Bad Penny Ch. 13

"It is the time of year for looking back and looking forward, Sean." Tara said with her hand on my arm in earnest emphasis. "Think about the last year, and think about the future. If you want to protect her from the world, how can you do it? For how long? Will you stay forever, guarding her? Marry her? Lock her away to keep her from anyone and everyone? Or will you leave her, abandon her? Or will you accept her as she is and take a grip? She got into trouble because you left the leash too long, Sean."

"But I don't want a slave, I want her to be a girlfriend."

"Oh grow up, Sean." Tara said, testily. "She has been under her father's thumb for so long how can she be a grown up? How can she be free when she has chains of guilt and and religion and all that crap? It is like asking a beta dog to lead the pack. Poor thing goes mad. Maybe you can train her to be a grown up in ten or twenty years, but now? No way."

"She is getting better though."

"Is she?"

"Well. I think so."

Tara shook her head. "There are none so blind as those who will not see. I'll put a bet on with you. I will suggest you do something, and predict what will happen. If I am wrong you can arrange a time that suits you to come over to my place without Penny and you can fuck me any way you like. I will wear any costume, you can use any toy, tie me up or down, use any hole. I will kiss, fondle, luck and suck anything you want me to. I will even try to arrange for company, male or female, or both if you want, although I can't promise that. I will fulfil any fantasy. And I will do so happily, because I have missed you Sean. But if I am right, I win, and you will come and play, and bring Penny. How about it?"

"Stakes are good, but what is the bet about? You could specify all sorts if things that would obviously be right, and I would have to bring Penny, which I have said I think is a bad idea.."

"I predict that if you asked Penny to join us for a weekend as our slave she would say yes. And be very happy."

"No bet. I said she was getting better, not that she was all better."

"Okay. How about this. You think she doesn't long to submit, and prove her submission to you? Order her to do something. Something extreme. See if she demurs. See if she even hesitates. I bet I you told her now to come with you to the bathroom, here, and told her to strip and get in the bath so you could piss in her mouth, she would do it. Right now. Right away. No hesitation. No need to tell her twice. Just call her over now and say 'I have changed my mind, I have decided for the new year that I accept you as my slave, now come to the bathroom so I can piss in your mouth.' I bet she would be thrilled. I bet the first thing she would say would be 'Yes, Master.' You want to bet on that?"

I didn't reply. I was staring at her, speechless.

"What? Did you think she hadn't told me? Did you think that she didn't come to me in tears when you told her you wouldn't do it any more? That she wasn't triumphant when you did it again? That she hasn't cried on my shoulder in the last month because you won't do it, or any of the other things she pines for?"

I was shocked. "When?" I blurted. So far as I was aware Penny hadn't seen Tara in months, and never without me since the party at which Penny was (in my eyes) gang raped.

"She comes to see me on Thursday mornings when you have that lecture and double seminar. She feels guilty about not telling you, but you haven't specifically forbidden her from seeing me, and you have said you want her to make decisions about her own social life, and to have a social life that does not necessarily involve you - specifically you ordered her to go out for coffee with other girls. So she is still obeying you, in her mind."

I took a moment to process this. It sounded crazy. I shook my head and just said "What?"

"Don't you see Sean, you can't just fix her. I know about this stuff. I am a crazy, sick and mixed up puppy. I have stuff knotted in my head and welded to my soul that's just so black and stupid that I can't describe it. I know that. I live with it and try to unpick it and fight it and it is all still there. Guilt, and shame, and anger and fear and deep longing and horror, and hate, and ..." Tara made a noise that expressed such dark emotions that it shook me. "It doesn't matter," she went on. "The important thing is, what happened to me happened years ago. Over several years. Vulnerable formative learning years. And I was formed and I learned. And now I fight that shape I was bent into and try to learn that what I was taught to believe, to know, about me, was wrong. And I will fight that forever. Now look at Penny. All her life until a year ago she was taught to obey men. No, shush, listen me!" Tara waved my start at protest to silence.

"I'm not talking about you. I mean her father. I mean her mother teaching her to obey her dad, and her husband when she got one. I mean the church she went to and the school. Jesus Sean, you have no idea. I sat through years of that shit, thinking all the time that Mary Wollstonecraft lived in vain. It is like feminism never happened. That place turns out middle class, middle aged wives who can run a good dinner party, daub a decent watercolour and know how to discipline the nanny. But above all, they know how to please their husbands. Now some of us, with twentieth century parents and access to TV had different ideas. But Penny? She wasn't allowed to watch Dallas. She never saw a copy of Cosmo. She was a good girl. Now I always liked her, she was nice, and well, just innocent. Not snooty, not judgemental, not like the Christian Union lot or the rich bitches. But I didn't really know her, until you brought her round to Mike's. But I have always remembered something one I my friends said about her when I talked to her the day after you turned up with Penny at the theatre, when we all went on that school trip to see Juno and the Paycock - you remember that?"

"Yeah. It was the first week I was going out with her. Me and Lenny and Owen heard you guys were going so we bought tickets and sat behind Penny and Jill and what's her name that Owen fancied."

"Yeah, and afterwards you and Penny walked off holding hands. I saw you, and so did my friend, who I won't name, because she said something rather rude that I have to say I laughed at, because I thought it was true. She saw you two holding hands and said 'Oh so maybe butter would melt in Harty's mouth. But I bet it would freeze solid in her cunt.'"

I snorted in surprise. Tara gave me a half smile. "Yeah. I suppose it is still funny. And from what I have heard, until recently, damn near true. She wanted, oh how she wanted, sex. Just as much as me, or you, it any horny teenager. She isn't any hornier now than she was then you know. But she kept them crossed for years. Not because she didn't want to, or didn't want you. But because her father told her to. Because her priest told her to. Because she was trained to obey older men. Or women. Her mother, teachers, whatever. Trained to obey. In everything. And she likes it. That's the big thing. She doesn't want to be free. She doesn't want responsibility. It isn't even a matter if wanting really, it is more than that. She fears and hates freedom. She is stressed out of her head by choice. She cries if she has to make a decision because she is scared it will be wrong. She has no confidence in herself, or her needs. She is the natural prey of every bully, con-artist or chauvinist man. And inside her that has got twisted. Not your fault, nor mine, but we are both a bit to blame, because we let her find a happy place to go and now she wants to go back there, and you won't let her. It isn't that she wants you to just run her life. She wants to not feel guilty and scared all the time, she wants you to be a rock to cling to. And rocks are hard and cold and emotionless and hurt you, but they are also solid and unmoving and reliable."

"But..."

"Would you take the bet?"

"What?"

"I will stand at the bathroom door and tell people Penny was suddenly taken ill, and you are helping her. You can get her in there, she will be stripped and in the bath in under a minute, you can get the shower running while she undresses. Piss on her, another minute, then tell her to wash, three minutes to scrub her hair, two for the rest, rough towel and back in her dress in another two. Out the door and into the bedroom to do her makeup, and get her underwear on, if you give it back to her. Time in the bathroom, ten minutes tops. As long as you tell her to not grin too much nobody will know she wasn't being sick. And if she does grin they will just think you were shagging."

"No."

"Because you will loose?"

"No, because whether I won or lost it would be bad for her. I am trying to be a rock, by being normal. Saying that to her would undermine all I have done for six months. So, no matter how attractive the stakes, and I have to say, either winning or loosing the bet would be delightfully good fun, and I wish I could, or we could, come and play, I can't take the risk."

Tara gave me a sideways look and said "You can always come and play anyway. With or without her. I won't tell."

"I don't think I could do that, dearest Tara. If she ever found out..."

"Humpf. You are a complete spoil sport you know. Penny won't play with Mike because you banned her from going with another man without express permission, and I can't shag her either because even if she thinks there is a loop-hole for girls, I know how angry you would be, and I wouldn't want that."

I told her I was glad to hear that, and that Penny was not shagging other men, including Mike. "You see, I am having some good effect on her," I said.

She laughed and then sighed. "Oh Sean, you optimistic fool. I do love you for that too. But don't you see, she is only not shagging Mike because she is obeying you? You haven't changed her. Okay, so she isn't fucking any man who walks up and says he wants her, but that is still her being submissive. For that matter it is her punishing herself for not doing as you told her before, by not having sex, which she loves doing."

I started to protest again but she went on "Now don't be silly Sean. I'm not saying she wants to screw every man she meets, or even Mike really. But she does love sex. With you, and for you to watch, because then she is not responsible, not guilty, and with others, boys or girls, if she fancies them a bit and she can find a way past her guilt. So if a good looking guy orders her to do something ... Now you have banned her from obeying anyone else. So other men's orders don't count. She would feel guilty. But don't kid yourself that if you rescind that order she will still refuse all comers because she has learned, I don't know, self control, self respect, self preservation."

"But after what happened at your party, and all that..." I said, knowing how feeble my voice sounded.

"So she caught the clap. So she knows to use condoms. But do you really think if I got all the guys in this party to line up she wouldn't strip and take them all, any way they wanted? Right now? If you told her to. Or even if you just said she could, just gave her permission. And wouldn't she say afterwards that she did it to please you, because you like watching her?"

I had no reply. Tara looked at me with compassion. "Sean, my dear, are we going to have this conversation every New Year? In ten years time will you still be saying she can't come and swing with me and Mike because she isn't strong enough? And what if she does get to be strong. What then? Are you going to live with her forever? It are you just hoping to build her up so you can leave her without having to worry about her? Because if it is that then you may never get there. May never be able to leave. Never get to start the life you really want with someone else. And you will miss out on years of fun. I'm not saying she will never slow down and never get a bit more spine. Probably having kids will help - it has changed me. But really Sean, you need to face it, she is how she is. You are fighting that. You can't win. All you can do is work with it, or walk away. Because if you fight it she will break anyway. She can't go on living a lie to please you. If you can't become the man she needs she will find one that can."

I was gutted. I was out of arguments. I knew she was right. I didn't want to believe it. I just shook my head.

"Darling Sean. It will be okay. And I'm sorry I upset you, but, I worry about you both. Now come on, let's get a drink and I will introduce you to someone nice. Johnny and Coleen. You'll like her."

"Another cousin?" I asked.

"No, we met at a party at Mike's uncle Peter's place. He has become quite the socialite since his return from Hong Kong."

We drifted back into the party, but I felt hollow for the rest of the night. At midnight I kissed Penny, and then Veronica grabbed me and there was a few minutes of social osculation with her, Carly, Fiona and a couple of others from the drama crowd, before I was snagged by Coleen, who gave me the first kiss I had ever had from her, and it was almost as enthusiastic as Veronica had been. But not quite as serious as the one Tara then gave me. I was surprised then by a tap on the shoulder and looked round to see a half smiling and half mock scowling girl, who said "How come you have never kissed me like that?"

I looked at her. "Because we have never met before?"

"Okay, I'll forgive you then. But only because it is new year." she said it smiling, and kissed me. Very soundly. Her hands roamed a little, and her tongue very gently touched my lips. It could have gone on for longer, but she pulled back and with a sparkling smile said "I'm Margaret, by the way. Nice to meet you."

"Sean, likewise."

"Well, Sean Likewise, I have to go."

My arms were still around her and I kept her for a half a second more, saying "Well I hope we meet again, Margaret Bytheway."

She whirled off into the crowd, laughing.

I found Penny and kissed her again. She looked up at me and said "You are very thoughtful tonight. Is everything okay?"

I tried to look happy, and said "Oh it's just New Year. It always makes me thoughtful. And it always reminds me of my Aunt Jo. I miss her."

Penny gave me a soft smile. She had known Jo, who had died on New Years day from cancer two years before. She had been my favourite aunt, and it was true that I had thought of her often that day. Penny kissed me and said "But you still have me."

I hugged her and said "And I'm glad of it."

We danced, to Sade, "Hang on to your love." Later we walked home, on pavements that glittered with frost, Penny clinging to me as her high heels slipped and she shivered as the chill air swished beneath her long coat and found her thin stocking-clad legs.

When we got home I had to warm her up in bed with a hot water bottle, a brisk chafing massage and a slow and thorough sharing of bodily warmth.

It was delightful. Almost dreamy. We had both had a glass of champagne after midnight, and despite the late hour we didn't feel tired, just relaxed and comfortable, and in our post orgasm haze, content with the world. I murmured "Happy New Year" to her as I drifted off to sleep.

I lay awake the following morning and watched her sleeping, and thought about what Tara had said.

I didn't know then that Liz wouldn't be rejoining us, and her place in the relationship was part of my planning. It seemed to me that Liz's slight deference to Penny, the unspoken acknowledgement that Penny was senior girlfriend to me, and dominant partner with her, was a positive thing. Also something that Tara did not know much about. Tara, being a dominant force, and having been called Mistress by Penny in the past, was still in that role when she met Penny. Her view that Penny was still subservient was probably true to some extent, but exaggerated by Penny's actions with her. No. Tara was only seeing what she wanted to see. She wanted Penny back as a slave, and wanted me to help her.

I couldn't blame her. We had a lot of fun with Mike and Tara and the others. But, I decided, it was too soon to play that game again, unless Tara could be the slave. Which would never happen.

Ah well, maybe in a few months. Or maybe next year. Or the year after. Or never. Maybe Tara was right.

Could I live that life? Hoping and dreaming that Penny would change, secretly fantasising about swinging and swapping and all the games I had enjoyed and never doing any of it? Was I just putting off the inevitable, was I going to leave her, and let her go to be happy as she could be, even if that meant she would be dominated and abused by another man?

Should I do as Tara said, and accept that she was a slave at heart, and make her mine, or accept that she was like that and that I did not want her?

No. Tara was wrong. I didn't want a slave, and she didn't have to be one.

Penny woke, and blinked, and a smile lit up the room.

Whatever happened, I knew, I couldn't leave her.