to adjust is all."

"You're going to have to adjust again."

"Am I? To what?"

"To me, Arun. What else?"

I couldn't help but smile, even if she couldn't see it. She moved closer to me and hummed, sending vibrations against my neck before she kissed it. I could've stayed like that forever. I think she understood that because she barely moved once she settled into that position. I don't know why at that time we didn't do more; that she didn't just suddenly start kissing me or I started touching her. It wasn't as if I didn't want to, but there was this odd understanding that this was one of those things we were going to be careful about. When you feel something for that long, it isn't always the best course of action to rush into something.

In some ways, it felt like we were like that forever. Minutes and hours passed and we didn't feel the need to say much. It was just a calm; one I hadn't felt in a long time. I was relaxed and so aware of her steady breathing. Occasionally she'd press her face against my neck, almost as if to let me know she was still awake. I wasn't sure what time it was when she finally whispered that she wanted to lie next to me when I went to bed.

I wasn't expecting her to say that but to my own surprise, I had no fear about the idea of it. I already knew she didn't want to do anything sexual. I had no doubt she understood me and how slow I needed things to go so I could adjust bit by bit.

I have a very vivid memory of that; getting up and walking to my bed with her following me, keeping her hand in mine. Nothing much actually happened, but I remember the light was muted because it was the middle of the night. There was a soft breeze blowing because I'd left a window open somewhere and my bed seemed completely normal when I looked at it as I entered the room.

Alice went to the bathroom and I went after her as soon as she got out, passing her by as she walked to my bedroom. I say my bed seemed completely normal, because when I got back, it had taken on a completely different tone just because Alice was sitting on it. She was looking at me.

She never said anything. She took her skirt off, exposing her creamy thighs and her black knickers. Moving onto the bed completely, she took her socks off and let them drop to the floor on the side and then she moved to one side of the bed. The only other item of clothing she was wearing was her T-shirt. She patted the bed next to her leg and gave me a questioning look.

I remember saying to her; "I sleep in my boxers and a T-shirt most nights."

She simply smiled. It didn't bother her, of course.

I put my T-shirt back on and took my jeans off. I felt a little nervous about showing more of my body but I felt at ease when she lay down on the bed as if she'd been doing it for years. When I was ready for bed, I was on my back next to her within a few seconds, my head turned toward her.

There's that feeling of ease when you enter a swimming pool that's just at the right temperature, right after the slight shock of the water surrounding your body and making you feel weightless. That's what it felt like when she sighed contentedly and closed her eyes to sleep.

--- --- --- --- ---

She took things slowly. Every week, she would spend at least three or four days in my flat with me, simply sitting around and watching TV, or occasionally cooking a meal or even just laying by my side in bed and talking.

She was tactile too, but it was always something innocent and if she ever got near certain parts of my body, she'd stop and take her fingertips somewhere else. I can't tell you how much I loved it every time her fingers were on my arms as we sat together.

What I found even more of a surprise was how easily she got along with my mother and sister. One day they had both come to visit while I was out getting a few chocolate bars for a sudden craving she and I had got. When I returned, I found them all laughing in the kitchen; I hadn't seen my sister laugh so much in years. They both greeted me and watched carefully when Alice gave me a kiss on the cheek and took the bag of chocolate bars from me and walked over to the cupboard to start stacking them.

"You're looking well," My sister said. She looked a little amused.

"Yeah, he is, isn't he?" My mother said. "I wonder why that is," She continued, glancing over at Alice.

I couldn't help but follow the glance and saw Alice smile to herself. To break the moment, my sister started talking again about something or the other from her life but I wasn't listening, because I just noticed Alice leaving out one bar of chocolate and looking over her shoulder at me to smile.

My mother left an hour later and my sister was still talking animatedly to Alice while I listened. They were discussing past relationships and both going into detail quite easily. It was unusual for my sister to do that. She and I had always been close, especially since our father had left and she kept herself to herself, only really talking to me and my mother. She seemed so comfortable with Alice that it was probably the first time I found myself imagining a scene in which Alice and I had been together for years and we were having dinner with my sister and mother and their partners. Some scene in the future. Like a family.

It was a powerful thought and it lingered.

When later, Alice decided she had to get going home to get some work done for her aunt, she went to my room to gather some of her things and my sister nudged me.

"What?" I asked.

"What's going on? You didn't tell me and Mum that you and Alice were together!"

"I was going to do that eventually."

My sister narrowed her eyes. "I'm telling you now -- She. Is. Perfect."

"Perfect?"

"For you, you idiot," She said. "Don't fuck this up. Who would've thought she of all people would turn out to be the right one for you?"

"Yeah. Well. Yeah."

"So articulate, Arun," Lyssa said, shaking her head. Then she was silent for a moment and gave me a quick hug. "Good," She said, looking at me. "I think she's brilliant already. And so does Mum."

"I'm glad," I said, realising I really was; I couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't get on with my family.

She left soon after with Alice.

Whatever was going on between me and Alice, it was happening slowly and at a speed where it seemed the transition to something more was seamless and subtle. It was like she knew exactly what pace to go at. We were a couple now. We'd gone out a few times with Gabrielle, Grain and Amelia, who were profuse with their congratulations when they found out Alice and I were together. Alice would kiss me when it was just us on our own, keeping in mind that neither of us liked public displays of affection and every time she did, my heart would race and I'd feel myself more and more drawn to her.

Alice was gorgeous and the more time I spent around her, the more it was this undeniable fact that no matter how she looked or what state she was in, I just found her beautiful to look at. So, it was no surprise really that she had a pretty major effect on me when it came to the sexual side of things. We'd never really done anything other than kiss, though, so occasionally I worried a little bit on how to approach it.

With my previous two girlfriends, we'd kissed heavily, petted quite heavily, but I'd never taken my shirt off in front of them, even if they had been fine with taking off their own. The most that had happened beyond that was giving and receiving oral, but it was rare; I enjoyed it, but I had to be very much in the mood.

With Alice, I seemed to be in the mood nearly all the time. That was new to me.

In some ways, it was like my body had woken up, as if being more open about it meant it had the freedom to do what bodies do; in this case, everything about her made my body do little dances inside. Sometimes it'd be something simple like her cutting up something in the kitchen with her weight resting a little more on one leg, making her body do a slight S curve from head to toe.

Seeing her in situations like that somehow brought home the idea that she had modelled and been seen by thousands of eyes, but none of them would have seen her in this relaxed, unconscious sort of grace. Her hair usually fell over to one side or over one shoulder and she usually had a calm smile on her face. And sometimes all it took was a look from her and I felt the urge to hold her against me and kiss her.

It happened one night where, while she was reading, she wore a very low-cut tank top which revealed more cleavage than I'd seen so far and I couldn't help but keep glancing at her. Somewhere along the way I saw she had an amused smile on her face until finally she looked up at me.

"I'm glad to see this top is having the effect I was hoping for."

Feeling caught out, I stammered for a moment and took a deep breath.

She grinned. "I take it you like the view?"

"... It's certainly eye-catching."

"Why can't you just admit you're staring like a starved man?"

That flustered me a little. I may have been in my mid-twenties but I felt like I barely had any experience. At least, compared to Alice.

She seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

"I think you look sexy as hell in that tank top," I told her a moment later.

This time she smiled with a tint of shyness and to my surprise, she actually blushed a little. "Why, thank you, Arun. In case you hadn't figured out by now, every time you look at me, I get tingles going all the way down to... well, you know." She flashed me a wicked grin at the look on my face.

My eyes dropped to her crossed legs without me even realising it and she laughed.

"Very funny," I said to her. Then, "Really? Tingles?" I had to know. It was the first time I could remember that word even exciting me.

"I've seen the way you look at me, Arun," She said with a very serious face. "Tingles is just the beginning of it."

"Well... I'm not the only one who has an effect."

She gave me an amused look. "No?" Then she giggled. "It's so funny watching your face. It's kinda like you really want to say what you're really thinking but you're just being so polite or something silly like that."

Which was sort of the truth and when she put it like that, it did seem very silly.

She put her book down and stood up, walking over to me slowly and sat down next to me. Just that alone, coupled with the smouldering look in her eyes made my heart beat a little faster. I think I actually gulped. She scooted close so that her legs were pressed against mine.

Then she leaned forward a little and put one arm across the back of the sofa so her hand was behind my head and I felt her touch my hair lightly. Her fingers slowly moved up through the locks of my hair and sent a shiver down my neck. I couldn't help but smile.

She smiled back and said, "Hi."

"Hi."

"Come here often?"

"... It's a place I like hanging out."

"Yeah, I've noticed that. Looks pretty comfortable."

"It is."

"I can think of more comfortable places."

"Yeah? Like?"

Without saying another word, without even moving her arm away from my head, she shifted her body and ended up straddling me. Suddenly there wasn't anything playful or funny about this. I was riveted just by the look in her eyes and she seemed to be fixated on me.

She brought up her other hand behind my head and clasped her hands together, leaning forward until her forehead was pressed against mine.

"Hi," She whispered this time.

I could feel her body pressed against me, especially her breasts and I was hard already. I knew she could feel it. At that moment, it didn't seem to matter too much. Her eyes were closed and mine closed automatically in response and for a perfect few moments, I was with her in this little bubble. For the first time I could remember, I felt completely relaxed with someone else so close to me. There was none of the Dread, no second thoughts, no doubts. I felt an overwhelming rush of affection for her.

And before I knew it, I was saying, "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart," She responded immediately.

And when she kissed me, I suddenly realised all those kisses before had been chaste because this felt like a real first kiss. Her moist, soft lips pressed against mine with an urging I hadn't felt from her before, opening a little and I did the same in response, feeling her tongue suddenly flicker out across my bottom lip before entering my mouth. For a moment, she moaned into my mouth, our tongues moving slowly against one another and her lips varying in pressure as she seemed to move back and forth slightly, almost in a rhythm. My hands were on her back somehow, moving up underneath her hair to her neck, stroking it softly as she gave me that passionate kiss that left us both breathing hard when she broke it off.

For a moment, we stayed like that, breathing and smiling. She kissed me again, shorter this time but even more passionate and I returned it, feeling my head floating off somewhere where the only thing that existed was her and me. I felt her lips move onto my jawline and bite it softly, immediately followed by a kiss and another further up to the top of my neck below my ear.