Blown Away

He laid it on the line with Kyle in a friendly, professional way. If he didn't turn things around his next Officer Efficiency Report or OER would reflect his drop in performance. Just one bad OER could be a career-ender, and Kyle said he fully understood.

When asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about, Kyle responded, "No, sir," with a promise to turn things around.

But before he could turn things around at work, he had to find a way to turn things around at home. Kayleigh was 'soldiering on' and doing her best to adjust to the new normal, but Kyle knew full well the current status quo wasn't good enough.

He'd racked his brain a thousand times trying to square this endless circle and every time he came right back to the same place he started: there was no solution.

Or...was there?

Was there really no solution at all or was the solution so far out of the box he'd been unwilling to consider it? He was still reasonably certain Kayleigh would never cheat on him. No, he couldn't be 100% sure, but what man could? Knowing her the way he did, he was as convinced as he could possibly be that such a thing just wouldn't happen.

But what if there really was a way to meet her needs that didn't involve her having to sneak around and cheat on her husband? What if there was a way to 'seal the deal' that involved an actual, flesh-and-blood human being who could act as a kind of well...surrogate for Kyle? Someone like Jeff Walker and yet someone not associated with the Army in any way?

As he began to contemplate what that meant, Kyle knew he'd have to confront some very uncomfortable questions. And should he find himself able to work through them, would Kayleigh be able to do the same? Could she possibly even entertain the thought of something so radical let alone do it and enjoy herself?

Kyle was already beginning to understand how deep and how thorough social conditioning could be. Both he and his wife had grown up internalizing certain moral values; values Kyle deeply treasured like duty, honor, country. He lived by a moral code that was summed up at West Point. Do not lie, cheat, or steal.

He realized that cheating took many forms other than copying from someone else's paper in math class. It meant failing to say something when you were handed too much change in return after a cash purchase. It meant paying every dime of the taxes one owed. It also clearly meant be faithful—sexually—to one's spouse 'until death do us part'.

But was it cheating if both spouses agreed to bring someone else into their bedroom? In a case like this where one spouse couldn't perform sexually was it okay to offer one's spouse to someone who could? Would the spouse be able to give him or herself permission without being racked with guilt? If they could, would that spouse possibly fall in love with this other person? Would it end up ruining the marriage in spite of the best laid plans to save it?

This was clearly no simple matter, and something that complicated demanded a lot of thought, and it would demand even more once the other spouse was brought into the decision making process. It was fraught with risk, but it seemed to be the only realistic alternative to a life without sex for both of them. Kyle could do nothing about his own situation, but the woman he loved more than anyone on earth didn't have to suffer like this for the rest of her life. But could she...could he...compartmentalize this aspect of their lives and still be happy?

"Food for thought," he told himself as he drove home that evening around 1900 hours or 7pm in the civilian world.

Kayleigh barely spoke to him when he walked inside. Rather than let it get to him Kyle tried to strike up a conversation.

"How was your day?" he asked forcing a smile.

"Fine. Yours?" she said without looking at him.

"I um...I got counseled," he said.

Kayleigh finally looked at him and asked, "What for?"

"Just a polite, quiet, come-to-Jesus moment with the company commander," he told her.

"Speaking of Jesus...Jesus! Do you want to talk about it?"

"Let me get changed first then maybe we can talk for a while. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Maybe that would be a good thing," Kayleigh said as though she had something she wanted to discuss.

Kyle showered and changed into civilian clothes then went back to the living room.

"There's leftovers in the oven if you're hungry," she told him.

"No. I'm not hungry," he said honestly.

"We need to talk," both of them said at the same time.

Kayleigh actually smiled then said, "Okay. You first."

"How about a beer first?" he said as he got up to get one.

"I'll get it," she said. "I think I could use a glass of wine anyway."

She came back and handed him a longneck Budweiser and sat down across from him with a glass of red wine.

"Okay. Shoot," she said taking a first sip.

"I've been thinking about our...situation...since the moment I found out what happened to me."

He looked at her to try and gauge her reaction. Seeing none, or at least nothing negative, he pressed on.

"I've tried to think of any and every possible solution every day since and..."

"There isn't one, is there?" she said, her voice flat and hollow.

"Well, there isn't any...traditional solution," Kyle offered.

"Traditional?"

"Yes. Traditional. The kind where we deal with reality as it is and never look outside the proverbial box."

"Care to speak English there, soldier?" she said trying to smile as she took another sip.

"What I mean is we've been so deeply socialized to think a certain way that the only options appear to be toughing it out or..."

"Divorce?" she said, her voice softening as though it was something she'd been at least considering.

"Yes. Divorce. I...I know you'd never cheat on me, and that leaves you with only one viable option."

He took a deep breath then said, "You need another man who can meet your needs. All of them."

Kayleigh was looking into her glass as she quietly said, "Great minds think alike. That's exactly what I've been thinking."

She stopped talking and Kyle could see she was on the verge of crying. He moved over and sat next to her and put his arm around her.

"I feel like such a...a failure," she said.

"You? You feel like a failure? Why?"

"Because I'm the one who said we'd get through this—together. And now...now I...I just don't know."

Kyle saw a first warm tear fall and brushed it away with his free hand.

"Don't cry, honey," he said softly.

"How can I not? I'm...I'm pathetic."

She turned toward him and said, "I love you so much and yet I'm so sad and so miserable all the time now. I hate myself for even thinking about...you know."

"Don't," Kyle said quietly. "Never say that."

"You see, this is why I love you so much. You always put me and my needs ahead of yours. You need love and warmth and...patience. All I seem able to give is a cold shoulder and a bad attitude."

"I can't put myself in your place exactly, but I have a pretty good idea what you're going through," he said as he ran his hand up and down her upper arm.

"Me? I didn't...you know lose my ability to make love," she said.

"Well, in a way you did," he reminded her. "Anyway, I wanted to talk about the way society conditions us to believe certain things are right or wrong; moral or immoral. Like...cheating on your spouse."

"Cheating is wrong. Cheating is immoral. So is divorcing your amazing husband because you want sex so badly it's all you can think of all day, every day. And that is why I hate myself," Kayleigh said her eyes filled with tears.

Tears began falling and Kyle pulled her close.

"Shhh. It's gonna be okay," he said trying to assure her.

"How? How are things going to be 'okay'?" she wanted to know.

Kyle took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then told his beautiful wife, "I...I have an idea. A plan. Something I think could, you know, save our marriage."

For the next several minutes, Kyle rambled on trying to express the still-jumbled thoughts in his head. He didn't know exactly how it would work, only that he felt it could, but only if Kayleigh could keep that area separate from the rest of their lives.

"Before, that was something you and I alone shared—together—as a special part of our marriage. Now, we could still...share it...it would just involve another person."

"So...so I'd...what? I'd...have a boyfriend?" she said not understanding how that wasn't cheating.

"No. Not really."

Suddenly, it hit him how that might work.

"Okay, I don't think I could handle it if you went out looking for a guy to bring home. I'm pretty sure I'd be extremely jealous and consider it cheating. But if, let's say, I was to um...interview various...candidates, as it were...then maybe it would be different."

"But wouldn't it still be cheating?" his wife asked finally looking at him again.

"No. Not if I did the arranging and as long as you could view it as sex and nothing but sex."

Kayleigh waited for a bit then asked a question.

"So you'd find this one...special guy..."

"Well, more likely...guys...plural," he corrected. "I don't know how well I'd do if you had just one guy because I'd always be concerned you might develop feelings for him or something."

"Oh, okay. So you'd arrange periodic...rendezvous's with different guys? Is that what you're saying?" she asked seeking clarification.

There was no anger or accusation in her voice. She was simply seeking information.

"Yeah. Or at least I think so."

"And would you um...participate or just...observe?" Kayleigh asked.

"Wow. I haven't really thought it through that far yet. I guess I don't know. I mean, I'd probably want to be involved, but I think we'd have to try it and see how it goes, you know?"

Kayleigh got serious then said, "You know we can't 'un-try' this if we decide to do it, right?"

"Do I ever," Kyle said with a wry smile. "But I don't see any other alternative except for...you know."

"I don't want a divorce, honey," she told him before laying her head on his shoulder. "I really do love you. Very much."

"This isn't easy, is it?"

"No. It isn't. You're right about the socialization. All of the moral training from my entire life is screaming at me. It's telling me this kind of thing is so wrong it can't even be considered."

"But if we don't consider it, then what?" Kyle said in a way that was almost rhetorical as they both knew the answer.

"It's a lot to think about, huh?" she said without looking up.

"I want you to think about it, honey. I mean really, seriously think about it. The before, the during, and most importantly—the after. I know we can't be sure how it might affect us, but we need to be as certain as we can."

Kayleigh didn't respond so Kyle finally said, "Will you? Will you think it?"

"Yes. I'll think about it," she said quietly. She looked up at him again then told him, "I don't deserve you. You are such a good person and I'm...I'm just a sl..."

"Uh-uh. Don't you dare say it. You're not that or any other such thing. All of that is social conditioning, and you're not going to overturn it after fifteen minutes of thinking about going against a lifetime of prohibition. It's going to take time and most of all—your own acceptance. You'll have to grant yourself permission to do this and not feel guilty about it."

"Yeah, no problem there," she said trying not to sound too sarcastic. "Any idea how I do that?"

"Um...by loving me enough to find a way so that I don't have to lose you?" he said.

His own voice was filled with emotion. and Kayleigh didn't have to look to know he was now on the verge of crying himself. She'd never seen him cry and just the thought that he would forced her to try and see this through his eyes.

She sat up and looked right at him and said, "Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?"

Kyle nodded but didn't speak.

"I'm going to try and imagine the roles are reversed. I want to see if I can feel what you're feeling and perhaps that will allow me to feel less guilty about even considering something so...radical."

"Please do that, honey. Do it for me. No, do it for...us," he pleaded.

"Okay. I'll try. I promise I'll really try."

She pulled him close and held him for a very long time, neither of them saying a word. It was as if they were sending out some kind of new chemical signals to the other because of the way nature was forcing them to deal with this tragedy.

"Wanna fool around?" Kayleigh finally said.

"Yeah. I do," Kyle said even though it was different than in the past when he'd be getting hard just thinking about it. This time, he felt something else. He felt...compassion for his wife and he hoped to be able to fold in this new idea as they 'fooled around.' It might help both of them become more comfortable with the whole thing if Kayleigh could associate his touch and his voice with the image of some other man making love to her with his permission.

"Come on," he said.

Kayleigh was, for the first time in quite a while, very wet. Kyle kissed her passionately as he swirled his finger around her swollen nub. When he was sure she was in the zone, he made his first move.

"Just think. You could have a real, live, thick, hard cock...right...there."

He inserted a finger as he said 'there' and heard Kayleigh gasp.

"Not a finger, but a really nice hard...cock. With my blessing."

"Mmmm," Kayleigh moaned as he continued pleasuring her. "That feels so good!"

Kyle waited a few seconds then said, "But how does that sound?"

He increased the speed and pressure knowing it would take his wife right to the edge.

"Oh...God!" she cried.

Kyle pulled his finger away then said, "Does that sound interesting to you?"

She tried pulling his hand back to her clit but he wouldn't let her.

"No! Don't be mean! Please...finish me off!" she begged.

"I will," he promised. "Just answer my question."

He gave her 3-4 quick, gentle circles that kept her hanging and wanting more.

"How does that sound?" he whispered again.

"If he was here right now..." she said barely able to talk.

"You'd let him...fuck you?" he teased.

He felt her hesitate then unable to wait any longer to cum, she softly cried, "Yesss!"

"I want your cock so bad, honey!" she hissed as Kyle gave in and let her have what she wanted.

"You can't have mine, but you will have a real, hard, very thick cock," he told her as her body shook so hard he thought she might come apart or maybe...cum...apart.

Kayleigh snuggled up against him and said quietly, "Wow. If that could happen every time, I wouldn't need the real thing."

"I wish it could, but we both know that won't last. You can only take fantasy so far."

"I know. I just don't want to do that to you. That's all," she said with genuine sadness in her voice.

"You won't be doing anything to me," Kyle assured her. "I'll be giving you the only gift I can really give you, and it'll be given with love and my blessing."

"I still feel terrible just thinking about it. I...I don't think I could do that for you if, you know..."

Her eyes were filled with tears as she spoke.

"I'd be so jealous and so hurt if I knew you were...with another woman."

"Well, I won't be jealous as long as you never choose the guy. That would hurt me to the core. But as long as I choose them and offer them to you, then I'll be fine."

"Them?" she asked. "Them as in guys—plural?"

"Yeah, good question. I'm thinking yes because if we had just one guy then that could become just like you bringing someone home because you think he's a nice guy. I think we'll have to find someone new each time or maybe after two or three times at the most."

"Honey, how many guys do you think you can find? Guys who meet all of your...our...criteria? Nice, caring, single, etc.?"

"Don't forget good looking and well hung," Kyle said trying to smile.

"This is all so crazy!" Kayleigh said her exasperation showing.

Kyle looked right at her then quietly said, "No, honey. Not being able to satisfy my wife is what's crazy. Of all the...fucking things that could happen to me, I drew the one that makes it impossible for me to fuck my wife. That's crazy."

Kayleigh dried her eyes and said, "We can discuss this later, okay? For now can you please just hold me?"

As Kyle wrapped his arms around his wife, he fully understood this was not something he wanted to do. It was something he had to do; something born of necessity and he was bound and determined to do it no matter how much it might actually hurt, his blather about how it wouldn't aside.

Neither of them brought the topic up the following day, but Kyle knew it wasn't going away, and the evening after he told Kayleigh the time had come.

"This is inevitable, honey. It's this or divorce and we both know it. I do not want to lose you, and I know you have needs. It's time we stopped talking and found you a boyfriend."

"Can we please use some other word? Please?" she replied but without arguing the point.

"Okay, sure. How about...surrogate?" he teased returning to his original choice of terms.

"I guess that's clinical enough," his wife said rather...clinically.

"And this whole...situation is clinical. It's relief. It's physical. It isn't love or real intimacy. It's just..."

"I understand," Kayleigh assured him. "It really is like going to the gym and working out with a guy. Just because I spot for him doesn't mean I love him."

Kyle was reassured, at least to some degree, to hear his beautiful wife acknowledge something so fundamentally important to this proposed new...arrangement.

"So I'm going to start looking for the right kind of guys and see what we can come up with," Kyle told her. "For now, let's go out to eat and try and push this to the back of our minds, okay?"

Dinner was a nice, but Pandora's Box had been opened, and there would be no closing it barring some sort of miraculous physical change in the next few days; days Kyle spent looking and searching for the perfect first-time...surrogate.

He had to be very attractive. That was a given. He also needed to be caring and thoughtful. No loud, arrogant assholes. He had to be single and he couldn't be in the military at all let alone on post where Kyle served. Of course, they had to do this in a nice hotel room as this surrogate couldn't know where they lived or even their real identities. It would be anonymous and purely physical.

Jeff really had been Kyle's first choice, but that was just too weird no matter how he looked at it. So he had to find creative ways to come up with prospects from whom he could cull out a few lucky 'lottery winners.'

He ended up taking a day off work and went to a college campus nearby where he sat in the cafeteria looking for prospects. He ended up talking to three guys, all of whom initially thought it was some kind of practical joke. One of them was so incredulous he walked away.

Kyle spent quite a wile talking to the other two after showing them numerous photos of his beautiful wife. Both of them were single, good looking, and very interested, and both claimed to be amply endowed, something Kyle had no intention of verifying.

Both asked, "So will you be, you know...participating?"

"I don't think so," he replied having thought about that quite a bit.

Kyle eventually chose a guy named Rob but felt equally comfortable with the other candidate named Josh. It really did come down to a coin flip, and Kyle knew the 'loser' would soon become a 'winner' and that's how he spelled out. He told Rob he would text him the when and where soon while he told Josh it would be a week or two before he'd be needed. Neither guy knew the other candidate existed, and that was how Kyle wanted it to remain.

He felt very hopeful that finding other future surrogates wouldn't be the daunting challenge he'd thought it would be when he first set out to find one. After just a few hours he'd found two very suitable candidates.