Bah Humbug

'I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you. Just at the thought of me thinking you're a freak. No, I don't think you're a freak. I assume you mean because I must have undressed you and found you have a penis. Is that it?'

She nodded, her face blazing.

'Sandy, I don't care about that. That's your business, not mine. I have not called the police and never would. I don't think you're a freak, all I want is for you to get better.'

She sank back on the pillow. 'I'm sorry. I'm used to people who hate me for what I am.'

'That's incredibly sad, Sandy. But I'm not one of them.'

Sandy looked away, unable to hold eye contact with him.

'Do you want some more tea?'

She nodded.

'OK, I'll go make some. I couldn't get my pyjama bottoms on you, so if you want to wear them, they're right here. Your stuff is still drying. It was so wet.'

He left the room, closing the door behind him. She unwrapped herself from the duvet to find she was wearing a sweater and what must be his pyjama top. She picked up the pyjama bottoms and pulled them on. They were a bit too long and too loose at the top, but she managed to roll up the legs and tie them tight enough to fit. She groaned as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess and her face was deathly white. Shit, what was she going to do? She hesitated before opening the door, but she knew she had to face him. Ben was standing by the table with two mugs of steaming tea.

'OK, sit down and have some tea.' She did as she was told as he plonked the mug in front of her. 'Are you hungry, do you want some breakfast?'

She nodded, still unable to speak to him.

'Eggs, bacon, baked beans are my speciality. Would that be OK?'

'I don't want to cause you any trouble,' she said. Then realising that after what he had done for her that sounded ungrateful. 'I mean, thank you for what you did this morning, but I don't want to cause any more trouble.'

'Well, I'm going to have some anyway, if you want some, that's no problem,'

'Yes please, then. If you're sure.'

She sipped the scalding hot tea as she watched him make breakfast. He was humming to himself as the smell of cooking bacon wafted through the kitchen. She smiled as she recognised the tune, 'Fairy-tale of New York', she thought it was called. So he did have something about Christmas in him. His hair was a mess, and he needed a shave, but she thought he looked sweet even in jeans and a sweatshirt. He looked younger this morning, somehow more boyish, she thought. His eyes were a lovely shade of blue, and the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. Why had she not seen that last night? His hands looked nice with slender fingers and his smile lit up his face.

'I'm sorry, Ben, for causing all this trouble. I'll be on my way as soon as I can.'

'Sandy, I'm just glad you're OK. You had me worried this morning after I found your note. But you need to get back on your feet. If the weather stays like this, you're not going anywhere for a while, anyway.'

She looked out of the window for the first time to see it was still snowing with big fat flakes of snow drifting in the breeze. He brought two plates to the table, piled with eggs and bacon, beans and slices of toast as well. Her stomach rumbled. She had forgotten the last time she had a breakfast like this.

'Tuck in. Oh, by the way, is there anyone you want to get in touch with to let them know you're OK?'

'No, there's no need, but thank you.' She looked around, 'Where's my box?'

'I couldn't carry you and the box back. When we've had this, I'll go up there to get it.'

She started to panic again, 'You don't understand that's my only way of making money.'

'Sandy, if it's not there, I'll pay for the whole box, don't worry.'

She stood up, 'I can't let you do that, I'll go get it now.'

'In my pyjamas? I don't think you'll get far.' She sat down again and began to cry.

***

Ben knew he shouldn't, but he reached over to take her hand. 'Sandy, I've finished eating, so I'll go now. Stay here, finish your food and keep yourself warm. I've lit a fire in the other room. Go in there, wrap the duvet round you and I'll be back before you know it.'

He grabbed his hat and coat before turning to look at Sandy. She looked so sweet in his sweater and pyjamas. He wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be OK, but he knew he couldn't do that. As he closed the door, he saw her mopping up the beans with her toast and a blissful look on her face.

For the second time that day he trudged up the lane through the snow. He kept thinking of her laying frozen in the cafe doorway. If he hadn't followed her she might have become yet another homeless person to die on the streets. Something else kept pushing its way into his thoughts. The sudden frisson of excitement he had felt when he saw her penis.

***

She finished the food and sat there for a moment trying to think things through. By the look of the weather she was stuck here for a while. Ben seemed a good guy, but she couldn't work him out. Why he had gone to find her this morning she didn't know. She also didn't understand why he was so calm about finding out about her. In her experience, most people, if they ever found out about her, either got angry or treated her as a freak. Anyway, it looked as if she had been lucky, in more ways than one.

She brought one of the duvets from the bedroom and took it into the room where Ben had lit a fire. She settled down on the sofa to watch the flames dance in the fire and the logs hiss and spit. The smells and sounds of the burning wood took her back to the days before her parents had separated. Nothing had gone right for her from the day they told her they would be divorcing. She started to cry but tried to shake herself out of it. Crying wouldn't do any good. She felt warm and cosy wrapped in the duvet, and before long she had slipped off to sleep.

***

Ben found the box exactly where he had left it and as far as he could see there was nothing missing. The snow was getting even deeper now as he turned to go back. A few cars were trying to move, but they were slipping and sliding all over the road. He helped push one woman's car, but she gave up, locked it up and walked off, without even saying thank you to him. That's the Christmas spirit he thought to himself. He trudged back to the cottage and let himself in, snow falling from his coat and hat onto the hall carpet. He smelt the wood burning on the fire and he walked into the room to find Sandy asleep on the sofa, wrapped up in the duvet. She looked so peaceful that he didn't wake her to tell her about the box. He stood looking at her for a moment, and the word that came to his mind was beautiful.

He let her sleep and when she eventually woke up she shuffled into the kitchen where he was working on his laptop. He pulled the screen down quickly when he saw her come in. She thought he looked a bit guilty and wondered what he had been looking at. She squealed when she saw her box lying on the floor and everything seemed to be there. She went over to Ben, wrapped her arms around his neck to give him a hug. 'Thank you so much for getting this for me.'

He went red as she hugged him. 'That's OK, I'm glad it was still there.'

She sat down opposite him and looked him straight in the eyes. He shifted uneasily, not sure why she was doing this. 'What?'

'I am grateful believe me, but why are you doing this for me?'

He thought for a moment, 'Because it's what I think we should do for each other. I mean look out for someone when you get the chance. Not just pass by.' She tried but couldn't keep the cynical look from her face. He asked, 'Why do you look like that?'

'Because in my experience that's what most people do. Just pass by without a second look. Sometimes they even give you a kick on the way past.'

He felt his face flush, 'Well I'm not most people.' He decided to change the subject. 'Do you want to take a shower?'

'Why? Do I smell? It wouldn't surprise me if I did. But yes, I'd love a shower.'

Ben laughed, 'No, you don't smell, I thought it might help you to feel better. The bathroom's through there, between the two bedrooms. There's a clean towel there as well. Use any of the stuff in the bathroom if you want. I'll see if your clothes are ready.'

***

Sandy loved the chance to have a shower. She had become accustomed to going without for days at a time. The hostel showers were not always safe places to be, especially for someone like her. It was a pretty bathroom with a large shower cubicle, and most importantly of all the water was hot. She used his shower gel which made her think about him. She still found it difficult to believe what he had done for her this morning. Even in the heat of the shower she shivered at the memory of how cold she had been.

Sandy thought he was good looking in a nerdy kind of way. In a different time and place something might have happened between them. That thought brought an extra warmth to her body that had nothing to do with the hot water. Wrapping her hair in one towel and a bigger one around herself, she walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen. She smiled as Ben looked up from his computer, saw her, nearly dropping the mug of tea he was holding. He also went bright pink which amused her and set her wondering.

'Oh, you've finished.' His face was still bright pink.

'Yeah, I wondered if there was a hair dryer I can borrow?'

'Um, yes, I think so. There's one in my room, I'll fetch it for you.'

She smiled, 'Thanks, Ben.' He seemed to be embarrassed, and she wondered why. He walked away to fetch the hair dryer. He had left his laptop open on the table and she couldn't resist having a quick peek at what he was doing. She assumed it would be his paper he was working on, but when she read the first few sentences, she began to giggle.

'Hang on it's here somewhere,' she heard him shout. She managed to read a few more paragraphs before he shouted, 'Found it,' She moved away from the laptop, smiling to herself. He came back into the kitchen handing her the hair dryer. 'It's not the most powerful but I hope it will do.' he noticed her grinning as she took it. 'Why are you smiling?'

'Thanks Ben, you're a star.' Once inside her room she sat on the bed thinking about what she had read. It explains a lot she thought. Still smiling she dried her hair and managed to make it look presentable. Clothes, I need my clothes, I can't go around like this all night. She walked back into the kitchen to find Ben listening to the radio and drinking more tea. God, how much tea did he drink?

'Thanks for the hairdryer. Are my clothes dry? I need to wear something other than this towel.'

Ben was staring at her from some reason. She cocked her head to one side, 'What's up?'

'Oh, nothing, it's only that your hair looks so nice.'

It was her turn to blush, something she thought she would never do again. 'Thanks.'

He stood looking at her for a few seconds before jumping up, 'Oh, I'm sorry I'll go see about your clothes.' He returned from the laundry room with her jeans, her t-shirt and hoodie, together with a black bin liner which seemed to be full of something. He laid her clothes on the table and as she went to pick them up he said, 'Look, I just remembered. Carol, that's the woman who lives here, she packed up a whole bagful of clothes to go to the charity shop. She asked me to take them for her. Only, I haven't got round to it.' He pointed to the black plastic sack and went pink as Sandy stared back at him without saying anything. 'I mean It's all clean, she's about your size, I think. If you don't want to it's OK, but if you do, that's fine too. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be condescending.' He was gabbling and knew he should shut up.

'Ben, I'm sorry but I can't possibly wear someone else's clothes.'

She watched as his face dropped. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I'll take it back,' he mumbled.

'I'm kidding you, Ben. It's a lovely thought, thank you. By the way, I get most of my clothes from charity shops.'

***

Ben had been surprised when Sandy reappeared after drying her hair. He had no idea how she had done it, but she looked so different from the pathetic waif who had knocked on the door yesterday. He thought she looked pretty, and he felt his pulse quicken as she stood in front of him wearing only a towel which ended about mid-thigh. He went to fetch her clothes from the dryer and had spotted the bag of Carol's clothes which he had forgotten to take to the charity shop. When he returned to the kitchen Sandy was smiling about something, and he got himself into a muddle asking her if she wanted any of the clothes.

She had got him with her joke, but it also told him she had a sense of humour. When she had smiled, his heart did a little flip in his chest. Sandy disappeared into her room with the bag of clothes which gave him a chance to think about why she was having this effect on him? His childhood in the orphanage had left him with a weakness for the underdog, and a belief that we should help others when they needed it. He shook his head. That would explain why he took her in, but not the emotions he felt when he looked at Sandy.

His sex life had been sparse, to say the least. He'd had a few fumbles with boys back in the orphanage, and he had a couple of very short lived flings with girls, but they had dumped him pretty quickly. He had focussed his energies on his studies which left little time to invest in relationships. He had built a hard shell around his emotions, never letting anyone close enough to penetrate his defences. At the orphanage he had always had to look out for himself, and that self-reliance had stayed with him. He thought he didn't need anyone else. He had also concluded that he wasn't that interested in sex. If he had to find a label for himself, it would probably have been asexual, so what he was feeling now for Sandy was totally unexpected.

Sandy had thrown him completely. He didn't know why she affected him so much. He admired the way she had dealt with the hand that life had dealt her, but there was more to it than admiration. She aroused in him feelings that he thought he had long buried. He couldn't stop thinking about her, stealing little glances at her. His heart beat a little faster when she smiled, and he felt a definite excitement when she had appeared wearing just the towel. He had been surprised to discover she was transgender, but that was the strangest thing. He liked her for who she was. What she had between her legs seemed totally irrelevant. He sighed, she would be moving on soon, so he would just have to conceal what he was feeling.

***

Sandy sat on the bed looking at the bag of clothes. She had no problem with wearing them. They were clean he said, and it wasn't as if she had never worn charity shop clothes before. It was so sweet of him to offer them, and his reaction was even sweeter when she teased him about it. She liked him, but he had read that people who had been in danger were sometimes attracted to their rescuers. She couldn't afford to get too close to anyone because it always ended in disaster for her. It would be best for both of them if she got away as soon as possible.

Tipping the bag onto the bed she sorted through what was there. It all looked clean and freshly washed if in need of an iron. There was some good stuff here, she thought. Well off people threw too much away, they didn't value what they had. There were some dresses, skirts, blouses and tops. There were some good labels too. She held up a dress which seemed to be about the right size. Shrugging off the towel, she pulled it on and looked in the mirror. God, she thought, how different do I look? It had been ages since she had worn anything but jeans and a t-shirt. It was a sleeveless shift, in a dark floral print that came down to mid-thigh. Sandy giggled, twirling around to watch herself in the mirror. It was a long time since she had felt as pretty as this. With a rush, she realised she wanted to look nice, not only for herself, but also for Ben.

Ben was adding fresh logs to the fire when Sandy walked into the room. He had his back to her, so as he turned around and caught sight of her, she giggled to see his mouth drop open.

'Do I look OK?'

Two pink spots appeared on Ben's cheeks as he struggled for his composure. 'Um, err, yes. I mean you look great. That dress suits you so much.'

'Thanks, are you sure it's OK to wear it?'

'Carol wanted to throw the stuff away, sure it's OK.' She sat down on the sofa, tucking her legs beneath her. 'I love the fire, it makes me think of Christmas at home.' As she said it, a pang of regret passed through her as she remembered what it had been like when she had a family.

'It's still snowing out there, I think we're snowed in for a while.' he gestured out of the window, 'But we have enough food in the freezer for a few days, and there's plenty to drink so we should be OK. I was going to have a drink, do you want something? I'm having red wine. But there's some other things as well I think.'

'Wine Is fine for me, thanks.'

'I was about to start dinner, how about a curry?'

She nodded, 'Yes please, can I help?'

Ben asked Sandy to start the rice as he prepared the chicken. She liked having something to do, and it felt nice standing next to Ben as they prepared the food together. He poured two glasses of wine, giving one to Sandy. She took a sip before saying, 'You said you grew up in an orphanage, but do you have any family at all?' He turned to look at her with a frown on his face and she thought she had over stepped the mark.

'Oh, I'm sorry I shouldn't be so personal.'

'No, no, it's OK, I don't mind. The truth is I don't know, I never found out about my birth parents, so I guess there may be some relatives out there, but I don't have any desire to find out. I don't think I would feel anything for them.'

'Any girlfriends, or are you married?' He wasn't wearing a ring, but that meant nothing she knew from experience.

'No, not married, no girlfriends. Totally boring, I know.'

She felt a little thrill at his answer. Clinking their glasses together, Sandy said 'Merry Christmas, Ben.' He grinned, 'Happy Holidays, Sandy.'

She laughed, 'You really don't like Christmas do you?'

Ben served the food in big bowls on the table, and as they ate Sandy thought carefully about what she was going to say next. As they finished the food, she took a deep breath and said, 'Ben, do you have any questions for me?'

He looked at her for a moment, 'Sandy, if you want to tell me something then that's fine, but I don't want to put pressure on you.'

She was a little disappointed. She had opened up about herself, something she never did, yet he seemed uninterested. Didn't he care? Then, with a start she realised that was his way of caring. He wanted it to be her decision to share anything with him. Strangely enough that made her want to tell him her story. One which she had only told to a handful of people. She hesitated, took a deep breath, and it all began to tumble out.

'My name was Alexander, not Alexandra. I'm 20, but I look more like 18 or so I'm told. My parents divorced when I was eight years old. It hit me hard as I loved my father, but he and my mother couldn't live with each other. He moved away, so I saw him at weekends for a while, until he met someone else with their own family, and well, I guess he preferred them.'

She took another sip of the wine before continuing.

'By this time, I knew I wanted to be a girl. I didn't understand what it all meant, but I didn't want to be with the boys, I wanted to be with the girls. If there's a male equivalent of a tomboy, that was me. I was small and slender, androgynous, I guess you would say. I hated the clothes I wore as a boy, I wanted to wear what the girls did. My mother didn't understand. Anyway, she was struggling with her own problems. She resented my father for leaving her, and me, I think, for reminding her of him. We fought like cats and dogs and It got so bad that when I was twelve I went to live with my aunt. She was great to me. She hadn't had children, so she indulged me a lot.'