Big Girls Don't Cry Ch. 02

Lena saw that as well, my expression must have showed what I was thinking, and two big tears rolled down her cheeks. I could feel my eyes brimming as loss and fear fought with guilt over what I'd said in the first heat of anger, something dad also saw. He wiped Lena's tears away, catching the end of her nose as he did, grinning his old grin, and Lena smiling back in spite of herself. Then dad did something he'd not done to me since I was a small boy; he pulled me down close to him, and kissed me once on the cheek, his way of saying it was alright, that we were okay again.

I didn't want that, it felt like goodbye to me, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my dad, not yet, not for a long time to come. But it wasn't going to happen. My dad was going, long before his time, and there was nothing I could do about it; there's that old saw about 'Physician, heal thyself', what I wanted was to heal my dad; but I couldn't.

Dad obviously picked up on the tenor of my thoughts, and grinned at me, his old self suddenly gleaming through.

"Let it go Darryl, there's nothing you can do about it; this started a long time ago, before you were born, I just never knew it. Now it's come to this. You can't do anything for me, so just look after your mum and your sister for me, okay?"

I nodded mutely, unable to say anything, but marvelling at his calm acceptance of his impending mortality; people are intellectually aware of the fact of their own death one day; no-one is going to live forever. But most people are also emotionally incapable of accepting the fact of their own death one day, unable to accept that the world will go on without them. Dad seemed to have a handle on that, and his calm acceptance certainly calmed me down, even though I was still incapable of contemplating a world without him in it.

He grinned up at me again.

"Say something, son, you look like someone just smacked you with a big fish!"

I didn't know where to start.

"Dad, I'm sorry, I acted like a complete dick, I'm so sorry...!"

He held his hand up.

"Calm down Darryl! We dropped a huge cowpat on you; I'm not surprised you flew off the handle! It's okay, you said your piece and charged off, now you're back, it's over. My kids are back, so no harm done! There was a time I thought we'd really lost you, that was the only time I was scared you'd go and I'd never see you again. I hoped you'd be back once you blew-off some steam; you're just like your mother in that respect. I wish I knew where she was. Once she left you, I never saw her again; I don't know what I did to make her leave, there were no words or anything, she just...left, but there's been no word from her in 25 years, now it's probably too late..."

Lena started crying again, and dad reached up and gently rubbed her cheek while looking directly into my eyes.

"I know how Lena feels about you, and I just want to say one thing while I still can; don't you hurt her; she's spent her life wanting you, don't make her regret it."

I gaped at him.

"Dad, you...know?"

He looked away testily.

"Of course I know, Darryl, you're my kids, I know all about how you feel about each other and what you've probably already done; I have eyes and a brain too, you know!"

He clicked the button on the chair and it folded upright, sitting him up and enabling him to look at both of us.

"Now, where was I? Oh yes, you and Lena. As I was going to say, I knew something like this would happen, it was only a matter of time, I suppose. The two of you were always closer than usual, and after that business when you were younger, it became even more obvious, even without Lena crying for you every night. Your mum and I discussed it a lot; I wanted to split you two up, your mum wanted to leave you to grow up and hope you drifted apart. We were both wrong, and we would have been wrong no matter what we did, so we did nothing and hoped it would go away."

I couldn't contain my curiosity.

"How long have you known?" I asked, and he smiled back.

"I've always known. If you mean 'when did I know for certain'? It was about two minutes ago; you really should learn to keep a cap on it, you know; how do you expect to face a firing squad if you can't keep calm and self-possessed under the slightest pressure?"

I said something about never actually planning on facing a firing-squad, which he brushed-of as 'a mere detail'.

"Darryl, every man should live his life as though the firing squad was around the next corner; don't leave things un-done that should be finished, don't leave things un-said that should be said, don't leave loose ends for others to try and tie up, and leave your mark, but lightly; plan for the future, but live in the now, change the world, if you can, but don't damage it along the way, and leave memories that others will be proud to keep and cherish."

I nodded, finally listening to the words I should have been listening to all my life; I always thought I'd have all the time in the world to listen to this from him, now suddenly that wasn't true.

The door opened, and mum, Doreen and Min came in, mum looking relieved that we were all talking and actually smiling again. Dad asked mum to pass him a large Manila folder from the bureau, and he took out various documents.

"Darryl, Lena, these are the deeds to the house, it's yours, both of you. Mum and I bought a place in Kolossi, in the Akrotiri Sovereign Base Area part of the village, and she won't be returning after...you know, so you can do what you like with this place. It's split 50/50 between you both, so the two of you can decide what you want to do with it. There are various funds and suchlike, mum and I will be needing them, so all we have to leave you is the house, it's up to you what the pair of you do with it; all I'll say is it's a nice family home..."

"Just remember one thing; we'll always be your parents, and we're not abandoning you; your mother and I have to go, but Doreen and Min will still be here, so you'll still have family nearby."

Mum passed the folder to me, but I handed it to Lena, and hugged mum instead.

"Mum, I'm sorry, I was wrong to say what I said, you are my mum, and you always were. If you want to slap my face, go ahead, I deserve it for what I said to you; you will always be my mum, and I love you more than anything in the world!"

Mum hugged me tight, then let go so Min could hug me as well. As she let go of me, she murmured "just one other thing, Darryl..., " and with that gave me a slap that made my head sing. As I reeled back, she stood over me, back to her full size and terrifying with it, looking like a Spanish galleon in full sail as she bore down on me and jabbed me in the chest with her pudgy forefinger.

"If you ever speak like that to anyone in this family ever again, I promise you, Doctor Darryl 'High and Mighty' Morgan, I will pull down your pants and spank your arse in front of everyone, do you hear me?"

I could only nod, completely dumbfounded by this side of Min I'd never seen before. She glared back, her face red, then subsided and yanked me close, hugging me like a friendly grizzly bear. She abruptly held me out at arms' length.

"Always remember, baby, you have parents who love you, you have a family that loves you, and if you ever forget that, I've got a right hand to remind you of it, got it?!"

I could only nod again, still too shocked to speak. Doreen moved up and I leaned back out of range, but she only smiled at me, and kissed me lightly on the cheek.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to slap you, Min drew that straw!" she smiled.

"And she lost?" I hazarded, and Doreen gave a wide grin.

"No, she won!"

I looked round to see Lena grinning, until at last she could hold it in no longer, and she burst out laughing, breaking the tension in the room, even dad smiling broadly at my complete drubbing. At last I saw the funny side too, and began to laugh, and when mum kissed me it was like coming home for Christmas; I had my parents back, I still had them, I hadn't lost them at all.

Dinner was paradoxically, a joyful occasion; all my family was there at once, it was a reunion in many ways, and nothing was allowed to mar the happiness of the event. Mum and dad played down the reason for us being there, and never once referred to Lena and me except in the positive; that they knew we'd be good for each other, that they knew we'd look after each other, and so forth; even Min and Doreen, curtain-twitchers to the stars and gossip-mongers extraordinaire, were acting so non-judgemental I was starting to get suspicious, and I could see Lena's radar twitching as well.

After a while, though, dad began to look drawn and pale, and his breathing began to wheeze. Lena looked at me in alarm. I hurried around to his side, opened his shirt and began massaging his chest, sending Lena to get my bag from the car. While she did that, I propped him upright and held him against me as I compressed his chest, trying to ease his breathing. The chest compressions seemed to help, his breathing sounding less laboured and more normal after a few more compressions.

Lena came rushing back with my bag, and held it open for me while I rummaged around, pulling out my stethoscope and an inhaler. As I listened to his chest, I could hear everything that mum had told me; his heart sounds were not good, laboured with a pronounced right-ventricular heave and his lungs were congested, the functional impairment a possible precursor of Congestive Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and bearing out what his doctor had identified, that he was already undergoing progressive architectural destruction of the lungs.

I was trying to be detached and professional, trying to maintain a calm 'bedside' manner, but I couldn't do it; this wasn't a relatively anonymous patient, it was my dad, he was being eaten away inside, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, slow it, or bring him back. I glanced up at Lena, trying to wear my 'doctor' face, but she knew me too well, and her face paled as she saw what I'd found for myself. Mum handed me his relief medication, I checked the label, it was Salbutamol, a short-acting Beta-Agonist usually used for COPD, and obviously it wasn't having too much effect, which worried me even more, so I gave dad the inhaler from my bag and asked him to give it three good long breaths.

"What is this, son?" he asked.

"It's Formeterol, it's a long-acting bronchodilator, it'll taste foul, but it will help relax your lungs and make breathing a little easier. Three good breaths, now, as deep as you can!"

He humoured me, the sound of his lungs wheezing as he inhaled breaking my heart, but I tried not to let anything show; Lena was watching me, and I had to be strong for her now.

Dad leaned back, his eyes shut and his face red as the effort of taking deep breaths told on him, and I waited anxiously for any sign of his pulmonary distress abating. After a while, he seemed to calm down, and his breathing grew less laboured and more even. Lena looked hopefully at me, but I shook my head, trying desperately not to start tearing-up. I'd seen this so many times on the wards, and been clinical about it every time, but this was my dad, and clinical detachment wasn't going to cut it this time.

After a while, just when I thought he'd dropped off against me, he opened one eye and smiled at me. His breathing had levelled-off, and was no longer churning and rasping in his chest.

"Not bad, son, not so bad at all, all those years finally paid off!" and I had to grin back.

I looked over at mum.

"How long has he been like this?" I asked her.

Mum looked resigned.

"These episodes have really only been getting worse in the last few months; before that it wasn't so bad, just shortness of breath, coughing fits, that kind of thing. Of course we knew what it was; your father was diagnosed almost three years ago, but we had reason to believe it wasn't progressive, especially as he'd stopped working in the blade-grinding section by then. He was moved to a nice airy, well ventilated office well away from possible airborne contaminants. It was all going so well; he wasn't getting any better, but he wasn't deteriorating either. Then a few months ago this breathing issue cropped up. You know the rest. Most days he could go to work, come home, no problems, but that's not the case anymore."

Lena leaned over.

"Mum, how will you and dad pay for treatment in Cyprus? It's got to be more expensive over there than here!"

Mum leaned back slightly, suddenly looking less weary, almost relieved.

"The company he worked for are settling an Industrial Injuries claim out of court, and your dad's going to be receiving a large payout as compensation, plus his pension and insurance, so we'll be okay. The Base Area hospital in Akrotiri provides free care for dependants of employees, which is what I'll be; I quit my job at the Bristol Royal Infirmary to become Head of the Renal Unit in Akrotiri. Hopefully the climate and the specialist care there will be helpful to your dad."

Dad tapped my arm.

"Help me upstairs, please son." He requested, and slowly, making sure I didn't hurry him, we made our way upstairs, where I helped him into bed, reviewed his medications, and set up his nebuliser. I noted that there was oxygen and a nasal cannula still in the unopened sterile packaging, which was good, he wasn't far enough gone to need oxygen replenishment just yet. I wondered at how much he'd deteriorated in just the couple of days since I'd gone storming out like a spoiled brat, and wondered, with a sudden stab of guilt, whether I'd been the cause of it.

"Goodnight Dad!" I said, trying to sound cheerful, and he waved me closer.

"Darryl, did I ever tell you about my Great-Uncle Sidney?" he asked.

I shook my head, so he continued.

"He died of acute asbestosis, such a shame. We had him cremated -- it took two weeks... Then there was your Uncle Freddy; he took Liver Salts every day for 60 years, right up until the day he died. Four days after the funeral we had to go back to the cemetery and beat his liver to death with a stick!"

I roared with laughter while dad lay back, a smug grin on his face as I left to go downstairs, still laughing, glad that my dad was together enough to indulge in a bit of gallows humour...

The sleeping arrangements that night were more traditional. Min and Doreen had the guest bedrooms on the top floor, Lena and I had our own rooms on the second floor, and mum and dad were in their bedroom on the floor below. When we said goodnight, I saw mum tense up slightly, waiting for us to announce that we were going to share a room, but that would have been too much, given all that had gone before, and I almost felt the sigh of relief when Lena and I went our separate ways.

I woke fully alert; something had tripped my over-sensitive hearing; it was the sound of my bedroom door inching open. I looked at my watch, it was after two a.m., and as I watched, Lena slipped into the room and padded over to the bed.

"Darryl! Dar! Wake up, it's me, move over!" came the loud stage whisper.

"Shush! You'll wake the house!" I said in a less loud whisper as she slid into my bed, her body warm and soft against mine.

"What's the matter, princess, I thought we agreed...?" I began, but she put her finger to my lip.

"Just shut up and tell me one thing, Darryl. How long?"

I sighed and rolled onto my back, wishing desperately she'd not asked me that one question.

"Princess, please, don't...!" I began, but she instinctively elbowed me in the ribs, her childhood persuader, before gasping and kissing me by way of apology.

"Sorry, baby, but just tell me!" she hissed, and I sighed again, trying to not let emotion overcome me.

"A year, maybe eighteen months, there, are you happy now you made me say it?" I whispered, near tears now.

"Dar, I'm so sorry, I had to know and I knew you'd tell me the truth. Please hold me, baby!"

I was happy to; I needed someone now, in fact I needed Lena, just like I'd always done, but this was one demon she wasn't going to help me get rid of. As I held her close, I realised her eyes were brimming over too, and I reached up and wiped her tears away.

"Don't do that, Lena. Dad's doing this his way, and he doesn't want any of this mourning and sobbing around him; I finally got that. Remember what he used to say to you when you were small?"

Lena drew her arm across her eyes.

"What, 'big girls don't cry'? How did you remember that?"

I kissed her on the corners of her eyes. "It's my favourite song. Now shut up and go to sleep!"

Lena still had something on her mind.

"Darryl, do you think they'll forgive me for what I said to them?"

I stared into the darkness.

"Sis, all you did was grouch; I acted like a complete prick, I went steaming out of the house like a spoiled four-year old in a tantrum, I'm supposed to be a doctor and a rational adult, not an emotional juvenile. I'm surprised you didn't rear up and sock me one as well! I just hope I've learned enough not to jump the gun like that again."

Lena kissed me.

"You're a human being as well, when you lose that part of you is when I'll start to worry. Clinical detachment is all well and good, but you can't bottle these things up inside forever and stay sane. You got hurt, you reacted. It proves you're human, not some robotic medical android, and I'm glad; it means the real Darryl, my Darryl, hasn't been discarded somewhere so Doctor Darryl can take over. Five years on the wards seeing suffering every day hasn't hardened you or diluted your humanity, and I'm glad."

I kissed her back, glad for her simple support and understanding; those things I'd said to mum were vile, done purely to hurt, and I deserved that slap from Min; in fact, I probably deserved a couple more, but I consoled myself with the fact that at least I knew that now. I would never speak to my mum or dad like that again.

My head full of thoughts like these, I fell asleep with her head cradled against my shoulder, my arm under her neck and her arm thrown across my chest, the sound of her breathing finally lulling me to sleep.

I awoke in the pre-dawn dark to find Lena cuddled up close against me. Her eyes were tight closed, not moving under the eyelids, her breathing slow and even; she was deeply asleep. As I stirred, her arm on my chest tightened, and she muttered "no Dar...stay here...me...love you.... before falling silent again. I slowly turned away from her, sliding my now-dead arm from under her, and she rolled against me, her arm around my waist and her hand flat against my stomach. I froze, hoping not to disturb her, and, after muttering something that sound like 'munumunumunum', she subsided, her breathing deepening and slowing down again.

I was enjoying the feel of her spooned against me, her arm around me, when I felt her hand slowly moving south. I moved it back only for it to begin its slow-motion creep south again, leading me to wonder just how deeply asleep she really was. Ordinarily I would have happily joined-in, but I was sharply aware of where we were, and why, and I really wasn't in the mood for any hanky-panky.

Lena mumbled against my back, her breasts pushing into me, and I realised I could feel her stiff nipples like two fingertips poking me in the back. I wriggled my shoulder blades, to see what kind of reaction I'd get, and was rewarded with a softly-hissed intake of breath. Ah ha, so she wanted to play silly buggers, good, this was a game I knew well, I knew the rules, and I even had a few moves of my own!

I wriggled my shoulder blades again, making her hiss again, then abruptly slid to the other side of the bed, well away from her, grinning to myself.

"Darryl Morgan, you come back here this instant!" was the hissed response this time.