Ashlee's Weakness

Macy, of course, never once thought to question her and instead she'd just tell her to have a good time before kissing her good bye as she headed off to work, which by the time Ashlee met Carrie was actually becoming something of a burden on both their relationship and Macy's ability to live a normal life since she was almost always either working, in class or trying desperately to keep up with her studies. Sadly, there was nothing she could do about it. Her job paid great and she just knew that without it, even with the help they were both receiving from their parents and the small amount of money Ashlee earned working part time herself, they'd barely be able to afford decent food let alone the weed they both smoked in abundance and frankly neither one of them really wanted to be stuck eating ramen while stone cold sober. It was a frustrating situation that only added to Ashlee's guilt, but did nothing to stop her from behaving in a manner that even she didn't quite understand.

Of course there was another reason she felt guilty enough about hanging out with Carrie to keep it a secret from Macy: Carrie tended to talk about one subject in particular when they were alone together and that subject was sex. Not that that in itself was all that unusual. Every girl they knew were all after all sexually active young women enjoying their freedom to speak and do as they pleased in a highly permissive environment and they all talked about sex like they talked about anything: often and with great enthusiasm. The problem was that Carrie wasn't like everyone else.

Well, she was, but Carrie wasn't exactly a one woman type of girl and she was damned proud of it.

Not in a bragging kind of a way. No, it was more subtle than that, but there was definitely a confidence about her that just seemed to draw other girls to her and once they were drawn in she had no problem letting them get as close as they wanted and then some.

Of course, Carrie was in a relationship herself, so it was never a straight forward kind of a thing, but after catching Carrie in the bathroom going down on a cheerleader from the local high school whom Ashlee could have sworn she'd just been talking to a mere five minutes earlier and then catching her the very next weekend in a very similar situation with a girl from Ashlee's soccer team who Ashlee had always thought was straight ( thanks to engagement ring on her left ring finger) Ashlee quickly learned to pay attention to the way Carrie handled herself.

She also learned to stop looking too hard for her friend when she went missing at parties. Not that Carrie seemed to mind being found. In fact, after Ashlee caught her the second time Carrie had found Ashlee sitting on the porch trying hard to not realize how jealous she was at that moment and nonchalantly just started talking to her about nothing in particular until the couple that was also occupying the porch wandered off and she just as nonchalantly said "You should have joined in," like it was the most natural thing in the world to say and then laughed playfully when Ashlee sputtered and turned red at the thought.

"Chill, chill," Carrie had said as she drunkenly wrapped her arm around Ashlee in a friendly gesture, "I'm just fucking with you. I know you're all monogamous and whatever, but... oh, well. Your loss. Wanna go smoke a joint?"

Ashlee had of course said yes hoping to end the awkward moment. Thankfully it worked, but after that night Ashlee found herself turned into something of a silent partner in her friend's crimes as Carrie suddenly started opening up about her apparently many and diverse conquests. At first this was in itself a kind of awkward experience, but as time went on Ashlee quickly found herself fascinated not only by her friends shocking ability to apparently bed just about any girl she wanted but also by some of the things she claimed to have done. Carrie, for her part, seemed almost amused by Ashlee's naïve nature, but not in condescending way. Well, at first it was, but quickly their relationship became almost like a mentorship even though Ashlee always demurred when Carrie suggested that she "loosen up a bit" and learn not to take her relationship with Macy too seriously.

That right there really should've been enough of a warning for Ashlee, but it wasn't. Nor was it enough when Carrie started getting more than a little flirtatious with her whenever they got drunk together. No, no matter how many times she had to slap Carrie's hand from off of her thigh or had to remind her friend (and sometimes, though she'd never admit it, herself) that she was in a serious relationship and that it really wasn't appropriate for Carrie to be grabbing her butt like that Ashlee refused to truly put the brakes on the relationship before it got to far out of hand and instead she just hid more and more from Macy while convincing herself that it was still nothing but innocent fun.

Ashlee's denial was a strong and powerful enemy that soon would get her in a great deal of trouble. It was so strong that even her guilt was silenced by it most of the time. Her denial allowed her to brush off just about anything. She often thought to herself that it was just a little flirting, right? How could that be bad? Besides, she needed to do something while Macy was working all the time and it was nothing really. Just two girls playing around. Nothing serious. No, really. It was nothing. Ashlee knew that and so did Carrie. It was just a game and nothing more. Nothing more at all.

So with those weak rationalizations in hand Ashlee continued on with her life loving Macy openly while secretly crushing on someone she knew was dangerous, but who she already just couldn't imagine not being a part of her life mere weeks after they'd first met. And she did in fact know that Carrie was a danger. Ashlee, however, convinced herself with the help of her denial that she just wasn't that kind of person. She'd never give in to temptation. She was strong and so was her love for Macy. Nothing could change that. Not even the way her heart seemed to skip a beat every time Carrie called her to hang out with her or that warm feeling she got when Carrie touched her in that intimate fashion that Ashlee knew she shouldn't allow Ashlee allowed herself the luxury of believing in her own strength of will even as it was failing her completely as she found out one fateful day when it would fail her completely.

Of course, the day in question hardly seemed like anything worth worrying about when it started. It was just another Tuesday, the day she always went running with Carrie because she didn't have practice and the only class she had that day was her ultra-early and at first ultra boring English course which she was finally starting to enjoy intellectually, but still hated because it was so damned early. By that time though she was also kind of used to it. Besides, it really did offer the perfect chance to hang out with Carrie even though she really would've preferred to hang out with her in the comfort of her own apartment smoking weed and listening to music. Of course, they usually did that as well, but only after getting a mile or two in at the local park with its secluded jogging trails.

When Ashlee showed up at Carrie's after a quick stop at the apartment to change into something more appropriate to running it appeared for a moment that she wouldn't even have a chance to hang out with Carrie at all as it was Carrie's lover who answered the door looking most displeased to see Ashlee standing there asking to see her girlfriend. Ashlee's suspicion that it was her presence that was angering Carrie's lover so much was confirmed moments later when she overheard Carrie's lover bitching about Carrie's pothead friends and wondering why she even bothered hanging out with them while Ashlee stood on the doorstep feeling like a ten year old waiting for her friend to ask her mom for permission to go on a bike ride until Carrie came to the door and said "Hey, could you come back in like an hour? Sorry, she's in a bad mood today, but she totally has to go to work in a bit and then we can totally go running then, cool?"

"Sure," Ashlee had said even though she really had no idea what she'd do for an hour on her own. After all, Macy was in class, and she was kind of pissed at some of her other friends so there wasn't much else to do at half past noon on a Tuesday in early fall. Luckily Carrie noticed the light despair forming on Ashlee's face and took mercy on her.

"You know, maybe I could sneak out a little earlier, but she's really paranoid right now. Just umm... go hang out at the coffee shop and I'll totally meet you there as soon as I can calm her down, okay?"

"Yeah, that's cool," Ashlee said as she smiled a bit too brightly and received a smile in kind as she stood there frozen for a moment until she realized she really needed to leave and finally said "Alright, see you in a bit" before turning and heading to her car feeling far better than she knew she should. In fact, by the time she was pulling out of Carrie's lover's driveway and started heading to the coffee shop that she knew Carrie thought of as "the" coffee shop despite the fact there were at least ten that Ashlee could name off the top of her head without even thinking about it the guilt was already starting to catch up with her.

It was a common feeling of late. Her denial was strong as ever, but cracks were starting to form at a rapid rate and they were getting harder and harder to repair. For instance she was now willing to admit to herself she was definitely attracted to Carrie, but she had managed to convince herself that it didn't mean anything and even if it did that she was a good person who loved Macy and nothing could ever possibly make her forget that, could it? No, she was certain there was no way in hell she could ever forget that. She wasn't Naiya after all. She wasn't the kind of person who would cheat and lie to someone she loved.

Of course, that was all bullshit and she knew it. Well, so far the cheating part was true. She hadn't cheated on Macy and she honestly had no conscious plans to do so. She had, however, lied to her several times including that very day when she told Macy that she'd probably just go to the library after class or go for a run which was all technically true, but not really. Still, it wasn't exactly a lie. She'd simply omitted the fact that when (not if) she went running it would be with Carrie.

Again, though, it wasn't that Ashlee was completely unaware of the nature of her actions. She was just becoming very good at lying to herself thanks to lots of practice. In fact, she was actively doing it right there in the coffee shop as she sipped her tea and tried desperately to avoid checking the time on her phone every five minutes and instead found herself checking it every four minutes instead as she felt her conscience awakening inside of her telling her that she shouldn't be where she was under false pretenses.

Honestly, she couldn't even say why she'd lied to Macy. It had been just such an automatic response. Like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to just lie straight to her lover's face for no reason whatsoever. Well, except the reason she was denying to herself even as she anxious counted off the seconds waiting to see Carrie's long, lean body walking through the door until the last time she picked up her phone to check the time and nearly jumped out of her seat when the phone began to vibrate in her hand.

The barista gave her a funny look when she let out a nervous laugh, but Ashlee ignored her as she answered the call cautiously, too lost in her own embarrassment to actually check who was calling her and found herself oddly relieved to find out it was Carrie. The relief was quickly overshadowed with guilt when she almost called Carrie baby. Luckily didn't seem to notice as she said "She's gone. Finally. God, she's being such a cunt lately, but whatever. Like you care, right? Anyway, I'll be there in say ten minutes, cool?"

"Yeah, that... that's cool," Ashlee still feeling a little silly, but managing to overcome if only just barely.

"Sweet. Alright, I'm going to drive there, so I'll be there in like no time and then we can just take my car out to the park," Carrie responded.

Ashlee said "Cool" one more time before Carrie said good-bye and then hung up leaving Ashlee to catch her breath as the guilty thoughts once again began to crowd their way into her mind as she finished off her tea before getting up and buying a couple of overpriced waters and then heading to her car to sit on the trunk and wait.

She didn't wait long and for that she was quite thankful as just seeing Carrie's ratty old Saab pulling in next to her Jetta seemed to completely wipe away all the dark thoughts she was having. She jumped down from the trunk quickly as Carrie playfully honked her horn while smiling at Ashlee and beckoned her to hop in. Ashlee just smiled back before doing just that and soon they were pulling out of the parking lot and heading off to Carrie's favorite park.

The drive over was from far from silent as Ashlee kept the conversation going both because she was afraid to be left alone with her thoughts and because she just couldn't help herself. She just had to talk to Carrie, to laugh at her jokes and to see and make her smile even as Ashlee felt that little dark spot inside growing as she realized she was flirting. Still, she couldn't stop herself no matter how loudly that voice inside her head kept yelling trying hard to remind her how much she loved Macy.

The voice didn't even go away when she caught herself staring at Carrie's firm, tight bottom and long, toned arms and legs when they were stretching before their run nor when she found herself falling behind her friend so she could stare at her as they ran. Even the filthy thoughts these images brought into her mind didn't silence the guilt she was feeling, but they did allow her some peace until Carrie inevitably urged to catch up.

Luckily, as they continued to run the voices became quieter and quieter as she began to concentrate more and more on just trying to keep pace with her athletic friend. It wasn't an easy task despite the fact that Ashlee was hardly a slouch. Heck, as a mid fielder she did quite a lot of running both during games and in practice and consequently she was in very good shape. Still, Carrie was leaps and bounds above her in that category owing to the fact that she didn't just run off and on trying to steal the ball or pass it along so her team could score.

When Carrie ran she ran and didn't stop for distances that would've made Ashlee whither if she even attempted to contemplate them. She'd actually run marathons before and done fairly well at them even though her expertise was in the five and ten thousand meters. Carrie just happened to hold the school records in both.

That day they were doing the rough equivalent of a 5k and by the time they were done Ashlee couldn't help but be impressed by the fact that even though she herself was glistening with sweat and struggling for breath Carrie just seemed to glow and looked like she was barely winded as she handed Ashlee the water she'd bought them earlier and teased her by saying "I thought you soccer girls were supposed to be athletes."

"Oh, be quiet," was all Ashlee could think of as she did her best to chug her water while thanking god that at least it wasn't hot out.

"Oh, be quiet yourself. I'm allowed to tease. You should feel good though. I once talked that girl Desi into running with me and she almost fainted," Carrie said as she sipped her own water rather delicately.

"How long was that?" Ashlee said trying to hide just how proud that little compliment had made her feel. Desi was, after all, the main striker on the team and honestly the girl was ripped and damned proud of it. She was also the best player they had and damned proud of that as well. In short, she was a bit of an arrogant bitch and Ashlee was ecstatic to hear she'd finally out done her in at least some respect. She was also too humble to show it even as Carrie's smile seemed to say that Ashlee's inner pleasure was not a secret to her even as Carrie refrained from pressing the matter.

"Not that long," Carrie said casually before checking the pedometer on her wrist. "About five miles. No biggie."

"Holy shit, five miles! You said we were gonna run like three," Ashlee said somewhat indignantly.

"Oh, quit bitching. You did good. Besides what's an extra mile or two between friends?" Carrie was smiling her little cocky smile as she said this and Ashlee discovered her small amount of anger had quickly evaporated into the thin air as Carrie continued "So what do you say we go back to my place and smoke a bowl and chill?"

"Are you...," Ashlee started to protest both out of fear of Carrie's lover and because she'd told Macy she'd be home in another hour. Of course, Macy wouldn't have cared if she changed her plans, but the guilt of having lied to Macy in the first place was starting to well up inside of her at the thought of spending time alone with Carrie behind closed doors.

"Yeah, yeah. She won't be home until like midnight. We'll be cool. You can even shower there if you want. Well, unless your ball and chain..." Carrie said knowing full well that that last bit would be the kicker that got Ashlee to agree with her plans.

"Oh, she won't care. I'll just tell her I had to work or..." Ashlee started, but then stopped once she realized what she'd said pretty much revealed that she'd lied to Macy about her plans already. She needn't have worried because upon hearing this Carrie just smiled and said "Naughty girl. I like that. You're learning already."

After that it was pretty much a given that Ashlee would be accompanying Carrie back to the house she shared with her lover. About the only thing that was left up in the air was whether or not she was going to be brave enough to actually tell Macy the truth. The answer to that actually turned out to be something of a push as Macy didn't even give her a chance to make up an excuse when Ashlee called her after they'd already arrived at Carrie's lover's house. Heck, Ashlee barely even had a chance to say hello before Macy went into a rant about having to work a ten hour shift that night even though she had class early the next morning and then had to work another longer than usual shift both Friday and Saturday as well as her usual Wednesday and Thursday night shifts.

"But does that mean you aren't going to be coming to the match?" Ashlee said, authentically sad at the prospect of her girlfriend not attending one of her teams matches especially when she had another good chance to actually play since the team was on a particularly bad streak having only managed one solid win and two ties in their first month of playing with one of those ties coming when Ashlee was starting. Also, of course, there'd been a series of injuries that she'd managed to make the best of even though she liked one of the girl's she was replacing.

"Yes and I fucking told them that I wanted to go to your game, but you know those assholes: They didn't even bat an eye. They couldn't care less, the fucking homophobes. I'm sorry, baby. I know you wanted me to go, but...Fuck!"

"It's okay, I know you did." Ashlee said trying to be comforting. She was absolutely certain that Macy had at least tried because that was just the way she was. Ashlee loved soccer and Macy loved Ashlee so Macy loved watching Ashlee play.

"Well, at least I can still make your match on Sunday..." Macy started only to have Ashlee cut her off.

"Oh, you don't have to. I know you don't want to drive that far. It's okay. Hell, I probably won't even play Sunday anyway. Courtney's knee is getting better. Fuck, she's been practicing and everything and she's barely even limping anymore. Don't worry about it. Just don't kill anyone tonight, okay?"