An Anniversary to Remember

A story of how Alan and I reignited the flames of passion in our stale marriage.

Alan and I were to soon "celebrate" our twenty-fifth anniversary. I put that in quotation marks for a reason – there really wasn't much to celebrate. Neither of us bothered to speak about it, much less make any special plans. I knew that he would order flowers for me and he knew that I would try to update his blah wardrobe with a new shirt and a pair of slacks. We might even splurge and go out to dinner. Whoopee! I could hardly wait for that great time. Pretty sad, huh? So how did we get here, to this sad desperate point?

Alan and I were high school sweethearts. We started dating when we were seniors. We were both virgins and became each other's first sexual partners. That first time was rather comical as neither of us had a clue about what to do or how to do it. After a few times though we had that sex thing figured out and it was pretty nice.

That is until I caught him flirting with Connie, the school tramp who had the rep of screwing most of the guys in the class. I caught them hugging in front of her locker and he had his hand in her back jean pocket, feeling her ass. I was not going to let that humiliation pass unanswered so I dumped his ass right then and there. That was in mid-April. We were supposed to go to the prom in early May but that didn't happen. I expected him to go with Connie and get lucky with her but he didn't go at all, and neither did I. We didn't even speak to each other for the last two months of the school year.

We saw each other on several occasions during that summer as we had common friends. We were cordial and friendly to each other but everyone felt the awkwardness of the situation. I was happy when I went away to college in August, knowing that I was about to start a new chapter in my life. Alan went to a different university. Neither of the schools was very distant from our hometown so we each made regular trips home to see friends and family. We continued to run into each other and eventually became good friends again. We started writing to each other from school on a regular basis and talked by phone at least once a week. During the summer between our Junior and Senior years, we started to date seriously, albeit at a distance.

I had tried dating other guys in college but did not meet anyone with whom I could see myself long term. I would usually get drunk and end up fucking them and then feeling like such a loser...must have been that Catholic upbringing. (Not the fucking part; just the guilt.) Alan also dated several women at school but never developed any feelings for them. He said they were fun to party with and fun to fuck. I guess I was just like those girls. I am so proud of that.

So, anyway, that's why we decided to give "us" another shot. We had both grown and matured and we discovered that we had similar goals and beliefs and that we complemented each other's quirky personalities. All of our friends said we were the perfect match. We were wed a year after we graduated from our respective universities.

We each took jobs in a larger city about 100 miles from our hometown, he with a civil engineering firm and I as a teacher. We became pregnant with our first son after five years, and then our second son was born about a year after our first. We decided that it wasn't necessary for me to work as Alan made three times what I made so I became a stay-at-home mom.

I loved it. I don't care what anybody says, staying home with one's kids is a privilege and a blessing, not only for the children but also for the parent. I have no regrets about doing that. I knew that if I ever wanted to return to the classroom, I could; but as time passed, any desire to do so evaporated. I never minded wiping my own kids' snotty noses but did not want to go back to doing it for other peoples' kids.

All in all, we were very happy and content. We lived comfortably, owned a beach house and could buy just about anything we wanted. Financially, we were in great shape. We had our ups and downs in our marriage, as any marriage does, but we loved each other and always worked out any problems. At least any problems that were obvious, that showed themselves. It's the hidden, underlying problems that will sneak up on you and bite you in the ass, as we were to find out.

My life centered around my two boys so I guess I never noticed that our marriage was in a rut...that is until our oldest graduated from high school and I realized that he would soon be gone and in another year, so would our youngest. It dawned on me that it would then be just Alan and me and that scared me. We had unknowingly drifted apart, had little in common anymore and basically lived the proverbial "lives of quiet desperation." I decided to take a part-time job at a department store to occupy my time. It gave me something to do and that was where I met Kim. I'll get back to Kim later.

Alan was miserable at his work but with reason. He worked for a family-run firm but he wasn't part of the family. Initially, this wasn't a problem. He was bright and talented and was one of their best engineers. The patriarch loved Alan and treated him as if he was one of his sons, two of whom were in the business. Things changed when the old man retired and passed his interests to these two sons and a third one who had joined the firm just months before the father retired.

Alan was disappointed that he wasn't rewarded with an ownership interest but he took it in stride. He was well paid. He enjoyed the work and got along well with two of the sons; the Johnny-come-lately son was another story. He was brash, abrasive and egotistical. He had nowhere near the talent and intellect of Alan or the other two sons and evidently tried to make up for it by being an asshole.

All of a sudden, Alan hated going to work. Rather than it being a joy for him, it became a burden and a hassle. He would come home angry one day and be withdrawn the next. He refused to discuss it with me. I suggested he quit and he blew up. "We have two mortgages and two college tuitions! Are you nuts or just fucking stupid?" I had never felt so insulted in my life. Suddenly, I felt like I didn't know who this man was. In the past we would talk rationally; maybe with the volume turned up, but at least we would talk. There was no talking about it this time.

For several days, we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I tried several times to talk about what was going on but he would shut me down. "It is what it is. I'll deal with it. You need to as well," he would say. What the hell did that mean? I always thought we would "deal" with things together. Not this time. I was devastated. My best friend, the love of my life, my bedmate for twenty-five-plus years was a complete stranger to me.

I began to talk to Kim about things. I needed someone to talk to and Kim was there for me. We had worked together for about a year and chit chatted about miscellaneous stuff, kids stuff, and just light conversation so this was a bit more intense. She wondered out loud if he was having one of those mid-life crises' that you hear about. I had heard the term but believed it to be man-talk for an excuse to have an affair and not be held accountable for their actions. Kim explained to me that that might be the case for some men but generally not. She said, "Men are different from women." I gave her that "duh" look and she said "aside from the obvious, silly."

"Women are centered on the care and nurturing of the family; men are centered on being the provider and protector of the family. If his ability to do that is threatened, he feels himself losing control of his life. His feelings would be similar to ones you would have if you found out your kids were flunking out, doing drugs, basically wasting their lives after all you did to raise them right. He's feeling pressures of failure and is unable to cope. He doesn't feel like he can confide in you because he, in his mind at least, has let you down, has let the family down; or is about to do so."

"That's ridiculous. I don't see him as a failure at all," I scoffed.

"He may be in a different place that you can't comprehend," she replied.

"So what do I do?" I asked.

"You let him know that you love him, have complete trust and faith in him and his abilities, that he is the best father your sons could possibly have and he is the best husband you could have ever dreamed of having. That is, if you believe that."

"Kim, I used to believe that and I used to thank God for my perfect life. But there has to be more to it. We lost that "spark" several years ago. We stopped 'making love' and started 'having sex', if you know what I mean; and even that isn't what is used to be."

Kim's face broke into a knowing, yet somewhat devious, smile. "I know exactly what you mean. Two years ago, Jim and I were right where you and Alan are now and I had a conversation very similar to this one with an old friend, Lois. She told me that Jim and I needed to reignite the passionate side of our love, that we were in the rut in which most married couples eventually find themselves and that one of three things would happen – we would continue along unhappily with one or both of us possibly having affairs, we would divorce, or we would find a way to reignite our passion for each other and learn to be happy again with each other."

"Okay, Dr. Freud, so what? Even if what you say is true, what's the answer?" I asked.

She sighed and said, "I'm not sure what would work for you, Annie. All I can do is tell you what worked for Lois and her husband Paul, and for Jim and me. Lois is someone who does a lot of reading and research on the Internet. She came across an article one day about swinging...it was full of quotes by couples who found that the swinging lifestyle brought them closer together, reignited their passion, and enhanced their sex lives with each other."

My jaw dropped and I must have had quite the expression on my face because Kim then said, "I know, that's what I thought."

I was incredulous. "You're joking, right? Making your marriage stronger by passing each other off to some stranger and watching them have sex with that stranger, jumping into an orgy and not even know where each other is, or what they are doing, or who they are doing? You are absolutely insane! I could never do that and neither could Alan. I wouldn't! He wouldn't!"

She looked at me for a moment with an all-knowing gaze and continued. "First of all, you have a total misconception about the lifestyle. It is not one big orgy. As a matter of fact, most of the participants have intercourse only with their own mates. Everyone proceeds at their own pace. You do what you are comfortable with; but you will find that in this sexually charged atmosphere, you will feel a heightened sense of sexual passion toward your own mate."

She continued, "Jim and I are now closer and have the best sexual relationship we've ever had and it is a direct result of us becoming involved in the lifestyle. We didn't do full swap for the first six months of attending parties; and even now, sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. We started off flirting and dirty dancing, groping and kissing, hugging and squeezing, being naughty but enjoying it and knowing that our spouse was having fun too and knowing that at the end of the night, we were going home together to have the most passionate and explosive sex ever. Knock it if you want and feel free to continue on your own way. All I'm saying is that this is something that has worked for us and for countless others. It may not be for everyone, it may not be fore you; but you'll never know if you don't try."

I interrupted, "This can't be something you just try. You either do it or you don't. This is something you jump into with both feet and there's no going back. That scares the hell out of me."

She continued, "Jim and I were scared to death but Lois assured us that we did not have to do anything we weren't comfortable with and could leave at anytime and nobody would get upset. Jim actually resisted more than I did, but then he's always been a little jealous. I think he was more worried about having to watch as another man felt me up, or whatever. Personally, I couldn't wait but I couldn't tell Jim that. Once we got there and we met some people and realized how much fun they were, he opened right up. As twisted and as ironic as it sounds, entering the lifestyle is the best thing we ever did for our marriage. We've made numerous friends and are once again enjoying a full happy life. There is a party a week from tomorrow and we can't wait to go back to see our friends."

"Well...okay...that's great for you guys but I don't think that would work for us. First of all, I can't see myself doing that. God would strike me down. And even if I could, how would I even broach that subject with Alan? He would flip out, or at least think that I had."

"Annie, I'm not even going to try to address that God thing because you would accuse me of rationalizing our choices. You would have to come to terms with that on your own. If you think swinging is cheating, you are wrong. It is full disclosure, everything is out in the open, and you are together. Cheating involves deception and lying...this is openness and honesty. It's the opposite of cheating. I'm not going to continue to try to sell it to you Annie. Once again, I'm just telling you what worked wonders for Jim and me. Speaking of whom, it's time for me to get home. I miss my hubby and can't wait to greet him with a warm, passionate kiss."

As we left and went our separate ways, I kept replaying her last sentence in my mind. God, how I would love to want to do that again – greet my husband with "a warm, passionate kiss." By the time I arrived at home, I had made up my mind. That was exactly what I was going to do.

I changed out of my frumpy, department store dress and put on something a bit slinkier. I opened a bottle of wine and deliberately did not start dinner. Instead, I called one of our favorite restaurants to reserve a table for two. I poured myself a glass of wine and sat down to await him. I contemplated all that Kim had said to me earlier and found myself feeling stronger and emboldened. It was almost 7:00 when I heard the automatic garage door opener do its thing.

I put down my now nearly empty glass of wine and waited at the door for him. He walked in, I immediately put my arms around his neck, pulled him to me and then placed my hands on each side of his face and kissed him with emotion that I've neither felt nor shown for months, perhaps years. He was most receptive, but obviously wondering.

"Wow," he said, "what was that for?"

"I've missed you," I whispered.

"Ummm, we've been apart for only, like, twelve hours."

"No," I said "We've been apart for years and I want us back together. C'mon, come in, loosen your tie, have a glass of wine with me and tell me about your day. I really want to hear about it."

We sat together on the sofa sipping our wine. He started telling me about his day. It was a good day because the asshole brother took off for a long weekend. Everybody in the office felt a sense of relief and one of the other brothers even commented, "Damn, it's nice not having to listen to shithead's whining."

I could sense a difference in him this evening. Was it because he didn't have to deal with "shithead" today or was it my warm greeting when he arrived home? Don't know...don't care...just enjoy the moment, I told myself.

"Hey, what's this thing you said about us being apart for years? Do we need to talk?" he asked.

I resisted saying "Duh! Is that a rhetorical question?" And instead replied "Sweetie, let's talk over dinner. We need to get going. We have 8:00 reservations at Amici's."

"Amici's! Holy shit, what did you do? Wreck your car?"

I laughed out loud. "It's not what I did; it's what I'm going to do. Actually, it's what WE'RE going to do."

He looked at me with his head slightly cocked to one side and his eyes squinted. I knew what that meant. He was thinking, "What the hell are you cooking up?"

After a moment, he said, "Okay, let's go."

When we arrived at the restaurant, the owner, George, greeted us. "Hey, it's the A team! Welcome back, long time no see."

Many of our friends called us the A team because both of our names start with A. I always liked that...we were a team at one time. It had been quite a while since we had been to the restaurant. We hadn't had a reason or desire to go out together. That was going to change.

"Cocktails?" he asked as he seated us.

"No," replied Alan. "Pick out a nice Vietti Barolo for us, George." He left the menus with us and went to retrieve the wine.

I was already feeling the effects of the two glasses I drank at home so I knew that if we finished this bottle I would be feeling no pain whatsoever. Maybe it would give me the courage to share with Alan the conversation I had today with Kim. George presented the bottle and poured two glasses.

We sipped our wine and Alan said, "So, what's going on?"

I took a deep breath. "Honey, I've been scared and worried. Worried about you, worried about us, scared of what might happen. You have to see that things are different. We don't ever have fun together anymore. We never talk anymore about what's going on in our lives. I feel shut out by you. I feel as though we are living as roommates, not husband and wife."

I expected him to belittle what I said, to act like I was wrong and that everything was fine with us, so I was pleasantly surprised when he said, "Yeah, you're right. Things are different. I'm not sure why or how but we've definitely drifted apart. You wrapped yourself up in the kids' lives for years and I felt like the odd man out so I guess I threw myself into my work. Even that is no longer a refuge for me though."

He paused and looked at me. "But why do I have a sense that there is something more that you are not telling me?" This was it, my chance to let it out. Here was the opening I needed for me to tell him about my conversation with Kim.

Thank God for that wine because once I got started, I just let it rip. I told him about how I needed to confide in someone and talked to Kim. I told him everything that Kim said to me. I kept watching his facial expressions. They were mostly of shock and surprise, with lots of raised eyebrows. The waiter came by to take our order and Alan asked him to give us more time. I decided to stop talking and let him say something.

He kept shaking his head with a puzzled look on his face. I thought to myself "Oh shit, this is it. He is pissed and is going to go off on me."

He calmly said, "Annie, I can't remember the last time you surprised me so much. Or shocked me so much, I should probably say. I can't believe my straight-laced, catholic schoolgirl Annie could possibly consider going to a swinger's party. Holy shit!"

I decided to backpedal a little bit. "Wait a minute. I didn't say I wanted to do this. I just told you about my conversation with Kim."

"Annie babe, it's okay. Calm down. You know what? A couple of years ago, I had a very similar conversation with Richard." (Richard is one of the brothers in the business.) "He and his wife are involved in that and he recommended it for us. I told him that there was absolutely no way that my pure-as-the-driven-snow Annie would ever think of doing that and that if I were to even broach the subject you would castrate me. So, imagine my shock right now."

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel. Embarrassed? Ashamed? Happy? Relieved?

He continued, "After Richard and I talked, I did some research too. I was surprised to learn about how many people do this. People from all walks of life, all socio-economic levels, all professions, but they have one thing in common – they love their spouses, or significant others as the case may be, but feel a need to spice up their relationship. Years together lead to boredom, which leads to unhappiness, which leads to marital strife. I read numerous quotes from people whose marriages were stale and boring that now enjoy each other more than ever. I'm just in shock that you, of all people, would even think of doing this. I wanted to bring this up to you but I was scared to. I like my balls right where they are."